Reality

I have truly come to believe I live in some altered state of reality.

I guess what it is: I have a *new reality*

I can't believe I have a medicine container like an old person that separates my Rx to am/pm and contains a mass of pills for each day. I am diligent about my medication after February's event. I feel it helping and that means the world.

I can't believe I have had to join support groups to deal with the reality that I am chronically ill.  I am EVER thankful that they exist.  Seriously, to not fight alone and to have others "get it" has helped immensely.

I can't believe I wear a Medic Alert bracelet.  The thought of something happening when no one is with me terrifies me. This bracelet has a number that can be called and they will notify medical persons of my health, medications and contact my emergency contacts.

I carry my diagnosis with me to explain it to those in the medical community that are unaware of Hemiplegic Migraine. You would NOT believe the stories and lack of understanding of this disability.

I plan my day around MY nap. Yes, the toddler naps (so I blame it on him to most people) but reality is it's ME that has to nap. Not wants to, not because I am lazy, not because it would be nice if...no I full on pass out dead to the world.  From research I have come to learn that since my left side is weaker my brain works twice as hard to make me function normally.

Most of the people "IN' my life have NO idea what I deal with on a daily, weekly basis to TRY and stay well.  It really requires too much effort to explain it to them anyway.  I did find a story, shared in a support group, that does a pretty good job: The Spoon Theory While I do not have Lupus, this is very much how I have to balance life.

I wrote this more of an update for ME to remember.  In case you have come searching for help...here you go:

Support Groups:
Livingwithhm.com

Facebook:
HMers R Us Worldwide.. Hemiplegic Migraine

A Three Year Old Gets It

I am fresh out of my 3 year old's room.

We just did bedtime routine: clean up, story time, "What are you thankful for?" and prayers.

During the thankful time we had the most unbelievable conversation, as it was happening I knew it was remarkable, I was so upset that I couldn't turn my camera on and record him for "proof" but my memory was full. 

I am going to try to write it down as clearly as I remember.  I assure you it is close. It is unbelievable even to me that I had this conversation with my three year old, but I did.

D: (touching my shirt) What does dat say?
Me: Both ends burning
D: What does dat mean?
Me: Well, it's about a movie that is helping make sure kids that don't have a home can have one. (very simplified explanation)
D: (wide eyes) They don't have a home?
Me: No, not every child has a home. They need a family.
D: I hab a famiwee
Me: You do. Not every kid does though. 
D: Dat makes me really sad. It makes me feel wike... (tears welling) I am gonna cry
Me: (tears welling about to BURST) (Prayer) Don't worry. God will take care of the children.  See buddy, God purposes in people's heart the right thing to do. Then people are obedient to that feeling and act to make sure the children get a home. Make sure they have a family. (all the while knowing that it isn't that easy--but worth seeing relief on the 3yo face)

D: (with a sense of power) We hab to change dis world! Wets change it. I'm gonna be Spider Man and go off and fight the bad guys and make sure kids hab a home and then (higher pitch) I will fwhy back to my home.
Me:(astounded)

We finished routine and had an extra special prayer time. I am so thankful for this little man teaching me about changing the world.

I walked out of the room after prayer and BURST into tears.

A three year old "gets it" why can't the world?"

Our hero

Please check out BOTH ENDS BURNING
As well as the STUCK Documentary. HERE
The Movie Premier is touring the country and I saw it last night and it was AMAZING!

Can You Have Me?

Have you ever been just playing music in the background and then lyrics JUMP out at you?

Well, it happend today.

If I saw You on the street and You said come and follow me;
But I had to give up everything; all I once held dear and all of my dreams...Would I love You enough to let go?
Or would my love run dry when You asked for my life.

I, honestly, don't know how I WOULD answer that question. I know how I should. There is a difference.

Pondering. Reflecting.

Here is the song: You Can Have Me by Sidewalk Prophets


If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams

Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me

Father of love, You can have me
You can have me
If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering

I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me

Father of love, You can have me
You can have me
I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father, my love
You can have me

What's in a Name (Health update)

This post is long, and written mostly to document, for myself, the events in the last week.  Feel free to skim. 

Last Friday, February 1st, I had the "trippiest" migraine aura. It was a beautiful moment in time, actually, and I hadn't had such a crazy beautiful cacophony of experiences in a long time and actually took a photo to remember the moment.

See it's good I took a picture, because guess what, it was WEDNESDAY, January 30th . Around 2pm.

If you are unfamiliar with aura, it is visual symptoms that generally indicate that a migraine is on the way.  Though not always. This particular day, the sun was warm, the wind was cool, and the sky was beautiful. I was laying on the back patio trying to get some sun to help with my depression. I was looking at the sky and noticed that a little shell shaped "thing" was flitting around in my vision, I started to see spots, (in my head I knew this was aura, which confused me because I had already had my monthly cycle which my migraine typically precedes) Well, the aura began to put on a show. So,  I just lay there wishing I could record it because it was beautiful.  The spots lined up and were layered from me to the cloud and then moved up and down, closer to me then closer to the clouds. Dancing spots. I was sad to see it go.  It was crazy.  I moved on about my business the whole show lasted about 10 minutes. 

