I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD.
I was asked to guest post for Sweet Tea, Sunshine and Serendipity's blog. They are doing a series this month called Love in Words. Head over there and check them out. It is really neat to read all the different love stories. They are doing a giveaway, so you definitely want to see what that's all about.
I was humbled and honored to participate. I spent yesterday, when "A Greater Love Story" premiered, blubbering as I got responses from women in all walks of life that identified and were grateful for our love story.
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Oh! Who doesn't love a good love story?
When I think about my love story I can't help but compare it to some romantic comedy's out there and think: no way would anyone think it's worthy of their time. lol
No one would watch a movie about an underage teen mother, in a bar, who falls in love with a bartender and they live unhappily, happily ever after. Makes me laugh.
The truth is, my story is worthy. It's a story of redeeming love. A story of a couple of lost and wayward souls who find each other, create a family and fall in love with God and fall in love over and over and over again. Our God gets bigger and closer with each tragedy faced. He triumphantly blesses us when we should be flat on our face!
It's difficult to know where to start and how much to share. I have been married almost 20 years. Together 22. Most people want to know the looooove part. The love parts, are different depending on perspective. Yes, I could tell you about the first time Trent told me he loved me and I told him he was just drunk. The next morning he assured me, he wasn't too drunk to know he loved me. I could tell you about the proposal. While on a dinner date I announced I was pregnant and he said "Well, I guess we will get married." yeah, not so warm and fuzzy. We look back on those times and laugh now.
I absolutely can say that I didn't know what true love was
when I got married. I thought I knew; I was 21 and knew everything. We
married and played house and it was fun at first. Then it wasn't fun at
all. It was hard. We had kid issues, money issues, issue issues and
divorce was likely and threatened regularly. It was not pretty. We tried church hoping it would fix us. It didn't. It actually made us feel worse. So much happened in that few years that nearly ruined us. The amazing thing was, looking back, I can see a Savior. I can see how events were orchestrated to SAVE us. Save our marriage, and give hope, not only to us, but to the many who would hear our story. You can read our VOWS here and see how God used His people and His church. Church went from being where we'd go to being who we were.
I got a text this week with a friend asking for prayer because she was
getting ready to go on a date to work on their marriage because their
love had grown distant. I immediately had to call her. I had been there
done that (many times). It wasn't pretty and I wanted to warn her.
"Listen, when you go on this date-it may not be romantic-it may be
hard-and you may fight more than you ever have-fight...-then DO IT AGAIN
because your marriage is worth fighting for!" You see, I know that
marriage is hard work. I wanted her to know that it is not unusual to
fight, especially when you've both been silent for a long time. I wanted
her to know she isn't alone. Often we think everyone's marriage's are
fine and ours is the only screwed up one. This is not TRUE! They are all
a little screwed up-at least the ones of people I love.
I was grateful for that text and that time of conversation and even more grateful for my love story. You know the saying "It takes a village to raise a child"...well it takes a village to survive in marriage. You have to know and be known. You have to bring the hurt out into the light. I tell you the truth I would not be married today were it not for the people who loved, and hurt, right along side of us. Helping us weather the storm.
I want to say don't judge a love story by how pretty it looks from the outside. When I look back on who I was 20 years ago
I can't believe my-then-to-be-mother-in-law didn't run me off with a
gun. She likely wanted to. Though she's never been anything but
gracious to me. You don't know what the future holds. I will tell you this though, if you are not prepared to extend a TON OF GRACE and mercy to yourself and your spouse then you have a tough road ahead.
Our love story has infatuation. Laughter. Silliness. Death, life and
renewal. Our love story has tales of heartbreak, hard times, and
heroics. There are times of family picnics in the square. Times where
we couldn't stand the sight of one another. There are times of silence. Separateness. A
marriage of mission. Sweet looks where I know he loves me. There are
times that I would like to just go back and say to myself "it's going to
be alright" and warn myself "it's about to get worse." You know what
though, I wouldn't trade a moment. Okay, maybe the moment where my
husband puked on people and blamed it on me. Nah! Even that moment!
I'll take it. It has made for a beautiful love story.
This looks like a whole lot of love:
2012
When I think about our love story, I could have NEVER imagined it would turn out like this. Dancing in a bar, with shorts that showed my cheeks, wearing boots and a cowboy hat I wanted someone to sweep me off my feet. I use to say "I am not that girl anymore" but the truth is I am. I may have the sense now to cover myself, but I still want to be swept off my feet. Now, I have learned that I must look for those things that my husband does that only he can do because he KNOWS me: THAT'S LOVE!
You see my perspective on looooooove has changed. When you are
skinny, get fat, get skinny, get fat again and all you ever hear is how
beautiful you are-that's love. When you awake nearly every morning to a
warm cup of coffee prepared just how you like it-that's love. You see, when your
beloved sees you at your worst and you confess to him how you've wronged
him and he takes that sin upon himself-that's love.
My love story turned into GREATER LOVE story.
Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. John 15:13 in context
I have to say, I have been struggling the past few days. Mightily.
It began a few days ago...we were looking through old pictures (from the last few years) on facebook, and I was thinner. Dun, dun, dun...and healthier. I was sad looking back and thinking how different I am as a mom for Hunter than I was for Brittny.
