"Lord, I am completely overwhelmed I cannot even write right now.
Then 10 hours later I sat on the couch and wrote (Italics are journal writing non-italics are present explanation):
"Lord thank you for time alone. I don't know what you want to do in this time. God I am feeling myself slip. I am distancing, avoiding, hardening-I feel such anger, sadness, fear that I have a hard time breathing. I wanted to take this time and let you search me. I am afraid to deal. I really don't know where to start."
Then the list began... words on a page...too many to list... some too shameful to share
No particular order, rhyme or reason... Just what came out (in typing the words some are real, imagined, feared, past, present, or future)
What do I want?
Why am I not happy?
Why am I frozen?
How come I have to hear whispers? (the whispers are about suicide)
Lord where do I start?
I am leaving out a personal entry about my relationship with my husband that I regret that he will have to read someday. Too personal to write here...then I wrote:
"God I truly want to flee right now. It is not rational. I love my husband, my kids, my life. Why do I want to leave? I think things appear too big, too hard, too complex-and honestly I don't want to let you work on a lot of it. But I do. Why did You create me like this? Ugh!"