Flash forward to Friday. I had to run errands for our business.  While trying to get on the property at an exclusive resort, I had to wait for the computer system to register. The guard told me to give it 20 minutes.  He sent  me to wait in a lot next to the guard gate. While waiting, I felt it coming. First nausea and then intense pain in my head.  (my classic migraine is "dull", this was not) I describe the pain as "twangy", intense and coming out of the top left side of my brain. As the pain grew, I knew there would be no way I could do the task I was sent to do. So I headed home, well the pain and nausea were so awful I almost stopped to have someone come get me. However, I was too far away.  I had to drive. In my altered state, I got lost on my way home. Not totally lost, but went the wrong way and thankfully saw a road I recognized and realized I was going the wrong way. My phone was dead. It was a mess.  I couldn't get in the bed fast enough once I finally made it home.

The next morning, Saturday,  I felt better.  Went about our day completing the task I failed at the afternoon before.  Well, buy 2pm the same thing started again.  Same cycle as the day before. Except I didn't get lost because Polk was with me :)

Sunday, I awoke to worse weakness on my left side but no headache. (I am always sensory impaired on the left side-with slight weakness--I describe it as if on a scale of 1-10 the weakness and difference is a 1 {normally}) This was a 3. I could definately feel a difference. You could see a difference in my face. 

Compare the sides of my face. Right down the mid-line.

Most people look at the picture and say, you look beautiful. Thank you. I, however, see (and feel) that my left side (right side of picture) is different. You will see my cheek is not equal to my other side. My smile isn't the same if you compare side-to-side. I am grateful it isn't worse. However, its really weird and not fun. 

Now, the entire left side is evenly impaired.   It's just you can "see" it in my face.  My whole side feels a little more difficult to move.  Like it's dragging (but it isn't visually)

So, it continued like that Sun, Mon, Tues...then on Wednesday morning I awoke and thought "I can't move my arm" I was worried I had had a stroke and was paralyzed. For a second I thought "Oh no, I can't move" then as I rolled over I realized my arm could move it was just really really heavy.  So, the weakness and numbness had worsened.I was keeping my baby grand that morning.  When my daughter walked in, I said I am not sure if I can hold the baby let me try, well I could.  I was over compensating with my right side.  So...I kept her.  I noticed my head was hurting.  This isn't all too unusual but the worsening weakness was concerning. Well, as the morning continued I was googling and found Hemiplegic Migraine. 

How had I never heard of this? It sounded just like me. 

I was worsening, and I have to tell you, I feared a stroke was coming. Last stroke I was not near this bad and BAM! So I was terrified.  The scariest thing is feeling it in my throat, half is numb, and occasionally I would choke on my spit. My voice didn't sound like me (though others said they couldn't tell) I guess it was more a "feeling" too.

Well, I knew I was in a cycle and needed to get drugs to stop it.  Due to insurance, or lack there of, I had to go to the ER.  My daughter works a Mayo Clinic and was getting off at 1:30 and said why don't you come to our ER? That would be the fastest for sure, as the headache was intensifying. So, I made arrangements for D. Packed the car and headed to the ER. 

Aside--let me tell you- if you want top notch fast service in an ER-have a stroke and you are in! I was moved ahead of frail old people in wheelchairs. I felt bad, but a stroke is nothing to play around with. 

They performed every test under the sun. 

Here's the admission.  I did this to myself.  Not intentionally, but it's still my fault.  Remember that post about insurance-yeah-I don't even WANT to go there.  However, I have to briefly.  My medication is expensive. Especially expensive when you are self-employed and can barley keep your employees working through off-season.  So, I stopped taking my meds.  

My line of thought "who knows if they are even helping. They put me on them after the last event, but I never took meds like this before so who knows if I even need them, I dang sure can't afford them, I'll just stop and see what happens, probably don't even need them, wouldn't that save a lot of money"

I know I know!  

So, they were convinced (as was I) that this was a (they said it not me) Complicated Migraine  and to take my meds and follow up with neuro. The nuerologist said that I should get genetic testing to confirm the diagnosis of Hemiplegic Migraine. 

Anyway, to make matters worse the ER doctors were going to switch my meds to something more affordable and then when I was discharged said my meds were on the $4 list at Wal-mart so they didn't have to switch. Commence me flipping out and actually doing math, which I hate, to see how much moeny I could have saved had I had that little piece of information.  I left feeling so ashamed of myself. I had not only stopped my meds, but could have afforded them, I was sick and I could have been better. 

About the rx: Well, that wasn't exactly true. The dosage that I am on is not $4 at Wal-mart but it's $85 so I have been saving money using the Walgreens Rx plan and getting it for $65.  However, I am going to see if my doctor can adjust is so i can take 2 or the 120mg which are $4 and stil save. Anyway. 

So, now it's been a week.  I don't know how long this will last.  It takes patience with myself and patience from others. 

I am trying to get into the Neuro ASAP-but that is no easy task. Don't even get me started on insurance believe me that is an entirely different post that I do not have the energy to type.

To help others understand I figured out how to describe how it feels to accomplish tasks:

You know those weights that you strap to your ankles or the little hand weights that women use for toning.  Light, 1-2 pounds.  Well, everything I do feels like my left side has a weight attached.  Like right now typing: It feels like I am wearing a weighted glove and my fingers on my left side have to work 3 times harder than my right to do the same task.  Holding up my phone, with my left hand,  feels like holding a 5 pound bag of sugar to my ear.  I can do it. It's just exhausting. 

