Christmas Reflections

Photo not from the year in question,
but sadly this is one of the few photos
I have with my beloved grandmother

Perspectives on memories change as you get older.  You’re able to reflect back on memories and maybe see them from a different perspective. 

This weekend I was thinking about how I did NOT want to decorate for Christmas.  I am just SO overwhelmed the thought of dealing with decorating and undecorating brings more dread than joy.  I thought “if my grandkids came and saw my house with “no Christmas” how that may feel…” that sparked a little incentive because I don’t think they’d be happy.

I then had a flash back to a memory-very clear, of when it was Christmas Eve and my grandmother hadn’t decorated.  I remember her dragging out the boxes and tree with me there full of excitement. I remember my grandpa wasn’t there, I believe she said he was traveling for work.  I remember my grandma seemed distant, not at all excited by the gold mini instrument ornaments that I pretended to play.  Not happy about the bubbling lights or tinsel. She forced joy as she puffed on her Pall Malls and feigned excitement.  I remember not understanding at all how she was sad during such a magical time. 

It was the beginning of the holidays without Grandpa there. Later his affair came to light, though I didn’t know that was what it was called; introducing me to “his friend” on a visit where he took me Sea World. He took me to his “friends” house but I clearly saw him cover our last name on the front door.    

Thinking of that Christmas nearly 40 years ago, I don’t know if my grandmother found the will on her own or if she was encouraged by her daughters to do Christmas anyway. I don’t know if she knew yet, or just anticipated doom in her marriage.  I don’t know if my mother and aunt knew anything. I know as a kid I was oblivious and seemingly didn’t need answers.   Looking back now, a bit depressed myself and struggling, I see she did it for me but hope she found something for herself. 

Still so much from my childhood is unanswered.  So many unnecessary mysteries. No one in my family talked. I know that all this lack of communication in my family has caused me to be an over communicator.  I believe kids are way more sensitive to what is going on than we think. While I didn’t need to know WHAT, it might have helped to know THAT something was making her sad.

I know that I will find the will to decorate because sometimes you just have to do it and you’ll feel better. I'm also grateful I am not facing an affair and this is just a low time. I know that I have 9 excited grandkids that will be expectantly waiting to see the tree with their ornaments on it! 

I know this isn't a delightful Christmas tale. I have rather blubbered through the days with these mess of reflections.  I am thankful I took the time to do so because I feel a lot of gratitude for my family and all the beautiful messes!