Week two of my study was met with a lack luster attempt at obedience. Not sure why, that was just how it was. There was another moment though. A moment where I was just clicking along doing my bible study and for two days studying a particular Psalm and then on the final day when asked to reread it and write it in my own words felt like I was "kicked in the gut" by the Holy Spirit. A holy kicking in the gut!

Timing is everything. I have told the ladies in the bible study that if you answer a question "wrong"-meaning you took the question differently than others or read one thing and answered another-so what! This is an intimate study between you and God and whatever God is doing in that moment "go with that". So, I often do not take my own advice and was frustrated with myself because I was behind several days. Behind in my timing, right on time by God's.

The evening before I was graced at bedtime with arguing siblings. For the life of me I can not understand why they can not show more love for one another. My daughter (19yr) can have no mercy on my son (14yr) at times. She expects perfection and is ready to tell him at any given moment his every fault. She does not "consider" him; whether it is his feelings, his intentions, or time with him-little consideration is given. My son does not handle his attention seeking appropriately and provokes his sister to give him negative attention which is better than no attention at all. He is a button pusher and he has her figured out. Though he desires her affection and attention he does everything within his power to aggravate the snot out of her and make her want to hurt him. The house can be peaceful and fun then put the two of them in the room together and the mojo changes the entire family. It truly breaks my heart. Mostly because I know it breaks the heart of God and I feel helpless at changing it. Guilt, manipulation, ridicule, tears, nothing has working. I mockingly say these fruits of the spirit are rotten-no wonder!

So, there I am at the breakfast table the next morning doing my bible study on Psalm 123. Beth Moore does such a great job of bringing to light the heart of God's word and making it so palatable I can't eat enough.

This is a huge lesson I learned: "Disrespect is not the same as disagreement. We can strongly disagree and still treat people with respect. Disrespect devalues them. We can disrespect people in the way we talk to them or refuse to talk to them. Someone can say all the right things yet have a tone, expression, or manner the exudes disrespect. We can be disrespectful in the way we look at the person talking to us or even more disrespectful in our refusal to look. Disrespect is treating someone as inferior or simply not worth the courtesy. In a nutshell, it is the disregard of innate human value." Moore, B (2007). Stepping up: a journey through the Psalms of Ascent. Nashville, TN: LifeWay Press

Disrespect-this is the sin in our house! I was so excited at what God was illuminating for me. I proceed with my lesson eating up what God is showing me. Then at the end we go back a reread the scripture:

Psalm 123
I lift my eyes to You, the One enthroned in heaven.
Like a servant's eyes on His master's hand,
like a servant girl's eyes on her mistress's hand,
so our eyes are on the LORD our God
until He shows us favor.
Show us favor, LORD, show us favor,
for we've had more than enough contempt.
We've had more than enough
scorn from the arrogant
and contempt from the proud.

Our intent is to reread the Psalm we have studied for two days so we can rewrite it in our own words. Rereading it my shoulders sink, I begin to feel nauseated
It hits me! {Insert holy kick in the gut here} I am too crushed to rewrite it in my own words this is the best I could muster- I write: "Ugh! I am crushed. Looking back on it {the Psalm} I see my daughter looking to my hands-copying me. and then seeing what she does to her brother and father-only what I have done before her. {Weeping} Have MERCY Oh God! I am so sorry. Please forgive me. God help me set it right. Everything minus Brit equals me. Ahh!"

These are words that lack the full extent of the brokenness of my heart at the time. I believe when confronted full faced with our sin no words can fully express the grief, but the Spirit takes that and makes something beautiful. God shows us mercy! The same theme continues-I can't change anyone but myself. I am trying to recognize my displays of disrespect. I pray i am found faithful so that my children can see their sin and have mercy as God has shown them mercy.


Lavender & Fireflies said...

It's always amazing how God moves and works in our lives. No matter how long you've walked with Him, no matter how many times He's delivered us or revealed His will to us, it NEVER loses its "shock and awe" as we are once again reminded of the sovreignty and might of our Lord! I'm so glad we're going through this together, though, on different but very PARALLEL paths! I love you!