James: Mercy Triumphs

I am not sure about you, but for me, I have not felt like I am who I am lately.

Reading that last sentence to check for punctuation, I was struck by I AM WHO I AM.

I Am that I Am (Hebrew: אֶהְיֶה אֲשֶׁר אֶהְיֶה‎, pronounced Ehyeh asher ehyeh [ʔehˈje ʔaˈʃer ʔehˈje]) is a common English translation (JPS among others) of the response God used in the Hebrew Bible when Moses asked for his name (Exodus 3:14). It is one of the most famous verses in the Torah. Hayah means "existed" or "was" in Hebrew; "ehyeh" is the first person singular imperfect form and is usually translated in English Bibles as "I will be" (or "I shall be"), for example, at Exodus 3:12. Ehyeh asher ehyeh is generally interpreted to mean I am that I am, though it can also be translated as "I-shall-be that I-shall-be."^[1]
In revealing his mysterious name, YHWH ("I AM HE WHO IS", "I AM WHO AM" or "I AM WHO I AM"), God says who he is and by what name he is to be called. This divine name is mysterious just as God is mystery. It is at once a name revealed and something like the refusal of a name, and hence it better expresses God as what he is - infinitely above everything that we can understand or say: he is the "hidden God", his name is ineffable, and he is the God who makes himself close to men.

 In writing the first sentence...I didn't mean it like that but I do NOW :) Sort of.

See, I have been wrestling the with Lord, with myself.  I still am actually. 

I am not happy with so many things write now.  Most are things I can't really do anything about, but some ARE things I can do something about and I have just chosen not to for so long it's hard to know how to start again.

Well I have started a study with a group of ladies and I am so excited. 

I use this blog, one as a means of telling others about what's going on, secondly as a way that others will know what happened in my life after the fact, {whipering}when I am d-e-a-d. 



So, it's important to me to tell the story.

So, I have a junk email. It was my original email that turned into junk form giving out the address so many times.  Now it has over 9, 000 (I checked to make sure I wasn't exaggerating).  I occasionally go into that box to look for an expected email...well one day I saw the unexpected email. While the Vatican would not constitute this a miracle--it was of sorts.  LOL! 

In an email---I had been invited to join a group of ladies in the Beth Moore bible study of James. 

Every time something HUGE has happened in my life, it can be linked in some way to a season of deep intense bible study.  It is not anything magical. It's biblical.

Fast Forward...So I am going through the study. Committed to be ready for the Lord to speak to me. Though I wasn't sure if He would [wink, wink].

It happened 1-22-12, Week 2 Day 2 of the study.  The Lord knows I love patterns ;)

While I will not bore you with all the specifics I will say it was like everything I studied I would write notes in the margin and then the notes I wrote would tie right in to the very next thing she would teach.  Maybe it's just coincidence but the Lord uses coincidence ;)

One thing I wrote was: "Oh Lord I am so thankful that you take the time, when I am flailing like a two year old not wiling to make eye contact, and steady my head, lift it and force me to look at you face." 

Then the next sentence said-I do not lie- "You are gazing in the face of a solid-gold assurance" pg. 50


Ok I realized upon reading--it doesn't sound near as exciting because that moment had been building up and it was MY moment....but I had to tell you about it.

This short update has become wordy and I must get on with my day.  However, if you are looking for something juicy and good!  Try this study!

Here is a link with a video, and sample texts:
http://www.lifeway.com/James-Mercy-Triumphs/c/N-1z10gpu

I also am going to facilitate this study in my home on Tuesday nights beginning in February. 

Please pray. Thank you so much!

I am feeling much more like I am ;)

"Have mercy on us, O Lord, have mercy on us, for we have endured much contempt." Psalm 123:3

Week two of my study was met with a lack luster attempt at obedience. Not sure why, that was just how it was. There was another moment though. A moment where I was just clicking along doing my bible study and for two days studying a particular Psalm and then on the final day when asked to reread it and write it in my own words felt like I was "kicked in the gut" by the Holy Spirit. A holy kicking in the gut!