Then yesterday, I was driving around, having a pity party thinking about what an absolute wretch I was 20 years ago. I was thinking "What did he see in me?" Was it just about what he could get from me? Which, I might add, was not very difficult? Oh, the heartbreak when I think of how I
disrespected myself, my mother, my mother-in-law.
Last night when hubby returned from fishing, I was in bed with a
headache; I had been thinking all day! You know he was not prepared for
the barrage of "mess" that was about to come out of me. The tears, the
heartbreak, the emotion and joy. God bless him. He should never leave
me unattended that long ;)
The questions began, the tears flowed, the confession of shame, the hope for better for my son, the wish for a different me, the health, the pity, the waste, the hope.
Leave it to Polk, shocker, to see the beauty of our life. What wonderful children we have, our home, our life, our grandchildren. Who would have ever thought we would have it so good? God did, that's who.Oh my word, I am overcome when I think of where the Lord has brought us in 20 years. Seriously over-come!
However...
I want how I feel now about who I was then to NOT be like who I will be later when I think about now.
Most days I try to press through. Some days I succumb to the weight of it all. I am grateful to have a life partner to help me find my way back to shore.
You are the beauty in me because of our Lord Jesus. Thank you for the
past 20 yrs. our lives are like the seas; they are beautiful and
comforting. They sooth and restore. They can be quiet and still. They
can roar and be turbulent. The sea and all that is in it the Lord has
blessed just as he has blessed us to be together. I Love You bigger that
the seas and all they hold. Happy Anniversary ! ;-)
Trent Polk ~June 1, 2012
We were a HOT MESS 20 years ago!
I can't believe I am putting this on the internet!
When I think forward 20 years, if the Lord allows, I desire to be proud of my "self" 20 years ago. I don't want to be the sick lady. The fat lady. The bitchy, naggy, harpy lady (scary to read what proverbs has to say about this kind of women).
I want more. I want to be healthy. Even if I don't feel well at times, I want to be kind. I want to feel beautiful. I want to DO things. I want to shoot a gun. I want to white water raft. I want to see things. Go places. I don't want to stay holed up in my house feeling sorry for myself.
Date night= $25
Seeing yourself in the future=priceless
I have started changing things already...we will have to see what 20 years brings!
As of today I have spent 1/2 my life with My LOVE, Trent Polk!
I am thankful that we have had the opportunity to walk together towards NO GREATER LOVE with Jesus Christ!
I wrote my own wedding vows.
It was a poem that came to me...leaving his house early one morning. Before we were ever engaged. Sad, that this isn't the start to marriage I recommend. Although, we were not living for God in any way shape or form. Forgive me! I almost deleted this paragraph for relevance...but desired to leave it. So you can know...Christ changes things when we walk in the light!
But this came suddenly, while I was driving, I had to keep repeating it over and over until I could write it down. Thankful the words still ring true today!
You Are The One
You are my strength
when I cannot stop the tears.
You are the voice
that quiets all my fears.
You are the body
that gives me someone to hold.
You are the light
that leads me through the dark.
You are the arrow
that points me to my mark
You are my eyes
whenever I cannot see.
You are everything
that I want you to be.
You are the prayer
that I send to heaven above.
but most of all...
YOU ARE MY LOVE!
Sadly, it wasn't too long afterthese vows that DIVORCE was all I could think about. Destruction was plotting to ruin us. Most people who know us now are shocked to know the rest of the story. I assure you it wasn't pretty--but now it is one of the very things GOD HAS MADE LIGHT!
I are forever grateful to a friend, Terri Green, that invited me to a Woman's Retreat out of Arlington Baptist Church that changed my life... I am thankful to that church for having scholarships for those that couldn't afford to go.
I am thankful that Christ proved Himself to me, through His word, and the teacher who sadly I don't know her name, through life-changing TRUTH:
THAT ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN COULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER.
I am thankful that God gave me the desire TO TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD! I am thankful that Jesus is the Word! Word!
I am thankful to Psalm 34. When I was afraid of the Bible. It was what I read daily for years.
I am thankful that Laine Clayton, started sharing the Left Behind series that prompted my husband to get back in church.
I am grateful to Sandi Caldwell-Rahimi to being LOVE to me. And inviting me insistently to Celebration Baptist Church .
I am thankful for Celebration Baptist Church for accepting us and loving us right where we were. Walking us through becoming Christ followers. It will always be our HOME church! Though now it is called Faithbridge Church :)
I am thankful for Ray and Kim Reeves with whom we have done life together and couldn't have done it without! Jesus with flesh on. We, collectively, have never had to go through a struggle, minor or life-shattering, alone. What comfort in Christ!
I am thankful that Jesus gave us an ARMY of support, those that battled with us, for us, alongside us!
Marriages, teachers, books, friends, youth, my own children! Fighting the good fight!
I dare not write names, because I could never name them all! Praise God!
These VOWS are nothing to take lightly. Trent said the traditional vows.
We vowed to God, whether we took it "seriously" at the time, or not. We vowed till death do us part.
I am so grateful Christ gives us the strength, as we seek Him, to honor the covenant we made!
