I am grateful for my blog, for times like this.
Almost a year later, reading the post I wrote about my son Aug 2011, reflecting. This blog will make more sense if you read that back story.
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I would have to say that sitting here today, I feel the EXACT same way; however you would have to take the sin and consequences of the sin up about 10 notches. (exact value not known-I just made that number up)
That is not a good feeling.
However I tell you I have more of a peace than I had in August of 2011. Weird huh?
Oh, I DON'T LIKE it! I am horrified, ashamed, saddened, heartbroken, and there are so many pieces of hurt that only the arms of Christ can hold them all.
It is SCARY to watch your son not walk in the WAY. Scarier still to look at yourself and your spouse and see you too are not walking in the WAY that is evident enough to even make your our own son desire righteousness above all else.
Church yesterday was AWESOME, seriously a message preached directly to our present situation. Leaving though, my son looked burdened. Hard to watch. A time when "just give it all to God, lay it at his feet..." is NOT an appropriate response. My husband explained that this isn't a "sweep it under the rug and forget about it kind of issue". We will deal. He will confess to whom it's necessary. Most of all I will love.
Later, while having lunch I asked him a question that had been weighing heavily on my mind "Are you His?" My husband went into a 45 minute sermon, tear jerk-er, self examination, brutally honest and raw, and seriously, though painful, the best words I had heard from my husband in years.
He wanted to know if any of US were HIS? Yes, we believe. But, if we examine our life, we'll see that we in no way do we "need" God to accomplish anything and that we are doing absolutely nothing but helping ourselves. Yes, I know it is not all for loss...and we do "some" things...but not the "get a camel through the eye of a needle" sort of sacrifice. When others in Uganda, Ethiopia, have nothing we have everything and we give nothing.
Hard words to hear. I wanted to tell him he was wrong and that it wasn't true, but he was right. I was sad. I was grateful. FINALLY.
Seriously, I would not choose this way. I would not choose for my son to dishonor his God, his parents, himself, and others. However, if the end result is it jerk us out of our luke-warm slumber to say "pay attention you are on the Highway to Hell!" I'll take it. (side note-I don't believe you can lose your salvation...this is just a metaphor)
God works all things together for good. ALL things.
My son has a road to walk and as hard as it is to watch him not choose God's best, I know that God has a calling on his life. I know that he has been set-apart. Whether he walks into that calling at 20 years old or 40 is yet to be seen.
I have thought over the latest issue and seriously can't imagine how I could have prevented it. There are no rules or boundaries that weren't in place. He CHOSE. The choice is his to make. The consequences are his to bear. We will support him and help him rebuild himself. However, if he chooses to choose folly, and disobedience, he will not be allowed to live under our roof. He would be continuing to "dishonor" our authority and he will have to go and make his way his self.
Will he choose wisdom over folly? I hope so. I hope I do as well.
This sermon is awesome in my opinion! Watch Out for the Ladies (it's long but so worth it)
There’s a lady called Wisdom – she is magnificent, she is heart-captivating, she is beautiful, she is more precious than rubies, she is everything you need. If you get her, you lack nothing. So whatever else you get in life, get her – get Wisdom – embrace her, marry her.
Then there’s another lady called Folly. She is loud and flashy and deceptive and seductive and deadly. She is the original femme fatale. If you get her you lose everything.
So avoid her, ignore her, resist her, don’t be seduced, don’t be ensnared by her.
So, my son, watch out for the ladies. Embrace Wisdom, shun Folly.This sermon is such a lesson and warning about life. I have read it several times and will continue to read it for sure. Even printed it out in large print so I don't have to have internet--hahah! Large print...oh my.
I would like to think this time is different. Repentance and grief is definitely present. However, I don't know how long he will keep returning to this sin. Watching him be sick for days, weep, and verbally assault himself has not been fun. I would hope that would be enough to make him think more clearly next time. However, looking at myself...I know that I often return. Sad.
I also don't think he sees the relationship between small disobedience being as damaging, if not more so, than huge disobedience. We will be working on this. I fear though that if he hasn't gotten the lesson by now...I have tried to teach...I may have to stop trying and let the Lord show him. UGH!
So, I sit here at peace. With joy. With patience. With love. With goodness and perseverance. With kindness, gentleness and self-control (though sadly, I didn't show this at the time of confession). Trusting that God will do what only HE can do in us all.
I pray we will all choose righteousness above all else.