November 6, 2007

What do you do when you're in deep emotional pain, and you're burned out on
That's how I was feeling when I wrote the following blog post:

Article from Relevant Magazine November 2007 pg. 44
by: Jim Palmer
Only excerpts-you'll have to read the whole thing yourself :)

Here's to all the walking those still carrying a little heartbroken boy or girl inside; to those who feel rejected and lonely; to those who woke up with a dull ache inside; to those who are wondering where God is in the midst of their deep pain; to those whose past wounds have been pulled open yet again; to those weary and worn out and longing for someplace to call home; to those in the darkness who can't seem to find the light; to those who wonder if they will ever find love; to those who feel misunderstood; to the abandoned and discarded; to those who feel they are running out of reasons to get out of bed each morning; to those in the clutches of depression; to those who are smiling on the outside but dying on the inside; to those suffering in silence. Here's to all the walking wounded.

There was a time when I sought after God because I wanted certain benefits of knowing him. Finally I had to face the diagnostic question "How's that working for you?" Well, it wasn't.

Jen's summation of a few paragraphs: more words... Revolutionary (ordinary) moment and God reveals to Jim-

I understood exactly what God was saying. What God was saying to me was, "Jim you're searching for it through life circumstances, human relationships, success, even through a set of Christian beliefs, practices, and principles about Me. You seek me because you want Me to give it to you. Jim, I am IT. I am Love. I am Life, I am Peace, I am Joy. I am Satisfaction. I am Freedom. It's not something I give; it's who I Am. I AM what you're looking for."

Jesus spoke the same truth when He said, "Seek first his kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matthew 6:33 TNIV) (Jen's life verse by the way) I missed the order Jesus intended. I was consumed with seeking love, acceptance, freedom, wholeness and worth my own way, hoping God would cooperate, instead of allowing love, acceptance, freedom, worth and value to be added to my life as a result of seeking God first. One of the most amazing realities of knowing God is finding that knowing is enough.

Jen sharing now...
Matthew 6: 31-34 Do Not Worry
So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Okay, so I know this! I really do. I claim to every person who will listen that I have LIVED this verse. I believe that I have. Why can't I this time? Why can't I wake up and desire God's delicious word instead of having hurt and heartbreak fill my stomach so much that I can't eat food. Why can't my thirst for righteousness want to be quenched over the desire for breathing in dust instead of life. I only want to talk through writing. Saying things out loud is as if each thought is one of those tiny capsules that when you place them in water they grow to be a big sponge dinosaur.

I am here for a reason. I am living this for a purpose bigger than myself. I am sorry if I am not appreciating that right now. My friends are an encouragement; but I can't even be totally honest with God and I am trying to simply seek Him. Unfortunately my life is continuing on around me. All I want to do is get to the bottom of this with God; yet, laundry needs washing, my son needs schooling, I should probably sort the mail and pay bills but all I want to do is sit alone and wait to hear from God. Sounds like good intentions-but they aren't. They are selfish unnecessary intentions-stopping life is a denial of God's power to work in and through me in the most ordinary of circumstances. Putting my life on hold is a very poor example to those who believe me to be a woman of faith-- look she is curled up in bed crying with this little trial. Oh! How I am torn.

Off to try to live and ordinary life in an extraordinary way. Walking wounded. love me

Job 23
Job Says He Longs for God
Then Job replied, "Even today my complaint is rebellion; His hand is heavy despite my groaning. "Oh that I knew where I might find Him, That I might come to His seat! "I would present my case before Him And fill my mouth with arguments. "I would learn the words which He would answer, And perceive what He would say to me. "Would He contend with me by the greatness of His power? No, surely He would pay attention to me. "There the upright would reason with Him; And I would be delivered forever from my Judge. "Behold, I go forward but He is not there, And backward, but I cannot perceive Him; When He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him; He turns on the right, I cannot see Him. "But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold. "My foot has held fast to His path; I have kept His way and not turned aside. "I have not departed from the command of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food. "But He is unique and who can turn Him? And what His soul desires, that He does. "For He performs what is appointed for me, And many such decrees are with Him. "Therefore, I would be dismayed at His presence; When I consider, I am terrified of Him. "It is God who has made my heart faint, And the Almighty who has dismayed me, But I am not silenced by the darkness, Nor deep gloom which covers me.