It's not easy. We have an enemy. However, Our God is greater!
As we seek to live our life in a way that brings glory and honor to the Father...I pray that when people look at our marriage that they know it was ALL because of Jesus!
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13
I have found myself in many conversations lately about DATING. (dun.dun.dun)
Our family does not allow dating in the traditional sense. We want what we believe is best for our children. That is God's best.
We believe that God will bring the spouses of our children into their lives. They don't have to search. Try before you buy. Experiment with different brands.
They have to trust God and seek Him diligently. If my son decides to seek after "Insert Girl Name Here" he will surely hit his mark. However, he needs to more diligently seek after God and trust HIM to bring the young lady into his life and show him that she is his bride. She is on this planet as we speak. I have prayed for her for years.
I feel strongly about this and recognize others may not have the same views as me. Believe me, they let me know ;)
However-no matter how you feel I think this is on my:
EVERY PARENT (or person that works with teenagers) MUST READ LIST:
AND DON'T wait until your kid is 13 to read--have preschoolers--great read this! WHY? Glad you asked...because you are always shaping who they are to be and if you wait until they are teens to deal with teenager stuff it's too late.
I have loved the Ludy's for years and many of their books shaped my young ladies into Set-Apart Young Women.
We are raising a son and there is not near as many books out there for young men as women and that is a shame. However, the Ludy's do not let me down. I did let them know I needed more guy books though!
On a slightly different note...but same theme:
I have watched this video about 5 times and each time I cry. Mostly it is FUNNY and silly. However, it touches me because it IS real life! My husband and son are amazed EACH time because they don't "GET" why I cry. Besides the fact that I am a sap...and a woman...
Love Stories are REAL STORIES and they are usually filled with more difficulty than can fit into a love song.
I wanted all my teen friends to see it so they could have a more-real Love Story to look forward to.
Man it makes me laugh when I think of what I thought marriage would be like. When I got married I was young. I had 2 kids and I thought life was supposed to be like "The Cosby Show". Needless to say it wasn't. Two years into our marriage I could see the end very close in sight. I was plotting my escape. PRAISE GOD He had a better plan! Praise God HE saved my marriage! Praise God I can teach my kids what TRUE LOVE looks like and it is a lot more like SACRIFICE than Cosby Show.
I love to sit and talk to my girls about their marriages and listen to "real life" stories of how they make it work. My favorite thing to ask when the girls are together is "tell me about you latest fight". Sick? No! Just REAL! If they tell me "we haven't fought" they are lying :) They don't; they tell me the real deal and it is usually funny and we laugh because we know we are all IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL! Good, bad, and UGLY!
Marriage is HARD. but worth it!
A new friend through ifast58 recently posted this on facebook:
Have you received difficult people/ trying relationships/ the authorities whom God has placed in your life as an instrument of blessing?
and that is often what marraige and parenting are for me: BLESSING
because they are difficult, trying, and of God :)
Hope this video makes you laugh, and maybe get a tear...mostly because it's a more-real LOVE STORY!
**Update March 2014 My son has not chosen to follow our plan for courtship. He is making his own way (here is a post from Aug 2011.) As much like God as I can muster I am extending grace and mercy. It is a very interesting road.
So, do you know what the #1 Killer of Women is? Heart Disease!
Earlier this month I saw that the NFL was going "pink" for Breast Cancer Awareness Month on tv and I thought aloud "Pink... they should have chosen heart disease to cover since it is the #1 killer of women and the color is red, which would look better than that ugly pink" ...skip 1 beat, look at my husband as I say aloud what he is thinking"Well... guys do care more about breasts than hearts!" We laughed together! A funny moment for a not-so-funny topic.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of my STROKE or as my first-born called it my "stroke-a-versary". I know October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month but it will forever be JEN SURVIVED A STROKE MONTH in my household.
Forever! I will have to remember that on the eve of my stroke I sat disillusioned with my life. I was on the couch, alone, reflecting on my life. Miserable. Contemplating being done. Upset with God that I could even think such a thing. My first journal entry from that morning 10/27/2008 said:
"Lord, I am completely overwhelmed I cannot even write right now."
Then 10 hours later I sat on the couch and wrote:
"Lord thank you for time alone. I don't know what you want to do in this time. God I am feeling myself slip. I am distancing, avoiding, hardening-I feel such anger, sadness, fear that I have a hard time breathing. I wanted to take this time and let you search me. I am afraid to deal. I really don't know where to start."
Then the list began... words on a page...too many to list... some too shameful to share
my marriage
our finances
children
depression
anxiety
weight
the company
paperwork... ... ...
Three columns! a long list of real, imagined, past, present and future junk!
Here is the HEART:
"God I truly want to flee right now. It is not rational. I love my husband, my kids, my life. Why do I want to leave? I think things appear too big, too hard, too complex-and honestly I don't want to let you work on a lot of it. But I do. Why did You create me like this? Ugh!"
The next time I would return to that journal would be post stroke, post hospital stay, post realizing I had a brush with death. I could not even face what I wrote on the eve of my stroke for weeks. I knew. I knew that I had wanted to die but GOD had allowed me to live.
