Like, truly not even recognized yourself? I often wonder if it's just me.
Lately, I have been struggling with so much. Most, even those closest to me, have NO idea what is wrong with me. Neither do I. Until this morning...
The other day was a nasty, nasty day of fighting and battling and I looked through a journal sitting on my desk from 2011 and saw prayers I had written, lists, and budgets and I thought "I don't even know WHO the person who wrote this IS" "HOW did she do that?" I scribbled down a prayer and even the handwriting looks like a different person wrote it.
I feel so worn out. I feel so hopeless. I feel like "what's the point" which are all lies! I know this.
I am trying desperately to put on my best face and press on. Thinking it's so hard. Thinking my battle is so tough. It really is for me. It's still a lie.
Then...I woke up late. Decided I didn't even have time to look at Facebook. Then decided I would allow 5 minutes to check notifications. Last night a friend had posted a pretty odd/funny question about underwear. Well, I only checked one notification-it was a blog post from my friend about "worn" so I thought I was going to laugh hysterically about underwear.
Instead of laughter, there was much needed tears and reflection.
I read and watched about how a friend, who is struggling with cancer, has pressed on! I call her friend; but we really only met once at a baby shower. I had read about her in another blog post; so I felt like I knew her. I realize I need to know her more.
Please read- WORN
"Laura is the strongest and most generous person I have ever met. Even in this time of suffering she wants others to know that they are not alone. She says to me all the time how she hopes and prays that no one ever has to endure anything like she has. Her love for her children amazes me. Her devotion to her marriage and family leaves me speechless."
I read, then watched and the entire time cried. Not just for Laura, but for myself. Her story gives me hope and inspiration to PRESS ON!
I pulled up James: Chapter 1 on my Ipad. I cried some more when I read this:
22 But be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 Because if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man looking at his own face[i] in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. 25 But the one who looks intently into the perfect law of freedom and perseveres in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but one who does good works—this person will be blessed in what he does.
I am presently a "hearer" and a "be-er" but I am not a "DOER" of much.
19 My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, 20 for man’s anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness. 21 Therefore, ridding yourselves of all moral filth and evil,[g] humbly receive the implanted word, which is able to save you.[h]After--
26 If anyone[j] thinks he is religious without controlling his tongue, then his religion is useless and he deceives himself. 27 Pure and undefiled religion before our[k] God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world.I have so much more to process as I am literally spitting this out as it has happened. I will add more when (if) I can. Please pray for me. Pray for Laura!
I leave you saying:
"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4
This is truly unedited-if you see something-please tell me :)