Timing is everything. I have told the ladies in the bible study that if you answer a question "wrong"-meaning you took the question differently than others or read one thing and answered another-so what! This is an intimate study between you and God and whatever God is doing in that moment "go with that". So, I often do not take my own advice and was frustrated with myself because I was behind several days. Behind in my timing, right on time by God's.

The evening before I was graced at bedtime with arguing siblings. For the life of me I can not understand why they can not show more love for one another. My daughter (19yr) can have no mercy on my son (14yr) at times. She expects perfection and is ready to tell him at any given moment his every fault. She does not "consider" him; whether it is his feelings, his intentions, or time with him-little consideration is given. My son does not handle his attention seeking appropriately and provokes his sister to give him negative attention which is better than no attention at all. He is a button pusher and he has her figured out. Though he desires her affection and attention he does everything within his power to aggravate the snot out of her and make her want to hurt him. The house can be peaceful and fun then put the two of them in the room together and the mojo changes the entire family. It truly breaks my heart. Mostly because I know it breaks the heart of God and I feel helpless at changing it. Guilt, manipulation, ridicule, tears, nothing has working. I mockingly say these fruits of the spirit are rotten-no wonder!

So, there I am at the breakfast table the next morning doing my bible study on Psalm 123. Beth Moore does such a great job of bringing to light the heart of God's word and making it so palatable I can't eat enough.

This is a huge lesson I learned: "Disrespect is not the same as disagreement. We can strongly disagree and still treat people with respect. Disrespect devalues them. We can disrespect people in the way we talk to them or refuse to talk to them. Someone can say all the right things yet have a tone, expression, or manner the exudes disrespect. We can be disrespectful in the way we look at the person talking to us or even more disrespectful in our refusal to look. Disrespect is treating someone as inferior or simply not worth the courtesy. In a nutshell, it is the disregard of innate human value." Moore, B (2007). Stepping up: a journey through the Psalms of Ascent. Nashville, TN: LifeWay Press

Disrespect-this is the sin in our house! I was so excited at what God was illuminating for me. I proceed with my lesson eating up what God is showing me. Then at the end we go back a reread the scripture:

Psalm 123
I lift my eyes to You, the One enthroned in heaven.
Like a servant's eyes on His master's hand,
like a servant girl's eyes on her mistress's hand,
so our eyes are on the LORD our God
until He shows us favor.
Show us favor, LORD, show us favor,
for we've had more than enough contempt.
We've had more than enough
scorn from the arrogant
and contempt from the proud.

Our intent is to reread the Psalm we have studied for two days so we can rewrite it in our own words. Rereading it my shoulders sink, I begin to feel nauseated It hits me! {Insert holy kick in the gut here} I am too crushed to rewrite it in my own words this is the best I could muster- I write: "Ugh! I am crushed. Looking back on it {the Psalm} I see my daughter looking to my hands-copying me. and then seeing what she does to her brother and father-only what I have done before her. {Weeping} Have MERCY Oh God! I am so sorry. Please forgive me. God help me set it right. Everything minus Brit equals me. Ahh!"

These are words that lack the full extent of the brokenness of my heart at the time. I believe when confronted full faced with our sin no words can fully express the grief, but the Spirit takes that and makes something beautiful. God shows us mercy! The same theme continues-I can't change anyone but myself. I am trying to recognize my displays of disrespect. I pray i am found faithful so that my children can see their sin and have mercy as God has shown them mercy.

Living in a moment

Have you ever just had a "moment?" A moment that in the moment felt like just any regular moment; then, BAM, a light is switched on and/or something unsuspected happens and it is A MO-MENT! Praise God! A significant, life moment. No? You haven't? Of course you have! God is using this bible study I am doing to wreck me moment by moment. Praise God for moments like this:

In God's economy up is down. I have said of these last days in my journey with God I picture life like a "house of mirrors;" everything is an illusion. Good may be bad, bad may be good, beautiful may be beautiful or possibly ugly. Trust nothing that makes sense!