As my husband tried to wake me that Tuesday morning 1 year ago, I was difficult to understand. Trying to figure out the best way for you to understand is difficult. The best I can explain it is: as I spoke- in my head I sounded "normal" but my ears hearing my voice knew that what I was hearing didn't sound like what I said. Then after the second time of me grumbling and not wanting to get up, I sat up, my hubby looked at my face. Now it is funny now... but terror was what I saw. I laughed in my head thinking "what is the matter with him, he is freaking out, I mean come on, what is so bad, I just don't want to get up" Not having ANY idea that my face is crooked, my eyes are wandering and dropping and I look like a freak (to put it nicely). He leaves the room to (unknown to me at the time) wake my 19 yr old daughter saying "get up I think your mom just had a stroke." Nice to be waken to I am sure. Not.
Trent decides to try to get me up and I don't know what he thought he was going to do with me... but I am insistent that I have to take a shower. Now all the while- to me--I AM NORMAL. Trent is freaking! I think it is funny. He tells me my face is drooping, I know my speech is odd-I determine I have Bell's Palsy frustrated that I will have a temporary drooping face; I know it is temporary; I guess I'll go to the doctor, after my shower of course! (I am still in bed at this point) Then I get up to walk--I couldn't. I began to drift and could not walk straight. My husband is in front of me (still freaking-I still think it is funny-past and present) trying to steady me. Did I mention my vision was "off" I wear glasses, but this was worse. Very blurry, had to close one eye to see half-straight. Then there was confusion. Now, in my right mind, I would KNOW I didn't have Bells' Palsy-I was having a STROKE! At the time, I had NO IDEA! NO IDEA!
As I stood, wobbly, swaying in the shower I nearly had a heart-attack (ha) as I opened my eyes after rinsing my hair because I felt someone staring at me (you know the feeling) and AHHH! There is Trent's face in the glass door and he yells "you better hold on to something you are going to fall" all serious looking. Again, amusing to me at the time. This man I love, absolutely freaking out, while I am amused. Thank God I was confused or I TOO would have been freaking. Trent helps me dress, does something with my hair and we are off to the doctor. Trent, Brit and I, we left Hunter asleep with a note saying "taking mom to the doctor" as we didn't want to worry him. (BTW-we should have called 911 or went straight to the ER! That's hindsight.)
So, we went to the doctor and she looked at me and said it is definitely not Bell's palsy and you need to go to the hospital. For the first time it hit's me. I began to cry. Mostly because it was serious and we were having to go to the hospital and we do not have insurance. (Here is where I could tell you a whole lot more about health care and being uninsured but this long post is getting longer so I'll spare you-for know-I will say this GOD DOES MIRACLES)
We leave for the hospital. Upon arriving my daughter and I are amused at the "Sign's of Stroke" sign that I conveniently had EVERY symptom of so nicely posted at the sign-in desk. We wait. Brit takes me to the bathroom, I am already improving a bit. Then I see in the mirror for the first time with more consciousness what I look like! The horror! Not my face---what has my husband dressed me in?! No make-up, my hair! My daughter pulls out what cosmetics she has in her purse and we doctor my face up a bit. More waiting and then they call me back to triage. Then someone comes to transport and the triage nurse points and says "she is going to ICU" and points in my direction and then I, literally, looked over my shoulder to see who they were pointing at and there was no one there-they were pointing at ME! Me=Intensive Care Unit. What? It was becoming surreal. 35 years old and going to the ICU.
I was in the ICU for the day and then that night they admitted me. Kept me for test after test after test. I can tell you the horrors of imagining the bill every time anyone handed me anything or did anything to me. No one had yet to tell me "You had a stroke". The doctor (neurologist) actually suspected that since I was so young, and have frequent headaches, that I might have had a seizure. Then later the next day (early day 3-how crazy is that medical care? sarcasm intended), after my MRI, he returned to correct himself, apologize, admit his surprise and say I had indeed had a stroke.
While in the hospital word spread and visitors and calls ensued. It was a neat blessing to see who is there when LIFE happens and you need them. I was so grateful for my sister-friends that never leave me or forsake me in the way of Christ whom we share. It was humbling to be "hospitalized" yet feel so normal. Hard to sit there smiling you are alive; but know that you thought about ending it; but you were alive and loved and cared for.
I am realizing that I forgot to explain that by the next morning (Day 2) I was pretty much back to normal. So, I was in the hospital and they were figuring out what was "wrong" with me and I just wanted to go home. Well, I did in fact have a stroke so they needed to know why. I was healthy-newly! Thanks to Weight Watchers I had lost 40+ pounds and was exercising. My blood work was good. More tests! Come to discover I had a hole {patent foramen ovale} in my heart. Go figure! So, I take baby aspirin. Make sure to walk around every few hours to not get a blood clot. And get to blame every forgotten mixed up word on "stroke brain". They sent me home Oct. 31.
As I recovered I admittedly suffered from depression, nothing new for me, but it was different from my regular old depression/anxiety. I knew that this experience was "for a purpose" but I was stuck in my pity party. For a few months I HAD to take a nap (that in itself was depressing-I know you mothers that NEED naps don't agree :) Mostly, I lived in fear of another stroke. I was living in the present like there was no future.
