I have to say, I have been struggling the past few days. Mightily.

It began a few days ago...we were looking through old pictures (from the last few years) on facebook, and I was thinner. Dun, dun, dun...and healthier.  I was sad looking back and thinking how different I am as a mom for Hunter than I was for Brittny.

Then yesterday, I was driving around, having a pity party thinking about what an absolute wretch I was 20 years ago.  I was thinking "What did he see in me?" Was it just about what he could get from me? Which, I might add, was not very difficult? Oh, the heartbreak when I think of how I disrespected myself, my mother, my mother-in-law.

Last night when hubby returned from fishing,  I was in bed with a headache; I had been thinking all day! You know he was not prepared for the barrage of "mess" that was about to come out of me. The tears, the heartbreak, the emotion and joy. God bless him.  He should never leave me unattended that long ;)

The questions began, the tears flowed, the confession of shame, the hope for better for my son, the wish for a different me, the health, the pity, the waste, the hope.

Leave it to Polk, shocker, to see the beauty of our life. What wonderful children we have, our home, our life, our grandchildren.  Who would have ever thought we would have it so good?  God did, that's who.Oh my word, I am overcome when I think of where the Lord has brought us in 20 years. Seriously over-come!

However...

I want how I feel now about who I was then to NOT be like who I will be later when I think about now.

Most days I try to press through. Some days I succumb to the weight of it all. I am grateful to have a life partner to help me find my way back to shore.

You are the beauty in me because of our Lord Jesus. Thank you for the past 20 yrs. our lives are like the seas; they are beautiful and comforting. They sooth and restore. They can be quiet and still. They can roar and be turbulent. The sea and all that is in it the Lord has blessed just as he has blessed us to be together. I Love You bigger that the seas and all they hold. Happy Anniversary ! ;-)

Trent Polk ~June 1, 2012
 

We were a HOT MESS 20 years ago!

I can't believe I am putting this on the internet!


When I think forward 20 years, if the Lord allows, I desire to be proud of my "self" 20 years ago. I don't want to be the sick lady. The fat lady. The bitchy, naggy, harpy lady (scary to read what proverbs has to say about this kind of women).

I want more. I want to be healthy. Even if I don't feel well at times, I want to be kind. I want to feel beautiful. I want to DO things. I want to shoot a gun. I want to white water raft. I want to see things. Go places. I don't want to stay holed up in my house feeling sorry for myself.

Date night= $25
Seeing yourself in the future=priceless
I have started changing things already...we will have to see what 20 years brings!

1 comments:

Laine said...

I LOVE this! As usual, we are in the same whiny, poor health, fluffy, I'm gonna shoot someone boat, AND have patient, loving men who manage to say the right things when it counts! I think that in 20 years we WILL be skinny, healthy, vibrant women and instead of being likened to the contentious women of Proverbs we'll be like Ruth, Esther, and maybe a little of Proverbs 31!