Beautiful Mess - Psalm 40

James: Mercy Triumphs

2012-01-26T08:05:00.000-05:00

I am not sure about you, but for me, I have not felt like I am who I am lately.

Reading that last sentence to check for punctuation, I was struck by I AM WHO I AM.

I Am that I Am (Hebrew: אֶהְיֶה אֲשֶׁר אֶהְיֶה‎, pronounced Ehyeh asher ehyeh [ʔehˈje ʔaˈʃer ʔehˈje]) is a common English translation (JPS among others) of the response God used in the Hebrew Bible when Moses asked for his name (Exodus 3:14). It is one of the most famous verses in the Torah. Hayah means "existed" or "was" in Hebrew; "ehyeh" is the first person singular imperfect form and is usually translated in English Bibles as "I will be" (or "I shall be"), for example, at Exodus 3:12. Ehyeh asher ehyeh is generally interpreted to mean I am that I am, though it can also be translated as "I-shall-be that I-shall-be."^[1]In revealing his mysterious name, YHWH ("I AM HE WHO IS", "I AM WHO AM" or "I AM WHO I AM"), God says who he is and by what name he is to be called. This divine name is mysterious just as God is mystery. It is at once a name revealed and something like the refusal of a name, and hence it better expresses God as what he is - infinitely above everything that we can understand or say: he is the "hidden God", his name is ineffable, and he is the God who makes himself close to men.

In writing the first sentence...I didn't mean it like that but I do NOW :) Sort of.

See, I have been wrestling the with Lord, with myself. I still am actually.

I am not happy with so many things write now. Most are things I can't really do anything about, but some ARE things I can do something about and I have just chosen not to for so long it's hard to know how to start again.

Well I have started a study with a group of ladies and I am so excited.

I use this blog, one as a means of telling others about what's going on, secondly as a way that others will know what happened in my life after the fact, {whipering}when I am d-e-a-d.

So, it's important to me to tell the story.

So, I have a junk email. It was my original email that turned into junk form giving out the address so many times. Now it has over 9, 000 (I checked to make sure I wasn't exaggerating). I occasionally go into that box to look for an expected email...well one day I saw the unexpected email. While the Vatican would not constitute this a miracle--it was of sorts. LOL!

In an email---I had been invited to join a group of ladies in the Beth Moore bible study of James.

Every time something HUGE has happened in my life, it can be linked in some way to a season of deep intense bible study. It is not anything magical. It's biblical.

Fast Forward...So I am going through the study. Committed to be ready for the Lord to speak to me. Though I wasn't sure if He would [wink, wink].

It happened 1-22-12, Week 2 Day 2 of the study. The Lord knows I love patterns ;)

While I will not bore you with all the specifics I will say it was like everything I studied I would write notes in the margin and then the notes I wrote would tie right in to the very next thing she would teach. Maybe it's just coincidence but the Lord uses coincidence ;)

One thing I wrote was: "Oh Lord I am so thankful that you take the time, when I am flailing like a two year old not wiling to make eye contact, and steady my head, lift it and force me to look at you face."

Then the next sentence said-I do not lie- "You are gazing in the face of a solid-gold assurance" pg. 50

Ok I realized upon reading--it doesn't sound near as exciting because that moment had been building up and it was MY moment....but I had to tell you about it.

This short update has become wordy and I must get on with my day. However, if you are looking for something juicy and good! Try this study!

Here is a link with a video, and sample texts:
http://www.lifeway.com/James-Mercy-Triumphs/c/N-1z10gpu

I also am going to facilitate this study in my home on Tuesday nights beginning in February.

Please pray. Thank you so much!

I am feeling much more like I am ;)

I wub cookie

2011-12-20T14:34:00.001-05:00

Health Update

2011-12-09T13:19:00.000-05:00

I am better this month than last.

I was only down for the count 1 day...and poor about 4 more. So, all in all that is MARKED improvement.

I had an MRI Tuesday, which as of writing this--I do not have any results.

I am trying to get in the swing of holiday things!

I am STILL numb on my left side. Which is now simply an oddity. I am use to it.

If you have any questions, let me know.

Click the COMPLICATED MIGRAINE label to the right if you have no idea what I am talking about :)


href='http://www.vipdictionary.com/complicated'>complicated

Link

2011-12-01T18:23:00.000-05:00

I read this today and have A LOT of thinking to do about what I say and do. and DON'T.

Thought I'd share. The comments are as interesting as the post.

20 Things You Want To Hear a Christian Say

All to often, I'm silent where I should speak and vocal where I should be silent.

Infomercial: Eggies

2011-11-20T10:58:00.001-05:00

Watch that and you will think this is a kitchen must have!

Hubby didn't even see the infomercial, just saw the box and had to have it!

So, I decided to try to make them last night.

About 1/2 way into the nightmare I WISH I had another person to come video the catastrophe!

First you open the box and find a little piece of paper informing you that BEFORE EACH USE you need to oil the inside of each EGGIE, and that you cannot spray them you have to spray a paper towel and wipe them down.

Irritated with that little fact! I do it!

Then I start to assemble the little buggers...guess what...with greasy hands this is NO easy task!

They don't go together easily AT ALL! So there you are with greasy finger handling little plastic eggs
that are hard to assemble, thinking and THIS is easier than peeling?

Then, I at least had the bright idea to put the EGGIE in a bowl before I crack the egg. Phew! Good thing! Pouring the egg into the little contraption is harder than you think. I used Extra Large eggs, and sometimes the yoke would clog the hole, and white would overflow. Then I had egg guts on me and in the bowl and on the EGGIE thinking oh wow! Salmonella HERE WE COME!

I get the buggers into the pot start it to boiling and a family member calls. I walk away from the kitchen and "hear" something and run in to find this:

BOILING ALL OVER!

I skimmed the disgusting foam, apparently egg leaked out...eww!

Sent the pic to hubby saying "pretty sure THIS isn't supposed to happen"

They cook.

This is what came out

I let them cool.

They came out easy for me...but I was left with this to clean!

They came out easy and this was the end result. Not pretty in my opinion.

Ugh...YEAH I think I will stick to dealing with the nightmare of peeling as opposed to the nightmare of 6 pitiful, ugly shaped, ____ eggs here.

In looking for the commercial I found other reviews! WISH I had watched these before forking over $10!

Enjoy!

This one is long, but informative.

WOW! Nightmare!

If you are my friend, be on the lookout because I will be REGIFTING this little item at a Christmas Party for someone else to experience the torture! Who knows maybe they will love the convenience of 15 minute prep and 10 minute clean up for 6 eggs!

Things I learned...check YOUTUBE first!

So it Cycles...Great! {sarcasm}

2011-11-14T11:09:00.000-05:00

I was feeling better....then it happened again....I am thankful for the 10 days that I felt "improved" but when it started all coming back it was so discouraging.

My doctor is now convinced it is hormone related since everything started up again about 1 week before my cycle. So, at least we know that....but now what are we going to do about it?

I have added magnesium to my daily regimen. I also started on a daily preventative medication. I did not want to go on prescription medication because honestly I know there are healthier alternatives...but functioning is critical right now...so my plan is to at least try the preventatvie and try to worth is some healthier alternatives and the wean off the medication.

We also have to see how the next 2 months go and if there is little to no improvement then I will most likely have to see someone to work on adjusting my hormones.

IF you don't know what i am talking about: CLICK HERE (if you care ;)

How do I feel?

Still numb on the entire left side

at times--worse numbness and tingling with brief intense period of pain

Headache
Fatigue
Sensitivity to light/sound and smell (only on the really bad days)
Nausea
Dizziness
Irritation

This is a visual representation of my life right now. I start to feel bad and get worse, then it is horrible for a day or so then I slowly start to feel better. Last month I had 9 good days....we will see after this cycle is done if it starts again.

I don't look forward to planning life events on the curve. Almost missed a wedding...but I toughed it out. I did actually go to church yesterday. Hopefully this medication will work and I won't have to deal with this anymore.

Mission 2011

2011-11-01T11:27:00.003-04:00


Getting ready!

I need to remember:
Put CD on repeat because you will be too busy to mess with it. Have bug spray.

The Giveway Basket
though at some point someone swiped the Crunch bar haha!

The neighbors that won this were so appreciative. It was funny because earlier in the evening the wife was sharing how at work people were talking about their neighborhood's traditions and she was sharing that we had them beat with our setup every year. {smile}

I need to remember:
Shop for the Pumpkin Gospel online because it's cheaper! Be on the look out for things to put in the basket when they are on clearance the year before.

I used business cards this year and liked it. Do that again.

Figure out something else GREAT to do for my neighbors other times during the year!

My workstation

I got a new fancy photo printer that made things go a lot easier! I had my son on a skateboard to deliver pictures once printed. Also, another neighbor stepped up to help us with this when we got backed up.

I need to remember:
Change form to include direction of travel and how many photos to print. Have more volunteers. Have labels on the back of photos already. I printed about 50 pictures this year.
Have an email sign-up for those that want their image emailed to them. (Trent's idea)

Photo Booth

So thankful to have hay this year! Even get to give it to a neighbor that needs it! I think it looks awesome! Especially compared to years previous.

I need to remember:
Ask for hay again! We need more light. Maybe cones to line people up. A volunteer to help group people and stage them would be helpful.
Don't just draw a line to stand behind-draw a box to stand in-because when it gets dark you can't see anything in the viewing window till you take the pic..and when there is a line...you don't have time to take multiples.
Maybe you want to have a prize for best costume...and if I did this year--it would be the Smurf family! (trying to get permission to use their photo)

Scooby Doo

To read how we went from NOT participating to participating in 2009 click HERE

This year's post: It's Missional

It's Missional

2011-10-27T11:16:00.003-04:00

It's that time of year again...


Image borrowed from HERE

The time of year that has me evaluating my beliefs and questioning my thoughts because of the strong opinions on either side regarding "Christians and Halloween."

I am happy to report that I still feel called to LOVE MY NEIGHBORS MORE THAN MYSELF.

When I read blogs, and comments, and facebook posts, and notes it gets me all a flutter worrying if I am EVIL by "participating" in this evil day...and I have decided no more evil than I am when I put up that Christmas Tree.

Oh, I am NOT here to debate...I am sure I am evil. AND
*correction click to see commenter's blog for details about why I am not evil ;)

I think Jesus will be disappointed in many of the choices that I make. The fact that I am rich by the worlds standards and do little to help those in need will probably be higher on the list of his concerns than the fact that I did not turn off my light and shut out my neighbors. [sarcasm intended]

Here's the deal though "I'm redeemed" Everyday is the Lords day! I choose to define myself by Whose I am than what I "do".

“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”
― Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging

It benefits my community for my family to have our photo booth and gift basket. It benefits me to GET OUT and do SOMETHING for my neighbors.

I don't need anyone to think what we do is awesome...because truly...it's small awesome compared to the HUGE sucky individuals we are. I don't care if people think our participation is wrong...because in my heart of hearts I am serving the ONE TRUE GOD! It's not for "you" to judge.

It's nice. It's costly. It's a small something we do to show LOVE to our neighbors.

I was afraid my health would interfere this year...but I am happy to report that MISSIONAL HALLOWEEN is in full swing! I have so much to do to get ready!

I am not 100% but for the last 2 days I have felt human again. I am still numb, slight headache. That's it. Just dealing and ready to SERVE!

Here are a few posts about the issue:
This is the original post that got me thinking--(this one is reposted for 2011):
Jesus With His Light Out On Halloween

Another blog that encouraged me:
Sent Into the Harvest Halloween on Mission

My original post:
Missional Halloween

Follow-up post:
Follow-up Missional Halloween 2009

To be fair---
Some of the information that lead us to NOT participate years ago:
Tricked by Treats

I don't celebrate Halloween-I celebrate the chance to get to love on His beloved!

And whoever shall receive one such little child in my name receives me. -Matthew 18:5

Not JUST a Headache

2011-10-19T13:32:00.002-04:00

When people hear I am having "Complicated Migraine" instead of a TIA (mini stroke) I often hear
"I'm so glad it's just a headache"

I get the sentiment. I really do.

However today marks 2 weeks of symptoms; and pardon me if I sound a little bitter, but it is NOT just a headache.

I am numb from head to toe. It has turned from interesting to annoying. It also has caused moments of "crazy" where I can be found sitting in my bed poking my face, rubbing my arms, trying to convince myself that they feel the same. It's hysterical (hind sight) if you could see me in my "rain-man" like state almost rocking and trying to convince myself "They feel the same, it's feels the same"...They don't.

Waking this morning thinking...I feel less numb today-I don't.

You can't hide my crazy!

Last Tuesday I was much more numb than I am now. I actually had noticeable facial paralysis.

Yeah, that was fun! I am so sorry that I do not have a working camera because it was a sight. It resolved after about 36 hours and Now it is hardly noticeable. I can tell. It's only slight now.

If you drew a line down the middle of my body...left side=numb. Throat, tongue, every part of me!

I got my menstrual cycle Sunday and talk about crazy. Crazy! Laying there and only on 1 1/2 of my body being able to tell the cramps. I could tell you other things...but I will spare you. You are welcome.

The best is listening to my male neurologist on Monday morning tell me "hopefully you'll be better once your cycle is compete". I had a good laugh with my daughter about how males blame everything on a woman's period; pwaahahaha! Well, after a little research--he may be right, but who knows!

Last Sunday started a new fun symptom of an "intense" almost "shock" without the shock--like when your leg is waking up from falling asleep---but it just stays in the intense buzzing phase. Can we say-not fun! It has improved and I have only had a little of that lately.

I have visual symptoms that are like looking straight ahead while watching transparent sperm float in your visual field. Also, at times it will be various sizes of balls of white that block my vision on the left side. Then there are "sparkles" where it's the typical twinkling stars.

Headache was not my primary complaint but it is the most miserable. I can take the dull-hey-just letting you know-I-haven't-gone-away headache but the I-am-going-to-make-your-life-a-living-hell headache isn't fun. The I-am-going-to-use-a-crowbar-to-lift-this-left-back-piece-of-your-skull headache is what started this.

Last week I started a cycle of steriods that was supposed to "fix me" in 24-36 hours. They didn't. While some symptoms improved (paralysis) others got worse (headache and intense feeling). I went back to the neurologist and they did a repeat MRI just to check if everything is okay. It is. Except for how I feel. So...it's neurological. I guess I just needed to vent and let everyone know: I am not better.

It seems like I am just stuck in a cycle of "event" after "event" with varying severity, symptoms, and level of function. For the most part, I'm up and dealing. There are times though, where it's just too much. I am so thankful for my family and friends who at any moment in time would do anything I need. Thankfully I haven't needed much.

We are waiting to see what happens before we do something drastic like go on a preventative medication. I mean this has happened once (maybe twice) I don't want to go on something "chemical" to prevent it. I am not completely closed to the idea...just would rather try natural things first.

I have added magnesium to my regimen. So, we will see.

I guess I am glad it's just a HEADACHE. However, to me, because it's effecting EVERY area of my life--it's not JUST a headache...

Here is what Web MD has to say about these:

While the stroke-like symptoms can range from worrisome to debilitating, the good news is that no permanent nerve damage occurs from this type of migraine.

Migraines are unpredictable and unique to each person. You may have a hemiplegic migraine headache with extreme pain and minor paralysis one month. Then the next attack might bring extreme paralysis without much headache pain at all. (Geesh)
Symptoms of hemiplegic migraine include:
Severe, throbbing pain, often on one side of your head (check)
A pins-and-needles feeling, often moving from your hand up your arm (check)
Numbness on one side of your body, which can include your arm, leg, and/or one side of your face (entire left side of body=check)
Weakness or paralysis on one side of your body (check)
Loss of balance and coordination (occasionally=check)
Visual aura, such as seeing zigzag lines, double vision, or blind spots (check)
Language difficulties, such as mixing words or trouble remembering a word
Slurred speech
Dizziness or vertigo (occasionally=check)
Nausea and vomiting (occasionally=check)
Extreme sensitivity to light, sound, and smell (occasionally=check)
Confusion
Decreased consciousness or coma

I have read every (exaggeration) thing on Google about it. It's crazy! Truthfully, I only have a minor case all things considered. I have read too many stories in medical forums and here is what I have figured out: It's all guessing! Trying! and Figuring! They don't know.

The best news (sarcasm) is that my stroke 3 years ago...could have been related to this because "stroke" is something that is associated with this type of headache.

Complicated Migraine, also known as Migrainous Stroke

In contrast to classic migraine (headache accompanied by transient neurologic symptoms) or acephalgic migraine (transient neurologic symptoms in the absence of headache), complicated migraine is an older terminology used to denote ischemic stroke that occurs in the setting of migrainous symptoms, often in patients with a history of classic migraine.
The relationship between the migraine and stroke is uncertain, and may be due to vasospasm, hypercoagulability or recurrent neuronal depolarizations (spreading depression). These patients still warrant a full evaluation for embolic sources, but may benefit from migraine prophylaxis which includes antiplatelet therapy and calcium-channel antagonists. Consider avoiding medications which may precipitate vasospasm (e.g., tryptans, ergotamines, amphetamines,stimulants, silfenadil) or migraine (oral estrogens).
Consider genetic and mitochondrial evaluation in families with migraine and stroke or stroke-like episodes (See below)

Link with video from Mayo Clinic: HERE

WHO KNOWS!

I am done talking about it now.

I knew I wasn't going to get "answers" that would satisfy my questions. I am trusting God and his SILENCE.

Seek Emergency Medical Attention

2011-10-12T18:41:00.000-04:00

If you read my last blog you will know that it ended with me "calling my doctor"

This one starts with me sitting in my hospital room typing on my borrowed laptop.

Yeah!

I want to write on the timeline and hilarious moments for memories sake which is the point of my blog really anyway.

Thursday afternoon SCARY medical event

Sudden, severe headache out of nowhere that stopped me in my tracks, with instant vomiting.
Whole episode lasted 3 minutes then I felt fine.

Hence the NOT seeking emergency medical attention.

I sat with family a friends and decided to wait it out. Watching for any inkling that something wasn't right.

THEN THE BLOG

THEN the CALL

The operator advised I go to the ER even though it had been almost 24 hours. He said that I could have a bleed, or it could be a sign that something worse was coming...and event in life that I might not come back from. He wanted to let the doctor know if I was going...was I going?

I decided to check with my husband and decide {big cheesy grin} no lie! I know now that was stupid...but welcome to my life.

