I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD.
Chapter 2 is titled: You Might Not Finish This Chapter
If you just popped over and don't know why I am talking about chapter two you missed that I am doing virtual seminar: HERE
I loved this chapter. It was a gentle slap upside the head that I needed.
The emphasis on selfishness, stress and simply "getting over yourself" is frankly something we all need to hear.
I loved this:
"In about 50 years (give or take a couple of decades), no one will remember you. Everyone you know will be dead. Certainly no one will care what job you had, what car you drove, what school you attended, or what clothes you wore. This can be terrifying or reassuring, or maybe a mix of both." Crazy Love by Chan pg 46
So, why is that so comforting? So, reassuring?
For me it just helped me realize I do not want to live this life to be immortalized in the story of "me"! The story that matters is God's story.
So, evaluating the importance of where I fit and how I align my life up with HIStory and who I am before God is what really matters.
This weeks Questions for discussion: 1. On page 40 Francis Chan quotes Fredrick Buechner. “Intellectually we all know that we will die, but we do not really know it in the sense that the knowledge becomes a part of us. We do not really know it in the sense of living as though it were true. On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever.”
Why do you think we live as though our lives will go on forever?
This may sound strange: but I don't. I live with an ever present thought that I will be dead. As a matter of fact at the table this morning I was joking with my husband about the type of picture I wanted in my obituary. I think I decided on "Thumbs in ears, fingers raised, tongue sticking out, doing the nanny-nanny-boo-boo face" and I haven't worked out the exact wording, but I told Trent I would; but something to the effect of "I am getting to see Jesus before you...Are you ready?" and this was before reading the chapter--and I LOVED that! I'll have to work on it though... :)
I don't know if it because I have experienced parental loss, expected death, accidental death, eminent death, and faced the reality that I should have died several times. The kicker for me: facing my own potential death by stroke at age 35. Life is fleeting...
While I may understand the reality of death I do miss the necessity of living a life of greater worth. I loved that A.W.Tozer quote "A man by his sin may waste himself, which is to waste that which on earth is most like God. This is man's greatest tragedy and God's heaviest grief."
2. On page 42, Chan says the following:
“Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.”
“Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.”
“Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance.”
Worry and stress are big deal things that affect virtually EVERYONE. What would it take for you to dump worry and stress completely?
Win the Lottery! Well, I guess I'd have to actually play for that to happen. So, I'll choose death as my answer. I know a more appropriate, church answer, would be to truly trust God. However, I only have seasons of success and moments of pure faith. While I would say I truly trust God it is only moments that the worry and stress abandon. I trust God, scared and shaking in my boots, hoping it will not be for loss and what I lose will be for gain. ...and USUALLY that is the case; increasing trust...but I still worry :/ ugh!
So, do you know what the #1 Killer of Women is? Heart Disease!
Earlier this month I saw that the NFL was going "pink" for Breast Cancer Awareness Month on tv and I thought aloud "Pink... they should have chosen heart disease to cover since it is the #1 killer of women and the color is red, which would look better than that ugly pink" ...skip 1 beat, look at my husband as I say aloud what he is thinking"Well... guys do care more about breasts than hearts!" We laughed together! A funny moment for a not-so-funny topic.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of my STROKE or as my first-born called it my "stroke-a-versary". I know October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month but it will forever be JEN SURVIVED A STROKE MONTH in my household.
Forever! I will have to remember that on the eve of my stroke I sat disillusioned with my life. I was on the couch, alone, reflecting on my life. Miserable. Contemplating being done. Upset with God that I could even think such a thing. My first journal entry from that morning 10/27/2008 said:
"Lord, I am completely overwhelmed I cannot even write right now."
Then 10 hours later I sat on the couch and wrote:
"Lord thank you for time alone. I don't know what you want to do in this time. God I am feeling myself slip. I am distancing, avoiding, hardening-I feel such anger, sadness, fear that I have a hard time breathing. I wanted to take this time and let you search me. I am afraid to deal. I really don't know where to start."
Then the list began... words on a page...too many to list... some too shameful to share
my marriage
our finances
children
depression
anxiety
weight
the company
paperwork... ... ...
Three columns! a long list of real, imagined, past, present and future junk!
Here is the HEART:
"God I truly want to flee right now. It is not rational. I love my husband, my kids, my life. Why do I want to leave? I think things appear too big, too hard, too complex-and honestly I don't want to let you work on a lot of it. But I do. Why did You create me like this? Ugh!"