Yesterday, I wish you would have seen my folding D's laundry. It's like every little 4T shirt weighed 2 pounds. Sort of funny.  I did it though! However, the second load that needed to be folded had to wait. I was just too exhausted.

Friday:I have a little more movement
Again, compare side-to-side
Chin line, lips, etc

So, I feel like my condition has a name. HEMIPLEGIC MIGRAINE A confusing name. More frustrating because I am finding out from other migraineurs that many doctors have no experience with this rare neurological disorder.  I am sure my neurologist is familiar, he is the Program Director of the Neuroscience Institute. He calls it "complicated migraine".  I just wonder WHY he hasn't called it Hemiplegic Migraine yet. I will know soon enough.

What's funny, is looking back at the time of my last event I even called it a Hemiplegic Migraine and still never really put it all together.  IT'S NOT JUST A HEADACHE

A name is important.

By having a name, I have found a community of support.

By having a name I can tell people "Google Hemiplegic migraine" and they can read about it instead of just looking at me like I have 3 heads. 

Oh, and back to juicing for me.   I need to do this with all that is in me!  I MUST JUICE!

This morning my like-a-daughter posted a thing on FB by one of my favorite devotions "My Utmost for His Highest" I thought it was fitting for how I was feeling:

Are You Exhausted Spiritually?

The everlasting God . . . neither faints nor is weary —Isaiah 40:28

Exhaustion means that our vital energies are completely worn out and spent. Spiritual exhaustion is never the result of sin, but of service. Whether or not you experience exhaustion will depend on where you get your supplies. Jesus said to Peter, “Feed My sheep,” but He gave him nothing with which to feed them (John 21:17). The process of being made broken bread and poured-out wine means that you have to be the nourishment for other people’s souls until they learn to feed on God. They must drain you completely— to the very last drop. But be careful to replenish your supply, or you will quickly be utterly exhausted. Until others learn to draw on the life of the Lord Jesus directly, they will have to draw on His life through you. You must literally be their source of supply, until they learn to take their nourishment from God. We owe it to God to be our best for His lambs and sheep, as well as for Him.

Have you delivered yourself over to exhaustion because of the way you have been serving God? If so, then renew and rekindle your desires and affections. Examine your reasons for service. Is your source based on your own understanding or is it grounded on the redemption of Jesus Christ? Continually look back to the foundation of your love and affection and remember where your Source of power lies. You have no right to complain, “O Lord, I am so exhausted.” He saved and sanctified you to exhaust you. Be exhausted for God, but remember that He is your supply. “All my springs are in you” (Psalm 87:7).

So, I am off to rest in HIM!

If you care to know more about my journey through stroke and "complicated migraine" there are labels on my blog. So look on the right and scroll.  

HELPS:

Migraine aura video that also references HM (Hemiplegic Migraine) :  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/migraine-aura/MM00659

Foundation:
http://hemiplegicmigraine.org/

Support:
http://livingwithhm.com/

Reflection

Have you ever forgotten who you were?

Like, truly not even recognized yourself?   I often wonder if it's just me.

Lately, I have been struggling with so much.  Most, even those closest to me, have NO idea what is wrong with me.  Neither do I. Until this morning...

The other day was a nasty, nasty day of fighting and battling and I looked through a journal sitting on my desk from 2011 and saw prayers I had written, lists, and budgets and I thought "I don't even know WHO the person who wrote this IS" "HOW did she do that?"  I scribbled down a prayer and even the handwriting looks like a different person wrote it. 

I feel so worn out. I feel so hopeless. I feel like "what's the point" which are all lies! I know this.

I am trying desperately to put on my best face and press on.  Thinking it's so hard.  Thinking my battle is so tough. It really is for me. It's still a lie. 

SO...

Then...I woke up late. Decided I didn't even have time to look at Facebook. Then decided I would allow 5 minutes to check notifications. Last night a friend had posted a pretty odd/funny question about underwear.  Well, I only checked one notification-it was a blog post from my friend about "worn" so I thought I was going to laugh hysterically about underwear.

Instead of laughter, there was much needed tears and reflection.

I read and watched about how a friend, who is struggling with cancer, has pressed on! I call her friend; but we really only met once at a baby shower.  I had read about her in another blog post; so I felt like I knew her. I realize I need to know her more.

Please read-  WORN

"Laura is the strongest and most generous person I have ever met. Even in this time of suffering she wants others to know that they are not alone. She says to me all the time how she hopes and prays that no one ever has to endure anything like she has. Her love for her children amazes me. Her devotion to her marriage and family leaves me speechless."

I read, then watched and the entire time cried. Not just for Laura, but for myself.  Her story gives me hope and inspiration to PRESS ON!

I pulled up James: Chapter 1 on my Ipad. I cried some more when I read this: 

²² But be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. ²³ Because if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man looking at his own face^[i] in a mirror. ²⁴ For he looks at himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. ²⁵ But the one who looks intently into the perfect law of freedom and perseveres in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but one who does good works—this person will be blessed in what he does.

 I am presently a "hearer" and a "be-er" but I am not a "DOER" of much. 

Before--

¹⁹ My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, ²⁰ for man’s anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness. ²¹ Therefore, ridding yourselves of all moral filth and evil,^[g] humbly receive the implanted word, which is able to save you.^[h]

After--

²⁶ If anyone^[j] thinks he is religious without controlling his tongue, then his religion is useless and he deceives himself. ²⁷ Pure and undefiled religion before our^[k] God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

I have so much more to process as I am literally spitting this out as it has happened. I will add more when (if) I can. Please pray for me. Pray for Laura!