I called back to ask another question...and decide if I REALLY needed to go since I FELT fine. The operator said "yes, you need to go, should I notify the doctor?"

weeeeelllllllll.... OKAY! Geesh I will go and see if my brain is bleeding. Just in case, even though I don't feel like I need to.

I had things I had to do first: payroll, banking, pay bills, request extensions etc. LOL

For real I needed to get some things done, I knew they would keep me, so I packed, and showered and shaved because last time I was caught unaware and poor girl that had to do the ultrasound of my legs 3 years ago had to go through the forest to get there. I thought given the opportunity, I'd spare the next person.

While getting ready...my arm started to feel weird. I went and poked my head in where my hubby was to announce we were now in a hurry because my arm was going numb.

Off to run some errands on the way to the ER...and my daughter called to remind me to eat before hand because they would surely starve me :) On the way my leg starts to go numb. I thought it was from sitting wrong but after adjusting...it just got worse.

Hubs drops me off at the entrance so I can go in and sign in and begin the wait. Like getting your name on the list while waiting on a table at dinner ;)

I fill out the paperwork for check-in and my vision starts to double for a second and I think: do I say "Hey I think I am having a stroke!" or quietly wait my turn. Since my vision is now fine I elect to wait my turn to see the triage and not cause mass panic. I will find that happens soon enough.

me: in the med check in waiting. So I will let you know
hubs: okee dokee we r n waiting area
me: Law and order is on so it's all good ;)
hubs: u need some help. We're going straight to psych when we r done here
me: lol

I go through triage and text my husband who starts a mad text assault of hilarity to lighten thr mood but what he doesn't realize is that mad chaos is happening...

here are his texts because they will make me laugh for years to come:

20 min later
me: gone through triage. still waiting
hubs: what's going on? We've been out here waiting 4ever :( has the dr been by? did they put you in a gown with your hiney hanging out? I wanna see. Can u come out and say (to be cont)
me: What? I am not in a room. Are you being silly?
{as I sent this I was called into another triage room and didn't read these texts until after} hubs cont: hi :) I need some of those rubber gloves can you get some of those? I like pink. Do u think they will give you a wheelchair to drive around? Can I have a turn? I'm hungry. What time does the hospistle close? Do they have toys? I'm bored. Brit won't play with me :(
hubs responding to my silly? text: Do you think? Maybe?
hubs: I can't see the tv. There's a little pole in the way and the subtitles r too fast to read. Why don't they turn the vol up? It's stupid. Have you made any friends yet? People here seems mean. I'm scared.
me: please stop I am talking to the nurse
hubs: I wanna talk to the nurse. Is she nice? Is she a he? I mean male nurse? U know they have those and all. Sorry just trying to lighten the mood. Do they have someone like the golf course does to come around and see snacks/drinks. That would be a good idea don't you think? I luv U! :)

What hubs fails to realize is they have issues a "Stroke Alert" and about 7 people descended upon me at one time hooking me up to every necessary device and then whisked me off to have a CT of my head.

me: ok that was crazy. They called a "stroke alert" I'm hooked up to all kinds of stuff and already had a CT which looked ok. Doing more tests now.

What I fail to realize is the Chaplin has gone to get my husband and daughter and take them to a "special" waiting room. It is small and empty. He tells them I am alert, and ok and that the doctor will be in shortly. Brit looks down and it appears their name tag says "OR" which has them slightly concerned. Then she said-I know she isn't in the operating room because she just text you. LOL!

Needless to say "I'm admitted" it "could" be TIA, which is a mini-stroke. Notable that by 11pm I had no symptoms at all. Had an MRI scheduled for the morning. Time to get some sleep!

Awoken Saturday for vitals and heading to an MRI-I had no symptoms at all.

Saturday after finding that my MRI did not show any stroke I was ready to leave. I'm fine. No symptoms, let me go. I had an issue with the neurologist and asked them to contact MY neurologist for consult... (for the record he agreed with me on ALL the things I had an issue with-except leaving the hospital) So I stay.

Funny story: I was in a shared room and they brought a lady in to share the room with me at about the same time all this is happening with the neurologist. She is hacking and coughing and I'm afraid me and her phlegm are beginning to know each other on a personal level. I borrow a pen from the tech and write a note to the nurse:

"I promise I am not a complaining, whining, person usually but please GET ME OUT OF HERE! I already don't want to be here and now I am going to get sick from this lady"

They put me in a private room.

Then Saturday night I was awoken from a dead sleep with severe numbness and tingling down my entire left side. Intense feeling. I was scared! From the top of my head to the tip of my toe! Tongue, throat, chest, EVERYTHING numb. Needless to say I called the nurse and waited for EMERGENCY MEDICAL ATTENTION. (This topic will require an entirely separate post.) HERE

Sunday didn't provide answers or changes. I was still numb head to toe, but barely. It's nice when doctors leave you feeling like "who knows" haha!

Monday I am discharged in the afternoon with a diagnoses of "Complicated Migraine" which is exciting! and still I had no idea what that was. What does a doctor want to do "slap me on maintenance medication!" UGH! NO! I will research...go see MY Neurologist! Get me out of here!

So I am finishing this post I started in the hospital at home. I am worse because I had another event last night. I have seem MY neurologist and am sure it is this strange phenomenon called "Complicated Migraine" which doesn't mean anything because everybody is different. Headache with strange neurological events. SO, I start steroids for 6 days tomorrow.

I am fine. A little tired. Numb.

Like I said to my friends:
I'm Home! I'm Alive! and MY GOD REIGNS!

LACK of emergency medical attention

2011-10-12T18:29:00.001-04:00

This post is is own separate post because of length. It falls right in the middle of the blog: Seek Emergency Medical Attention

This was written for the Nursing Supervisor regarding my lack of care:

Saturday night was one of the scariest events in my life. The mind of a woman is a dangerous place to tread. I will carefully, and cautiously walk you through it to help you understand what I was feeling.

Saturday, I had been feeling poorly all afternoon. My arm was beginning to do what originally brought me into the hospital in the first place. I proceeded through my time with family accompanying me just resting and waiting. The nurse noted my symptoms and said she would notify the doctor.

I fell asleep between 8:30 and 9pm and was awoken around 11pm by a severe numbness and pain in my left leg. As I sat up I realized that I was completely numb down my left side. I pressed the nurse call button. I began to asses myself. Could I move? “yes” I smiled while feeling my face “Okay it’s not drooping”

When the nurse came in I began explaining that I was completely numb on the left side but that I could move. Though my thoughts may not be exact, I will tell you what I remember. I remember that he had me squeeze his fingers. He tested my legs. I know that to me I felt panicked, I don’t know how I seemed to him. He left the room saying he would notify the doctor.

I laid there waiting on a doctor to come.
I laid there thinking “oh my God I am so glad I didn’t go home against medical advice and that I am here”
I laid there feeling so alone.
I was scared that I had just had a stroke or that one was coming.
I kept doing the neurology tests to myself: arms up reaching for money, did they droop, smiling, touching my fingers to my thumb.

I called and asked to go to the bathroom. I knew because I was numb I shouldn’t walk. The tech came and while I was in there I examined myself in the mirror. Stick out my tongue, raise my eyebrows, smile. Everything looked normal; just numb.

As I sat on the edge of my bed I was trying to pay attention to everything so I could tell the doctor how I felt. Everything on my left side was numb. I was observing how strange it was to have ½ my tongue numb, my throat, my breathing felt strange like my lung was numb, my breast, my hair on the top of my head felt weird, blinking my eye felt strange. It was so odd. I knew I wasn’t getting worse. However, I was scared and alone.

I called my daughter to explain everything to her while I was still able to. I didn’t know if I was going to have a major stroke and I wanted her to know what was going on. I told her that the nurse was letting the doctor know. I told her on a scale of 1-10 that it was an 8 at the time of waking and now I was maybe a 6. I told her not to come because it was so late. I said I would call if anything else happened. I got off the phone with her because I thought “surely the doctor will be here soon”

I remember at one point much later that the nurse came in and said “How are you?” and I answered “I’m okay” and I was thinking to myself…just waiting on the doctor. I wish I could go back in time I would have said it aloud. I wish the nurse would have dug in and asked questions. I sort of equate the scenario to when someone asks you “How are you today?” and you say “fine” and then when the person cares they say “No, how are you REALLY?” and then you spill your guts! I wish he would have pressed me, even though I know I should have been forth coming. I was scared, afraid, fearful of the future. I wondered so many things and all I said was “OK” . Looking back: I wish I would have pressed the nurse call button repeatedly or called 911. However, I just kept thinking I am in the hospital, they are coming, maybe someone in the ER is in serious condition, and they will be here soon.

I could not fall back to sleep. I was scared for my life. I thought I might have just had a stroke, am about to have a stroke…or worse. My mind was racing. I evaluated myself again and realized I was still improving. Still numb but maybe now a 4 on my made up scale of numbness.

I was disappointed that the nurse did not dig deeper or tell me what was going on with the doctor. Nothing. I thought should I call again? He didn’t seem like this was a big deal and to me it was the biggest deal ever.

My symptoms were improving though they were still present I figured I better try to do something to stop the crazy thinking. I went on the internet to check my symptoms. They matched with a stroke or TIA which I already knew. But somehow I at least felt like I was doing something. I checked facebook and tried to decide I needed to write one last status that was encouraging and good in case it was the last status I ever wrote.

Now it is after 2am and I don’t think I am ever going to go to sleep. No one was explaining anything to me, I am laying there numb, and apparently no one is coming. Try to sleep. I didn’t feel like that was happening.

All I could think was that THIS was WAY worse than what happened to me that brought me into the ER when they called a “stroke alert” and now they are doing NOTHING. Strange? Here they wanted to keep me for observation and now something major has happened and no one is observing anything.

At some point after 3am I fell asleep and was awoken by the Tech somewhere around 4 I think I mumbled something to her about being numb.

God bless the nurse that came in at 7:30am to “check on” me in the morning…I began crying almost immediately explaining how scared I was, that the doctor never came, the nurse didn’t dig…boo hoo hoo…and she immediately said “let me go get the doctor”

It’s disappointing because I don’t think I will ever come back to this hospital. On my way to the ER family and friends wanted to know why I was going to Shands. I explained that my doctor was at Shands and that they are leaders in the Neurology field. They have a specialty center and defended this institution. Now, I will have to express that I made the wrong decision.

My time in the ER, my nurses (with the exception of the nurse mentioned here), PCA’s, even the nutrition employee (I believe her name was Akasia{sp}) were awesome. But to lay in my room waiting for medical attention and to not feel cared for left a bad enough taste in my mouth that no amount of “niceness” can cover. When I felt like I needed it the most: no one was there.

I write this in hopes of educating others of the mind of a patient in my situation. Not to slander, or offer judgment.

To make matters worse, on Sunday evening when my family arrived they were very upset at the lack of response. They wanted to talk to the Charge Nurse and explain their concerns. We found out that the Charge Nurse for the evening WAS the nurse from the night before-even better. He can tell us exactly what happened. However, He never came. We made the request at 7:15pm my family was here until 9:15pm and in that time: he never came. To the best of my knowledge…he never came. That’s just unacceptable. Shoot if he was busy, he could have sent someone to explain that he would be here when he could. However, it seemed as though we weren’t important and he didn’t have time. OR maybe HE KNEW HE WAS WRONG. Just a broad based assumption.

The Lord says “blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy” (matt 5:7) and I am a person that requires a LOT of mercy. So I extend it. I am writing this because the only way you can get better is to know what was done wrong.

Near Death

2011-10-07T10:02:00.000-04:00

I had a very scary experience yesterday. Trying to decide if you call 911, go to the ER or wait it out was no fun. I decided to wait and see how I felt...

On the way to dinner all I could think is "IF I HAD ONLY A FEW HOURS TO LIVE HOW WOULD I SPEND THEM?"

It's amazing how a woman's brain works and here is a small peek at what I am willing to admit publicly about my crazy thoughts yesterday.

We had about a 10 minute drive to dinner-

"this could be the last time my kids get to spend with me"

Hunter, who was just making conversation, was commenting about how I take more pictures of Zeke and Declan than I ever did of him. I tried to explain that technology is different these days, and he dismissed me saying "you don't love me as much as them" He was just being silly...maybe a little serious, but he wasn't being mean...but it hurt! I said (not so nicely) aloud "that if we are really trying to make me feel bad let's start talking about homesechooling" and I began to cry silently thinking..."this may be the last conversation we have."

After crying I was looking for a napkin and we found one and I flipped down the visor mirror and caught a glimpse of what I looked like; I thought: "Geesh I could have made myself cuter cause surely I will want Brit to take a picture with her Iphone (since my camera is dead-boo hoo) but man I look like crap, you would think if you were going out on your last night to be alive you would at least do your make up."

I was thinking that "on the way home I want to stop by Chris & Brittany's to see them and kiss the babies because what if I died. I would want them to know that I love them. I would want to laugh and smile with them one last time. I reasoned: it would be too late when we came home, the kids would be in bed, I didn't want to interrupt and really I am fine. But what IF?"

While at dinner-

We were with Brit & Clay, and a family friend Matt, I had a few thoughts-

"I should get something really good because this could be my last meal" "I really don't feel like eating...but if I go to the hospital the food will stink so I should eat something" "Do I want this to be my last meal" hahah I am telling you, at this point, I am really amusing myself with it all!

"Brit should take a picture, even though I look ugly, but I am embarrassed to ask, and I am just being ridiculous, so no I won't ask"

We had a very nice time. I love spending time with my family. Just a simple time of sweetness.

While leaving the restaurant, it was raining, Brit was going to wait on Clay to get the car he was handing her his drink and stuff and we were going to make a break for it...while making a break for it I got upset because I FORGOT I was about to die! As I was running in the rain was thinking "I should have hugged and kissed them goodbye. Man, should I run back, that might seem dumb, I mean I said I love you right, did I say I love you?, damn I could die and not hugged my daughter goodbye." I thought about crying but was too pissed at myself for letting the moment be missed!

We get home-

At this point my bestest, most greatest, sister-friend, in the whole-wide-world texts me to check on me and make sure I am still alive. We go back and forth about a few amusing things in life..that really aren't that amusing.

We are just doing normal things, being a normal family, and I am in bed when Hunter comes to, usually, tell me Goodnight. As he leaves I think..."I wish i would have trained him to kiss me every night" another missed moment.

Hubby comes to bed and I think "should I" ..."I mean it could be the last night I am alive." LOL

THIS MORNING-

It's a new dawn, it's a new day! I am ALIVE! I sent this via text to the few that knew what was going on.

I go in to kiss my husband, hug him tight and I say "Look I'm alive. I'm fine. I am so glad I did not go to the hospital" he says "I am still not so sure that was the right decision and I think you probably should at least go to the doctor"

"But I feel fine!" "Famous last words" I think.

See yesterday I had a really scary experience. I am not sure what happened medically. Based on my description of the events I should "seek emergency medical attention." It didn't even explain anything--just SEEK EMERGENCY MEDICAL ATTENTION! I am not going to describe the event because that is not the point of the post.

I try to reason that maybe God is trying to remind me of something He taught me through my STROKE 3 years ago. I wanted to remind myself, and all 2 or my readers, that YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOUR TIME WILL BE!

We should consider the days. Moments. People! We are all going to die! 100% chance! Are you living the way you want to live?

"Since everything here today might well be gone tomorrow, do you see how essential it is to live a holy life? Daily expect the Day of God, eager for its arrival. The galaxies will burn up and the elements melt down that day—but we'll hardly notice. We'll be looking the other way, ready for the promised new heavens and the promised new earth, all landscaped with righteousness." 2 Peter 3:11-12 MSG 2 Peter 3 in context

I am going to call my doctor and try to live my life a lot more purposefully and intentionally than I have been living. Until I forget that I might be dying and the Lord reminds me again because I am slow!It seems to be a cycle.

If I haven't told you that I love you: I LOVE YOU!
If I haven't told you how much your friendship means to me: IT MEANS A LOT!
If I follow your blog, I probably read it a lot of times and don't comment: I'M SORRY!

YOU NEVER KNOW, THIS COULD BE THE LAST BLOG I'LL EVER WRITE!

Some Thoughts On Dying

2011-09-16T13:40:00.000-04:00

I am preparing to die. Not literally, though you never know. Figuratively...which I should practice daily! Dying to my self. Dying to my selfish desires; no matter how pure my motives might be.

and this gives me HOPE!

Isaiah 40

New International Version (NIV)

Comfort for God’s People

¹ Comfort, comfort my people,
   says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
   and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
   that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
   double for all her sins. ³ A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
   the way for the LORD^[a];
make straight in the desert
   a highway for our God.^[b]
⁴ Every valley shall be raised up,
   every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
   the rugged places a plain.
⁵ And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
   and all people will see it together.
            For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”
⁶ A voice says, “Cry out.”
   And I said, “What shall I cry?”
   “All people are like grass,
   and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
⁷ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
   because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
   Surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
   but the word of our God endures forever.”
⁹ You who bring good news to Zion,
   go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,^[c]
   lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
   say to the towns of Judah,
   “Here is your God!”
¹⁰ See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
   and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
   and his recompense accompanies him.
¹¹ He tends his flock like a shepherd:
   He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
   he gently leads those that have young.
¹² Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
   or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
   or weighed the mountains on the scales
   and the hills in a balance?
¹³ Who can fathom the Spirit^[d] of the LORD,
   or instruct the LORD as his counselor?
¹⁴ Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
   and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
   or showed him the path of understanding?
¹⁵ Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
   they are regarded as dust on the scales;
   he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
¹⁶ Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
   nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
¹⁷ Before him all the nations are as nothing;
   they are regarded by him as worthless
   and less than nothing.
¹⁸ With whom, then, will you compare God?
   To what image will you liken him?
¹⁹ As for an idol, a metalworker casts it,
   and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
   and fashions silver chains for it.
²⁰ A person too poor to present such an offering
   selects wood that will not rot;
they look for a skilled worker
   to set up an idol that will not topple.
²¹ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
   Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
   and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
   and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
²³ He brings princes to naught
   and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
   no sooner are they sown,
   no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
   and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.
²⁵ “To whom will you compare me?
   Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
   Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
   and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
   not one of them is missing.
²⁷ Why do you complain, Jacob?
   Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
   my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
   Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
   and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

Repost* 9/11 Hope & Faith

2011-09-10T12:01:00.000-04:00

It's the 10 year anniversary of the event that changed our lives forever. I am reposting my testimony that was shared in 2009.

As 9/11 comes every year since 2001 I am reminded of God's mercy as He called me to a deeper place of hope and faith.