Thankfully God had gone before me and prepared me ahead of time for this. In so many more ways than I have time to mention here. But I will share with you one of the main events God used to shake up my pity party and I recommend it for others you know that are struggling with their life post-stroke (or otherwise). See, I used to work with individuals with disabilities before God called me to stay-at- home. So, much had been prepared in my mind about living with a disability. I had also read a book that was written by a man who had a stroke "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: A Memoir of Life in Death" The book was written entirely by him blinking one eye.
Well, the book was made into a movie. Then one day when God had had just about enough of my pity party HE let me see it; and that did it. (I am posting the Trailer at the end of this blog if you want a peek.)
I spent my time, on the couch, watching the movie by myself. Weeping! and weeping! and got off the couch a new woman! Praise God!
I was meant to live for so much more! I could still talk, walk, move! Dance! Shout! Yes, one day I may have another stroke; so, while I can live, LIVE! I could also get hit by a bus. For goodness sake live your life while you can! Whether I do or don't have another stroke is not the point at all. The point is life has a purpose and you have to live it to figure that out. As hard as that may seem at times...
Presently, I sit here feeling like I am still stuck. But the HEART of the issue is coming to the surface.
"Have you ever wanted something so bad that you would do almost anything to get it? Have you ever gotten so close to fulfilling a dream only to have it disappear right before your eyes?"
Well, truly I know that much of my struggling is that I am not living out what I feel that I am created to do. My husband and I presently don't see eye-to-eye (update*though through a conversation last night we may be more eye-to-eye than I thought :). It is not something I have talked about much on my blog as it is truly very painful. I desire to be a mother again. and again. and again. For that to happen would require my husbands heart to change and a lot of money. My focus today is on the HEART and that is the heart of it. I want to be a mommy, again. I feel like it will never happen. Ultimately though, God's will will be done as I follow my husband. Obedience trumps worse case scenario... a theme I have heard a lot this week. ( Here and Here ) Whatever the scenario! amen
.
As I reflect now I think "Wow! To see then and now. To have a record of your life "pre" and "post" is pretty interesting. Are the things on my list of little concern to me now? NO! Still the same worries, fears, struggles, exact same. Some new things to add in fact! "What is different then?" you ask. Everything! I'M still ALIVE! I am fully functional. I am still a bit stuck but that is going to work itself out as I follow God. Each year on my stroke-a-versary I will have the opportunity to write about what God has done. It will never again be like the journal entry a year ago.
Nothing is different and everything is different. I sit here this morning with more hope than I have had in quite some time. To quote *Tom Davis in Red Letters: Living a Faith That Bleeds:
"Transformation did occur when I would hear the words of Jesus and obey them, no matter how I felt. The more I obeyed, the more I was transformed. I was becoming a different person because I was living my self into it. I was becoming the words I saw on the page. The words Jesus himself spoke." *page27
That is my hope! Becoming the words! Trusting His ways when they aren't my way. Being present. And like a piece of the sweet prayer my husband prayed over me this morning : "Let Your voice, Lord, be the only voice she hears!" It a matter of HEART! and mine is being transformed!
So, do you know what the #1 Killer of Women is? Heart Disease!
I guess you can look at that very biblically and recognize that we are all heart diseased. Praise God we have a Father that sent His son so that we can have everlasting life.
Here is some important information about stroke to educate yourself:
I was SHOCKED as I was researching things to add to this post for you all that TOMORROW is WORLD STROKE DAY ! Really? Really, Lord! The day after my anniversary-world stroke day. You amaze me Lord~ your timing is perfect!
Breast checks are important but so is the HEART!
Update 2012 ***10/27 which would be the eve of my stroke and significant for me because it's when I wrote my journal entry. I am sitting here preparing for the rivalry Florida Georgia Game today. Our family is gathering. My son-in-love is smoking meat and all of my family will be there. Extended in-laws and friends as well. I can't help thinking how RICH my life is. I have a brand new precious grand-daughter. We are foster parents to a 3 year old blessing. We are second-grandparents to 2 precious joys with another on the way. Our son is growing into a man. Our lives are blessed! I have since had another stroke that did leave me with some health problems that I have battled. I am fighting the "thorn in my flesh" , of depression with suicidal ideation, with medication and the WORD OF GOD! It has not been an easy journey. It is a journey, though, that I thank God every day that I get to make!
Update 2014 I am sharing this and realizing some more information may be wanted. I have "labels" on the side of the blog if you want to explore topics. However-shortcut to two important ones.
Not sure if you have heard of having a Memorial Box for your family. I heard about it a few months ago and I think it is the neatest idea!
Man I missed Monday AGAIN! but I am posting this anyways!
This Memorial Box story is represented by a RED GLASS HEART!
“Jen wake up!” She hears the words but she is dazed as she awakes from the much needed nap. “Is she dead?” She asks. He leaves the room only to return with a solemn look and a nod. She weeps, not for the mother she has lost but for the girl that is left behind. It seems so long ago that she was a happy newlywed without a care in the world, though it was only two and a half short years ago. How things change.