 I leave you saying:

^"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials,  knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

This is truly unedited-if you see something-please tell me :) 

Seeing Things Differently

*For those who do not know, we foster my cousin.

Recently we were walking down the "toy path" as we tend to do.  I saw a toy that, previously, I would have looked and not thought another thing; but now I looked and shuddered.  It made me sad. I was immediately trying to flash through the next 3-15 years and figure out how I was going to protect a young boy from images like this:

These images are not the actual toys I saw

See, little mister's dad has been arrested.  Dad is facing hard time. Right now we tell D his dad is on a trip.  Eventually he will have to know the truth. Dad is awaiting trial.  It is gut wrenching to imagine what he is going through.  He admits, he did it to himself. Don't worry, he didn't do anything awful. Just broke the law. His choices in the past, compounded with present bad choices are what are making the time add up. 

See, I know that even though he broke man's law;  he is still somebody's dad, son, or grand-son. He is loved. Thought of. Prayed for! If my crimes against God and man were known I could be right there with him!

I do not want D to be exposed to ugly stereotypes that shape who he thinks of as "good and bad." 

Guess what, I realize I can't stop exposure. I can however shape what he thinks of those seen as outcasts, unlovely, low in society, criminals, poor, and needy.  They are LOVED by God and we are to serve.

 “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink?  When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You?  Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ ⁴⁰ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’ Matthew 25:37-40
Click to see in context

I will do my best to train this young man in the way he should go. I pray for wisdom and tenderness as we face the future.  Every day of the future is uncertain for all of us, but I am assured of WHO shows me the way.

While I have never viewed D's father as my enemy...


This quote truly stopped me:

Miles McPherson via Twitter... "Your love for God is no higher and sincere than your love for your worst enemy. 1John 4:20"

It gives me a lot to think about.  Makes me see things differently.

____________________________________________

Images originated from these sites:
1. http://montclairsoci.blogspot.com/2010/08/flic-dans-le-hood.html
2. http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/money/galleries/33952/top-10-must-have-toys-2011/5
3. http://www.uwhealth.org/news/trouble-in-toyland/29920

Death, Stroke, and Blessings After

Today is a significant day for me.  See, 4 years ago, this day, I sat alone with God and wrote my heart out in a journal.  It would be the eve of my stroke, but obviously I didn't know that at the time. 

"The next time I would return to that journal would be post stroke, post hospital stay, post realizing I had a brush with death.   I could not even face what I wrote on the eve of my stroke for weeks.  I knew.  I knew that I had wanted to die but GOD had allowed me to live."   Expert from blog listed below. 

It's long, but it's a story that I hope those that love me will take the time to read. Especially those new to my life.  Honestly, it has made me who I am today. 

This was written 3 years ago on the 1 year anniversary of my 1st stroke.  

Click here-The HEART of it~10/28/2009

We were posing and the guys thought it would be funny to tip the pew!
So "MY" family!

 

Update 2012
***10/27 which would be the eve of my stroke and significant for me because it's when I wrote my journal entry. 
I am sitting here preparing for the rivalry Florida Georgia Game today. Our family is gathering. My son-in-love is smoking meat and all of my family will be there; extended in-laws and friends as well. I can't help thinking how RICH my life is. I have a brand new precious grand-daughter.  We are foster parents to a 3 year old blessing. We are second-grandparents to 2 precious joys with another on the way. Our son is growing into a man. Our lives are blessed! I have since had another stroke that did leave me with some health problems that I have battled.  I am fighting the "thorn in my flesh" , of depression with suicidal ideation, with medication and the WORD OF GOD! It has not been an easy journey. It is a journey, though, that I thank God every day that I get to make! 

Looking at this image I think, I would have never seen my daughter marry. I would have never seen ANY of these babies had God given me my way. The truth is, I didn't WANT to die. I suffer from an illness.  It's a battle that I fight.  Though I do not have to fight alone...look at the good things the Lord has done!

Friday Favorites~Care to Join Me?

My friend Janet asked me to join in. So I ask you!

If you decide to join me in listing your favorites from this week, leave a link in the comments so we can all read yours and be blessed.

What are my favorite things from this week?


1. My favorite scriptures-  Exodus 17:8-15 I just love this story! There are many people I am symbolically lifting their arms.  and 1 Corinthians 13 in the KJV I am memorizing this in honor of Trent's grandmother.

2. My favorite moment-Going to the fair and seeing Declan's face the first time he was on a ferris wheel.  Pretty much all of his faces that night were "the moment"

3. My favorite physical blessing- The blessing of getting to be at a friend's birth.  The blessing of new life!  Tremendous.  The story of how we became friends is painful, the fact that she allows me in her life-powerful!

4. My favorite food- This week it would have to be funnel cake from the fair! lol

5. My favorite place- Saturday, we had the opportunity to redo our family pictures.  It was SO perfect.  I cried out in praise to God who allowed the most beautiful perfect time for photographs. The pictures will be share soon.  However the place is Cedar Point. I look forward to redoing family pictures there for years to come.

Everything Beautiful

One of my best bloggy friends started making jewelry a while back.

Well, her stuff is GORGEOUS!  I just had to buy something!

