"Lord, I am completely overwhelmed I cannot even write right now.
Then 10 hours later I sat on the couch and wrote (Italics are journal writing non-italics are present explanation):
"Lord thank you for time alone. I don't know what you want to do in this time. God I am feeling myself slip. I am distancing, avoiding, hardening-I feel such anger, sadness, fear that I have a hard time breathing. I wanted to take this time and let you search me. I am afraid to deal. I really don't know where to start."
Then the list began... words on a page...too many to list... some too shameful to share
my marriage
our finances
children
education
depression
anxiety
weight
the company
paperwork
cleanliness
maintenance
taxes
audit
collectors
creditors
medical care
friends finances
friendship
church
family relationships
death
filing
quick-books
budget
braces
debt
car repairs
wedding date
heather
losing myself
thoughts
wardrobe
carpet
past due
college
accountant
Gate
JEA
Sprint
Husbands attitude
hunting
poker
lonely
future
identity
alone
overwhelmed
medication
diet
Christ
mission
witness
walk
gifts
holidays
security
guilt
sexuality
uncertainty
dancing
drinking
vulnerability
undisciplined
anger
fear
Husbands feelings
in-laws
bankruptcy
accounts
credit
bills
trash
organizing
frozen
stuck
hurt
money
age
cancer
insurance
phone
laundry
books
headaches
pain
doubt
No particular order, rhyme or reason... Just what came out (in typing the words some are real, imagined, feared, past, present, or future)
What do I want?
Why am I not happy?
Why am I frozen?
How come I have to hear whispers? (the whispers are about suicide)
Lord where do I start?
I am leaving out a personal entry about my relationship with my husband that I regret that he will have to read someday. Too personal to write here...then I wrote:
"God I truly want to flee right now. It is not rational. I love my husband, my kids, my life. Why do I want to leave? I think things appear too big, too hard, too complex-and honestly I don't want to let you work on a lot of it. But I do. Why did You create me like this? Ugh!"
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