Now the marriage seems like a farce and her only parent is gone. “What am I going to do?” she asks herself. She looks down at her mother. She grasps her mother’s palm, gently removing the red glass heart that had been placed there for her by a friend to, quote “hold on to the heart of God.” It was still warm. Surely she is not gone. She had heard of people hovering over their dead body in near death experiences. Could she be seen by her dead mother? She better straighten up. Chris Wright was a strong woman determined to be independent. She would want her only daughter to be strong, in control, and unemotional. But she could not hold back the tears. Though selfishly she was only crying for herself, it was too late for her mother.
She looks around the small room that used to be an office; now conveniently converted into a mother-in-law suite. Things foreign to her home now presided over the room: a hospital bed, bedside commode, many medicine bottles just steep reminders that her old life was gone. She remembers back to a few weeks ago when she had fought with her mother. She was cleaning the room and her mother was not as big a fan of tidiness as her daughter. She asked her to stop, “just let me finish.” Her mother looked annoyed at the response but said nothing. Later after she had bathed her mother they were working together to get her dressed. She was just trying to help when her mother responded harshly with “let me do it myself!” To which she replied “I just want to help you, it would be so much easier for you if you would let someone help you!” Her mother responded angrily and it shocked her “You are cleaning my room when I don’t want you too, touching my stuff, and I can’t even take a shit without you there, you have to bathe me. I just want to try to do it myself” “Mother you have two broken arms, why do you have to be so difficult? Why can’t you let someone help you?” Her mother began to cry in a way that she had not heard in a long time. Only a few times had she had the opportunity to see her mother cry. But she had heard this cry before it was a broken hearted weeping last heard when her mother had lost her mother. She was not expecting this. She remembers her mother pointing for her to leave and she obeyed; then went to her room a fell across the bed and wept for her mother and prayed.
She glances around the room and pauses as she looks at the door and is reminded that she came back to her mother and asked if she could explain. Her mother obliged. “Mom, Your whole life you have done everything for yourself. You raised yourself, you raised your sister, and you raised me. You have always done everything for me I ever needed. Will you let me return the favor? I feel helpless in the situation and the least I can do is help you take care of yourself. I want to. We need each other and God isn’t going to let you die until you let someone do something for you!” She hated that she had brought God into it. She wasn’t completely sure how her mother felt about God. How could this be such an important topic and she was afraid to discuss it with her mother. She knew her mother had had her baptized as a baby, and was not antagonistic when as a young teen she had told her about her committing her life to Christ and being baptized in the Atlantic Ocean; but she also knew that this was the same mother that had never been to church with her, who she had never heard pray, and that when they found out she was over 5 months pregnant had said “if you had told me about this sooner we could have done something about this” implying abortion. These last few months of dehumanizing cancer had turned her mother into something entirely different than she was before: Someone completely dependent on another person for the most basic of human needs. She realizes as she sits alone, that that conversation as painful as it was was a healing experience for both of them. She was glad she had said that because from that point on things had been easier.
As she sits in the chair beside her mothers bed looking upon the shell of her mother’s body she realizes her whole life all she ever wanted was to be loved. That is why she fell on the ground and begged for Jesus to enter her heart because the minister said “He would never leave us or forsake us and loved us as we were” That is why when a young man paid her attention she gave her heart away without thought or care. She remembers three days earlier she heard the words she always wanted her mother to say. As a young girl she would say them to her mother and wait only to be disappointed that they were not reciprocated. Paramedics were bringing her mother in through the back door of the house. They had brought her home to die. That is what she wanted. She was very heavily medicated for the trip to try to make it as comfortable for her as possible. She had been in a great deal of pain as the cancer had eaten through her bones causing fractures. As they wheeled her into her room she opened her eyes and looked around and an overwhelming look of peace passed over her mother’s face. Her mother looked into her eyes and mumbled three tiny words that will forever reverb through her life as the three greatest words. Though her mother was heavily medicated and her speech was slurred the young woman knew with everything that was within her what her mother had said… “I love you”. Her mother never spoke again or awoke fully again. As she sit starring at what was not her mother at all, but something like a shadow, she knew she was loved. She knew she had always been loved, but something about those three words, she knew that only God knew how badly she needed to hear them. She knew that they had to have come from Him, the one who infinitely loved her. She rose leaned over her dead mother and gently kissed her hand and said I love you. Then she held up what was in her hand, gave the red object a good look and then tightly grasped “the heart of God.”
In my thankfulness section I have listed, neighbors, and love and this weekend I am thankful that both come together as a special young lady in my life, Lauren, gets married.
Lauren was my neighbor. Now she is family.
We lived in some "low income' apartments that were not so glorious; but I miss the glorious times we had there. God did miracles in our lives and the lives of so many others in our years at Timberwood Trace.
2 years after we moved in, some new neighbors moved in. I was excited to see that they had teenage girls and a son that looked to be my son's age and they had a baby. We were friendly enough at first-nods and cordial waves. Polite but brief introductions. We watched them come and go as I am sure they saw the same of us.
in time...