The next time I would return to that journal would be post stroke, post hospital stay, post realizing I had a brush with death. I could not even face what I wrote on the eve of my stroke for weeks. I knew. I knew that I had wanted to die but GOD had allowed me to live.
As my husband tried to wake me that Tuesday morning 1 year ago, I was difficult to understand. Trying to figure out the best way for you to understand is difficult. The best I can explain it is: as I spoke- in my head I sounded "normal" but my ears hearing my voice knew that what I was hearing didn't sound like what I said. Then after the second time of me grumbling and not wanting to get up, I sat up, my hubby looked at my face. Now it is funny now... but terror was what I saw. I laughed in my head thinking "what is the matter with him, he is freaking out, I mean come on, what is so bad, I just don't want to get up" Not having ANY idea that my face is crooked, my eyes are wandering and dropping and I look like a freak (to put it nicely). He leaves the room to (unknown to me at the time) wake my 19 yr old daughter saying "get up I think your mom just had a stroke." Nice to be waken to I am sure. Not.
Trent decides to try to get me up and I don't know what he thought he was going to do with me... but I am insistent that I have to take a shower. Now all the while- to me--I AM NORMAL. Trent is freaking! I think it is funny. He tells me my face is drooping, I know my speech is odd-I determine I have Bell's Palsy frustrated that I will have a temporary drooping face; I know it is temporary; I guess I'll go to the doctor, after my shower of course! (I am still in bed at this point) Then I get up to walk--I couldn't. I began to drift and could not walk straight. My husband is in front of me (still freaking-I still think it is funny-past and present) trying to steady me. Did I mention my vision was "off" I wear glasses, but this was worse. Very blurry, had to close one eye to see half-straight. Then there was confusion. Now, in my right mind, I would KNOW I didn't have Bells' Palsy-I was having a STROKE! At the time, I had NO IDEA! NO IDEA!
As I stood, wobbly, swaying in the shower I nearly had a heart-attack (ha) as I opened my eyes after rinsing my hair because I felt someone staring at me (you know the feeling) and AHHH! There is Trent's face in the glass door and he yells "you better hold on to something you are going to fall" all serious looking. Again, amusing to me at the time. This man I love, absolutely freaking out, while I am amused. Thank God I was confused or I TOO would have been freaking. Trent helps me dress, does something with my hair and we are off to the doctor. Trent, Brit and I, we left Hunter asleep with a note saying "taking mom to the doctor" as we didn't want to worry him. (BTW-we should have called 911 or went straight to the ER! That's hindsight.)
So, we went to the doctor and she looked at me and said it is definitely not Bell's palsy and you need to go to the hospital. For the first time it hit's me. I began to cry. Mostly because it was serious and we were having to go to the hospital and we do not have insurance. (Here is where I could tell you a whole lot more about health care and being uninsured but this long post is getting longer so I'll spare you-for know-I will say this GOD DOES MIRACLES)
We leave for the hospital. Upon arriving my daughter and I are amused at the "Sign's of Stroke" sign that I conveniently had EVERY symptom of so nicely posted at the sign-in desk. We wait. Brit takes me to the bathroom, I am already improving a bit. Then I see in the mirror for the first time with more consciousness what I look like! The horror! Not my face---what has my husband dressed me in?! No make-up, my hair! My daughter pulls out what cosmetics she has in her purse and we doctor my face up a bit. More waiting and then they call me back to triage. Then someone comes to transport and the triage nurse points and says "she is going to ICU" and points in my direction and then I, literally, looked over my shoulder to see who they were pointing at and there was no one there-they were pointing at ME! Me=Intensive Care Unit. What? It was becoming surreal. 35 years old and going to the ICU.
I was in the ICU for the day and then that night they admitted me. Kept me for test after test after test. I can tell you the horrors of imagining the bill every time anyone handed me anything or did anything to me. No one had yet to tell me "You had a stroke". The doctor (neurologist) actually suspected that since I was so young, and have frequent headaches, that I might have had a seizure. Then later the next day (early day 3-how crazy is that medical care? sarcasm intended), after my MRI, he returned to correct himself, apologize, admit his surprise and say I had indeed had a stroke.
While in the hospital word spread and visitors and calls ensued. It was a neat blessing to see who is there when LIFE happens and you need them. I was so grateful for my sister-friends that never leave me or forsake me in the way of Christ whom we share. It was humbling to be "hospitalized" yet feel so normal. Hard to sit there smiling you are alive; but know that you thought about ending it; but you were alive and loved and cared for.
