I love how we can speak to ourselves in the present from things in the past. I have been going through quite the difficult time of late and I was going through my personal writings and found this that I had wrote. I am reaffirming this for my life. Enjoy!

"Expression" of My Faith.

February 13, 2007

I wanted to share this with all my brothers and sisters :) Thank you ALL for loving me. How blessed am I to have so many people to love me through this hard time. This is my heart…

Come on and threaten me with prayer... I dare you to pray for me! Triple-dog dare! Oh! How desperately I need it. Not just for me but for my loving husband as well; since we are one: when I hurt, he hurts. I am so grateful for the relationships God has provided; each person serving their intended purpose. Please know that I know you are there for me. I am encouraged by my “family” who, as we all go through trying times, are still there cheering each other along through our trials. I am so grateful for these trials. I know that God is calling us to a higher and closer relationship with Him and each other.

These few years have been a challenge to say the least. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Jesus is bringing up and putting to death lies and hurts to raise new life in me daily. Sometimes I am a more willing participant in this murder than others. Sometimes, I have to hold onto the dead things and truly grieve them, then pass them to my Father. What a disgusting picture, holding dead things but that is what it is for me. These are things Christ put to death on the cross; He has provided victory over them! However, I must give each of them over to Jesus: it has proved to be too much at times and freeing other times. Part of my deliverance.

As I am going through this makeover process it is painful and life threatening. I am shedding so much and realizing beneath the surface of it all, I am not sure who I am. I am not sure who I want to be, and I am not sure I have a choice to be anything other than God desires. He is my one true love! He is my desire. I seek Him yet I hurt. My past, that I claimed glorious grace over, is being raised to the surface to die a new death and grace everlasting! This time it is deeper! The beneath the surface stuff I didn't even know was there.

The whisperer is constantly trying to undo what God is doing. Thinking he can take down the weak ones-but we are alert, aware of his schemes; banding together to fight the good fight. Oh! We are called to a higher place!

I will allow the Father to use this time to refine me and make me over anew. And when He is finished I will go in the Refiner’s fire again because I have nothing else to live for but Him. When people look at my life I hope they see a life totally surrendered to God's will. Someone who saw the path of God and followed it scared to death of what’s ahead. Yet, fully trusting the dangerous love of the Father to sustain her each step of the way. If I plop down to cry, He kneels beside me and waits. If I run, He runs ahead and leads the way. If I hide, He is already in the hiding place waiting to be my shelter; He then gently restores me to light. I want people see the “Glory of the Lord” lived out in times of suffering and times of joy. I will bless the Lord at all times; not because I could but because I had to!

God revealed to me that the god I worshiped was not the One True God: The Alpha, Omega, Creator, Sustainer, Head-Lifter, Redeemer and Lover of my soul. I had a tiny god that eventually proved to be not enough. Thankfully! I have a God that desires me and comes after me with reckless abandon and does not leave me to my own misery and demise. No! He reveals Himself in new and miraculous ways through His creation. He has shown me love unimaginable! Through His Word He has given me life. Through my friends and family He has given me Hope for a new day.

Knowing that I had a good life is not enough. Knowing that I lived a "God" life is everything… even if I have to lose everything. That is scary to write; and scarier yet to imagine looking back on what I have written as I live this out. Hopefully, I will be found faithful to my word. If I stumble and fall I have hope that my “Family” in Christ will be there to remind me of these words and live them out alongside me.

Living in the beauty of brokenness,



Margo said...

Hi Jen...I tried to leave a comment on this post last week, but I'm still groping around in the dark on this internet thing. I love your comments and I am so glad to have your input on my posts.
We must meet up for coffee soon.