So, I want to start blogging regularly. Those of you that do, I admire you!

There is so much I want to write but I thought I'd start with kind of where I am right now.

It has been a struggle since we moved to South Carolina, not that there weren't struggles before; but I was able to be distracted by many things and not ultimately deal with the issues. I have had to be totally alone with God and that has been amazing. Not to say I haven't thrown some baby fits, I have.

(Warning-I am probably NOT talking about you-so don't read too much into what I am saying) One of my largest battles has been over the change in friendships. It is amazing to me how people we spent a lot of our life with, once we are locationally challenged have presently no contact with us. I have written and left messages with very little return response. I was very hurt for a while but God with His ultimate mercy has allowed me to see the bigger picture (though what I am sharing with you is my small picture). One, appreciate the past-but don't live there; Two, He will cut off that which isn't producing fruit in my life-eternal kind. Three, people are busy and it really isn't personal. Four, He has the people in my life I need in my life-including some of you! I was very insecure about this hurt thinking that "our friendship must have been a lie" and many other whisperer lies. But God Himself has written on my heart His truth. Thankfully I am beginning to be okay.

Now the REAL heart issue that does still hurt is being away from those close friendships that are forever. My best-est friend in the whole world is pregnant and I feel a huge hole by not being able to be there. I am so sad to think of not being a regular part of this baby’s life. I can't talk about it any more because it is making my cry. And another best-est friend is going through a bunch of stuff right now and I want to just be able to go and hang out but ultimately know it is a friendship of sacrifice not convenience and that it will all be good! Most amazingly God has allowed a new precious friend to enter my life who I wasn't totally close to before I moved and now she is a rock in my life and I thank my God for her heart and present-ness in Jacksonville to be my eyes, ears, and heart and
minister to those I love. She has also selflessly listened to my ranting and held me steadfast to the truth. How amazing is my God!

Another struggle has been in taking over the business (for those that don't know-we moved hereto take over Trent's dad's company) not much I can really go into but let's just say it has NOT been what we expected---but we know God knew that-so Hey, we'll see. Please pray for us!!!

So that is basically all I feel I have time to share right now. Never mind, I feel led to share the poem God and I wrote together a few months ago-it is very personal but I have to be transparent: written 10-12-05 don’t copy this cause I will sue!!

My heart is filled with wonder,
Was it all a dream?
Were these brothers and sisters that grew so close
Not really what it seemed?

Vanishing so quickly,
But a faint memory,
Attempted correspondence
Brought heartache and misery.

Though I want to tell you,
I wish it were not so;
I wish that I could say
Expectations were not supposed.

I want to be the friend that
No matter what or how long
Will always be there
To help brothers and sisters along.

Lord please takes the hurt and expectations
And allow me to release
All the emotions that I 'm feeling
And place them at your feet.

Precious Lord, I know it would not please you
For me to hold on tight.
Heavenly Father, please release me!
I give up this no win fight.

The change me come in me, I know!
For I have learned you reap what you sow.
I know that in Your time
You will bring back these friends of mine.

Busy lives, hurried wives, churches to attend,
Ministry, family, dinners with their friends...

Pitiful, lonely, emotionally drained,
Overwhelmed, overcome with these feelings that remain...

This, Precious Lord,
Is not the way you would have me feel!
No, You would say...

Beautiful, satisfied, emotionally content,
Beloved, hearts desire, you are heaven sent...

On mission to the world, girl leave it all behind
For great is your reward if you keep one thing in mind.

I Am the one that sent you,
I know the path you take,
I Am the one that formed you,
and prepared you for this place.

It may not seem a place of honor,
but child I pay attention.
I know the things I have for you,
too many to even mention.

Do not lose heart my child
these things you want are not all wrong;
but they aren't my very best for you
it's time to move along.

Do not forget the past
and those friendships that you made.
They were a precious gift from me!
Don't let the memories fade.

Precious, you are one that's been content with what I give and take.
Give up this fight, you know in your heart the plans that I make
are not plans to harm you, make you feel lonely and afraid.
They're plans of a future and hope, not some emotional game that's played.

Dear one, do not be deceived into thinking you know what's right;
you know full well, I'm in control and you've lost another fight.
Fight not being the proper word, neither would be lost...
No, I would say...surrender, love and do not count the cost.

For My treasures are beyond comprehension,
My rewards not quantified,
My reason beyond understanding,
Your heart will be satisfied!

Faith to trust, Grace to love
and Peace you can't understand!
Hope to endure, Glory to shame,
and Joy beyond common man!

Oh Abba! how I thank You,
Your words they mean so much.
Your wisdom and understanding prove
You Are So Much More Than Enough!

Oh, how I love Your ways, Oh Lord!
Thank you for fresh fire,
God, You Are my Everlasting Hope,
my only Hearts Desire!

Though I feel like Job, only not having lost it all.
Only a few things, only a season, summer turned to fall.
Losing my sight is scary, the never ending headache, pretty rough.
Aches and pains a plenty, winter could be tough.

But You are ever with me!
Though I thought I needed the support of my friends,
what I truly needed was the Friend That Sticks Closer Than a Brother,
whose friendship never ends.

The End

Okay, there it is! It's all out there-I feel so OUT THERE! But it's all good. I also feel freedom in being and saying who I am. I'd like to say after this, and all God said to me! I had a clear understanding and began to heal-but NO, I had to hang onto it for awhile and chew on it-though I am sure that is not what my Abba wanted for me. But alas, here 4 months later I am finally beginning to get it!

I love you all. And for those of you who made it this far-Hey! Thanks for listening!

Love me!