Here is my necklace and earrings! BEAUTIFUL!

Go check her Etsy site out:

Everything Beautiful~Jewelry by Janet Powers

Tell here Jen sent you!

Silly Face

"Nonni take a pichur of my siwy face"

Plans

A sweet bloggy friend asked if we had any big plans for the weekend. Food, family and football!!

Our life is so full of blessings!

Come

Last night we sat to talk with our son about the fear we have over his life if he continues on the same path we once walked.

We spoke about respect, honor, obedience, future.
Almost every thing we said there was an argument back. We listened as he shared his hurt toward us.  The way he "feels" we feel about him.

Gut wrenching.  

I am still a bit wrecked this morning.

At one point I wanted to try to get across to him that if me "a simple woman" can feel this grief, heartbroken...{then the tears came...chocked to the point of not being able to speak} I wanted to say I can not imagine what a Holy God feels like.

It ended well.  There was love, hurt, and understanding on all sides. 

As he left the house I was grateful to be able to sink into my husbands chest and cry the ugly cry. 

So, I went to my room and read My Utmost for His Highest..It was about "The Nature of Reconciliation."  Two of the things that stuck out to me said...

Sin is a fundamental relationship— it is not wrong doing, but wrong being— it is deliberate and determined independence from God.

A man cannot redeem himself— redemption is the work of God, and is absolutely finished and complete. And its application to individual people is a matter of their own individual action or response to it. A distinction must always be made between the revealed truth of redemption and the actual conscious experience of salvation in a person’s life.

Then I listen to some praise music from that morning.  We went to two churches and heard it at both.  In case you need to praise:


I stayed thinking on the thought...what about God? How must He feel? How does He deal with the weight of the population of eternity turning aside, pushing away, blaming Him...Oh, how my hurt was minimized by that fact.

This morning

We spent the morning praying for ourselves. We need to be the love that we need him to find.

{I smile now} because HE SEES IT ALL, KNOWS ALL!  I am grateful that my God is NOT human!

This mornings devotional, as it tends to be, was just what I needed.

My Utmost for His Highest~Oswald Chambers

Come to Me . . . —Matthew 11:28

Isn’t it humiliating to be told that we must come to Jesus! Think of the things about which we will not come to Jesus Christ. If you want to know how real you are, test yourself by these words— “Come to Me . . . .” In every dimension in which you are not real, you will argue or evade the issue altogether rather than come; you will go through sorrow rather than come; and you will do anything rather than come the last lap of the race of seemingly unspeakable foolishness and say, “Just as I am, I come.” As long as you have even the least bit of spiritual disrespect, it will always reveal itself in the fact that you are expecting God to tell you to do something very big, and yet all He is telling you to do is to “Come . . . .”
“Come to Me . . . .” When you hear those words, you will know that something must happen in you before you can come. The Holy Spirit will show you what you have to do, and it will involve anything that will uproot whatever is preventing you from getting through to Jesus. And you will never get any further until you are willing to do that very thing. The Holy Spirit will search out that one immovable stronghold within you, but He cannot budge it unless you are willing to let Him do so.
How often have you come to God with your requests and gone away thinking, “I’ve really received what I wanted this time!” And yet you go away with nothing, while all the time God has stood with His hands outstretched not only to take you but also for you to take Him. Just think of the invincible, unconquerable, and untiring patience of Jesus, who lovingly says, “Come to Me. . . .”

We are praying for courage, strength and wisdom.  It was a challenge from the pastor at a church we have been visiting. As we were on our way home yesterday morning we were talking about our son. I was explaining that I have a "peace" not a peace that everything is going to be okay.  However, a peace that I have to let what is going to happen...happen.  It is an unsettling peace.  I feel like I want to DO something.  Make something happen. Demand my own way.  However, our son must come to a place where he comes to need God. Right now he is not worshiping the God of his father (read about what can happen here), and that is some scary stuff.  I know that I can trust my God. He is faithful!
I explained in this posts a few months ago about the peace

Sorry about the odd ending...but I have run out of time...and blogger is messing up and will only let me add stuff in HTML...and well, I don't really know how to do that :)

***Update: Just got done spending 1 1/2 hours sharing testimonies and talking with my son about the gospel. This morning he is "different" meaning he is sensitive, honoring, respectful and desiring to spend time together. Halleluiah!

Before & After

In case you missed the story...READ:Juicing

 

30 Days of Juicing Update

We have ventured into juicing.

It has been something that family and friends have suggested, prompted, and sometimes begged of me for sometime.

We watched this: http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/

I thought all that health stuff was phooey :) apparently there's something to it :)

Bonus: I've lost 18 pounds.  I was SHOCKED at the fact that I was hardly hungry.

Here is a Headache Comparison I created (mostly for myself) because I needed to "see"...I am very visual.  Here is a link to the document:Headache Comparison Aug/Sept 2012


I should have put this on that document...that when we juiced we juiced breakfast and lunch. Allowed snacks. Had a regular, healthy, dinner. Cut processed foods as much as possible (now we did have some chicken wings for football lol) . Nothing but juice water, crystal light for beverages. Then the three days we fasted, we had nothing but juice and water. Not even snacks.



One of my biggest fears was "we can't afford to do it" 

Well after a $2,000+ trip to the ER with no insurance....this is SURE cheaper.