I have struggled the last two days with serious issues and ugliness and questions. I am trying hard not to snap back into "who I am." When asked the question: "What scares you most about your next adventure with Him?" Answered truthfully: me. I am so good at prettying things up. Acting how I know I should. Trying to do the right thing. Ugh! But I know I have this ugliness in my heart. All these questions. Anger! Doubt! Fear. "These things are not of God; I might have said to myself. What if they were? Rather than stopping being ugly because it is not the right thing to do-I have tried to stay ugly. Really figure out what it is, why do I feel this way? and I am NOT going to ignore it. Last night, no lie, these were my words: I want to cuss, I am so angry, I want to throw things, smash things, I could go in the kitchen and break dishes and feel goouuuhhood about it. My husband acted as if he hadn't heard me (I wouldn't doubt in warfare if he hadn't) but I felt ignored, tossed aside, like he didn't care that I could implode at any moment. What was I so angry about? Everything and nothing at the same time. Just and inward boiling. I awoke. Trent prayed over me, sweet encouraging words and all I could do was inwardly argue and think what if this is who I really am, what if I am never nice again? Will you still be the right kind of husband if I am NEVER the right kind of wife, will you stay on this path with God, surrendered if I go off the deep end? My turn to pray. I could really only say-Help me be real. I am so sorry. Honest.

Fast forward. Face down before God. A word came into my head. REBELLIOUS! I was humbled. I had been so angry at everyone in my world for their rebellious nature and look at their model! Ugh! I was sick. Mostly in a very humbled way. Now this was not some long spiritualized moment, merely seconds. Then I, feeling divinely inspired, decided I would put this word before my eyes to remind me of who I REALLY am. So I got up and went to my desk and took a red marker and began to write the word "R-e-b-e-l... wait I better check my spelling... OK 2 l's...l-i-o-u-s" I look down at my sign and my heart sinks! I wrote the WRONG word! Ugh! I wrote REBELLIONS! Are you kidding me. Red hot frustration flushed over me as I picked up the pen to correct my error; thoroughly pleased (sarcasm intended) that I would now have to walk around with red marker and now a scribbled correction further proving not only am I rebellious but an screw-up as well. In a moment... just a second, no less, the Spirit of God within me prompted me: "look again". Wait... what does it say? Wow! A word I penned with my very own hand, inspired of God, something I double checked, then wrote with confidence, and how quickly my heart sunk when things were not what I thought-then they soared because all along I HAD written REBELLIOUS but look things are not always as they appear. In a moment God showed me I can deceive myself with my very own hand and eyes. Soaring because He took a moment to teach me a lesson and I gave Him the moment to do it. There are rebellions because I am rebellious. The change in those I love starts and will only be fully recognized once there is a change in me. What hope do I have to offer the rebellious if i am still living out daily the sin of rebellion? I WANT hope, for God's sake, so I can give hope. Well, recognizing I am rebellious was a step on this pilgrimage toward "Stepping Up" with God in.

It was a high that lasted but a moment. A moment well worth it. A significant moment in what seemed like an insignificant morning. What in your life is not what it appears? Who are you deceiving? Yourself? Can you give God a moment? He'll show you great things.

Psalm 120 (Holman Christian Standard Bible)

A Cry for Truth and Peace
A song of ascents.

In my distress I called to the LORD, and He answered me:
"LORD, deliver me from lying lips and a deceitful tongue."
What will He give you, and what will He do to you, you deceitful tongue?
A warrior's sharp arrows, with burning charcoal!
What misery that I have stayed in Meshech, that I have lived among the tents of Kedar!
I have lived too long with those who hate peace.
I am for peace; but when I speak, they are for war.

Step it Up a Notch!

Beth Moore, an enigma to me once. A woman I heard Kim and Melissa speak of with awe and honor. These women where different from any other Christians I had known. I wanted what these women had and if they had Beth Moore I wanted Beth Moore too. Through a fortunate (another interesting moment if you know of the Mayerlen string that runs through our life) turn of events B (trying not to use full first and last names to protect our identity-ha!) could not use her tickets and I got to go in her place. I don't remember all the details that had to work out for me to go-miracles no less! but I went. Many of you know pieces of that testimony but my favorite is: my DNA is forever on the floor of that church as tears and snot poured as rivers of living water overflowed from my "dry and dusty land." I'd say that marks the beginning of a journey of faith and obedience as the Spirit put me on tracks with Him so that I could not escape the path the changed my life. That was May, 2002.

