Hope

On Sunday I was having one of the worst days yet I know it was the best day. Everything is so two-sided in my life right now. It is so weird and hard to explain. The Lord is begining some art projects in my heart and that is a new thing. I'll share as led.

Regarding church on Sunday, October 08, 2006 ; I didn't even want to go. Being alive at this point is the best I can do. But I knew it was a lie. Staying home, alone was NOT the best thing. Going and praising my Jesus and being with my family was.

In the back of my head I knew I needed to talk to Janice it was something I was supposed to do after the last blog I posted. I still hadn't done it. See after two good days, I then had one of the worst days yet. So I crawled back into the pit that I was fighting to get out of before. I feel like I was peering over the side and deciding if it was safe to come out. I still wasn't sure based on the pervioius days conversation with my husband.

Convienently we pulled in the parking lot at the same time as Janice and Mark. I scurried inside. I immediatley went to talk to someone else-necessary-yet avoiding Janice. Why, because I knew she knew. There is something about being known. It is comforting yet completely scary at the same time. When you know someone knows you know they know the depths of your hurts. We shouldn't avoid it, but somehow we do. Janice caught my eye, I saw her coming, she embraced me and I lost it. She took me aside and listend and spoke truth over my life. Truths I know yet the enemy is speaking a lie for every truth and I am tired. She told me not to give up. I DON'T want to give up. But it is hard. I am having to take every single thought and examine it and determine if it is a lie or the truth.

I do have to say though I am so grateful to my God that He is allowing me still to have a sense of discernemt. I at least have hope so many that suffer from depression do not have the light. Do not know the truth so they can replace those lies. I am thankful for the two-sidedness. I at least have the ability to see that they are lies.

You don't know (or maybe you do) how amazing it is for me to be in a place a "family" where I can be real. I can come in and cry my heart out (and look like a wreck) and look around at people that genuinly love me. That don't want me to hurt, but are willing to let me hurt and be there with me in that hurt.

Quincey spoke about "Battling in Worship" and man did it hit home with me. It was a battle, I was fighting. But I knew I was not alone. Many are there with me. Several times the enemy tried to speak lies to me while I was praising God-and at one point-I almost gave up in battle then the music stopped and Q asked if anyone wanted to testify-Janice spoke amazing words-then Devin shared this poem:

There is a heart of such distress that I carry in this chest please reach out and caress in your pillowesque manner.

Front and center right here and right now I'm throwing in the towel I've committed too many fowls I've flown south.

My sprits turning sour I can't go through another hour, me my precious pretty pink petite flower that blooms in the night and leave me in the dark by your moonlight no more fight. I never fought anywhere so I thawed and now I'm here on these knees distraught.

Crying out to you pretty please, pretty please take this disease turning these insides brown my smile turns to frown and my breathe smells like death.

Because I am dead to light and a light is something I don't know that you would have me feel but this is for real and I need you right now, I need you right now.

So seal the deal with your stamp of regeneration and grow me up into a new creation taken from a tree and plucked from a vine, if it's my time to shine then shine your light on me so that everyone hurting can see that there is hope, hope in the seemingly endless valley full of rotten fruit left behind from previous troops that are now in your mountains drinking directly from your fountains, save me a spot I will be there sooner than not, I'm picking up the pace and slowly starting to trot. "There is Hope" by Bradley Hathaway

That was it! Hope! I have that! It was all I needed to hear I stood up and sang and danced before my God. I knew I had to fight. The battle is strong but He that is in me is stronger. I am being real getting honest. Being who God created me to be. I accept this thorn in the flesh called depression. I accept it but it will not take hold of me. I am getting help. And I want to say to my church family and dearest friends that I am grateful that you are here during this time in my life to help me through this. Watch, you will see God's glory. Those that are looking, look and you will see because I am the Lord's daughter, princess, warrior and He loves me. God has a purpose in everything. I am praising Him for this trial.

Thank you for those that are praying for me! Thank you for listening!