The boys hit it off as boys tend to do-it only takes a ball and mere presence and you are best friends. It is funny to hear the girls talk now about how each separately asked the boys about their sisters to get to the other. Both girls were named "Brittany" (each spelled different) and they became best friends, through the years sisters. Well, Brittany had an older sister Lauren. I would watch her come and go with her friends and wondered what her life was like. As she got into the car with her teenage friends and drove away I wondered: Was she going off to "party" as most teens do? Staying out to all hours...imagining the worst because of my own poor life choices and what of boys?
Well, I later found out that her mom referred to me as "the church lady" in a mocking way. She would hide her cigarettes if I was coming to talk. It is so funny because we too have become great friends; and we DO laugh about the perceptions we had of each other. It really wasn't that we had wrong perceptions it is just that our acceptance and understanding of those perceptions changed as we grew to "KNOW" and LOVE each other.
So, we were the "Christian" goody-goody folks; and they were those, who like us, God died to save. Brittany we later found out was newly a believer (some previous neighbors had been an example to her). As the "brittany's" friendship grew-they spent more and more time together. Britt would go with us to church (we went A LOT) and she eventually went to summer camp with us. Well, Lauren would never go. It wasn't her thing. Well, while we were away at camp, she went! -HUH? Weird. But amazing! Well we got the call at camp and all the leadership jumped and shouted as we got the news that "Lauren had given her life to Christ."
It's kind of funny to think about why Lauren went when we weren't there. I imagine it was to check out this "Christianity" thing with out the pressure of our watchful eye. Lauren is very much like my "Brittny". First born, serious (born 30), reserved... She has a wall up for a bit before she decides if you are trust worthy. We were grateful as her life changed to get to know this amazing young woman. To sit and counsel and just be present in her life. As she let the walls down and let us into her life we were so privileged to see this young woman grow into a beloved daughter of Christ!
In youth:
She served on leadership teams
Went on mission trips
She homeschooled herself
Stayed "free" of typical teenage drama to name just a few...
Then (still grossly understating the reality...):
She went to bible college (hours away)
Worked to put herself through school (still working)
She decided not to "casually" date anyone, until "the one"
and now she is getting married!
Richard is a man approved by God. Desiring to do God's work. Serving the least!
I am delighted for their FUTURE together as man and wife!
Praise God for a God who is in the LIFE CHANGING business! and that He let's us be witness to every glorious bit. We just have to be alert and look for it.
I am so grateful for these neighbors. I am sad. too often, that we still don't have a worn grass path between our dwellings. I am sad that miles separate. But I am even MORE thankful that we will spend ETERNITY with this family because of the love Christ has shown us!
So, now all "my" girls are married (well not KK, who is also my girl). But I need to feel a little sappy right now. Yeah for weddings!
*Well, I will be absent from blogging (and email laine clayton :) for a time to attend this event. How will I ever catch us in my dashboard?
Prayer requests:
Pray for us as we travel 5.5 hours, not counting stops for babies and stroke patients.
Girls and guys are traveling separately as the men have to work.
Please pray for our car (guys driving) as it has some "mechanical difficulties" and will require much divine intervention to make it there and back.
Rejoice with me in a time for our entire family to be together to celebrate this blessed event.
Praise God for His miracles in allowing "coincidences" to turn into a place to stay for FREE (3 bedroom town house-together! FREE) ! Our Lord is So good!
Pray for Lauren & Richard as they begin their new life together; modeling God's love to the world through His creation: Family!
Is it going to be worth it? What does it all mean? I am stuck here, doing life Living in-between.
Doing what I ought not, Avoiding what I could, Only making living harder, Tougher than it should.
How to get back on track? It all seems for not, All the things that steal my focus Not doing what I ought.
How to get back on track? Doing what YOU will, Lord I need Your guidance, To have Your peace, live Your way, to be still.
I am so ashamed. I am so distraught. It’s amazing how a little fun Will magnify the “ought”!
The Ought to do this… The ought to do that… Instead we are satisfied Doing what is whack!
Television, movies, Internet and games, Stealing focus, numbing hearts Making life insane!
What to do? Where to start? The time is getting late. Who can help? This is a mess! The shame it is so great.
Feeling like a failure To my husband, my family, my God. I don’t know how to get my heart in line, I feel stuck, and sad, and odd.
Everyday trying to smile, Everyday pressing through, Accomplishing nothing, Fooling every one of you. Not fooling myself, Each day feeling worse. Wanting a cure, a miracle, an answer To save me from this curse.
Did I do this to my own self? Is it my mother’s fault? Have I cursed my daughter? Not doing what I ought.
How to break from this misery? How to end the shame? How do I start, get back on track Head, full force, in the game?
Nice when life brings busyness To take me away from the pain Nice to have a break An excuse to avoid the shame
Am I living a lie Can anybody know The whispers of the evil one Putting on a show
Things they aren’t that bad They are not too far gone The evil one has a plan But his is all wrong
I want to live, I want to conquer this mess I want to do it right and have great success
I want to make my husband proud Not be a source of shame I want him to have honor Bringing glory to his name
Have I said enough? Is it all out? Now, I have now spent another hour Not doing what I ought.
Bonus massive deposit in the LOVE BANK for the hubby TP who surprised me, which isn't easy to do, with a trip to Savannah, GA to celebrate 15 years of marriage! That is 17 years together. I never thought it would last, that is just honest. I am thankful the Lord had a better plan for our future!