While the event is horrible and tragic it stirs hope in me. I sometimes feel guilty for feeling good about something that was so horrible. Often journeys in faith are just that: tragic and beautiful. Death and life giving at the same time! As the day comes I ponder who I use to be and am thankful for who I have become. It was an event that brought my life into clearer focus.

I worked full-time at a center that served families and individuals with disabilities. I loved my work and was very successful. I enjoyed creating opportunities for independence in individuals lives. Whether it was teaching someone who had a stroke to type with one hand, or prescribing alternative communication devices for individuals with limited-to-no speech, or teaching a care-taker to make the environment more accessible... I felt needed and empowered to make change in others lives for the sake of independence. I had this quote on my desk as a sign of my faith but also to be hope for those with disabilities I served.

... but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; ⁴ and perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5:1-5, New King James Version)

The disabilities and individuals were so varied through the years but I LOVED my work; I loved my clients; I loved showing them a different way to do life. I loved advocating and educating people whose lives were not effected by disability; grateful to show them the possibilities technology could provide. Simple or complex, the possibilities were endless. Major bonus, my employer valued family and afforded me the opportunity to work some from home so I could pick my children up from school and be "home" with them in the afternoon.

I was living my life with my family, very involved in church. I worked full-time; went to school full-time; was a wife and mother that was absolutely overwhelmed. But happy, God was good! My son was in the first grade for the second time and my daughter was in a gifted-magnet middle school.

My son was diagnosed ADHD, sensory-integration dysfunction, or just-a-typical-boy depending on whose opinion you sought. He was on medication to make him "tolerable" to the teachers in his school. He still got in trouble despite the medication. I do not fault the teachers-but it is a poor system for individuals like my son. I remember taking time to visit him at school and I was devastated as I met him for lunch and he was on "silent lunch" for getting in trouble. (side note: let's take a kid that is struggling with talking and walking and being fidgety and let's punish him by making him silent-unsuccessfully I might add--I never "got it") I felt like the system was ruining him. He is one of the sweetest boys you'll ever meet. He is thoughtful, courteous, respectful, hilarious, and a joy. Yet, day after day, week after week his self-esteem was being pummeled.

My daughter was always a gifted honor student, teacher's pet, perfect child. Always a star! Yet, she went to a school where the put all the stars in one place and she didn't seem as bright as she always did. She was, but she began to doubt. Her self-esteem was waning. She was met with teasing for being so tiny; they called her anorexic. Our Christian values were challenged with the environment of middle school and especially school dances. I could not believe when I went to observe the dance that the music that was entirely inappropriate for middle schoolers (adults really). I am no ridiculous prude but it was seriously inappropriate! I wrote the principal about the music at the dance and lack of supervision but to no avail. My daughter became a cheerleader-surely that would boost her self-esteem. Nope, mean girls and competition and now balancing that with making good grades. It was too much for a precious young girl.

I knew my kids were awesome and I watched as they were being assaulted by all sorts of "wrongs". I felt hopeless to do anything about it. My amazing husband and I weren't making it on two incomes so no way would we make it on one. We lived in an apartment for low-income families. Had one mini van with no air conditioning. My hubby walked my son to school then rode the bus to work. He loved riding the bus because he could read his bible the whole way. It sounds like a hard life but it was a good life! God was working, moving, drawing us deep into Himself. I knew there had to be a different way though. I knew I felt trapped, burdened, weighed down and powerless to help myself, let alone my children, with their struggles.

Then I watched as America's security was shaken. We were violated. Plane One... Plane Two... Crashing Towers... The Pentagon...Flight 93...Let's Roll... It was too much! All I valued came into question. What was going to matter if I had no more tomorrows?

What was going to matter...? It became an urgent pondering. Was it going to matter...that I was great at my job but failed my kids... That I had an education but my kids paid for it. That I could not serve my husband because I was too tired and he could take care of himself. I was not at all the person I wanted to be; more importantly who I felt God wanted me to be.

God got my attention. With those acts of terrorism so fresh on my mind I knew my life had to change for the better. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Matthew 6:33.

God began a serious assault of truth in my life, messages, sermons, bible studies, people (I would believe to be directly aimed at me) that got my attention. I knew I needed to leave my job and home-school my son. How would we do that? I had no idea but I knew God was calling me to do it and any other choice was disobedience.

I finally had "the" conversation with my husband... would he flip? Freak? tell me no? NO! He honored and obeyed God. We didn't know anything other that we were following God! We couldn't sit down and show on paper that it would be okay financially. It actually was like I said we weren't making it on two incomes and now we would cut that in half. I also carried the benefits. We would have to do without those. We would have to trust God.

As I walked of this cliff of faith... Into the great unknown... Would we fail miserably and look foolish...
God gave me this verse which was a promise I clung to:

²⁵ “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
²⁸ “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
³¹ “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Matthew 6:25-34, New King James Version)

I can say we thought we would have to make serious sacrifices. Cutting everything extra (not like we really had extras to begin with). But low and behold two months into it very little had changed-except ME and my children and hubby. God provided in miraculous ways. It was amazing what just staying home saved us! Time with my children, time spent in prayer and truly getting to know the ins and outs of those little ones! Who weren't so little! You may have noticed I was only going to homeschool my son, I figured my daughter wouldn't go for it-but God did it! She wanted to be homeschooled too! It was amazing!

I can say now with confidence that a school-system in not what God designed for my children's success, that is what FAMILY is for. It is a parent's choice as to the kind of education that works for their families. I am just glad we have the opportunity to home school.

I had always said I would leave my job when/if Trent got a better job. Well, little did I know God had a different plan that involved growing my hope and faith! My husband got a better job through miraculous circumstances. God IS faithful! The job provided a company vehicle. We were graciously given a suburban by Trent's father and that served us well in the youth department. I could tell you a million other tales of craziness that God did!

Many years have passed and God's faithfulness is EVER PRESENT!!! We now have our own business and live in a nice house and things I could never have imagined would actually happen as I hoped for a better future.

I am sorry for the loss of life. However, I am forever grateful for the hope and faith God gave me through that time of National tragedy. It's a testimony of God's faithfulness, thank you for listening.

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I'm No Puppet Master

2011-08-26T08:53:00.011-04:00

Click to go to site where image located

I am at one of the toughest places I have ever been in my life.

My son has chosen to do things that are in direct contridiction to our teaching, rules, boundries.

I really shouldn't be surprised...but I am.

He is wanting to make his own way.

That way, as proverbs says--ends in death.

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. Proverbs 14:12

Not my words. Here is the whole thing...chock full of goodness!

It feels awful.

I have sobbed my guts out this morning...begging Jesus to "do this" or "make him do that" or make him want this" ...

Man my boy is a good kid! He has a huge heart! He is funny and talented. I want to make sure you know that...hahah!

He has to find his way. It is scary to be the parent and watch your kid not choose God's best.

But it will mean more when he chooses God's best because he WANTS God's best.

We had dinner with an elder from our church last night and he and his wife shared and spoke great things into my sons life. Into OUR life. I pray that he has ears to hear. me too..I pray that I have ears to hear!

I guess I am scared of what it "could" take for the Lord to get my son's attention. Because trust me the Lord will get his attention. I fear the "what if's". I guess I don't want to watch the destruction I know "could" happen when ones child chooses their own way.

I listened to a song from the past that HURT but gave me hope...I watched a best friend try to march his way, right away from God and attempt to go his own way and I saw Jesus bring him back...it gives me hope for me son.

It was a painful season...and the thought of living through another season of that...doesn't sound FUN to me at all!

I sobbed. I cried the ugly cry. I almost couldn't get my self back into control. I cried for over 1/2 hour.

Why? Well, so many reasons...here is the song

In case the video is ever unavailable--which happens--It is "Fix You" by Coldplay.
Click for lyrics

About 1/2 way in I was saying I can't "fix you" only the Lord can fix you

...and then relating it to our best friends and seeing how FAITHFUL God has been in their lives and how unbelievably awful a time that was and sometimes is...but God was/is there!

...I was sitting scared to death to watch what "could" happen if my son chooses not to submit to authority. Imaginations.

I am beside myself with grief at this point. I had already read My Utmost for His Highest and got nothing! Which is evidence that I am not recieving truth, so I read it again...and again...at least 4 more times before I could take it in with regards to this situation.

Are You Ever Troubled?

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you . . . —John 14:27

There are times in our lives when our peace is based simply on our own ignorance. But when we are awakened to the realities of life, true inner peace is impossible unless it is received from Jesus. When our Lord speaks peace, He creates peace, because the words that He speaks are always “spirit, and they are life” (John 6:63). Have I ever received what Jesus speaks? “. . . My peace I give to you. . .”— a peace that comes from looking into His face and fully understanding and receiving His quiet contentment.

Are you severely troubled right now? Are you afraid and confused by the waves and the turbulence God sovereignly allows to enter your life? Have you left no stone of your faith unturned, yet still not found any well of peace, joy, or comfort? Does your life seem completely barren to you? Then look up and receive the quiet contentment of the Lord Jesus. Reflecting His peace is proof that you are right with God, because you are exhibiting the freedom to turn your mind to Him. If you are not right with God, you can never turn your mind anywhere but on yourself. Allowing anything to hide the face of Jesus Christ from you either causes you to become troubled or gives you a false sense of security.

With regard to the problem that is pressing in on you right now, are you “looking unto Jesus” (Hebrews 12:2) and receiving peace from Him? If so, He will be a gracious blessing of peace exhibited in and through you. But if you only try to worry your way out of the problem, you destroy His effectiveness in you, and you deserve whatever you get. We become troubled because we have not been taking Him into account. When a person confers with Jesus Christ, the confusion stops, because there is no confusion in Him. Lay everything out before Him, and when you are faced with difficulty, bereavement, and sorrow, listen to Him say, “Let not your heart be troubled . . .” (John 14:27).

With each rereading...peace...more peace...PEACE! and Jesus!

My husband thinks I am so upset because "I am not in control" I have been processing it...and the truth is I like being in control. but I don't want to CONTROL my son. I don't want to control his strings and make him dance and make the moves only i allow him to make. Not at all!

It makes me sick to even think of that. What hurts the most is that I don't want what i want, I want what God wants and I feel so misunderstood!

I want him to desire God's best above all else. I know that that requires self-sacrifice; and right now he is being selfish

I want him to honor his parents because it is God's commandment; and he is choosing dishonor.

I want him to love Jesus with all his heart, mind, soul and strength and love his neighbor better than himself; and right now he only loves himself.

I won't make excuses for him and say "well he's just a kid! or that's what teenagers do!" WHATEVER! He knows better, and he is making bad choices and there will be consequences.

We didn't set out as parent's and say: "hmmm....what are the things in lfe that could make our kids life miserable? Let's choose that as a rule! Yeah! That'll really make him suffer!" NO!!!!! We sought the Lord! We sought His Word! We can no sooner change how we feel about "not-dating" than we could change our belief in Christ...the two go together!

I truly hope this is a minor bump in the road...just a minor diversion from the great and woderful Jesus fearing life he has to live.

I do not wish to be a puppet master...but want Jesus to make him a real live man of God!

With his heart for missions and his talent with music the enemy hates his guts! Of course he will be tested and tried and put through the wringer! Of course...but an it stinks watching it!

Right now...this is my prayer:

A Father's Prayer
by General Douglas MacArthur

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.

Build me a son whose wishbone will not be where his backbone should be; a son who will know Thee and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.

Lead him I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.

Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, the meekness of true strength.

Then, I, his father, will dare to whisper, "I have not lived in vain"

Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Douglas_MacArthur_when_was_A_Father%27s_Prayer_written#ixzz1W9nVlgIk

The Burn

2011-08-25T14:12:00.000-04:00

Click to go to image site and read about:What Do I Do When God Says No.

This morning D woke up with a diarrhea diaper. Not sure how long he had it on for; however I know it was long enough to give him a nasty, bright, red rash on his hiney that made him wince as I wiped him.

I know better than to give him so much apple juice.

Though I hate when he is sad that he can't have juice and he whines and wants "apppple duice" {holding his cup toward me bouncing, begging}. I give him juice.

I didn't say no and make him have something else that he needed, water.

Well, today he pays the consequence for his choice, and my inability to say no, and he suffers.

Consequently we have the same battle happening on a much greater level with my 17 year old.

We haven't always told him NO when needed! When we needed to and we let him get away with privileges when he deserved discipline. We allowed him to watch things, listen to things and participate in other things that aren't in his best interest.

Now we are all feeling the burn.

It stinks to watch those you love suffer not only consequences of their own choices, but consequences for your own sin as well.

It burns. I wince. It makes me want to cry because I don't know how long it will take to heal.

As I rub diaper cream on the hiney, and the Word of God on my heart, I will wait for the Lord to heal us all.

Matter of Heart

2011-08-22T14:12:00.000-04:00


Click here to go to image site

If I see a mess, I want to clean it up.

Stack of messy business cards on your counter? I'll straighten them.
See a spot, will scrub!

Right now, I am dealing with a mess I can't clean up.

Believe me I want to get out a bucket of bleach and scrub the mess out of it! I want to get oxyclean, fabuloso and go nuts on it! I want to wash it white as snow.

but I can't.

Unless the Lord washes it clean...it won't be clean. It's a matter of heart!

33 "Either make the tree good, and its fruit good; or make the tree bad, and its fruit bad; for the tree is known by its fruit. 34 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good things, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. 35 The good person brings good things out of a good treasure, and the evil person brings evil things out of an evil treasure. 36 I tell you, on the day of judgment you will have to give an account for every careless word you utter; 37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." 38 Then some of the scribes and Pharisees said to him, "Teacher, we wish to see a sign from you." 39 But he answered them, "An evil and adulterous generation asks for a sign, but no sign will be given to it except the sign of the prophet Jonah. 40 For just as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of the sea monster, so for three days and three nights the Son of Man will be in the heart of the earth. 41 The people of Nineveh will rise up at the judgment with this generation and condemn it, because they repented at the proclamation of Jonah, and see, something greater than Jonah is here!

Matthew 12

Trusting the Lord to do what only He can, and pray I am found faithful in the waiting!

1 Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord guards the city, the guard keeps watch in vain. 2 It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives sleep to his beloved. 3 Sons are indeed a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons of one's youth. 5 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them. He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Psalm 127

Walking Wounded

2011-08-21T12:48:00.000-04:00

I feel wounded. So let down. So disrespected. So heartbroken. Drawing in another breath almost feels like too much work.

I am listening to worship music and reading what I wrote about walking wounded in 2007. It spoke to me again...round and around here we are again...where we have been before and where we will surely be again...VANITY and chasing after wind!

If you read this...could you pray for our family. We face many, many, trials...and I am holding to Psalm 40

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.
⁴ Blessed is the one
   who trusts in the LORD,
who does not look to the proud,
   to those who turn aside to false gods.^[b]
⁵ Many, LORD my God,
   are the wonders you have done,
   the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
   were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
   they would be too many to declare.
⁶ Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
   but my ears you have opened^[c]—
   burnt offerings and sin offerings^[d] you did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
   it is written about me in the scroll.^[e]
⁸ I desire to do your will, my God;
   your law is within my heart.”
⁹ I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
   I do not seal my lips, LORD,
   as you know.
¹⁰ I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
   I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
   from the great assembly.
¹¹ Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD;
   may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles without number surround me;
   my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
   and my heart fails within me.
¹³ Be pleased to save me, LORD;
   come quickly, LORD, to help me.
¹⁴ May all who want to take my life
   be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
   be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
   be appalled at their own shame.
¹⁶ But may all who seek you
   rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
   “The LORD is great!”
¹⁷ But as for me, I am poor and needy;
   may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
   you are my God, do not delay.

November 6, 2007

What do you do when you're in deep emotional pain, and you're burned out on
religion?

That's how I was feeling when I wrote the following blog post:

Article from Relevant Magazine November 2007 pg. 44
by: Jim Palmer http://www.myspace.com/divinenobodies
or http://www.divinenobodies.com/blog/
Only excerpts-you'll have to read the whole thing yourself :)

Here's to all the walking wounded...to those still carrying a little heartbroken boy or girl inside; to those who feel rejected and lonely; to those who woke up with a dull ache inside; to those who are wondering where God is in the midst of their deep pain; to those whose past wounds have been pulled open yet again; to those weary and worn out and longing for someplace to call home; to those in the darkness who can't seem to find the light; to those who wonder if they will ever find love; to those who feel misunderstood; to the abandoned and discarded; to those who feel they are running out of reasons to get out of bed each morning; to those in the clutches of depression; to those who are smiling on the outside but dying on the inside; to those suffering in silence. Here's to all the walking wounded.

There was a time when I sought after God because I wanted certain benefits of knowing him. Finally I had to face the diagnostic question "How's that working for you?" Well, it wasn't.
Jen's summation of a few paragraphs: more words... Revolutionary (ordinary) moment and God reveals to Jim-

I understood exactly what God was saying. What God was saying to me was, "Jim you're searching for it through life circumstances, human relationships, success, even through a set of Christian beliefs, practices, and principles about Me. You seek me because you want Me to give it to you. Jim, I am IT. I am Love. I am Life, I am Peace, I am Joy. I am Satisfaction. I am Freedom. It's not something I give; it's who I Am. I AM what you're looking for."

Jesus spoke the same truth when He said, "Seek first his kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matthew 6:33 TNIV) (Jen's life verse by the way) I missed the order Jesus intended. I was consumed with seeking love, acceptance, freedom, wholeness and worth my own way, hoping God would cooperate, instead of allowing love, acceptance, freedom, worth and value to be added to my life as a result of seeking God first. One of the most amazing realities of knowing God is finding that knowing is enough.

Jen sharing now...
Matthew 6: 31-34 Do Not Worry
So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Okay, so I know this! I really do. I claim to every person who will listen that I have LIVED this verse. I believe that I have. Why can't I this time? Why can't I wake up and desire God's delicious word instead of having hurt and heartbreak fill my stomach so much that I can't eat food. Why can't my thirst for righteousness want to be quenched over the desire for breathing in dust instead of life. I only want to talk through writing. Saying things out loud is as if each thought is one of those tiny capsules that when you place them in water they grow to be a big sponge dinosaur.