I am realizing that I forgot to explain that by the next morning (Day 2) I was pretty much back to normal. So, I was in the hospital and they were figuring out what was "wrong" with me and I just wanted to go home. Well, I did in fact have a stroke so they needed to know why. I was healthy-newly! Thanks to Weight Watchers I had lost 40+ pounds and was exercising. My blood work was good. More tests! Come to discover I had a hole {patent foramen ovale} in my heart. Go figure! So, I take baby aspirin. Make sure to walk around every few hours to not get a blood clot. And get to blame every forgotten mixed up word on "stroke brain". They sent me home Oct. 31.
As I recovered I admittedly suffered from depression, nothing new for me, but it was different from my regular old depression/anxiety. I knew that this experience was "for a purpose" but I was stuck in my pity party. For a few months I HAD to take a nap (that in itself was depressing-I know you mothers that NEED naps don't agree :) Mostly, I lived in fear of another stroke. I was living in the present like there was no future.
Thankfully God had gone before me and prepared me ahead of time for this. In so many more ways than I have time to mention here. But I will share with you one of the main events God used to shake up my pity party and I recommend it for others you know that are struggling with their life post-stroke (or otherwise). See, I used to work with individuals with disabilities before God called me to stay-at- home. So, much had been prepared in my mind about living with a disability. I had also read a book that was written by a man who had a stroke "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: A Memoir of Life in Death" The book was written entirely by him blinking one eye.
Well, the book was made into a movie. Then one day when God had had just about enough of my pity party HE let me see it; and that did it. (I am posting the Trailer at the end of this blog if you want a peek.)
I spent my time, on the couch, watching the movie by myself. Weeping! and weeping! and got off the couch a new woman! Praise God!
I was meant to live for so much more! I could still talk, walk, move! Dance! Shout! Yes, one day I may have another stroke; so, while I can live, LIVE! I could also get hit by a bus. For goodness sake live your life while you can! Whether I do or don't have another stroke is not the point at all. The point is life has a purpose and you have to live it to figure that out. As hard as that may seem at times...
Presently, I sit here feeling like I am still stuck. But the HEART of the issue is coming to the surface.
"Have you ever wanted something so bad that you would do almost anything to get it? Have you ever gotten so close to fulfilling a dream only to have it disappear right before your eyes?"
Well, truly I know that much of my struggling is that I am not living out what I feel that I am created to do. My husband and I presently don't see eye-to-eye (update*though through a conversation last night we may be more eye-to-eye than I thought :). It is not something I have talked about much on my blog as it is truly very painful. I desire to be a mother again. and again. and again. For that to happen would require my husbands heart to change and a lot of money. My focus today is on the HEART and that is the heart of it. I want to be a mommy, again. I feel like it will never happen. Ultimately though, God's will will be done as I follow my husband. Obedience trumps worse case scenario... a theme I have heard a lot this week. ( Here and Here ) Whatever the scenario! amen
.
As I reflect now I think "Wow! To see then and now. To have a record of your life "pre" and "post" is pretty interesting. Are the things on my list of little concern to me now? NO! Still the same worries, fears, struggles, exact same. Some new things to add in fact! "What is different then?" you ask. Everything! I'M still ALIVE! I am fully functional. I am still a bit stuck but that is going to work itself out as I follow God. Each year on my stroke-a-versary I will have the opportunity to write about what God has done. It will never again be like the journal entry a year ago.
Nothing is different and everything is different. I sit here this morning with more hope than I have had in quite some time. To quote *Tom Davis in Red Letters: Living a Faith That Bleeds:
"Transformation did occur when I would hear the words of Jesus and obey them, no matter how I felt. The more I obeyed, the more I was transformed. I was becoming a different person because I was living my self into it. I was becoming the words I saw on the page. The words Jesus himself spoke." *page27
That is my hope! Becoming the words! Trusting His ways when they aren't my way. Being present. And like a piece of the sweet prayer my husband prayed over me this morning : "Let Your voice, Lord, be the only voice she hears!" It a matter of HEART! and mine is being transformed!
So, do you know what the #1 Killer of Women is? Heart Disease!
I guess you can look at that very biblically and recognize that we are all heart diseased. Praise God we have a Father that sent His son so that we can have everlasting life.
