email sent to my church family

Family & Friends,

I thought I would take a minute and share since I haven't been present in most of your lives this week (maybe longer). It would be real easy to sit over here anonymous and alone. Somehow I think that would be what the enemy would want (mostly cause that's what he keeps trying to convince me of) but not God who called us to be one (Ephesians 4:3-5*). I am not really in the greatest place right now; however, that really depends on "perspective". I am trying to decide how willing I am to let God "do something heavenly" in me. I am a person that has dealt with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for many years. God has taken me through many levels of victory and defeat in those years. I will say the level of victory was truly dependent on my "surrender level". In God's economy down is the way up. It will never cease to baffle me. Therefore to win I must give up. Sounds easy but we all know it is not.

We have an enemy whose purpose is to take us out by whatever means necessary. Do you think the thoughts, fears, and hurts you are dealing with are "just you"? "Everyone else has it together" so you need to look, act, pretend like you have it together too. I share a peek at my struggle with you for the sole purpose of showing you I do not have it all together and I somehow hope that will give you all hope to be real and not have it together right alongside me. Unless, of course, I am the only one of us that doesn't have it together in which case you all must carry me through this :) jk. Funny how no matter how insecure or secure we feel we have a tinge "what if I am the only one that is screwed up?" Again, maybe it's just me.

I can honestly say I have felt this "need" for help and someone to help me through this and as great as you all are you are not what I need. Yes, I want you... but only God can give me what I truly need. Thankfully though, God did not leave me alone. He has made me part of His body and therefore I am never alone. But if I am allowing myself "to be" alone I am not functioning in the body. We need one another! As we collectively, with all our junk, go to the Father and decide to surrender we tap into the greatest source of strength in heaven and on earth (Ephesians 3:16-19**). The power becomes ours.

So, I share a song (video-below) with you. This song I have heard many times, even sang the chorus loudly in my car. Yet, this morning when a friend sent it to me with a testimony of what God was doing in her life, I LISTENED. I heard the song for the first time. It is the direction I am heading. Want to go? Surrender to something heavenly!

love me

*Ephesians 4:3-6 (New Living Translation)
Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all.

**Ephesians 3:16-19 (New Living Translation)
I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Video for song here:

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
Though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see
I'm giving in to something heavenly
Something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out


Laine said...

Jen, I love you dearly and am praying for you. While I am part of the collective "you" that is not needed by you but rather God is needed, know that God has placed you on my heart. I knew something was "up" and have been praying for you. You and I, connected by a spiritual umbilicus that only God understands - when your heart is broken so is mine. I love you and am continuing to pray for you! Love you - love me!