I am here for a reason. I am living this for a purpose bigger than myself. I am sorry if I am not appreciating that right now. My friends are an encouragement; but I can't even be totally honest with God and I am trying to simply seek Him. Unfortunately my life is continuing on around me. All I want to do is get to the bottom of this with God; yet, laundry needs washing, my son needs schooling, I should probably sort the mail and pay bills but all I want to do is sit alone and wait to hear from God. Sounds like good intentions-but they aren't. They are selfish unnecessary intentions-stopping life is a denial of God's power to work in and through me in the most ordinary of circumstances. Putting my life on hold is a very poor example to those who believe me to be a woman of faith-- look she is curled up in bed crying with this little trial. Oh! How I am torn.

Off to try to live and ordinary life in an extraordinary way. Walking wounded. love me

Job 23
Job Says He Longs for God
Then Job replied, "Even today my complaint is rebellion; His hand is heavy despite my groaning. "Oh that I knew where I might find Him, That I might come to His seat! "I would present my case before Him And fill my mouth with arguments. "I would learn the words which He would answer, And perceive what He would say to me. "Would He contend with me by the greatness of His power? No, surely He would pay attention to me. "There the upright would reason with Him; And I would be delivered forever from my Judge. "Behold, I go forward but He is not there, And backward, but I cannot perceive Him; When He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him; He turns on the right, I cannot see Him. "But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold. "My foot has held fast to His path; I have kept His way and not turned aside. "I have not departed from the command of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food. "But He is unique and who can turn Him? And what His soul desires, that He does. "For He performs what is appointed for me, And many such decrees are with Him. "Therefore, I would be dismayed at His presence; When I consider, I am terrified of Him. "It is God who has made my heart faint, And the Almighty who has dismayed me, But I am not silenced by the darkness, Nor deep gloom which covers me.

The Rescue

2011-08-11T13:55:00.001-04:00

I feel like I am watching a person starve to death. I feel so unequipped even though I have lived through never starving to death. I want to say to them "hydrate, nourish, rest" these are the things you do to be well. I talk about the Lord and how the Lord delivered me from starving to death before ever having to actually starve. Then the person I am trying to help just doesn't do the suggested things. Just sits. and starves.

There comes a point where you have to simply let the starving person starve until they are ready to eat for themselves.

I can't put food in their mouth.

I tried to lift their head and feed them, I tried to say "try this it will help." The beauty of starving won them over. Maybe they ask themselves "How can I be happy full...I need to starve to not feel this pain."

Maybe starving to death isn't that bad...surely I don't know and could never understand {hint of sarcasm}. Maybe it is better with a swollen belly full of worms and being so sick that you can't lift your head.

I have had friends share with my starving friend how they have starved or someone they love has starved to death. It's not enough to stop the starving.

On Sunday I was wrecked with grief over the starving and how do I get my loved one to eat. I praised the Lord. Fell to the floor and worshiped. When being taught through the book of Ecclesiastes when I heard this verse....i wept. and couldn't stop.

¹⁸ For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.

You see I had never really ever sat in this place before trying to help a starving person. My husband was malnourished and very sick and I watched God deliver him from starvation. I was on the verge of starving. Now I know about starvation. I have witnessed it first hand. I will never be the same. I have more sorrow and more grief. It's isn't because of the starving person...it's because starvation is sin.

I asked friends on facebook: What would you do if you encountered a starving person?

answer #1: Feed him both food and the Word of God.
answer #2: Feed him ♥

It seems logical. Easy. An easy fix!

Life isn't always logical. Sometime the starving person wants to starve.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.”

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

1 Corinthians 6:12-20: Scripture in context

It is difficult to see someone we love suffer. We want to rescue them. Truth is, they can't be rescued until they realize they need rescuing.

The Rescue

All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.

When we suffer for Jesus, it works out for your healing and salvation. If we are treated well, given a helping hand and encouraging word, that also works to your benefit, spurring you on, face forward, unflinching. Your hard times are also our hard times. When we see that you're just as willing to endure the hard times as to enjoy the good times, we know you're going to make it, no doubt about it.

We don't want you in the dark, friends, about how hard it was when all this came down on us in Asia province. It was so bad we didn't think we were going to make it. We felt like we'd been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he's the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he'll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing.

2 Cor 1:3-11 MSG in context

Thankful that I have been rescued!
Praying for rescue for my starving one.

Job 23:12

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹² I have not departed from the commandment of His lips;
I have treasured the words of His mouth
More than my necessary food.

Time

2011-08-10T14:18:00.001-04:00

Sometimes so much time passes you can't possibly catch everyone up.

Suffice it to say:

"I will bless the Lord at all times His praise shall continually be in my mouth" Psalm 34:1

I have written 3 posts that are private and will not be shared. The sort of chronicle some of what has happened. Because this blog is public and what is going on with me lately is private...I can't share.

I am working on another to share. It will be vague.

Bottom line...God is in control.

Prayer is appreciated!

Just so you know: We have the privileged of getting to love on my little cousin for a while. He is 2 years old and a joy! His name means full of goodness, and boy he is! Not sure how long he will be with us, but we are making the most of our time for sure.

I am getting the honor of going to the zoo, going on play dates, and library story time in the name of LOVE! For that I am so grateful!

I apologize if it seems that I have been absent...I have just had to be silent for a while. That's unusual ;)

Song for Me

2011-07-07T10:39:00.000-04:00

This morning I felt "lacking".

I felt "led" to Google "Redemption's Story", I don't know how to explain it--it just came to me.

THEN

I cried as I read the lyrics to a song I had never heard before...

before ever listening the words were exactly what I needed...then I listened and cried some more.

I love the Lord. and I love that He loves me enough to give me exactly what I need.

MORE of HIM! Words to share. Music that makes me want to sing. Dance and be wildly, recklessly in love with Him.

Addison Road: Change in the Making
There’s a better version of me
That I can’t quite see
But things are gonna change
Right now I’m a total mess and
Right now I’m completely incomplete
But things are gonna change
Cause you’re not through with me yet

This is redemption’s story
With every step that I'm taking
Every day, you’re chipping away
What I don’t need
This is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be
I'm a change in the making

Wish I could live more patiently
Wish I could give a little more of me
Without stopping to think twice
Wish I had faith like a little child
Wish I could walk a single mile
Without tripping on my own feet
But you’re not through with me yet

And this is redemption’s story
With every step that I'm taking
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
And every day, you’re chipping away
What I don’t need
This is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
Every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be

From the dawn of history
You make new and you redeem
From a broken world to a broken heart
You finish what you start in everything
Like a river rolls into the sea
We’re not who we’re going to be
But things are going to change

I'm living redemption’s story
With every step that I'm taking
And every day, you’re chipping away
What I don’t need
And this is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be
I'm a change in the making

I'm not who I'm gonna be
Moving closer to your glory

Whatever!

2011-06-07T08:09:00.000-04:00

Whatever? Whatever! Or like my teen say What (brief pause) everrrrr.

That word strikes me so ODD.

I am a huge Ozzy fan...not sure if we know each other will enough for me to call him that. Well, truth is, he's dead so he doesn't know me at all. Have you heard of OSWALD CHAMBERS?

I asked in a previous post and shared about Intercession for Redemption.

Today is along those line. Ozzy says:

Am I fulfilling this ministry of intercession deep within the hidden recesses of my life? There is no trap nor any danger at all of being deceived or of showing pride in true intercession. It is a hidden ministry that brings forth fruit through which the Father is glorified. Am I allowing my spiritual life to waste away, or am I focused, bringing everything to one central point— the atonement of my Lord? Is Jesus Christ more and more dominating every interest of my life? If the central point, or the most powerful influence, of my life is the atonement of the Lord, then every aspect of my life will bear fruit for Him.

Wow! Breathe for a second (at least I had to).

However, I must take the time to realize what this central point of power is. Am I willing to give one minute out of every hour to concentrate on it? “If you abide in Me . . . “— that is, if you continue to act, and think, and work from that central point— “you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you” (John 15:7). Am I abiding? Am I taking the time to abide? What is the greatest source of power in my life? Is it my work, service, and sacrifice for others, or is it my striving to work for God? It should be none of these— what ought to exert the greatest power in my life is the atonement of the Lord. It is not on what we spend the greatest amount of time that molds us the most, but whatever exerts the most power over us. We must make a determination to limit and concentrate our desires and interests on the atonement by the Cross of Christ.

Am I abiding?

Definition of ABIDE

transitive verb

1: to wait for : await

2a : to endure without yielding : withstand b : to bear patiently : tolerate abide such bigots>

3: to accept without objection abide your decision>

How would I define the greatest source of power in my life? my ATONEMENT in JESUS CHRIST!

With that processed:

“Whatever you ask in My name, that I will do . . . .” The disciple who abides in Jesus is the will of God, and what appears to be his free choices are actually God’s foreordained decrees. Is this mysterious? Does it appear to contradict sound logic or seem totally absurd? Yes, but what a glorious truth it is to a saint of God.

Whatever? the love of my soul says: WHATEVER!

I am asking that the one I love realize her great redemption. That she desires to be a child of light. That she would want more of HIM! I pray that she experience HIS power in her life in a real tangible way. That she would allow the Word of God to be real to her! That in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ that she would be FREE! Free from _______, free from strongholds, free from abusive people, free INDEED! That the Lord in His mercy and wisdom would provide healing. That He would miraculously deliver this precious child of His, that she would never be the same.

In case the video becomes unavailable
Glory Of It All by David CrowderAt the start
He was there
He was there
In the end
He’ll be there
He’ll be there
And after all
Our hands have wrought
He forgives

Oh, the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

All is lost
Find Him there
Find Him there
After night
Dawn is there
Dawn is there
And after all
Falls apart
He repairs
He repairs

Oh, He is here
With redemption from the fall
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

After night
Comes a light
Dawn is here
Dawn is here
It’s a new day, a new day
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same

Vows

2011-06-01T09:14:00.000-04:00

2010 Anniversary Date

As of today I have spent 1/2 my life with My LOVE, Trent Polk!

I am thankful that we have had the opportunity to walk together towards NO GREATER LOVE with Jesus Christ!

I wrote my own wedding vows.

It was a poem that came to me...leaving his house early one morning. Before we were ever engaged. Sad, that this isn't the start to marriage I recommend. Although, we were not living for God in any way shape or form. Forgive me! I almost deleted this paragraph for relevance...but desired to leave it. So you can know...Christ changes things when we walk in the light!

But this came suddenly, while I was driving, I had to keep repeating it over and over until I could write it down. Thankful the words still ring true today!

You Are The One

You are my strength
when I cannot stop the tears.

You are the voice
that quiets all my fears.

You are the body
that gives me someone to hold.

You are the light
that leads me through the dark.

You are the arrow
that points me to my mark

You are my eyes
whenever I cannot see.

You are everything
that I want you to be.

You are the prayer
that I send to heaven above.

but most of all...
YOU ARE MY LOVE!

Sadly, it wasn't too long after these vows that DIVORCE was all I could think about. Destruction was plotting to ruin us. Most people who know us now are shocked to know the rest of the story. I assure you it wasn't pretty--but now it is one of the very things GOD HAS MADE LIGHT!

I are forever grateful to a friend, Terri Green, that invited me to a Woman's Retreat out of Arlington Baptist Church that changed my life... I am thankful to that church for having scholarships for those that couldn't afford to go.

I am thankful that Christ proved Himself to me, through His word, and the teacher who sadly I don't know her name, through life-changing TRUTH:
THAT ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN COULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

I am thankful that God gave me the desire TO TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD! I am thankful that Jesus is the Word! Word!

I am thankful to Psalm 34. When I was afraid of the Bible. It was what I read daily for years.

I am thankful that Laine Clayton, started sharing the Left Behind series that prompted my husband to get back in church.

I am grateful to Sandi Caldwell-Rahimi to being LOVE to me. And inviting me insistently to Celebration Baptist Church .

I am thankful for Celebration Baptist Church for accepting us and loving us right where we were. Walking us through becoming Christ followers. It will always be our HOME church! Though now it is called Faithbridge Church :)

I am thankful for Ray and Kim Reeves with whom we have done life together and couldn't have done it without! Jesus with flesh on. We, collectively, have never had to go through a struggle, minor or life-shattering, alone. What comfort in Christ!

I am thankful that Jesus gave us an ARMY of support, those that battled with us, for us, alongside us!
Marriages, teachers, books, friends, youth, my own children! Fighting the good fight!
I dare not write names, because I could never name them all! Praise God!

These VOWS are nothing to take lightly. Trent said the traditional vows.

We vowed to God, whether we took it "seriously" at the time, or not. We vowed till death do us part.

I am so grateful Christ gives us the strength, as we seek Him, to honor the covenant we made!

It's not easy. We have an enemy. However, Our God is greater!

As we seek to live our life in a way that brings glory and honor to the Father...I pray that when people look at our marriage that they know it was ALL because of Jesus!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

The Day

2011-05-31T07:29:00.001-04:00

I would say today is THE day...

However, isn't EVERYDAY "THE" Day?

The more I think about it...everyday is a choice for LIFE or DEATH!

Everyday is a choice for BLESSING or CURSES?

Everyday is a choice for HEALING or PAIN?

My BMGSFITWWW always says you have to walk yourself back out of the woods as far as you walked yourself in.

I believe that.

Although, I think we can take each step, one at a time, on our own; or we can WALK WITH GOD and He makes each one of our steps equal twenty of our own.

This is of course my own math, based on my life experience. I've tested it! That doesn't mean walking out will be easy, without pain, free from consequences.

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8

So, as I walk with my God...I will walk with a dear loved one helping her to see that she too can walk with her God. She can find rest for her soul.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

or the message version--which I LOVE!

Matthew 11:28 (The Message)
^28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Click image to go to the blog where it came from

Redemption

2011-05-28T09:07:00.000-04:00

I'm in an interesting place that I have never been before.

Yes, I have desired redemption for my children, friends, family, strangers in the grocery store, drivers on the road, teenage girls with too little clothing haha.

Never like this.

I need to ask for intercession for redemption.

Where so much pain meets desperation and there are no ANSWERS why...I know the ONLY answer is Christ. His Word changes things! Christ is the Word. I have lived it! I can't deny it.

I also can't make others "get it", live it, have it or want it.

When someone does want it! Need it. Desires it. I know we do NOT battle against flesh and bones (Eph 6:12). I need people who will beg mercy from God in intercession and pray protection over Christ's work. That no bird, stony soil, hardened heart, or fruitless deed of darkness or other wise has a place in Christ healing, redemptive process.

I found an article looking for art, haven't read it all...but loved this quote.

At the very heart of the meaning of redemption is a God who loves us more than we can ever know – who so loved the world that he gave his only son. The writer James Atkinson put it this way. “So great, so deep, so irresistible and inconceivable is the Father’s purpose to redeem us, that God carried through our redemption at this awful cost. When we stand before a love as wide as heaven’s arch, that stretches from horizon to horizon as a brilliant rainbow of mercy, the heart is compelled to worship in amazement and awe.”

I ~~stole~~ borrowed the art and quote above from HERE: http://ssje.org/monasticwisdom/?p=468

The NO GREATER LOVE verse keeps going through my mind...and oddly i don't think of myself laying down my life at all. I think of CHRIST laying down His life, that HE is my friend. I so desperately want those I presently serve to know and experience that FIRST HAND!

Will you pray?

Have you experienced redemption? I would HATE to not address it! It's too amazing for you to miss!

MORE info here: http://bible.org/article/gods-plan-salvation

Times

2011-05-23T11:02:00.000-04:00

Ohh, ohh, ooooohh

Praise God for musicians that can wrap you in a song that carries you at TIMES.

Recently my son volunteered at a concert for Third Day, Tenth Avenue North, and Trevor Morgan at the Make Your Move Tour.

I am grateful for the impression that Tenth Avenue North made on my son. He has spent hours watching videos and listening to songs and filling himself up with all kinds of God stuff thanks to those men!

Nothing delights me more than to here my son working on a song.

Well, this song is now a FAVORITE!

Sometimes BEHIND the song...means as much to me as the song itself.

Here is the song for you listening pleasure:

I felt like I needed to THANK Tenth Avenue North for the impact they have had on my son!
here is a peek at what I said :

Thank you. 2 words but they don't sound as powerful as I really, truly feel in my heart.

My son is an awesome young man that has been struggling with his faith. Not with "faith" but with living out his faith in a way that matters.

He came home from your concert and a few things that I'd like to share to encourage you:

*After coming home from the event, he was going to watch a show that he would normally watch and said to himself "I don't want to put that garbage in me after having such a Holy night" of course when he told me this I played it off low key...no big deal...but i am literally FLIPPING out.

*He cried. Oh, he may act like it wasn't a deal. You were teenage guys once so you know it's a big deal. But he came in the next day and said "Mom, you need to listen to this song I heard last night, it will make you cry" then he had to leave the room because he was getting teared up just thinking about it. It was "You are More" and for the record I didn't cry...but I am now :)

*He has spent hours watching videos that you guys post on Youtube...thank you! Thank you for preaching, being funny, being honest and real. Oh I might normally complain about my son being on the computer for hours watching youtube...but he has watched nothing but your channel. Soaking in every thing...and thank you that there is so much JESUS there as well!

*He's practicing your songs. I love to listen to him learn. This is a blog I wrote before your concert...
http://redeemedbeautifulmess.blogspot.com/2011/05/lessons-from-listening.html

Yeah, he would die if he read this. I don't care. I know that we often don't get to know the ways our lives touch others. I want to encourage you to keep posting lest my son run out of good things to watch ;)

There is more I could say...but I will leave it at this for now.

Connections

2011-05-20T14:00:00.001-04:00

We are connected!
What happens to ONE, happens to us all!
If you drop a stone in a lake the ripples are felt
top, depth, width, breadth...
No loss, no hurt of another, no sin offended
leaves us, the connected, unaffected.
~Jen Polk circa 2011

Today I FEEL like this. ^

A ball of yarn, or ribbon, both
wouldn't mean a lot to most
they can't see the beauty hidden
or connectedness in the life we're livin'
Where does one heart stop
and another begin?
Where does your hurt start
and my pain end?
It's somewhere in the in-between
a place where faith and Spirit meet
Where we see we're more than we're meant to be
We're woven into a beautiful tapestry

I stopped there because sometime my "rhyming" make me nauseous. I can't help it...I don't try. It just sort of happens.

I am dealing with a lot lately. Much of it isn't my own "hurt". But it effects me.

Divorce, loss of a child, miscarriage, lack of leadership, displacement, abuse, abandonment,

Success, abundance, graduation, mission, birth, new life, growth.

I call myself beautiful mess. That's how I feel.

