On the way to dinner all I could think is "IF I HAD ONLY A FEW HOURS TO LIVE HOW WOULD I SPEND THEM?"
It's amazing how a woman's brain works and here is a small peek at what I am willing to admit publicly about my crazy thoughts yesterday.
We had about a 10 minute drive to dinner-
"this could be the last time my kids get to spend with me"
Hunter, who was just making conversation, was commenting about how I take more pictures of Zeke and Declan than I ever did of him. I tried to explain that technology is different these days, and he dismissed me saying "you don't love me as much as them" He was just being silly...maybe a little serious, but he wasn't being mean...but it hurt! I said (not so nicely) aloud "that if we are really trying to make me feel bad let's start talking about homesechooling" and I began to cry silently thinking..."this may be the last conversation we have."
After crying I was looking for a napkin and we found one and I flipped down the visor mirror and caught a glimpse of what I looked like; I thought: "Geesh I could have made myself cuter cause surely I will want Brit to take a picture with her Iphone (since my camera is dead-boo hoo) but man I look like crap, you would think if you were going out on your last night to be alive you would at least do your make up."
I was thinking that "on the way home I want to stop by Chris & Brittany's to see them and kiss the babies because what if I died. I would want them to know that I love them. I would want to laugh and smile with them one last time. I reasoned: it would be too late when we came home, the kids would be in bed, I didn't want to interrupt and really I am fine. But what IF?"
While at dinner-
We were with Brit & Clay, and a family friend Matt, I had a few thoughts-
"I should get something really good because this could be my last meal" "I really don't feel like eating...but if I go to the hospital the food will stink so I should eat something" "Do I want this to be my last meal" hahah I am telling you, at this point, I am really amusing myself with it all!
"Brit should take a picture, even though I look ugly, but I am embarrassed to ask, and I am just being ridiculous, so no I won't ask"
We had a very nice time. I love spending time with my family. Just a simple time of sweetness.
While leaving the restaurant, it was raining, Brit was going to wait on Clay to get the car he was handing her his drink and stuff and we were going to make a break for it...while making a break for it I got upset because I FORGOT I was about to die! As I was running in the rain was thinking "I should have hugged and kissed them goodbye. Man, should I run back, that might seem dumb, I mean I said I love you right, did I say I love you?, damn I could die and not hugged my daughter goodbye." I thought about crying but was too pissed at myself for letting the moment be missed!
We get home-
At this point my bestest, most greatest, sister-friend, in the whole-wide-world texts me to check on me and make sure I am still alive. We go back and forth about a few amusing things in life..that really aren't that amusing.
We are just doing normal things, being a normal family, and I am in bed when Hunter comes to, usually, tell me Goodnight. As he leaves I think..."I wish i would have trained him to kiss me every night" another missed moment.
Hubby comes to bed and I think "should I" ..."I mean it could be the last night I am alive." LOL
It's a new dawn, it's a new day! I am ALIVE! I sent this via text to the few that knew what was going on.
I go in to kiss my husband, hug him tight and I say "Look I'm alive. I'm fine. I am so glad I did not go to the hospital" he says "I am still not so sure that was the right decision and I think you probably should at least go to the doctor"
"But I feel fine!" "Famous last words" I think.
See yesterday I had a really scary experience. I am not sure what happened medically. Based on my description of the events I should "seek emergency medical attention." It didn't even explain anything--just SEEK EMERGENCY MEDICAL ATTENTION! I am not going to describe the event because that is not the point of the post.
I try to reason that maybe God is trying to remind me of something He taught me through my STROKE 3 years ago. I wanted to remind myself, and all 2 or my readers, that YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOUR TIME WILL BE!
We should consider the days. Moments. People! We are all going to die! 100% chance! Are you living the way you want to live?
"Since everything here today might well be gone tomorrow, do you see how essential it is to live a holy life? Daily expect the Day of God, eager for its arrival. The galaxies will burn up and the elements melt down that day—but we'll hardly notice. We'll be looking the other way, ready for the promised new heavens and the promised new earth, all landscaped with righteousness." 2 Peter 3:11-12 MSG 2 Peter 3 in contextI am going to call my doctor and try to live my life a lot more purposefully and intentionally than I have been living. Until I forget that I might be dying and the Lord reminds me again because I am slow!It seems to be a cycle.
If I haven't told you that I love you: I LOVE YOU!
If I haven't told you how much your friendship means to me: IT MEANS A LOT!
If I follow your blog, I probably read it a lot of times and don't comment: I'M SORRY!
YOU NEVER KNOW, THIS COULD BE THE LAST BLOG I'LL EVER WRITE!