There was upfront cost of the juicer. We bought the nicest we could afford.  For those curious, we purchased a Breville Juice Fountain Elite. 

Our grocery bill is so much less per week- its craziness 

 This weeks Farmers Market finds:

3 romaine $1
2 pineapples $4
8 pears $4
4 gigantic cucumbers $2
7 sweet potatoes $2
1 butternut squash $1
4 tomatoes $2
2 lemons & 4 limes $1.50
2 Kale bunches $2
1 bag of basil $1
Apples are $2 basket
we negotiated and got 10 baskets for $18 (this lasts about 2 weeks)
Total: $38.50



Here are some examples of some creations:

This is BY NO MEANS an exhaustive blog or how-to----I just wanted to get this out there for the 2 people who actually read my blog to see too. LOL!

If you have questions, ask away!

Weeds

I am usually disappointed that my backyard is nothing but weeds; however, this morning, in a moment surrounded by chaos and pain, I looked out and saw that the weeds had brought at least a dozen beautiful butterflies. Much like my life, a beautiful mess!

20 Years

I have to say, I have been struggling the past few days. Mightily.

It began a few days ago...we were looking through old pictures (from the last few years) on facebook, and I was thinner. Dun, dun, dun...and healthier.  I was sad looking back and thinking how different I am as a mom for Hunter than I was for Brittny.

Then yesterday, I was driving around, having a pity party thinking about what an absolute wretch I was 20 years ago.  I was thinking "What did he see in me?" Was it just about what he could get from me? Which, I might add, was not very difficult? Oh, the heartbreak when I think of how I disrespected myself, my mother, my mother-in-law.

Last night when hubby returned from fishing,  I was in bed with a headache; I had been thinking all day! You know he was not prepared for the barrage of "mess" that was about to come out of me. The tears, the heartbreak, the emotion and joy. God bless him.  He should never leave me unattended that long ;)

The questions began, the tears flowed, the confession of shame, the hope for better for my son, the wish for a different me, the health, the pity, the waste, the hope.

Leave it to Polk, shocker, to see the beauty of our life. What wonderful children we have, our home, our life, our grandchildren.  Who would have ever thought we would have it so good?  God did, that's who.Oh my word, I am overcome when I think of where the Lord has brought us in 20 years. Seriously over-come!

However...

I want how I feel now about who I was then to NOT be like who I will be later when I think about now.

Most days I try to press through. Some days I succumb to the weight of it all. I am grateful to have a life partner to help me find my way back to shore.

You are the beauty in me because of our Lord Jesus. Thank you for the past 20 yrs. our lives are like the seas; they are beautiful and comforting. They sooth and restore. They can be quiet and still. They can roar and be turbulent. The sea and all that is in it the Lord has blessed just as he has blessed us to be together. I Love You bigger that the seas and all they hold. Happy Anniversary ! ;-)

Trent Polk ~June 1, 2012

 

We were a HOT MESS 20 years ago!

I can't believe I am putting this on the internet!

When I think forward 20 years, if the Lord allows, I desire to be proud of my "self" 20 years ago. I don't want to be the sick lady. The fat lady. The bitchy, naggy, harpy lady (scary to read what proverbs has to say about this kind of women).

I want more. I want to be healthy. Even if I don't feel well at times, I want to be kind. I want to feel beautiful. I want to DO things. I want to shoot a gun. I want to white water raft. I want to see things. Go places. I don't want to stay holed up in my house feeling sorry for myself.

Date night= $25
Seeing yourself in the future=priceless

I have started changing things already...we will have to see what 20 years brings!

Wisdom or Folly

This is not the kind of reflection you LIKE to do. BUUUUUTTT...necessary.

I am grateful for my blog, for times like this.

Almost a year later, reading the post I wrote about my son Aug 2011, reflecting. This blog will make more sense if you read that back story.

Click to go to site where image located

I would have to say that sitting here today, I feel the EXACT same way; however you would have to take the sin and consequences of the sin up about 10 notches. (exact value not known-I just made that number up)

That is not a good feeling. 

However I tell you I have more of a peace than I had in August of 2011. Weird huh?

Oh, I DON'T LIKE it! I am horrified, ashamed, saddened, heartbroken, and there are so many pieces of hurt that only the arms of Christ can hold them all.

It is SCARY to watch your son not walk in the WAY. Scarier still to look at yourself and your spouse and see you too are not walking in the WAY that is evident enough to even make your our own son desire righteousness above all else.

Church yesterday was AWESOME, seriously a message preached directly to our present situation.  Leaving though, my son looked burdened.  Hard to watch. A time when "just give it all to God, lay it at his feet..." is NOT an appropriate response. My husband explained that this isn't a "sweep it under the rug and forget about it kind of issue". We will deal. He will confess to whom it's necessary. Most of all I will love.

Later, while having lunch I asked him a question that had been weighing heavily on my mind "Are you His?" My husband went into a 45 minute sermon, tear jerk-er, self examination, brutally honest and raw, and seriously, though painful, the best words I had heard from my husband in years.

He wanted to know if any of US were HIS?  Yes, we believe.  But, if we examine our life, we'll see that we in no way do we "need" God to accomplish anything and that we are doing absolutely nothing but helping ourselves. Yes, I know it is not all for loss...and we do "some" things...but not the "get a camel through the eye of a needle" sort of sacrifice. When others in Uganda, Ethiopia, have nothing we have everything and we give nothing.