Fortunately for you, I talked a lot of this out with my good friend Laine, so I'll spare you 2 that read this the drama behind all of it all.

The HEART of it is: We are not unaffected by others life circumstances and choices.
Unless we choose to be...then we are in sin.

Images stolen borrowed from here:
Water: http://www.lehmanmac.com/?attachment_id=480
Yarn: http://awoollytail.com/product-detail.asp

Lessons from Listening

2011-05-11T13:36:00.001-04:00

Listening to my son learn a new song on the guitar is therapeutic for me.

Hunter's 1st guitar, 4yo

Usually he is in his room playing, strumming, singing and then it's quiet...then he comes to the office
"Mom, can you look up _____________ song for me?" We look up chords, usually listen to it on youtube, maybe a cover or two, then the original again, print the chords...and he starts!

Sometimes he gets it right away...playing while listening; picking up the chords by listening and I am amazed. How does he do that? Or, he'll already know a bit of it before he walks out and just needs a little help to fill in gaps.

Other times...it's a tough song. Listening to him practice it's like I can hear him struggle...pause, regain strength, do it again, and again, over and over, till the song begins the sound like it is supposed to. When his voice hits the notes it should, when it should. When the beat starts to come together and actually go at the rhythm it is supposed to.

A few songs it has been painful to listen to the learning. Where I just cringe listening to him "not play it likes its supposed to". I have wanted to say..."how about another song." "Not like that..." or "stop!" But I have learned that if I wait, he'll get it. It doesn't take long and the hard work has paid off.

I smile.

It's a beautiful thing.

It starts out fractured, pieces, having parts and missing others, with practice he puts it together...gains confidence and makes something beautiful.

When learning a new song he always still practices the songs he knows. I think "of course he must practice or he'll forget" forget the finger placement, rhythm, beat, lyrics...

It's like he is building a repertoire of beauty.

Very much like life.

It's something to be the mother of a gifted child. Hunter would probably laugh to be called gifted and say you mean Brittny. But no, I mean Hunter. He may not be my academically gifted child; but he has gifts that he is learning to use for the kingdom of God (whether he knows it yet or not). I am not talking about musical gifts either... it's a piece of who he is, sure.

However, there are all sorts of gifts this young man has. Right now it looks fractured, pieces, having parts and missing others, with practice he'll put it together...gain confidence and makes something beautiful.

After days like Monday, I need the reminder he is building a repertoire of beauty.

Here is a short clip of him playing "boredom". I was so amazed a thought it was so beautiful, and to him, it was nothing. This also helps me not to violate any copy write laws :)

Someday Son...

2011-05-10T11:28:00.000-04:00

Someday son...You'll see that I did it for you not me.

You'll thank me for the man you have become.

You will recognize the sacrifices I have made for you.

You will appreciate the upbringing you had when you see it contrast with the world.

You will see that your character is different because you were homeschooled.

You will know that every single day I questioned my choice to school you at home.

You will know that I pray and beg God to show me if I am supposed to do something different.

Someday I hope the Lord talks to you and you can follow Him in TOUGH choices He calls you to even when you don't want to.

Someday it won't be questioning and arguing and blaming me for your failures.

Someday you will look past me and see yourself in the mirror and recognize there is a God that loves you and pursues you and has protected you!

Someday I hope you PRAISE and thank Him for all that He has done in your life and mine and not regret the decision to school you at home.

God grant me faithfulness in the now so I can wait for the Someday...because today I want to QUIT!

I feel so attacked and blamed and hated and it hurts.

Son, we view everything different. What's important-different. How can I expect you to understand? Appreciate? Respect?

Grow a wise heart—you'll do yourself a favor;
   keep a clear head—you'll find a good life. Proverbs 19:8
Discipline your children while you still have the chance;
   indulging them destroys them. Proverbs 19:18

We humans keep brainstorming options and plans,
   but God's purpose prevails. Proverbs 19:21
If you quit listening, dear child, and strike off on your own,
   you'll soon be out of your depth. Proverbs 19:27

Pretty much ALL of Proverbs 19 ROCKs!

I needed to cry. I needed this time to get in God's word. Thank you son for driving me to the ONE who matters most.

I love you!

Mother's Day 2011

Just so you know...this kid ain't all bad HERE is a post from his 16th B-day. He truly is an amazing young man...but just so you can see the "whole" of who I am. As well as encourage you in the dailiness of life!

My Mothers

2011-05-08T08:13:00.001-04:00

It's days before Mother's day and I have albums pulled out all over the place. Everyone is putting up pictures of their mom's on facebook and it surprised me that this year I am not terribly sad about Mother's Day. This is unusual for me.

Usually it is a reminder for me of the loss of my Mother.

This year I lost two more mothers I loved. You would think that would make me sadder. The more I think about it though, the beauty of their lives, drives me to live my life beautifully.

I have a thought about mother's: we need more than one. There are all kind of Mother's that have touched my life. All have their place, time, and lasting effect! I think I have also been working in the last years to acknowledge and appreciate the mother's in my life. Going to visit and speak the words of thanks. This has provided much healing.

So, walk with me through my world of Mother's. The words here will be few (maybe more than a few). Each Mother has a detailed story that has been written on my heart. I want to try to chronicle, at some point, the stories for my children; However, not this year. This is a synopsis...one with not enough time to really say the FULLNESS of what these ladies mean to me.

These are a few of the woman I consider to have MOTHERED me when I needed it.

MOTHER BY BIRTH

My mother.

She was a wise, wise woman. We always say "she should have gone on Jeopardy". She would always watch Wheel of Fortune & Jeopardy and kill at both. I am pretty sure she had some type of photographic memory. I am glad my daughter got some of those genes...but they skipped me.

I grew up at a boarding school where my mother worked. It was like "a rich kids alternative to jail". My mother was tough. She worked really hard. She worked a lot. I had a lot of "mother figures" which is the point of the post...however it wasn't ever because my mother wasn't adequate. She was amazing. She showed me love in her own special way. She sacrificed her life, for mine. She really showed me how to be a mother. She mothered SO MANY kids! She was a dorm mother. Most times as many as 25 boys...that she parented. 1000's of people on this planet were mothered by my mother at some point. That is crazy to think about! I am not really in touch with any of her "kids" anymore. I should look them up...maybe that will be my next project :)

We had a really interesting relationship. I am still trying to formulate it and make sense of some of it. Like why she didn't tell me HELL NO more often? Sorry if that was offensive, but when the question is "can I stay the night at my boyfriends house?" the answer should maybe even be harsher than that.

But I am sure she had her reasons that are probably the same reasons I don't tell my kids no often enough.

DeSisito's Prom 1985 (I think)

I always say God has a plan. While I think I became a mother WAY TOO YOUNG...I am thankful that my mother got to love my children before she died.


Momo with her baby grands! 1994

The picture below is not how I remember my mother. However, it is my mother. Honestly, I spent a lot of my life ashamed of my mother's appearance. Shame on me! I want to erase what I just typed because I think it is so awful. But it is in the truth where you find freedom. I have come to see my mother as one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. She lived her life more for others than she did for herself. She gave herself away. I think in the end it was the fact that she could no longer return to work teaching learning-disabled students that did her in more than cancer.

My Mom...last school picture before she died.
She has no hair because of Chemo. She has scars because of falls.
She has two broken arms because the cancer had eaten through her bones.
I think she is beautiful!

I wrote a story about the death of my mother: HERE

MOTHER'S BY ADOPTION
Then there are those mothers that are in your life for a season. These woman have left a lasting effect on my life. When I look at how I will mother anything that comes within 5 feet of me, it reminds me of these women. They loved me. They gave me love. Though they didn't "raise" me...they were a mother to me.


Me, Bonni, Terry & Claire Courneya 2010

Mrs. Claire fed me. Let me be at their house way too much. She diagnosed my appendicitis. She took me to church. Taught me the Lord's prayer. Made homemade candy. Her marriage was the ONLY example in my childhood of one-man-one-woman-together-forever (and thinking right now--it is still one of the few). She showed me that family didn't have to look like a "normal" family. Everyone didn't have to be the same color. She taught me about adoption. I felt adopted.

I went to visit them a few years back and they were still living in the last home they lived in when I was a teen. One their wall was a "home" I had made in pottery class. It's something to know that of all the places I called home...theirs is where I felt the most "at home".

Mrs. Frances or Mimi was just in my life for a short time. She made a lasting impact. When we moved to South Carolina and I needed a Mother-she was it! She would call and we would chat. She always remembered my birthday (something I am TERRIBLE at). She just was LOVE to me.


Frances or Mimi 2010

I did write a story about Mimi: HERE

MOTHER'S BY RELATION
Both of these mothers have become like my OWN mother. Not in-laws at all...but IN-LOVE!

Ruth is the mother of my daughter's biological father. We were never married. When my mother had to move away to find a job, Ruth took me and Brittny in. We are still in contact and I love her dearly. She helped me live in the in between. I was a teen mother...she helped me be a teen and helped me be a mother.

Brittny, Ruth, Stacey, and Me 1990

Me & Ruth 2010

My Mother-in law. She is so beautiful, inside and out. We joke she is the "Knower-of-all-things-Knowable". She is undoubtedly the greatest cook of all the women I have known. She says that she is getting to old to do the cooking (ha!) and is going to pass it to me...and I cringe thinking well...I hope everyone like canned sauce spaghetti instead of standing rib roast, with garlic whipped mashed potatoes, and fresh green beans, salad with homemade dressing. And she bakes! From scratch! Did I mention her house is impeccable? I would hate her if I didn't love her so much!

Did I mention, she loves me. We have grown into each other. I can only imagine what she originally thought of me. I dare not type the adjectives I would use to describe myself. I am only thankful, God in His wisdom, changed me from who I was, to who I am. A lot of who God has changed me into has a direct connection to Aud. She is the iron I sharpen myself against. I compare myself to her in ways that are healthy and a few that are not :) I am thankful for her love for me. I am thankful for her example. Thankful most that God changed me and though I don't think He is through with me...I doubt we will get to baking ;)


Memama and Hunter 1994

Mother's Day 2008

I am very sad this year for my Mother-in-law. She has to experience her first Mother's Day without her mother this year. It's a pain I know all too well. It is a wretched feeling. You live through it...but you never get over it. I only hope she can figure out that this day is for her to be celebrated sooner than I did so she can enjoy.

GRANDMOTHERS
There is something special about grandmother's.

My Granny Fran loved me with a kind of love I have never been loved with since her passing. It's a love I hope that I pass on to my grandchildren.


My Granny Fran

She loved me.

I think I am a lot like her. Though I wish I had to opportunity to know more about her to know just how much. I have so many questions. I love that in both these pictures she is looking at me. Maybe that sounds conceited, but that isn't why. It's just something that makes me think of God and how HE SEES ME. She saw me and accepted me and loved me right there.

There is a mother in my life that has brought many sorrows. She is integral to the human pain I have experienced. I love her. It is a self-less, God taught love, that is in the continual process of being learned. Not because this woman is unlovable, but because the "way" she came to be a part of my family was/is so painful in my human experience. She is the wife of my grandfather. She was known to me before my Grandmother's passing. She was in an adulterous relationship with my grandfather. I spent much of my life unnecessarily, blaming her for the loss of my grandmother. Grandma Pat.

Me, my mother, GRANDMA PAT, and Brittny 1992

She is interesting and gives us lots of stories to tell. Some we shouldn't because it's just us picking and being mean. I hope that I bring honor to the Lord in my love for Patricia. She really has been a constant for more of my life than not. I have had to learn that making memories with her in them is not a dishonor to my Granny Fran. It's still hard.

Then there is GRANDMOMMA. Grandmomma: the woman who inspires me to this day. She makes me want to be a better person. Her love for others and the Word of God is something I aspire to have.

This is the first Mother's Day in a long, long while that we won't be headed to Green Cove Springs for some catfish with Grandmomma. It makes me sad.

However, we need to make new memories. Memories my Grandchildren can have with their Memama! It's sort of a new beginning.

Grandmomma, Audrey, Me & Brittny
Mother's Day 2010 (I think)

I wrote a story about GRANDMOTHER'S GODLINESS: HERE

Looking over this post I realize I have a rich, beautiful life. This doesn't even begin to touch to other women, Aunt's, teachers, and friends who helped me grow either. Not to mention...my own children by birth and adoption!

I think I just got the WHOLE point of Mother's Day! Usually I would mock and say "this is a holiday Hallmark made up to sell cards"! Well in proofreading this post I realized why I need to celebrate Mother's Day:

the beauty of their lives, drives me to live my life beautifully!

Sabbath Tooth

2011-04-21T08:23:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a Sabbath in a sense for me.

I had just spent several weeks in a "work nightmare" along with preparing for a Passover Seder with, oh about, 70 people. I was a bit rattled.

I had had a precious conversation with a friend the day before Passover about Biblical Holidays and Sabbath. I was just lamenting about how "we" as a generation (speaking mainly about myself) had gotten away from God's best for us.

I wrote last year, wait was it really, yes...TWO years ago about the SABBATH and a book I was in love with.
Doesn't it stink how God begins something in us...and somehow we get off the path, sin or otherwise, and the SEED does not ripen to fruition... {I digress}

"What would I do for a twenty-four-hour period of time if the only criteria was to pursue my deepest joy?

book

So, yesterday I went to spend the day with my Bestest-Most-Greatest-Sister-Friend-In-The-Whole-Wide-World-Ever at a beach house they are staying at.

I awoke floating on a cloud. The previous night's Passover was an amazing time with family and friends. I relished the fact that the Lord somehow pulled it off with the help of family and friends. I was in awe of His love and that He did not allow the whole thing to flop and fail because of what a wretched sinner I am. {I digress}

I did not want to leave our home in it's present state of affairs so I got up with hubby at 5:30am and set out to surprise him when he got home. By 9:00a it shined! I hated that he had to work and I got to play at the beach; I wanted to impress upon him how important he was to me by making his castle fit for a king.

So, while I was cleaning I was thinking about the beach and the "issue" of late was regarding sharks teeth.

I have never found one.

I've looked. I've tried. I can't.

We set off for the surprise birthday party (he's turning 17--waaaaaaaaa ...enough of that ) for my son. His best-friend-for-the-longest-that-is-a-girl...which just happens to be my best friends daughter...how convenient....organized a beach-day-par-tay for him with a few friends (joys of homeschooling friends cause this was a Thursday). After picking up the guys and laughing all the way to the beach, to the point of tears I tell you, because he and his friends are HIL-AR-IOUS, we arrived. {worst paragraph but I don't care-I digress}

It was a delight to see the care they had taken to prepare a birthday celebration. I had not had any time of late to even think about planning a party so thank God for friends.

The beach was beautiful. Secluded. Peaceful.

I stayed in the house for a good chunk of the time because the sun/heat/beach generally don't agree with me.{who cares}

Then, after playing pin the tail on the unicorn, and which man-is-a-manly-man (which happened to be my besties-hubby the oldest man present ;) I am sure he was difficult to live with after that death defying stunt of manliness and the fact that he "beat" an 18 year old.) {I digress}

Kim and I walk along the beach discussing many things. Delightful things. Frustrating things. Things that matter. Just catching up. Oh! How we needed that time.

One of the things we discussed is how we have never found a shark's tooth.

Mockingly, she bends over and demonstrates someone pointing to the sand and says "hey, look there's a shark's tooth"

I look and point and say "LOOK THERE'S A SHARK'S TOOTH"...

She says: "No way, you have got to be kidding me"

We can't believe it...she takes two steps and says "LOOK THERE'S A SHARK'S TOOTH".

So, in the span of a few minutes we had BOTH found our FIRST shark's tooth.

Here is the picture.

I died laughing as I showed my husband and son this picture. It is truly a ridiculous face of pure joy. Which isn't very flattering...I give you my permission to laugh at how silly I look.

...and the teeth looked MUCH bigger when we first found them. Haha!

I am not going to lie, and it won't surprise you if you know me, I GOT A TEAR in my eye. How crazy is it that the Lord loves us so much to give us that moment together. Forever!

While writing this I erased several different story lines that tried to take shape. I could have told you about a ton of things ...being a wife, friendship of our kids, Passover, birthday's come to soon, where does the time go, not-enough-time with your closest friends, Levi's art work, back story of my shark's tooth issues....but none of those stores were the point. My husband always says of my story telling: "to make a short story long ;)" So, I tried to keep it short.

Yesterday was a rich, rich, day. I got to "practice eternity" with my friends and family.

Deepest joy, to me, is time being the best wife and mother

I can be. Time spent with family and friends. Making memories. Delighting in God and His creation. Laughing. Enjoying life.

Book: Sabbath {Ancient Practices Series} by Dan Allender

Dry Bones

2011-04-05T11:20:00.002-04:00

Scripture: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ezekiel+37&version=NIV

Lyrics: http://www.xtralyrics.com/lyrics/dry_bones.aspx

Speaking life into MY DRY BONES!

**note: just found this song which is AWESOME: Please Be My Strength by Gungor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VI0pkRBPZw

while I am at it---one I already loved BEAUTIFUL THINGS by Gungor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyPBtExE4W0&feature=related

They Asked Me To Share

2011-02-17T10:28:00.001-05:00

You may have read my last blog...this is similar...but I rewrote it to share at Grandmomma's funeral service.

Years ago my family started the tradition of taking hubby's grandmother, Grandmomma, out to a local "fish camp" for a catfish dinner on Mother's Day.

As years have gone by our party has grown to include aunts, uncles, and cousins etc.

As more years have gone by Grandmomma doesn't like to leave her house...so we bring the catfish dinner to her.

It is a lovely time on the river sharing stories and spending time as family.

However, this year, Grandmomma, seemed less herself. Frail. Almost like this "brood" was an intrusion...not that she wasn't thankful...she is much too southern for that. It is just that it seemed like a bit much. Maybe she was just tired.

Later in the day as things winded down...and many had left...she was coming to sit back down; kind of having a hard time. As she sat she smiled and said "one day when you are 86 years have gone by you'll understand..."

I looked at her, admiring this sweet woman. It was quiet. Just us. I said

"Grandmomma what is the most amazing

thing you have seen in your 86 years?"

She looked up, pondering, and said ..."well... I don't know." She thought a bit and then

"I guess it would have to be electricity after the Great Depression."

ELECTRICITY... I thought...something I completely take for granted is the most amazing thing she has seen in her 86 years.

After hearing the electricity story...I was humbled to sit in the presence of a woman I admired so much.

I asked her: "Grandmomma would you recite some scripture for me?" See...she had a gift for the scripture. She could recite entire books of scripture...

