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I am at one of the toughest places I have ever been in my life.
My son has chosen to do things that are in direct contradiction to our teaching, rules, boundaries.
I really shouldn't be surprised...but I am.
He is wanting to make his own way.
That way, as proverbs says--ends in death.
There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. Proverbs 14:12Not my words. Here is the whole thing...chock full of goodness!
It feels awful.
I have sobbed my guts out this morning...begging Jesus to "do this" or "make him do that" or make him want this" ...
Man my boy is a good kid! He has a huge heart! He is funny and talented. I want to make sure you know that...hahah!
He has to find his way. It is scary to be the parent and watch your kid not choose God's best.
But it will mean more when he chooses God's best because he WANTS God's best.
We had dinner with an elder from our church last night and he and his wife shared and spoke great things into my sons life. Into OUR life. I pray that he has ears to hear. me too..I pray that I have ears to hear!
I guess I am scared of what it "could" take for the Lord to get my son's attention. Because trust me the Lord will get his attention. I fear the "what if's". I guess I don't want to watch the destruction I know "could" happen when ones child chooses their own way.
I listened to a song from the past that HURT but gave me hope...I watched a best friend try to march his way, right away from God and attempt to go his own way and I saw Jesus bring him back...it gives me hope for me son.
It was a painful season...and the thought of living through another season of that...doesn't sound FUN to me at all!
I sobbed. I cried the ugly cry. I almost couldn't get my self back into control. I cried for over 1/2 hour.
Why? Well, so many reasons...here is the song
In case the video is ever unavailable--which happens--It is "Fix You" by Coldplay.
Click for lyrics
About 1/2 way in I was saying I can't "fix you" only the Lord can fix you
...and then relating it to our best friends and seeing how FAITHFUL God has been in their lives and how unbelievably awful a time that was and sometimes is...but God was/is there!
...I was sitting scared to death to watch what "could" happen if my son chooses not to submit to authority. Imaginations.
I am beside myself with grief at this point. I had already read My Utmost for His Highest and got nothing! Which is evidence that I am not receiving truth, so I read it again...and again...at least 4 more times before I could take it in with regards to this situation.
Are You Ever Troubled?
Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you . . . —John 14:27
There are times in our lives when our peace is based simply on our own ignorance. But when we are awakened to the realities of life, true inner peace is impossible unless it is received from Jesus. When our Lord speaks peace, He creates peace, because the words that He speaks are always “spirit, and they are life” (John 6:63). Have I ever received what Jesus speaks? “. . . My peace I give to you. . .”— a peace that comes from looking into His face and fully understanding and receiving His quiet contentment.
Are you severely troubled right now? Are you afraid and confused by the waves and the turbulence God sovereignly allows to enter your life? Have you left no stone of your faith unturned, yet still not found any well of peace, joy, or comfort? Does your life seem completely barren to you? Then look up and receive the quiet contentment of the Lord Jesus. Reflecting His peace is proof that you are right with God, because you are exhibiting the freedom to turn your mind to Him. If you are not right with God, you can never turn your mind anywhere but on yourself. Allowing anything to hide the face of Jesus Christ from you either causes you to become troubled or gives you a false sense of security.
With regard to the problem that is pressing in on you right now, are you “looking unto Jesus” (Hebrews 12:2) and receiving peace from Him? If so, He will be a gracious blessing of peace exhibited in and through you. But if you only try to worry your way out of the problem, you destroy His effectiveness in you, and you deserve whatever you get. We become troubled because we have not been taking Him into account. When a person confers with Jesus Christ, the confusion stops, because there is no confusion in Him. Lay everything out before Him, and when you are faced with difficulty, bereavement, and sorrow, listen to Him say, “Let not your heart be troubled . . .” (John 14:27).
With each rereading...peace...more peace...PEACE! and Jesus!
My husband thinks I am so upset because "I am not in control" I have been processing it...and the truth is I like being in control. but I don't want to CONTROL my son. I don't want to control his strings and make him dance and make the moves only i allow him to make. Not at all!
It makes me sick to even think of that. What hurts the most is that I don't want what i want, I want what God wants and I feel so misunderstood!
I want him to desire God's best above all else. I know that that requires self-sacrifice; and right now he is being selfish
I want him to honor his parents because it is God's commandment; and he is choosing dishonor.
I want him to love Jesus with all his heart, mind, soul and strength and love his neighbor better than himself; and right now he only loves himself.
I won't make excuses for him and say "well he's just a kid! or that's what teenagers do!" WHATEVER! He knows better, and he is making bad choices and there will be consequences.
We didn't set out as parent's and say: "hmmm....what are the things in lfe that could make our kids life miserable? Let's choose that as a rule! Yeah! That'll really make him suffer!" NO!!!!! We sought the Lord! We sought His Word! We can no sooner change how we feel about "not-dating" than we could change our belief in Christ...the two go together!
I truly hope this is a minor bump in the road...just a minor diversion from the great and woderful Jesus fearing life he has to live.
I do not wish to be a puppet master...but want Jesus to make him a real live man of God!
With his heart for missions and his talent with music the enemy hates his guts! Of course he will be tested and tried and put through the wringer! Of course...but an it stinks watching it!
Right now...this is my prayer:
A Father's Prayer
by General Douglas MacArthur
Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.
Build me a son whose wishbone will not be where his backbone should be; a son who will know Thee and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.
Lead him I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.
Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.
And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, the meekness of true strength.
Then, I, his father, will dare to whisper, "I have not lived in vain"