Here is some important information about stroke to educate yourself:
I was SHOCKED as I was researching things to add to this post for you all that TOMORROW is WORLD STROKE DAY ! Really? Really, Lord! The day after my anniversary-world stroke day. You amaze me Lord~ your timing is perfect!
Breast checks are important but so is the HEART!
Update 2012 ***10/27 which would be the eve of my stroke and significant for me because it's when I wrote my journal entry. I am sitting here preparing for the rivalry Florida Georgia Game today. Our family is gathering. My son-in-love is smoking meat and all of my family will be there. Extended in-laws and friends as well. I can't help thinking how RICH my life is. I have a brand new precious grand-daughter. We are foster parents to a 3 year old blessing. We are second-grandparents to 2 precious joys with another on the way. Our son is growing into a man. Our lives are blessed! I have since had another stroke that did leave me with some health problems that I have battled. I am fighting the "thorn in my flesh" , of depression with suicidal ideation, with medication and the WORD OF GOD! It has not been an easy journey. It is a journey, though, that I thank God every day that I get to make!
Update 2014 I am sharing this and realizing some more information may be wanted. I have "labels" on the side of the blog if you want to explore topics. However-shortcut to two important ones.
I love how I am NOT even done with the "introduction" to this book and it has me curling my toes. I hope I can finish it and it doesn't end up in my "hope to read" someday pile. But I wanted to put this quote out there as it still has me thinking! Are you wearing steel toed boots? If no, put 'em on and read this...
"Few people begin the week boasting in how many lies they plan to tell in the next five days or end the week full of pride about how much loot they have stolen. We live in a dark day, but it it still rare for someone to publicly tout his or her violation of the Ten Commandments, with one exception--our debasement with busyness. We love to tell others how much we work, how much we still have to get done, and how overwhelmed we are with the exhaustion of our labor. We admire busyness, speed, and productivity, yet we envy those whose leisure time is abundant. We are mad, crazy mad--and we know it. To write another book on the need for margins seems at best superfluous and at worst, avoiding what most needs to be said: Sabbath rest is not an option; it is a commandment."
I am excited to learn what "Sabbath" really means. I will be more excited when and if I can make this a part of my week.
Like this quote that makes me want to leap with uncurled toes! " Perhaps one of the most radical gifts we can bring the developing Third World and the decaying Western society is the Sabbath. Not a day off, but a day of celebration and delight. The Sabbath is a day when the kingdom to come has come and is celebrated now rather that anticipated tomorrow. It is a fiction, a theater of a devine comedy that practices eternity as a perent reality rather than a future state. "
So, just wanted to put this out there for you in case you needed another book idea!
So I started a new book today-Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell It is blowing my mind! Revolutionary thought for the day: True mystery, the kind of mystery rooted in the infinate nature of God, gives us answers that actually plunge us into more... questions. Take this example from John 3:16. The first part of the verse reads: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son." So why did God give his son? "Because God loves the world." But what does it mean for God to love the world? Does God love evil people? Mean people? People who don't think that God exists? People who think that God only loves them? If you do enough evil, can you exhaust God's love? Because God loves the world IS an answer to the question, why did God give his son? It's a real answer you can know. But it also raises a new set of questions. WHY does God love the world? What motivates God to love like this? What does God get out of it? The writers of the bible, especially one named John, would answer this way: "Because God IS love." Which is an answer, of course, but as you probably have figured out by now, it raises even deeper questions: How can God be love? Is every experience of love an experience of God? Is every experience of God and experience of love? Truth always leads to more...truth. Because truth is insight into God and God is infinate and God has no boundaries or edges. So truth always has layers and depth and texture. ----------------------- Okay I am going to stop writing now because I don't want to violate copywrite laws by rewriting the book in it's entirety. But I am excited! Those of you that have known me for sometime know that I am excitied by the questions. I have always said the more I try to know God the more I don't understand him which simply makes me love him all the more! Hope this causes you to stop and think are you even asking questions? There are answers, that lead to more questions... that lead to LOVE!
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, who changed my life; and continues daily in this process.
I love my husband and am grateful to have a life partner to journey with.
I am honored to mother 2 beautiful children and delighted He gave me 2 more teenagers to mentor, who became as a daughter and son. I now relative-foster a sweet boy who is showing us joy in new ways. We have A LOT of baby grands! We are blessed.
As I journey I am figuring out ministry, mission and life. It is never a boring path; and ever-changing for sure! The comforting thing for me is "He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.(Job 23:10)" All because of HIM!!