She then proceeded to quote her favorite, the entire 13th chapter of 1 Corinthians beginning:

¹Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
²And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

I wish I had time to recite the entire chapter. I wish I could recite it as beautifully and effortlessly as Grandmomma once did. I wish it flowed off my tongue with that sweet, southern softness of Joyce Compton.

¹³And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. (1 Corinthians 13, King James Version)

This weekend I found, marked in my bible, another passage Grandmomma recited to me that day. It brought tears to my eyes to read it in light of her passing. When i read the words of Jesus-making His promise to us-I now imagine Grandmomma standing there beside Him confirming it's truth...John 14

¹Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
²In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
³And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. (John 14:1-3, King James Version)

This inspires me so much, When her sight failed her, the scripture in her heart did not, Though she may not have known what day of the week it was, she knew what her Lord and Savior said.

I think if I were to ask Grandmomma today what the most amazing thing she has seen in her 87 years...she'd have a different answer.

Just as I realized how I took electricity for granted, I want to make sure to be found-not taking for granted the most amazing thing Grandmomma has ever seen and experienced: JESUS CHRIST and His Word.

Grandmother's Godliness

2011-02-11T14:25:00.000-05:00

I wrote this MOTHER'S DAY of 2010...and never finished it:
_____________________________________
Years ago my family started the tradition of taking hubby's grandmother, Grandmomma, out to a local "fish camp" for a catfish dinner.

As years have gone by our party has grown to include aunts, uncles, and cousins etc.

As more years have gone by Grandmomma doesn't like to leave her house...so we bring the catfish dinner to her.

It is a lovely time on the river sharing stories and spending time as family.

This year, Grandmomma, seemed less herself. Frail. Almost like this "brood" was an intrusion...not that she wasn't thankful...she is much too southern for that. It is just that it seemed like a bit much. Maybe she was just tired.

Later in the day as things winded down...and many had left...she was coming to sit down and she said "one day when you are 86 years have gone by you'll understand..." smiling at me.

She is the sweetest woman.

I looked at her, it was quiet. Just us. I said

"Grandmomma what is the most amazing

thing you have seen in your 86 years?"

She looked up, pondering, and said ..."well... I don't know." She thought a bit and then

"I guess it would have to be electricity after the Great Depression."

ELECTRICITY... I thought...something I completely take for granted is the most amazing thing she has seen in her 86 years.

___________________________________________________

Well, this morning...IT WAS FINISHED!

Grandmomma went to be with her Lord and Savior!

I never finished this because I had things to confirm...pictures to find...and well...look, here it is almost a year later...

The whole point of writing this story, that I never finished, was to tell the REST of the story.

Here it is:

After hearing the electricity story...I was humbled to sit in the presence of a woman I admired so much.

I asked her: "Grandmomma would you recite some scripture for me?" See...she had a gift for the scripture. She could recite entire books of scripture...

She recited this:

¹Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
²And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
³And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
⁴Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
⁵Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
⁶Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
⁷Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
⁸Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
⁹For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
¹⁰But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
¹¹When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
¹²For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
¹³And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. (1 Corinthians 13, King James Version)

She got stuck a a few words as her memory was playing tricks on her...and I grabbed the bible on her table, that my hubby and I had purchased for her because hers was worn and falling apart...and well...I found that what she memorized was King James Version....and what we bought was New King James Version...and the words didn't match up perfectly...I had to go did up her bible...it was beautiful. I thought I had someone take a picture of it--but I can't find it (one of the reasons for delay).

The other thing that struck me was the word CHARITY instead of what I was used to LOVE----and I wanted to search it out and find out why new translations changed the word. Time...won...I have not done that in depth study. Just spoke to a few...pondered it.

The last thing was this INSPIRED me! When her sight failed her...the scripture in her HEART did not! Though she may not remember what day of the week it was...she knew what her Lord said. I set out...to memorize...and well...it too in like this blog...unfinished.

As I admire the life of Joyce Compton...she spurs me on. Last night when received that heartbreaking call that she had died...it was the thought of her in the arms of Christ, healed and made whole, that gave me comfort!

I know she is now in the crowd spurring us all on!

¹ Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2, New King James Version)

Let us run the race of faith.

Search Me

2011-01-28T13:23:00.000-05:00

It's a Psalm 139 kind of day. I wrote in my journal: wreck me Lord and let the only thing that remains be acceptable to you. I fear there won't be much left.

Psalm 139

¹ O Lord, you have examined my heart
      and know everything about me.
² You know when I sit down or stand up.
      You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
³ You see me when I travel
      and when I rest at home.
      You know everything I do.
⁴ You know what I am going to say
      even before I say it, Lord.
⁵ You go before me and follow me.
      You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
      too great for me to understand! ⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit!
      I can never get away from your presence!
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there;
      if I go down to the grave, you are there.
⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning,
      if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
      and your strength will support me.
¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me
      and the light around me to become night—
    ¹² but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
   To you the night shines as bright as day.
      Darkness and light are the same to you.
¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
      and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
      as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
      Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
   Every moment was laid out
      before a single day had passed.
¹⁷ How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
      They cannot be numbered!
¹⁸ I can’t even count them;
      they outnumber the grains of sand!
   And when I wake up,
      you are still with me!
¹⁹ O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
      Get out of my life, you murderers!
²⁰ They blaspheme you;
      your enemies misuse your name.
²¹ O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
      Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
²² Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
      for your enemies are my enemies.
²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
      test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ Point out anything in me that offends you,
      and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Clear the Stage!

2011-01-11T07:59:00.000-05:00

Last post September 15...REALLY! SEPT-EM-BER?

Indicative of the last season of my life.

A season in the shadowy places of sin.

A season of things left undone. Too many things UNDONE!

A season that will end and be birthed into the BEAUTY of Spring and NEW LIFE!

Last Thursday...this made me WEEP!

Psalm 6 (New Living Translation)
For the choir director: A psalm of David, to be accompanied by an eight-stringed instrument.
¹ O Lord, don’t rebuke me in your anger
      or discipline me in your rage.
² Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak.
      Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
³ I am sick at heart.
      How long, O Lord, until you restore me? ⁴ Return, O Lord, and rescue me.
      Save me because of your unfailing love.
⁵ For the dead do not remember you.
      Who can praise you from the grave?
⁶ I am worn out from sobbing.
      All night I flood my bed with weeping,
      drenching it with my tears.
⁷ My vision is blurred by grief;
      my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.
⁸ Go away, all you who do evil,
      for the Lord has heard my weeping.
⁹ The Lord has heard my plea;
      the Lord will answer my prayer.
¹⁰ May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified.
      May they suddenly turn back in shame.

I love that scripture meets me where I am. That someone, a sinner like me, can so completely sum up how I feel.

Scripture is that healing ointment I spread over the hurting places.

We are about to the most difficult season of our life. Ever. ...and that is saying a LOT! I am expecting miracles. I am expecting tears. I am expecting to want to quit! Turn back! Run...I was contemplating escape yesterday.

...And so I ask you, if you love us, to PRAY! God knows.

Here is a song that I was talking about this week at Zero Hour, our youth program at church. It's a beautiful, tough, song. Enjoy!

Ross King "Clear the Stage"

Lyrics are in the video...but in case you aren't sure you want to take the time to watch....here's a TASTE:

"Take a break from all the plans that you made
And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper.
Beg Him please to open up his mouth and speak
And pray for real upon your knees until they blister.
Shine the light on every corner of your life
Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open.
Then read the word and put to test the things you've heard
Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken."

Profile of the Lukewarm

2010-09-15T12:35:00.000-04:00

Well, ladies and gentleman...that is the title for Chapter 4!

I am sure you aren't keeping up...but I missed Chapter 3. My life "is" a bit hectic (by my own doing) and therefore I didn't get to participate.

So Chapter 4 is about LUKEWARM. and when your life is "seemingly" too busy to fit in about 45 minutes to answer a few questions about how you feel about God...

weeeelllll {said in a high pitched voice}...lukewarm might actually apply. Ouch!

I would have never actually thought of myself as "lukewarm" but as I read more and more about what a "Christ Life" demands of us and evaluate that with what I actually do. Lukewarm...though I hate to admit it...might fit.

I must confess something to you...I write in books. I mark 'em all up. I find quotes I like and underline them. The author kicks me in the gut, I note it. I draw asterisks all over the place! If something makes me cry...you may find a tear drawn there to commemorate it.

Oddly...the pages where Chan is profiling the lukewarm and providing subsequent back up scripture to why it isn't appropriate...EMPTY!

It's actually making me chuckle as I look back to make sure I am not a liar. empty.

No mark to point out: yep! That's me! right there when he describes

Now, I know that on the scale of where I was, where I am, where I want to be: there is always forward progress. Even if it's millimeters sometimes. I know I have no less love for God. No less Awe! I am overwhelmed by His goodness and faithfulness. but why can't I give it ALL!

Questions for Discussion:

“It is not scientific doubt, not atheism, not pantheism, not agnosticism, that in our day and in this land is likely to quench the light of the gospel. It is a proud, sensuous, selfish, luxurious, church-going, hollow-hearted prosperity.”

1. The quote above puts the spotlight of lukewarmness squarely on the shoulders of the church in America. What do you see in America and in the church today that substantiates or lends supports this statement? While I am about to state some "things" I notice...this does not mean that a church that does these things is "quenching the light of the gospel". Things that make me ill, personally, when we care more about the "building" than what we should be building (which is the kingdom of God). New carpet for our feet instead of washing the feet of those in need. Money on programs that serve the body instead of being the body.

2. I would argue that if you are doing this study of “Crazy Love” your life does not exhibit all or even most of the characteristics of lukewarmness. However, if you are like me, you were able to find yourself in more of these characteristics than you would care to admit. Share honestly which of these characteristics of lukewarmness hit you squarely between the eyes and why. While I could "excuse" my way out of most of the lukewarm profiles "just enough" to placate myself. Ad nauseum! The profile I keep coming back to is "Lukewarm People are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control. This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God." Why? I guess because that is where I am. Playing it safe. Not willing to risk. and I know God wants more and I am scared-as-all-get-out to give it to Him. Which leads to my next thought...it is HE that would give me the strength to do "it" therefore I wouldn't be doing it anyway...IT'S ALWAYS HIM! Any good thing! Lord help me :)

3. What changes do you plan to make or have you already made based on this week’s chapter on lukewarmness? Digging in His Word for strength and wisdom.

Are You Ready?

2010-08-31T10:28:00.000-04:00

Chapter 2 is titled: You Might Not Finish This Chapter

If you just popped over and don't know why I am talking about chapter two you missed that I am doing virtual seminar: HERE

I loved this chapter. It was a gentle slap upside the head that I needed.

The emphasis on selfishness, stress and simply "getting over yourself" is frankly something we all need to hear.

I loved this:

"In about 50 years (give or take a couple of decades), no one will remember you. Everyone you know will be dead. Certainly no one will care what job you had, what car you drove, what school you attended, or what clothes you wore. This can be terrifying or reassuring, or maybe a mix of both." Crazy Love by Chan pg 46

So, why is that so comforting? So, reassuring?

For me it just helped me realize I do not want to live this life to be immortalized in the story of "me"! The story that matters is God's story.

So, evaluating the importance of where I fit and how I align my life up with HIStory and who I am before God is what really matters.

This weeks Questions for discussion:
1. On page 40 Francis Chan quotes Fredrick Buechner. “Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we do not really know it in the sense that the knowledge becomes a part of us. We do not really know it in the sense of living as though it were true. On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever.”

Why do you think we live as though our lives will go on forever?
This may sound strange: but I don't. I live with an ever present thought that I will be dead. As a matter of fact at the table this morning I was joking with my husband about the type of picture I wanted in my obituary. I think I decided on "Thumbs in ears, fingers raised, tongue sticking out, doing the nanny-nanny-boo-boo face" and I haven't worked out the exact wording, but I told Trent I would; but something to the effect of "I am getting to see Jesus before you...Are you ready?" and this was before reading the chapter--and I LOVED that! I'll have to work on it though... :)

I don't know if it because I have experienced parental loss, expected death, accidental death, eminent death, and faced the reality that I should have died several times. The kicker for me: facing my own potential death by stroke at age 35. Life is fleeting...

While I may understand the reality of death I do miss the necessity of living a life of greater worth. I loved that A.W.Tozer quote "A man by his sin may waste himself, which is to waste that which on earth is most like God. This is man's greatest tragedy and God's heaviest grief."

2. On page 42, Chan says the following:

“Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.”
“Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.”
“Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance.”

Worry and stress are big deal things that affect virtually EVERYONE. What would it take for you to dump worry and stress completely?
Win the Lottery! Well, I guess I'd have to actually play for that to happen. So, I'll choose death as my answer. I know a more appropriate, church answer, would be to truly trust God. However, I only have seasons of success and moments of pure faith. While I would say I truly trust God it is only moments that the worry and stress abandon. I trust God, scared and shaking in my boots, hoping it will not be for loss and what I lose will be for gain. ...and USUALLY that is the case; increasing trust...but I still worry :/ ugh!

Stop Praying.

2010-08-19T11:29:00.000-04:00

Some advice that may take to you by surprise...unless you have read the first chapter of Crazy Love by Francis Chan.

In case you missed it...

I am participating in a "Virtual Seminar: Crazy Love"

I have decided to respond here and then copy my link to the seminar's blog as my responses tend to be long...surprise!

Just an aside...I am LOVING this study. and it is not too late to jump in!
Go here and jump in: http://crazylove2010.wordpress.com/

I love that video in incorporated into the study. This one was pretty powerful!

Just. Stop. and. Think! http://crazylovebook.com/videos_stop.html

___________________________________________________

Questions for Discussion

1. Francis Chan says on page 21:
"I hope it (this book) affirms your desire for 'more God' even if you are surrounded by people who feel they have 'enough God'." What does it look like, in your opinion, to have
'enough God'?

Comfortable. I know these people because I am this way at times. They hear of tragedies and aren't moved. Maybe sad...disappointed...think it's awful; but don't move. They don't serve, unless it's themselves. They have enough blessing; enough answered prayer to tickle their fancy and make them feel holy. However, deep down they aren't holy. They think they have "enough God" but if something were to truly rock them their foundation would be sinking sand. They have enough answers to explain small stuff; enough faith to seem faithful...and their "enough" will leave them wanting "more than enough" sooner or later.

2. Chan quotes R.C. Sproul on page 26. "Men are never duly touched and impressed with a conviction of their insignificance, until they have contrasted themselves with the majesty of God." This is where a review of the first 10 or so verses of Isaiah chapter 6 becomes helpful. Where do you most often see the majesty of God displayed? Describe it.

My first thought was a sunrise or sunset as God has so beautifully shown Himself to me in those moments. However, my answer is CHILD BIRTH. Experiencing the miracle of child birth twice made me feel so connected to God. A piece of His miracle. I am often at birth's serving women in labor and it is amazing. To be so near but absolutely useless except to be in awe of God. You can comfort but the miracle is God's alone. Worthy of praise, worthy of awe as a mother labors...and then the child fearfully and wonderfully made, fully known and touched by God, enters the world alive, for as long as God has ordered: moments or years, or born only in hearts; but leave an impact that is awe inspiring as it can only be God. When you experience a love like that the majesty and awe of God is so evident.

3. Which of the attributes of God that Francis Chan listed in Chapter 1 resonates most deeply in your heart? Why?

God is Holy. I think it resonates with me most because it is an attribute I long for in my life. I desire to be holy as Christ is holy. It also is just something that gives me peace to know God is Holy.

4. From the Week 1 video - Chan says that sometimes we become so familiar with someone they become common to us. Do you still have a sense of awe for God? If yes, how does that affect you? How do you express that sense of awe?

I do have a sense of awe for God? but like Chan puts it sometimes you "forget". The awe comes in the moments where He surprises me with His glory. I love that He chooses to do that for me (and you). When I am going along about my business and God surprises me with how GOOD HE IS! Sometimes it is as silly as a font row parking place when it's raining. Sometimes it's words that only He knew I needed to hear. Sometimes it's awareness of beauty in the something that is awful. My favorite is a moment, unaware, where He just let's me know He's there. Sometimes it's a miracle that can only be God! and that usually bring tears...followed by a deep feel of unworthiness...followed by gratitude that He counts me worthy because of Christ...followed by more faith, more hope, more love, waiting in expectation for the next Awe-filled moment!
________________________________________

Believe it or not...these were my short answers :)

If you aren't participating in the study still feel free to chime in on anything you would like to add.

Crazy Love!

2010-08-18T10:20:00.000-04:00

I have heard about it...

I have had a desire to read it...

For months...

Now a great friend of mine, Jim, is doing a "Virtual Seminar" and invited me to join.

Woo Hoo!

If you want in we are starting today. The BLOG is HERE: http://crazylove2010.wordpress.com/

You have assignments that you have one week to finish. This will include reading, watching videos, and the responding to questions via the blog.

I am excited if you can't tell!

Join us if you like!

Stoke Our Hope!

2010-07-22T13:00:00.001-04:00

Yesterday during our ifast call I  prayed about GREY! I begged God to stoke our hope!

Do not see “Grey” as a shade descending into black, but as a color that’s on it’s way to becoming light.

As we battle in the throne room we face harsh realities like LITTLE VIRGINS BEING RAPED! That there are those in authority over them that PLOT for this to happen!

if you follow the link you'll see:

Last, and most importantly, you need a good supply of virgins. For that you have an arrangement with the local boarding school for girls. Potential customers browse through your photo book of potential child sex victims. Once they make their choice, you bring the girls
to your brothel to be raped for profit.

Sadly, this true story is unfolding right now in India.

and then an update-go read-let it OPEN your eyes!

What would YOU sell to save your daughter?

Instead of letting anxiety or doubt paint the darkest possible conclusion to our problems, we need to stoke our hope, to let it advance against the shadows until darkness recedes.

BE HOPE! Be the RESCUE!

HOPE of ISRAEL
MIQWEH YISRAEL

The NAME:
Hope is the great stabilizer. It steadies us in times of fear and difficulty, not because we know that everything will turn out as we want, but because we know that God is trustworthy.  Hope is what helps us stay on course regardless of circumstances. Biblical hope finds its roots in God and in his goodness, mercy and power.  We exercise our hope when we endure patiently.  We nurture our hope when we read God’s word.  Though we hope for earthly blessings, our greatest hope is aimed at the life to come, when God will not only wipe away our tears but invite us to share his joy forever.  When you pray to Miqweh Yisrael, the Hope of Israel, you are praying to the One who saves all those who trust in him.  