The Polk's were on the move, literally, a move out of state to the "mission" field of beautiful Charleston, South Carolina. Trent had already moved to prepare for our arrival. I had to stay and pack our house. I did not think I would be able to go to the Beth Moore event because it was the weekend we were leaving town. Not sure who, but I am sure it was Kim (she is the genius of the group) came up with a plan. U-Hauls had to be loaded, but did I have to load them-nope! I packed the house and left everything ready to load. I left early Friday morning and went to North Carolina with the ladies listed below to return late Saturday night, to an empty house, loaded trucks and a sleeping family. We awoke, walked through our empty house, loaded the last of our things and went to Mosaic church and left for south kakalaky right after.

Kim, Barbara K, Karyn, Margie, Peggy, Kristine, Mellisa, Ashley Mc, Jennifer R, Joan, Crystal and lil ole me. We were off to see a mentor and friend. I now called her Beth and knew her personally (ha! joking-but that was how I felt). She said God gave her a message and that it was for THIS GROUP OF WOMEN. I thought, you say that to all the events... Knowing Beth so intimately as I did, I knew she was a woman of her word. Just in case though: I'd trust God that even if she was making it up-He wasn't and I would pay attention. She talked about the Psalms of Ascent and that we had a journey before us and at he end we would be at the next level with God (very summarized version) I started my Psalms of Ascent homework-but never finished. It wasn't doing anything for me. I was so excited for everything God had. I was on top of the world. Ready for change. Ready for what God had. Until it got hard, lonely, depressing and not what I expected at all. That was June, 2005.

What came between then and now? Much in the life of our family... growth, new eyes to see a world out of church, a dream unravel, deception, abuse, loneliness, abandonment, new life, depression, a return to Jacksonville, FL only 8 months later, no home, no job, then new business, provision, adultery, bringing up past hurt, church division, darkness, suicidal thoughts, healing, changes, financial blessing, new home, restoration, hope, financial hardships, marriage proposals, complacency (just to name a few things) .

So, praise God for a God who brings things full circle. Full circle? you ask. Yes! So, out comes this little study called "Stepping Up" a journey through the Psalms of Ascent by, none other than my friend, Beth Moore. I'll share here and there highlights along this journey.

The most exciting thing for me is timing. God's to be exact. He pretty much forced me to come out of hiding and confess who I really have been through this season of sin. Sin is such a strong word yet completely an understatement. When you are living your nice little life in a good way with God-it can be sin. I was not surrendered, and I knew it. I was not honoring my husband, and I knew it. I was not loving people the way God desires, and I knew it. I was not training my children, and I knew it. I was not being the best friend, and I knew it. I was spending money we didn't have, and I knew it. The best part is, my husband was convicted and we are on the same page and I am ready to do what God wants. not that it will be easy, warfare is fierce! But, this is the beginning. I am stepping up!

A Prayer To Share

A Healing Captive
from Breaking Free by Beth Moore (I think...-I got this from a friend)

O, God, Who frees the captive
do not liberate this carnal slave for freedom's sake.
For I will surely wing my flight to another thorny land.
Break instead, each evil bond
and rub my swollen wrists,
Then take me prisoner to your will
Enslaved in your safekeeping.

O, God, Who ushers light into the darkness,
Do not release me to the light
to only see myself.
Cast the light of my liberation upon your face
and be Thou my vision.
Do not hand me over
to the quest of greater knowledge.
Make your word a lamp unto my feet
and a light unto my path
And lead me to your dwelling.

O, God, Who lifts the grieving head,
Blow away the ashes
But let your gentle hand upon my brow
be my only crown of beauty.
Comfort me so deeply,
My healer,
that I seek no other comfort.

O, God, Who loves the human soul
too much to let it go,
So thoroughly impose Yourself
into the heaps and depths of my life
that nothing remains undisturbed.
Plow this life, Lord,
Until everything You overturn
Becomes a fertile soil,
Then plant me, O, God
In the vast plain of your love.
Grow me, strengthen me,
And do not lift your pressing hand
Until it can boastfully unveil
A display of your splendor.