Hard words to hear. I wanted to tell him he was wrong and that it wasn't true, but he was right. I was sad. I was grateful. FINALLY. 

Seriously, I would not choose this way. I would not choose for my son to dishonor his God, his parents, himself, and others. However, if the end result is it jerk us out of our luke-warm slumber to say "pay attention you are on the Highway to Hell!" I'll take it. (side note-I don't believe you can lose your salvation...this is just a metaphor)

God works all things together for good. ALL things. 

My son has a road to walk and as hard as it is to watch him not choose God's best, I know that God has a calling on his life. I know that he has been set-apart. Whether he walks into that calling at 20 years old or 40 is yet to be seen.

I have thought over the latest issue and seriously can't imagine how I could have prevented it.  There are no rules or boundaries that weren't in place. He CHOSE. The choice is his to make. The consequences are his to bear. We will support him and help him rebuild himself.  However, if he chooses to choose folly, and disobedience, he will not be allowed to live under our roof. He would be continuing to "dishonor" our authority and he will have to go and make his way his self.

Will he choose wisdom over folly? I hope so. I hope I do as well.

This sermon is awesome in my opinion! Watch Out for the Ladies (it's long but so worth it)

There’s a lady called Wisdom – she is magnificent, she is heart-captivating, she is beautiful, she is more precious than rubies, she is everything you need.  If you get her, you lack nothing.  So whatever else you get in life, get her – get Wisdom – embrace her, marry her.

Then there’s another lady called Folly.  She is loud and flashy and deceptive and seductive and deadly.  She is the original femme fatale.  If you get her you lose everything.

So avoid her, ignore her, resist her, don’t be seduced, don’t be ensnared by her.

So, my son, watch out for the ladies.  Embrace Wisdom, shun Folly.

This sermon is such a lesson and warning about life. I have read it several times and will continue to read it for sure.  Even printed it out in large print so I don't have to have internet--hahah!  Large print...oh my.

I would like to think this time is different.  Repentance and grief is definitely present. However, I don't know how long he will keep returning to this sin. Watching him be sick for days, weep, and verbally assault himself has not been fun. I would hope that would be enough to make him think more clearly next time. However, looking at myself...I know that I often return. Sad.

I also don't think he sees the relationship between small disobedience being as damaging, if not more so, than huge disobedience. We will be working on this. I fear though that if he hasn't gotten the lesson by now...I have tried to teach...I may have to stop trying and let the Lord show him. UGH!

So, I sit here at peace. With joy. With patience. With love. With goodness and perseverance.  With kindness, gentleness and self-control (though sadly, I didn't show this at the time of confession). Trusting that God will do what only HE can do in us all.

I pray we will all choose righteousness above all else.

Health Update

June 2012

Well, after several more neurologist visits, ob/gyn visits and primary care visits, mostly with LOTS of tears, I am still the same.

• I am weak & numb on my entire left side--head to toe--only a 1 on a scale of 1-10, so it's minor, but annoying.
• I have debilitating migraines monthly sometimes (thanks to hormones bi-monthly)
• Visual impairments that comes and goes depending on headache
• Little sparkly twinkles in my vision before a migraine
• numbness and tingling that worsens when a migraine is imminent
• persistent, never stopping, tinnitus (ringing in my ears) that seeks to send me to the looney bin
• breakthrough bleeding (thanks hormones that is my favorite {sarcasm intended})
• and more but I am tiring of thinking about it all.

When asked "if there are any patients like me that are numb on their left side for months with no improvement, what does it mean?" my neurologist explained "well, when we have stroke symptoms that don't resolve...we know MRI's can only show so much" leaving me to believe what he didn't actually speak...but I had known all along...I had another stroke.

For the story of what happened click: HERE

They have now put me on hormone replacement therapy to try to stop the menstrual migraines; however, I know have a whole new slew of symptoms that are almost worse than the alternative.

I am so beside myself with what to do. 

Who can help?

My primary wants me to go back to the Ob/GYN and start over there. UGH!

Did I mention we don't have insurance?

Did I mention that this has caused depression to rear it's ugly head again?

Did I mention that when I get a migraine, I really can't take typical migraine medication because a side effect is stroke?

I am on so much medication and supplements that it is ridiculous.

I am sorry if this sounds a little discouraging but that sort of the season I am in.  

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 HCSB)

I don't feel it...but I believe it!

I know that this is not my forever...and I am okay if I just lose a few days a month to migraine.  My daily sufferings are minor in comparison. So many stroke survivors deal with so much worse.

Onward to more physicians...hopefully answers. If none, then I will take comfort that I tried. 

One Year Later

One year ago today, my cousin came to live with us bringing this precious, young man. She left 69 days later. He remains. No idea what my future holds, but I know who holds my future (and his).



 

The crazy thing was that the Lord had already been preparing our family for foster care for quite sometime.  We had even gone to local classes to introduce the "rules" and see if it was right.  Our best friends were pursuing adoption; we knew we were called to foster.

We were not able to foster at the time...but look what God did! He did it anyway. In a way we would have never expected.

It has been a roller coaster, heart wrenching, love enthralling, sacrificial, toddler learning year but God is good! 

What a joy this young man is. 

Pray for his parent's. Pray for us. Pray for the boy of goodness!