Do not see “Grey” as a shade descending into black, but as a color that’s on it’s way to becoming light. 

Instead of letting anxiety or doubt paint the darkest possible conclusion to our problems, we need to stoke our hope, to let it advance against the shadows until darkness recedes. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. 
Jeremiah 29:11

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Praying the Names of God By Ann Spangler  (taken from pp267-272)

Other people who are talking about this:

Brandi

Parading Around

Lindsey

A COACH purse for $20? WHAT!!

The Price of Virginity

Amy-

If you could RESCUE, would you?

YOU! spread the word!

BE THE RESCUE!

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

PRAISE GOD!!!

http://www.brandilea.com/2010/07/treasure-hunting.html

PRAY

2010-07-19T13:17:00.000-04:00

I talked about it a LONG time ago: HERE

well TODAY! Please PRAY!

http://heartgrownfamily.blogspot.com/2010/07/pray.html

Monday, July 19, 2010

PRAY!

I know we have been silent for such a LONG time. That does not mean we have given up or not been working on getting our kids home. I have prayed many days about posting on here and every time I hear God whispering, "wait". I don't know why, but I do know that I have been learning to listen when God speaks, even in a quiet whisper.

Well today, I got a strong feeling that my silence is over. We need your prayers! We just found out that our MP (member of Parliament - federal government representative) is meeting via conference call with the Minister of Immigration @ approx. 2PM TODAY. He is advocating on ours and our kids' behalf to the minister. We are praying for a miracle to happen today. We are praying the minister's heart is SOFTENED, TOUCHED and SPURRED into action for our kids and for all the kids who are stuck, not just in Uganda, but around the world, from coming home to their forever families! This is the man who has the power to end this. This is the man who can get our kids' visas issued. This is the man God can use to bring our kids home in His perfect plan. Please join us in praying! Blessings,

Fighting in Canada,
Teach

Pure Religion

2010-07-16T08:38:00.001-04:00

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

James 1:27

Yesterday, Bryan Turner, a pastor and missionary passed.

He was not someone I was close to. However, he was close with many people I love! He was my brother.

We now have the GIFT to care for his wife!

One of my best-friends, wrote several blogs and I got her permission to share them with you. (well, really I only got permission to share one-but she won't mind)

The BEST is an emotional one: On Grief

I am re-posting as I know we are too busy to follow links to good stuff sometimes.

Grief makes you feel stretched thin. It makes your heart heavy. In its thickest fog, it is blinding. You cannot pull over and wait for it to lift. Your life goes on. The world feels like fiction, like walking around a movie set. Nothing seems real. Time sits still.

Then it fades. You get caught up in something else, and you have an instant when your loss is not on your mind. It is like playing in the ocean as a child. You get caught up in the moment with your friends, and you completely forget that waves are lapping at your back.

That's when it happens. An enormous wave overcomes you, out of nowhere. You find yourself coughing, sputtering, and gasping for air. Your eyes are burning. You can't breathe. You weren't expecting it at all.

I remember a specific moment like this after we lost our son. I had been to the grocery store a week or so after losing him. I was driving home. Ephraim was chattering away in the backseat. The thought then occurred to me that my second little boy would never be sitting back there with him. I wept. Chris Tomlin's "Amazing Grace" came on the radio. "...my God, my Savior, has ransomed me..." I wept. My shoulders shook. My lungs heaved with breath. I was overwhelmed. I was not prepared. One cannot be.

This has been a hard day. My husband had to say goodbye to a friend. My heart is just shattered for his family. Fortunately, I also know what this family is all about... or who. The Turner family loves Jesus. Bryan lived his life in passionate pursuit of our God. His family did and will continue to do the same.

Our God will envelope his wife, lift her head, sustain her, give her unnatural peace and irrational hope. Our God will hold her close when the unexpected waves crash over her. Our God will be her husband, her love, and her comfort. Our God is her all in all. Our God will cover her boys in His fatherly love. Our God will be glorified through Bryan's death, as he was in every moment of Bryan's life. Our God will be lifted high.

I know that God's glory was Bryan's highest purpose. I know his family will find comfort in glorifying God because it is what Bryan would want them to do. I know that his wife and children will be strengthened, comforted, and brought close to the Father. I know that God draws near to the brokenhearted. I know He is in their midst.

I know that grief is hard.

I know that we can help.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I am going to beg again for financial help for the Turners. I'll warn you in advance that this won't be the last time.

Imagine yourself in this situation. You are a mother with 2 young sons. Your family's primary breadwinner has been taken from you, and it was completely unexpected. You are devastated. And on top of the crushing emotional grief, the reality of finances weighs heavy. Please join with me to lift this part of the burden from her shoulders. She has enough to carry.

This is pure religion.

Please donate to the Bryan Turner Family Fund at Community First Credit Union. If you cannot make it to the bank, you can mail your gifts to Community First Credit Union, Post Office Box 2600, Jax, FL 32232. The check must be made payable to the Bryan Turner Family Fund.

(I will be brainstorming some creative fundraising ideas in the coming weeks. Tell me your ideas, and join with me.)

Then there is: Rubber Meets Road

Those of you who've known me awhile know that I don't mind asking for money when it's for a good cause. I've got a good cause for you.

Bryan Turner.

He is his family's primary breadwinner. Momma friends, I know it is really difficult to even imagine the financially dire situation most of us would be in if our husbands were hospitalized and unable to work. Well, this isn't imagination. This is real life. Please help take the financial concerns off Joy's plate. She should not even have to give this aspect of her life a second thought.

Acts 2:44-45 - "All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need."

Acts 4:32-37 - "All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need.
Joseph, a Levite from Cyprus, whom the apostles called Barnabas (which means Son of Encouragement), sold a field he owned and brought the money and put it at the apostles' feet."

This is the body. This is our job.

There is an account set up at Community First Credit Union, The Bryan Turner Family Fund. Please give. Make a sacrifice and help this Momma.

John 13:35 - "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Love is a verb.

So let's not just PRAY for Bryan, let's PAY for Bryan. And may God receive all the glory for His people doing what He's called us to do, bear each other's burdens.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Love Rescued Me

2010-07-15T08:30:00.000-04:00

My friend Erin went to Ethiopia. She is going again. I think you'll see why...

Watch this:

WOW!

Visit her here: http://the5moores.blogspot.com/
Ethiopia Trip Blog: http://lobstersintherough.wordpress.com/

Grace

2010-07-14T11:46:00.000-04:00

I am grappling with many things in my Spirit...

Orphan Care
Water Crisis
Life & Death
Sex Trade
RESCUE!

and why God's people (self included) don't care more!

Why we don't cry louder.

...I sometimes feel like I MUST post something...or you 2 readers will forget about me.

And with so much HURTING in my heart, and not knowing HOW to put that hurt into words...how do I share it with you.

...I found out by "coincidence" {insert eye roll here-don't believe in those} that one of my favorite artists will be in my town for FREE tonight! Thank you Jesus!

I was looking for a song to share with you...and it found me (by coincidence meeting both needs)

GRACE!!!

I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that’s louder than mine
I need hope I need You
Cause I can’t do this alone

Lyrics to Grace by Phil Wickham :
The sky is grey and the light is far
The sea is a rage within my heart
I turn my sight to the crashing waves
I cry in the night just to be saved

I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that’s louder than mine
I need hope I need You
Cause I can’t do this alone

Grace I call Your name
Oh won’t Your smile fall over me
I’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
Oh sweet grace rain down on me I need You grace

I pray for dawn a new day to live
I pray for mercy only Jesus gives
Though darkness falls and a million cry
I believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us

Come down and save me
[ Grace Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Still Here?

2010-07-07T10:55:00.000-04:00

Still here...

Living in this:

Frustrated because my "stuff" is here:

Yes, that is my couch in the garage!

My "everything" else is in the guest bedrooms!

Wanting things back to normal. Pressing in to Jesus because my heart if for this:

So, as I sit here. Praying, fasting, and desiring God to meet the needs of organizations that serve the poor and oppressed.

I want to ask for God to meet my needs, but then I realize ARE YOU KIDDING ME-look at your life! Not that God is saying that---because I KNOW HE WILL meet my needs! But I must gain perspective and realize all the blessings I have...in the chaos!

These are just a FEW!

Well, those that know me know-scripture covers my walls. With the fans and flood, most are down. Have any new scripture you'd like to suggest?

We temporarily interrupt this program

2010-06-24T13:15:00.000-04:00

So I promised my next few posts would be about my trip to the panhandle.

Well, little did I know that this would happen:

No those aren't SHINY floors, freshly waxed!

Those are WET, FLOODED floors under inches of water!

If you click on it you can see it better!

Good thing I already had this up as a REMINDER:

In situations like this. We need perspective and I choose to think about the fact that:

Here is a trailer that helps with perspective:

http://www.charitywater.org/september/trailer.html

and that my life will SOON be back in order. Where many others lives won't.

So, needless to say I am not sure when I will be posting again because, oh yeah I forgot to mention I AM GOING OUT OF TOWN for a week to CIY:MOVE!

Can't wait! ...but hate to leave hubby to this madness!

But God's timing is perfect!

...and HE knows TP and I don't handle crisis in the same way

...and maybe it is better that I am 9 hours away because homeowner's insurance doesn't cover

marriage counseling ;)

What Love is This? Mission 2

2010-06-18T17:26:00.000-04:00

Mission 1: HERE

Well, Mission 2 was this:

Visit a couple that is moving away for seminary. Plus I never got to see the sights in the big city where she lives now! So, she is going to show me the town. This is sarcasm by the way...it would be funny if you knew where I was going. A few readers will.

You may remember this story about their wedding... HERE and if not, feel free to catch up. Just some back story.

So, Lauren had lived in the big city of Graceville for many years now and I never gone to visit her (shame on me). Well, she and her magnificent hubby are moving to Texas! So, I figured I better get a move on and see them before they moved out :)

I just wanted to "take in" their life. A deep, deep breath of LIFE! It was refreshing indeed!

If you knew me personally you might get this about me. I am happy just "doing life" right along side of you. I need not be entertained. Though this couple did just that allowing me to delight in their life.

I think a Photo Blog is in order as there aren't a lot of words just images so I will never forget :)

Where the living is EASY? I need to move there!

Lauren and me

Super cool place called
Heritage Village

This is Hunter's heritage-jumping off of things :)

My attempt at "art"

Had to get a pic of this sign...then this happened

Hilarious!

Well it took about 10 minute to see ALL of Graceville so we moved on to:

Found a TOTALLY cool headband in the back of Richards car

They took us here for lunch

Richard said the burgers "would change our life"

WOW!

A 16yr old boy not finishing all his food--that's a CHANGE!

He is covering it because he was so ashamed :)

Lauren & Richard

We shopped and toured and did a whole lotta nothing!

This was the weirdest thing we found:

a pig nose-EWW! It was in a pet shop...double ewww!

This was the best thing we saw all day! This is the daughter of Lauren's best friend, Kristy

We went home and ended the day with something I haven't done since

"I don't know when"

talk about refreshing!

(well I don't have to do it everyday)

Hanging clothes on the line!

Lauren made us a fresh pie for after dinner!

I'd have posted the picture of me licking the plate...but it wasn't flattering!

The next night she showed me this:

We laughed after because her shirt says it all and copies her face!

We played the game Apple to Apples! If you have never played-it is GREAT!

One of our favorites-thanks to Lauren & Richard who bought it for us for Christmas!

I always like to look at the cards people win and see if they compare to the people-pretty funny!

Massive, Rambunctious, Dynamic, Jittery, Nauseating, Efficient, Isolated, Protective, Taboo, Wee, Brash

Hmmm...a few of those are right :)

True! All of them!

Macho, Serene, Grotesque, Uncomfortable, Heroic, Hysterical, Fair

ok! Only 1 do I rule out...all the others fit!

Yep!

Loyal, Expendable, Flimsy, Wasteful, Gooey, Bizarre!

ok maybe not expendable...

Lauren was the official winner-but when we kept playing H pulled it out!

Oh yeah!

and a courtesy shot of the cuteness:

and this is their baby: Bronx

He wanted to leave with us when we were loading the car :)

I thoroughly enjoyed doing life with this couple! Texas is far-but I am coming!

My trip wouldn't be complete without one thing:

I asked Lauren to share with me her favorite Psalm

Her college verse:

Psalm 105:4

Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually.

Present day:

Psalm 145 specifically "The Lord is gracious and merciful; Slow to anger and great in lovingkindness. The Lord is good to all, and His mercies are over all His works."

What Love is This? Mission 1

2010-06-16T10:15:00.000-04:00

It was a thought...

"I should go see her."

"Naw..."

"NO really! I SHOULD go see her..."

And the THREE "HERS" aligned and hubby gave me permission and I was off on a mission to see 3 ladies I love. All for different reasons.

I shared a song last post: HERE

This is redemption, this salvation
This is our mission, and this is our passion

Each new post I'll share a different mission.

This is Mission 1: Visit a dying friend.

(Remember I said we are ALL dying; 100% chance) It is just perspective.

This picture is from 2005.

John, my son Hunter (head shaved to honor their grandson), Frances, and my daughter Brit.

Frances is a woman that is the mother of a dear friend. Frances and I became close as her grandson was brought into my life. Soon he was going through great medical difficulty. Brain surgery in fact.

Their grandson introduced himself to me a "Bridgekeeper"; so that's what I called him. Here is a post I wrote about him sometime ago (the date on the blog is not accurate because it was transferred) HERE

Here is a picture I stole, of a picture on their wall, behold the Bridgekeeper!

So, Frances became like family. She made Brit a blanket. Made Hunter a pillow. She always sent me a birthday card. When I moved away to another state, she would check on me. Like a mom...

Well, years come and go at such a rapid pace and time steals precious "shoulda woulda time" and next thing you know someone you love has a serious illness and you have a choice: Keep moving at the ridiculous pace.. or tell the carnie to stop the ride cause you want to get off and spend time with some people before you have no time left.

So, I finally drove to visit her and her husband. Who cares that our car's air conditioning works only when it wants to. Sacrifice and they are worth it!

She looked frail; but healthier than I thought she would.

We laughed. Shared stories. Cried. So, much of that day I never want to forget. Much is private.

Heartbreaking stories that aren't mine to share, but I am grateful for the lessons!

God is faithful in life & death!

I loved seeing her "home" and the "things" in it. Saying "I like that little box" and then she would say "oh ________ gave that to me" ...that is a lovely cabinet... oh my sister... and the stories of things go on and on.

Much I will forget...

One thing I knew I would never forget is scripture!

I asked her to share her favorite Psalm with me.

Psalm 46

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
         A very present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear,
         Even though the earth be removed,
         And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
³ Though its waters roar and be troubled,
         Though the mountains shake with its swelling.  Selah

⁴ There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God,
         The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.
⁵ God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved;
         God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.
⁶ The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved;
         He uttered His voice, the earth melted.

⁷ The LORD of hosts is with us;
         The God of Jacob is our refuge.  Selah

Read Psalm 46 in it's entirety: HERE

Her life is beautiful. Her family is beautiful! The fact that she took time to share it with me BEAUTIFUL!

1 Peter 1
²³ For you have been born again, but not to a life that will quickly end. Your new life will last forever because it comes from the eternal, living word of God. ²⁴ As the Scriptures say,
   “People are like grass;
      their beauty is like a flower in the field.
   The grass withers and the flower fades.
    ²⁵ But the word of the Lord remains forever.”
   And that word is the Good News that was preached to you.

I love my friend! I am thankful God gave me time to share life this side of heaven with her! I am thankful that we have LIFE eternal thank to Jesus Christ!

What Love is This?

2010-06-14T10:12:00.000-04:00

We left for our panhandle road trip:

Just me, my son, a packed car (you would have thought we were leaving for a month), and a can of M*nster

Well, we're back.

Safe & sound!

Praising God for a beautiful, spectacular trip!

I have about a billion pictures (but I'll spare you-for now)

I wanted to share a song with you.

Music means a lot. It marks places and times.

I will never forget:

Riding down I-10,

Windows down,

Music blaring,

Praising God with my son,

and both of us singing at the top of our lungs a favorite from a few years ago.

This is redemption, this salvation
This is our mission, and this is our passion

Sort, of sums up our trip. My next few posts will share the details from our trip. Visiting people, sharing our mission, expressing our passion, soaking up all life has for us. Hearing life stories, sharing life experiences, living life with "others"!

Enjoy the song...until next time!

Band: Dizmas
Song: Redemption, Passion, Glory
Lyrics from: HERE

This is redemption,
that you would die for me
And this is salvation,
that you would live in me
That you would live in me
This is redemption, this salvation
This is our mission, and this is our passion

What love is this
That you would die for me?
(Let's start this over)
What love is this?

This is redemption,
that you would die for me
And this is salvation,
that you would live in me
That you would live in me
This is rejection,
that they would all hate me
And this is submission
that I would live holy
That I would live holy

What love is this
That you would die for me?
(Let's start this over)
Let's start this over and we'll see
Just where this love will take us
Your presence shows us grace
Right here in our own meditation
What love is this?

Creation finds your mercy
Redemption, passion, glory
Creation finds submission
Redemption, passion, glory

I'm Off

2010-06-08T07:26:00.000-04:00

I know it may seem like I have been off for sometime...

whether you know me personally, so you now I am a bit off.

or you are a follower of my blog and know...it has been longer and longer between posts.

If my heart could write there would be VOLUMES!

Nothing exceptionally hard, trying, excellent or likewise is going on. Honestly, I've just been BUSY!

So, today I'M OFF!

I am packed and headed to do some "Visiting!" Old fashioned, goin' vis'it'in!

I do not have one of those fancy things, I think you can 'em lap tops...so who knows if, when, where... I may be able to write again. Or check email. Or read your blogs...

I'm off to:

Spend time with my boy!

Travel! Not far...but it is still different than where I am.

Visit a dying friend. (We all are dying by the way) I do not say this lightly and have thought about erasing it, but didn't. I thought about it. Prayed about it. and then decided SHOCK factor was what I was going for. Who do you know that you need to go see? We all are dying! 100% chance!

Visit a couple that is moving away for seminary. Plus I never got to see the sights in the big city where she lives now! So she is going to show me the town. This is sarcasm by the way...it would be funny if you know where I was going. A few readers will.

Visit a bloggy friend (hopefully Friends) ! (I hope to meet you someday too) I am SO excited! Someone said, you might even know her better than some of the people in your life right now...SO True!