He truly went all out in the planning of this one and THAT surprised me more than anything. He bought me new outfits so he could have me "all packed" without me knowing. Literally all I had to do was through my deodorant and toothbrush in the bag. Crazy, spectacular.
We toured, talked, and delighted in each others company. Exploring the beauty of the Savannah that I had never seen. I love him more than I ever could have imagined. Not because of the trip, that is just a fact!
Have you ever just had a "moment?" A moment that in the moment felt like just any regular moment; then, BAM, a light is switched on and/or something unsuspected happens and it is A MO-MENT! Praise God! A significant, life moment. No? You haven't? Of course you have! God is using this bible study I am doing to wreck me moment by moment. Praise God for moments like this:
In God's economy up is down. I have said of these last days in my journey with God I picture life like a "house of mirrors;" everything is an illusion. Good may be bad, bad may be good, beautiful may be beautiful or possibly ugly. Trust nothing that makes sense!
I have struggled the last two days with serious issues and ugliness and questions. I am trying hard not to snap back into "who I am." When asked the question: "What scares you most about your next adventure with Him?" Answered truthfully: me. I am so good at prettying things up. Acting how I know I should. Trying to do the right thing. Ugh! But I know I have this ugliness in my heart. All these questions. Anger! Doubt! Fear. "These things are not of God; I might have said to myself. What if they were? Rather than stopping being ugly because it is not the right thing to do-I have tried to stay ugly. Really figure out what it is, why do I feel this way? and I am NOT going to ignore it. Last night, no lie, these were my words: I want to cuss, I am so angry, I want to throw things, smash things, I could go in the kitchen and break dishes and feel goouuuhhood about it. My husband acted as if he hadn't heard me (I wouldn't doubt in warfare if he hadn't) but I felt ignored, tossed aside, like he didn't care that I could implode at any moment. What was I so angry about? Everything and nothing at the same time. Just and inward boiling. I awoke. Trent prayed over me, sweet encouraging words and all I could do was inwardly argue and think what if this is who I really am, what if I am never nice again? Will you still be the right kind of husband if I am NEVER the right kind of wife, will you stay on this path with God, surrendered if I go off the deep end? My turn to pray. I could really only say-Help me be real. I am so sorry. Honest.
Fast forward. Face down before God. A word came into my head. REBELLIOUS! I was humbled. I had been so angry at everyone in my world for their rebellious nature and look at their model! Ugh! I was sick. Mostly in a very humbled way. Now this was not some long spiritualized moment, merely seconds. Then I, feeling divinely inspired, decided I would put this word before my eyes to remind me of who I REALLY am. So I got up and went to my desk and took a red marker and began to write the word "R-e-b-e-l... wait I better check my spelling... OK 2 l's...l-i-o-u-s" I look down at my sign and my heart sinks! I wrote the WRONG word! Ugh! I wrote REBELLIONS! Are you kidding me. Red hot frustration flushed over me as I picked up the pen to correct my error; thoroughly pleased (sarcasm intended) that I would now have to walk around with red marker and now a scribbled correction further proving not only am I rebellious but an screw-up as well. In a moment... just a second, no less, the Spirit of God within me prompted me: "look again". Wait... what does it say? Wow! A word I penned with my very own hand, inspired of God, something I double checked, then wrote with confidence, and how quickly my heart sunk when things were not what I thought-then they soared because all along I HAD written REBELLIOUS but look things are not always as they appear. In a moment God showed me I can deceive myself with my very own hand and eyes. Soaring because He took a moment to teach me a lesson and I gave Him the moment to do it. There are rebellions because I am rebellious. The change in those I love starts and will only be fully recognized once there is a change in me. What hope do I have to offer the rebellious if i am still living out daily the sin of rebellion? I WANT hope, for God's sake, so I can give hope. Well, recognizing I am rebellious was a step on this pilgrimage toward "Stepping Up" with God in.
It was a high that lasted but a moment. A moment well worth it. A significant moment in what seemed like an insignificant morning. What in your life is not what it appears? Who are you deceiving? Yourself? Can you give God a moment? He'll show you great things.
Psalm 120 (Holman Christian Standard Bible)
A Cry for Truth and Peace
A song of ascents.
In my distress I called to the LORD, and He answered me:
"LORD, deliver me from lying lips and a deceitful tongue."
What will He give you, and what will He do to you, you deceitful tongue?
A warrior's sharp arrows, with burning charcoal!
What misery that I have stayed in Meshech, that I have lived among the tents of Kedar!
I have lived too long with those who hate peace.
I am for peace; but when I speak, they are for war.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, who changed my life; and continues daily in this process.
I love my husband and am grateful to have a life partner to journey with.
I am honored to mother 2 beautiful children and delighted He gave me 2 more teenagers to mentor, who became as a daughter and son. I now relative-foster a sweet boy who is showing us joy in new ways. We have A LOT of baby grands! We are blessed.
As I journey I am figuring out ministry, mission and life. It is never a boring path; and ever-changing for sure! The comforting thing for me is "He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.(Job 23:10)" All because of HIM!!
