In God's economy up is down. I have said of these last days in my journey with God I picture life like a "house of mirrors;" everything is an illusion. Good may be bad, bad may be good, beautiful may be beautiful or possibly ugly. Trust nothing that makes sense!
I have struggled the last two days with serious issues and ugliness and questions. I am trying hard not to snap back into "who I am." When asked the question: "What scares you most about your next adventure with Him?" Answered truthfully: me. I am so good at prettying things up. Acting how I know I should. Trying to do the right thing. Ugh! But I know I have this ugliness in my heart. All these questions. Anger! Doubt! Fear. "These things are not of God; I might have said to myself. What if they were? Rather than stopping being ugly because it is not the right thing to do-I have tried to stay ugly. Really figure out what it is, why do I feel this way? and I am NOT going to ignore it. Last night, no lie, these were my words: I want to cuss, I am so angry, I want to throw things, smash things, I could go in the kitchen and break dishes and feel goouuuhhood about it. My husband acted as if he hadn't heard me (I wouldn't doubt in warfare if he hadn't) but I felt ignored, tossed aside, like he didn't care that I could implode at any moment. What was I so angry about? Everything and nothing at the same time. Just and inward boiling. I awoke. Trent prayed over me, sweet encouraging words and all I could do was inwardly argue and think what if this is who I really am, what if I am never nice again? Will you still be the right kind of husband if I am NEVER the right kind of wife, will you stay on this path with God, surrendered if I go off the deep end? My turn to pray. I could really only say-Help me be real. I am so sorry. Honest.
Fast forward. Face down before God. A word came into my head. REBELLIOUS! I was humbled. I had been so angry at everyone in my world for their rebellious nature and look at their model! Ugh! I was sick. Mostly in a very humbled way. Now this was not some long spiritualized moment, merely seconds. Then I, feeling divinely inspired, decided I would put this word before my eyes to remind me of who I REALLY am. So I got up and went to my desk and took a red marker and began to write the word "R-e-b-e-l... wait I better check my spelling... OK 2 l's...l-i-o-u-s" I look down at my sign and my heart sinks! I wrote the WRONG word! Ugh! I wrote REBELLIONS! Are you kidding me. Red hot frustration flushed over me as I picked up the pen to correct my error; thoroughly pleased (sarcasm intended) that I would now have to walk around with red marker and now a scribbled correction further proving not only am I rebellious but an screw-up as well. In a moment... just a second, no less, the Spirit of God within me prompted me: "look again". Wait... what does it say? Wow! A word I penned with my very own hand, inspired of God, something I double checked, then wrote with confidence, and how quickly my heart sunk when things were not what I thought-then they soared because all along I HAD written REBELLIOUS but look things are not always as they appear. In a moment God showed me I can deceive myself with my very own hand and eyes. Soaring because He took a moment to teach me a lesson and I gave Him the moment to do it. There are rebellions because I am rebellious. The change in those I love starts and will only be fully recognized once there is a change in me. What hope do I have to offer the rebellious if i am still living out daily the sin of rebellion? I WANT hope, for God's sake, so I can give hope. Well, recognizing I am rebellious was a step on this pilgrimage toward "Stepping Up" with God in.
A Cry for Truth and Peace
A song of ascents.
"LORD, deliver me from lying lips and a deceitful tongue."
What will He give you, and what will He do to you, you deceitful tongue?
A warrior's sharp arrows, with burning charcoal!
What misery that I have stayed in Meshech, that I have lived among the tents of Kedar!
I have lived too long with those who hate peace.
I am for peace; but when I speak, they are for war.