Covenant

Get your tissues and watch this story...truly a picture of God's grace. What is the commitment of the person you are married to? Or the person you want to marry?

Pause

I wish there was a pause button, where I could pause everyone else and catch up. I am so tired of running behind, being behind and being a behind that I don't know what to do.

Kony 2012

I am having trouble (confused with excitement) over the social media attention of- KONY 2012. I am grateful so many well intentioned folks are caring about what goes on in Africa. Be sure to watch. However, there is more to the story for sure.  While watching I felt like they weren't telling the WHOLE story.

Many who know me KNOW that Invisible Children is what God used to turn my eyes toward Uganda in 2006.  Many know of my passion for Africa! So it is no surprise that people are sharing with me.

As I saw so many posting I knew I had to watch the video. Then I saw a post that jumped out at me! I felt the Spirit prompting, I read.

This article (listed below under Visible Children it was called: We Got Trouble) yesterday that sort of brought to light some of why I feel "disenchanted" with Invisible Children. While it in no way sums up my feelings it sort of helps explain.

Then KATIE DAVIS (my favorite missionary to Uganda) hit the nail on the head:

"social justice without the Gospel message is no justice at all. what if we all focused less on being heroes and more on getting the good news of the love of Jesus Christ to the people of East Africa and the world." from facebook 3-7-2012

It looks like tons of stuff has happened since I read the article because there are all sorts of posts added and rebuttals from Invisible Children so read for yourself. 


So many of my friends were posting and sharing KONY 2012 on facebook.  I wondered how I could not share what was on my heart.  I was thinking HOW DO I SWIM UPSTREAM?! I prayed! I prayed some more! I did what I usually do, be silent.

Then, Michelle Palmer, also a missionary who formerly lived in Uganda wrote this:

SO many beautiful people with good intentions sharing KONY 2012. I love that folks are turned towards my sweet Uganda.

Kony must be stopped. I agree! I'm afraid this situation is more complex than an internet campaign. That being said, besides prayer I do not know the answer.

Consider reading the link to get the facts. Inform yourselves then go as the Father leads and join me on your knees.

Mercy, Jesus! Rescue Father. Rescue those who are being oppressed, who live in fear of the LRA. Send your angels to surround, protect and comfort your sweet children. Bring Justice.-Amen

She shared the article again and more:

VISIBLE CHILDREN: http://visiblechildren.tumblr.com.nyud.net/

Please read it---here is a brief excerpt---

Still, the bulk of Invisible Children’s spending isn’t on supporting African militias, but on awareness and filmmaking. Which can be great, except that Foreign Affairs has claimed that Invisible Children (among others) “manipulates facts for strategic purposes, exaggerating the scale of LRA abductions and murders and emphasizing the LRA’s use of innocent children as soldiers, and portraying Kony — a brutal man, to be sure — as uniquely awful, a Kurtz-like embodiment of evil.” He’s certainly evil, but exaggeration and manipulation to capture the public eye is unproductive, unprofessional and dishonest.

Here is another: Guest post: Joseph Kony is not in Uganda (and other complicated things)

Coming back to the "Kony 2012" video and its celebrity endorsements, what are the consequences of unleashing so many exuberant activists armed with so few facts? Defining Uganda in the international conversation by issues that are either geographical misfires (Save northern Uganda!) or an intentional attempt to distract the international community (Death to the gays!), do a disservice to the many critical problems Uganda has. 

I share this stuff to simply say: THERE ARE MULTIPLE SIDES TO EVERY STORY!

My bottom line-Invisible Children is not a JESUS bringing mission! Social justice with no gospel message is NO justice!

I don't know what any of this means for me as I am currently doing little to nothing for the mission I feel passionate about so for God sake don't take my word for anything.  I just had to get my thoughts out.

A sinner, saved by GRACE!

JP~Beautiful Mess


*************************************
3-13-12 Controversy still abounds. I find myself truly on neither side-nor against either side. Just on Jesus' side trying to hold on tight.  Here are a few more posts that have been interesting:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/current-events/op-ed-blog/28573-is-kony-2012-good-or-bad

http://james127family.blogspot.com/2012/03/breaking-silence-to-defend-our-friends.html

If Not Us...Then Who?

I read this article. It is not for the faint of heart. I recommend you pray about whether you read it or not first.

Because if you read it, you are responsible to do something about it.

Proverbs 24:12 tells us, "Once our eyes are opened we cannot pretend we do not know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows we know and holds us responsible to act."

What we "do" is between us and God. I ask for prayer specifically because I feel I MUST do something. Maybe my something is sharing it. Maybe it's more.


http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2012/02/if-not-usthen-who.html

My Funny Valentine

 

This morning was filled with TONS of laughter!  My husband, as usual, surprised me with remembering Valentines Day. Each year, I think he's forgotten, each year he remembers.  Shocker! Oh me of little faith.

Well, imagine his surprise when my son took the candy placed my my card and put it with his Valentine to me. HAHA! 

Son also wrote: "The candy was my idea XOXOXo

I love you more than dad does XOXO"

WELL, Hubby sent SON this video for his Valentine!

 My boys always make life HILARIOUS!



 A few other memories!

 Here is what I made hubby!

Declan made Valentines to share!

The grands made this for their daddy!

and while this isn't my Valentine-I am excited!
Expected July/Aug 2012

Tonight I am making steaks and potatoes! (I hope I remember to take a pic)