So, I'm off! (we're off...as these pictures clearly demonstrate)

Beloved

2010-06-03T12:41:00.000-04:00

Just the other day my husband and I celebrated 16 years of marriage.

18 years together.

An honor for sure!

We have made it through some tough times, and I do not say that lightly.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is how it is like our relationship to Christ.

just a few:

TP loves me with a sacrificial love.

He has taken the blame for things I have done wrong in the marriage and taken that sin on as his own.

He is a leader.

He is a fierce lover.

He is my beloved, and I am his.

Someone recently asked...how do you keep the spark?

I can give no answer but:

My Beloved

To see a photo album of our date: CLICK HERE

HE Speaks To ME

2010-05-19T07:42:00.000-04:00

Psalm 41 came to my mind...

I thought "I hate when a scripture comes to mind and you look it up and it says woe to you...death cometh...so and so begat..."

But I looked it up anyway...and couldn't believe my eyes...I immediately began reading it aloud to hubby:

Psalm 41
¹ Oh, the joys of those who are kind to the poor!
      The Lord rescues them in times of trouble.
² The Lord protects them
      and keeps them alive.
   He gives them prosperity
      and rescues them from their enemies.
³ The Lord nurses them when they are sick
      and eases their pain and discomfort.

Though hubby was driving he looked at me and said the classic question: "are you crying?"

me: "Yep!"

Hubby: "Sissy"

I was crying because GOD LOVES ME! He loves me enough to whisper His words, He gives me comfort, He knows I am scared and He gives me HIS WORD!

May is National Stroke Awareness month. As a stroke survivor everyday is "stroke awareness" day. Period.

On days where there are consults...appointments for more tests...

I am GRATEFUL that the LORD gave me His very Spirit so that I can KNOW how much HE LOVES & cares for me (and you).

written yesterday in my journal 5-18-2010

Former Stroke posts:

National Stroke Awareness Month

The HEART of It

Everything

2010-05-13T12:16:00.001-04:00

One of my best friends just shared this on facebook and it wrecked me.

Beautiful! The song is amazing, the drama is POWERFUL! ...especially the end (Well, it is a bit cheesy when the Lord dances with the girl, but it still makes me smile).

Thanking God HE is EVERYTHING! and has defeated everything that tries to take my life!

Enjoy!

Lifehouse
Everything lyrics

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Sex sells...you just won't find me buying

2010-05-06T10:48:00.002-04:00

Craigslist was introduced to me years ago.

I have purchased a mini-trampoline, an ice machine, two baby cribs, a dog (from a very sketchy character), a crate for said dog, and sold a video game system (to someone, who coincidentally was a former neighbor of all things) ...but I did not know you could BUY & SELL Sex until this week.

Maybe I live in a bubble or something ...under a rock in somewhere, Florida. I don't know.

Thankfully I have people SHOUTING to me living under said ROCK telling me come out! and fight! There is a war going on people. ...and it isn't about Craigslist.

¹¹ Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. ¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
(Ephesians 6:11-13, New King James Version)

I am now Boycotting. WHAT?!? Ugh! I know! Very inconvenient since my husband really wants to buy P90X and the first place we would look would be Craigs List. In fact he already did so right in front of me knowing I was boycotting. Nice!

Will me BOYCOTTING make a difference? Will it CHANGE the world? Maybe not THE world but MY world. So, if you see #BoycottCraigslist in my posts this POST explains the reason (a little).

Wednesday is my ifast58 day. I spend my day fasting & praying; battling in prayer for the hungry, the orphan & widow, the oppressed. Fighting for justice on my knees.

Yesterday was spent on those involved in the sex-trade. Specifically, yesterday CRAIGSLIST (CL).

So, if you have never heard about it let's start here:

Mostly I share this "first" because you "recognize" the Today Show:

WARNING: Graphic images of women (no nudity-but nearly)

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

My husband was very ~~concerned~~ annoyed about my boycott and wanted me to check out CL and see if that is really going on.

So, I logged on...clicked on the "Adult" section under Services...

Unless all of the following points are true, please use your "back" button to exit this part of craigslist:
I am at least 18 years old. (yeah right--thinking of my 16 year old son and countless others)
I understand "adult services" may include adult content.(Understatement!)
I understand that my use of craigslist is governed by the Terms of Use.
I agree to report suspected exploitation of minors and/or human trafficking to the appropriate authorities.(this must be them doing their part...effective...probably not)
By clicking on the links below, I release craigslist from any liability that may arise from my use of this site.

I will tell you what I saw broke my heart! I didn't "see" any children. Who knows though. I know it goes on. I wept. I prayed. My son (who wasn't around while I was exploring) wanted to know if I was okay. I wasn't but I couldn't explain to him why.

Today, I am still shaken. Thinking about those woman (and girls, boys, and men) that are giving themselves away by choice (some by force) are LOVED by God! are LOVED by me.

If CL shuts down their adult services section (which is ultimately what I have to fight for!) they will find another way to peddle their wares. There will always be prostitution.

Then...
I read a blog about "Why Christians Shouldn't Boycott Craigslist"

In the comments section--it gets REAL good. By good I mean-each side has valid points! and it's GOOD!

I repeated the sentiment yesterday in my response to Anne's post:

Like Brandi said I would not stay in a hotel that got 1/3 of their income from prostitution…would Jesus be there…most likely…but not me. Does that mean I am not a respectable believer? Tough question…

Anne, wrote to me in her comments section; she wanted to know "articles" that explain the "facts" of some of the claims about finances and children for sale. I posted. I will put the links below for you to explore if you desire. I explained that I went on CL and looked at the adds...and prayed over the women giving themselves away. She agreed that PRAYER was the right action.

Today, Tom Davis (you have heard me speak of him before if you have been following for anytime-he wrote Red Letters: Living a Faith the Bleeds which is the book Hunter read that he started Heart 4 Homeless Ministry), wrote this post: Praying for the Victims of Sex Trafficking it sums it up.

We need to PRAY!!!

TODAY is the NATIONAL DAY OF PRAYER! Join my in praying that CraigsList would be forced to take down their Adult Services Section to eliminate illegal prostitution and child-sex-trafficking.

My good friend, Melanie said yesterday:

What if other patrons raped little girls one aisle over while I shopped & the store owners didn’t do anything about it...

Anne, said:

Kids also get sold at hotels, gas stations, truck stops, and cafes. Should we also boycott these places?

Geesh!...but link the two together...Melanie & Anne's comments---IF I KNEW! Yes! ...and so I KNOW! So, I am Boycotting.

It's great because in my house we have me, boycotting.

and my hubby who thinks boycotting is utterly ridiculous. (and he makes VERY good points)

Our attempt at looking like we are fighting :)

It makes for great debate. Hubby loves it! He hasn't had time to look at all these links and ultimately I don't care if I win him (or you) over because THAT is NOT the point.

¹⁰ If you extend your soul to the hungry
      And satisfy the afflicted soul,
      Then your light shall dawn in the darkness,
      And your darkness shall be as the noonday.
       (Isaiah 58:10, New King James Version)

So, I know my time is not wasted. My light will shine as bright as the noonday sun! I will fight! and shout! and most importantly PRAY! and the "least important" thing I will do is not use the service of an organization that facilitates illegal prostitution and child-sex-trade.

____UPDATE___

A friend on FaceBook just sent me a link to this video. While it does not specifically refer to CL it is about child exploitation in AMERICA!

Watch! http://www.playgroundproject.com/index.pg?loband=true

Back to our previously scheduled post
______________________________________________

Articles:
About the sale of a child:
Letter to CL about a 12yr old girl who was sold
Child Sex Trafficking Growing in US and mentions CL

About profiting from sex adds:
NY Times
More from NY TImes
1/3 of Revenue from Sex Ads
Human Rights Advocates decline donation from CL

A PETITION to sign:
Make a Change in Adult Services Section

What Craigslist says about it:
http://blog.craigslist.org/2010/04/sad-state-of-affairs-at-the-new-york-times/

http://blog.craigslist.org/2010/04/misdirected-outrage/

Bloggers:
Vince:
http://vincegiordano.blogspot.com/2010/05/im-outraged.html

http://vincegiordano.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-hate-boycottswill-you-join-me.html

Sarah:

http://threetimeslife.blogspot.com/2010/05/scream-for-innocent.html

Brandi:

http://www.brandilea.com/2010/05/craiglists-blog-craziness.html

Tom:

http://tomdavis.typepad.com/tom_daviss_blog/2010/05/shutting-down-americas-online-sex-cafe.html

http://tomdavis.typepad.com/tom_daviss_blog/2010/05/craigslist-supports-sex-trafficking.html

(also shared earlier in post)
http://tomdavis.typepad.com/tom_daviss_blog/2010/05/praying-for-the-victims-of-sex-trafficking.html

Anne: (also shared earlier in post)

http://flowerdust.net/2010/05/05/why-christians-shouldnt-boycott-craigslist/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+flowerdust%2FaILX+%28FlowerDust.net%29

True Love

2010-05-02T16:22:00.000-04:00

I have found myself in many conversations lately about DATING. (dun.dun.dun)

Our family does not allow dating in the traditional sense. We want what we believe is best for our children. That is God's best.

We believe that God will bring the spouses of our children into their lives. They don't have to search. Try before you buy. Experiment with different brands.

They have to trust God and seek Him diligently. If my son decides to seek after "Insert Girl Name Here" he will surely hit his mark. However, he needs to more diligently seek after God and trust HIM to bring the young lady into his life and show him that she is his bride. She is on this planet as we speak. I have prayed for her for years.

I feel strongly about this and recognize others may not have the same views as me. Believe me, they let me know ;)

However-no matter how you feel I think this is on my:

EVERY PARENT (or person that works with teenagers) MUST READ LIST:

AND DON'T wait until your kid is 13 to read--have preschoolers--great read this! WHY? Glad you asked...because you are always shaping who they are to be and if you wait until they are teens to deal with teenager stuff it's too late.

I have loved the Ludy's for years and many of their books shaped my young ladies into Set-Apart Young Women.

We are raising a son and there is not near as many books out there for young men as women and that is a shame. However, the Ludy's do not let me down. I did let them know I needed more guy books though!

On a slightly different note...but same theme:

I have watched this video about 5 times and each time I cry. Mostly it is FUNNY and silly. However, it touches me because it IS real life! My husband and son are amazed EACH time because they don't "GET" why I cry. Besides the fact that I am a sap...and a woman...

Love Stories are REAL STORIES and they are usually filled with more difficulty than can fit into a love song.

I wanted all my teen friends to see it so they could have a more-real Love Story to look forward to.

Man it makes me laugh when I think of what I thought marraige would be like. When I got married I was young. I had 2 kids and I thought life was supposed to be like "The Cosby Show". Needless to say it wasn't. Two years into our marraige I could see the end very close in sight. I was plotting my escape. PRAISE GOD He had a better plan! Praise God HE saved my marraige! Praise God I can teach my kids what TRUE LOVE looks like and it is a lot more like SACRIFICE than Cosby Show.

I love to sit and talk to my girls about their marriages and listen to "real life" stories of how they make it work. My favorite thing to ask when the girls are together is "tell me about you latest fight". Sick? No! Just REAL! If they tell me "we haven't fought" they are lying :) They don't; they tell me the real deal and it is usually funny and we laugh because we know we are all IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL! Good, bad, and UGLY!

Marriage is HARD. but worth it!

A new friend through ifast58 recently posted this on facebook:

Have you received difficult people/ trying relationships/ the authorities whom God has placed in your life as an instrument of blessing?

and that is often what marraige and parenting are for me: BLESSING
because they are difficult, trying, and of God :)

Hope this video makes you laugh, and maybe get a tear...mostly because it's a more-real LOVE STORY!

Restoration

2010-04-28T09:23:00.000-04:00

You've clicked over to see what I have to say. Maybe you just have a second.

Do you need to stop? Stop for a moment and consider the RESTORATION you have or need.

I needed to stop this morning. This is a day for the orphan, the widow, the least, the sexually exploited...and sometimes to feel worthy of that honor, I have to realize what God has TAKEN from me and then reflect what He has GIVEN! All things new!

This is a 10 minute "experience", if you haven't taken time today to spend with the Lord, do it now! If you already have had time with the Lord have some more. You won't be disappointed!

For the ifast58 prayer request: HERE

The Man He Wants To Be

2010-04-26T10:44:00.026-04:00

My son just turned 16.

He is an amazing young man, but he is not at all who he wants to be.

So, as with anything we set goals. These are the words he has chosen to describe himself when he is a man. We have placed these words around our dining room and in his bedroom so he can be reminded of who he wants to be so he can begin being that NOW!

I am also praying these words over him and I invite you to do the same.

Listener

Truthful

Trustworthy

Mature

Funny

Wise

Nice

Honest

Manly

Honorable

Respectful

Admirable

Thinker

Considerate

16 Candles

2010-04-21T08:00:00.048-04:00

Man how the time flies, journey with me on a mini-photo tour of my boys 16 years...

I barely remember this...but I know I loved him!

He grew into this guy at 4

Shooting his dad's gun 2000

at Memama's

In the Czech Republic 2004

Then he did this...

Just a trick before he cut it all off...

but it was really this... He shaved his head because a friend was having brain surgery

Oh! That wasn't enough--he went the whole way!!

Bic Baby!

With his best friend Kev eating wings in South Carolina

2005
It was a DARE and let me say he pulled it off!

To cool for school! 2006

at Disney
2008

2009 The day he got his driving permit

In 2009 he was led to start a mission

Modeling the kits his youth ministry makes to hand out to homeless

Happy Sweet 16!

I am proud of you Hunter!

Keep striving for this:

"A man is someone who rejects passivity, accepts responsibility, leads courageously, and expects a greater reward-

God’s reward!"

-Robert Lewis

Walking With or Working For?

2010-04-12T12:43:00.000-04:00

Thank you Tim Harting for this video!

Have you come to grip with how passionate HE loves us?

Thank you Jesus for your love! Scandalous!

Diana's Love Story

2010-04-07T12:33:00.002-04:00

Diana's Love Story from LOVE146 on Vimeo.

Today's ifast58 message shook me. HERE

" The truth is, my heart is broken. Every 2 minutes a child is being prepared for sexual exploitation and 2 children are sold every minute. Children."

Sex trafficking isn't a pretty subject - but would you want people to stop talking about it if it were YOUR daughter...or mine?

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water
       that sends out its roots by the stream.
       It does not fear when heat comes;
       its leaves are always green.
       It has no worries in a year of drought
       and never fails to bear fruit."      Jeremiah 17:7-8

*****ADDITION***** I just read this article about a 7 years old in NJ that was sold for sex by her sister. I know I am new to this: I was thinking this only happened in other countries. SO sad!!!!!   http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D9EPUI781&show_article=1

Beautiful Mess - Psalm 40

James: Mercy Triumphs

I wub cookie

Health Update

Link

Infomercial: Eggies

So it Cycles...Great! {sarcasm}

Mission 2011

It's Missional

And whoever shall receive one such little child in my name receives me. -Matthew 18:5

Not JUST a Headache

Seek Emergency Medical Attention

LACK of emergency medical attention

Near Death

Some Thoughts On Dying

Isaiah 40

Comfort for God’s People

Repost* 9/11 Hope & Faith

I'm No Puppet Master

The Burn

Matter of Heart

Walking Wounded

The Rescue

The Rescue

Job 23:12

Time

Song for Me

Whatever!

Definition of ABIDE

Vows

The Day

Matthew 11:28 (The Message)

Redemption

Times

Connections

We are connected! What happens to ONE, happens to us all! If you drop a stone in a lake the ripples are felt top, depth, width, breadth... No loss, no hurt of another, no sin offended leaves us, the connected, unaffected. ~Jen Polk circa 2011

A ball of yarn, or ribbon, bothwouldn't mean a lot to mostthey can't see the beauty hiddenor connectedness in the life we're livin'

Where does one heart stopand another begin?Where does your hurt startand my pain end?

It's somewhere in the in-betweena place where faith and Spirit meetWhere we see we're more than we're meant to be We're woven into a beautiful tapestry

Images stolen borrowed from here:Water: http://www.lehmanmac.com/?attachment_id=480Yarn: http://awoollytail.com/product-detail.asp

Lessons from Listening

Someday Son...

My Mothers

Sabbath Tooth

Dry Bones

They Asked Me To Share

Grandmother's Godliness

Search Me

It's a Psalm 139 kind of day. I wrote in my journal: wreck me Lord and let the only thing that remains be acceptable to you. I fear there won't be much left.

Psalm 139

Clear the Stage!

Psalm 6 (New Living Translation)

For the choir director: A psalm of David, to be accompanied by an eight-stringed instrument.

Ross King "Clear the Stage"

Profile of the Lukewarm

Are You Ready?

Stop Praying.

Crazy Love!

Stoke Our Hope!

PRAY

Monday, July 19, 2010

PRAY!

Pure Religion

Please donate to the Bryan Turner Family Fund at Community First Credit Union. If you cannot make it to the bank, you can mail your gifts to Community First Credit Union, Post Office Box 2600, Jax, FL 32232. The check must be made payable to the Bryan Turner Family Fund.

Love Rescued Me

Grace

Still Here?

We temporarily interrupt this program

http://www.charitywater.org/september/trailer.html

What Love is This? Mission 2

Psalm 145 specifically "The Lord is gracious and merciful; Slow to anger and great in lovingkindness. The Lord is good to all, and His mercies are over all His works."

What Love is This? Mission 1

What Love is This?

I'm Off

Beloved

HE Speaks To ME

Psalm 41

Everything

Sex sells...you just won't find me buying

What if other patrons raped little girls one aisle over while I shopped & the store owners didn’t do anything about it...

We are connected!
What happens to ONE, happens to us all!
If you drop a stone in a lake the ripples are felt
top, depth, width, breadth...
No loss, no hurt of another, no sin offended
leaves us, the connected, unaffected.
~Jen Polk circa 2011

A ball of yarn, or ribbon, both
wouldn't mean a lot to most
they can't see the beauty hidden
or connectedness in the life we're livin'

Where does one heart stop
and another begin?
Where does your hurt start
and my pain end?

It's somewhere in the in-between
a place where faith and Spirit meet
Where we see we're more than we're meant to be
We're woven into a beautiful tapestry

Images stolen borrowed from here:
Water: http://www.lehmanmac.com/?attachment_id=480
Yarn: http://awoollytail.com/product-detail.asp

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.