I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD.
Today is a significant day for me. See, 4 years ago, this day, I sat alone with God and wrote my heart out in a journal. It would be the eve of my stroke, but obviously I didn't know that at the time.
"The next time I would return to that journal would be post stroke, post
hospital stay, post realizing I had a brush with death. I could not
even face what I wrote on the eve of my stroke for weeks. I knew. I knew that I had wanted to die but GOD had allowed me to live." Expert from blog listed below.
It's long, but it's a story that I hope those that love me will take the time to read. Especially those new to my life. Honestly, it has made me who I am today.
Update 2012 ***10/27 which would be the eve of my stroke and significant for me because it's when I wrote my journal entry. I am sitting here preparing for the rivalry Florida Georgia Game
today. Our family is gathering. My son-in-love is smoking meat and all
of my family will be there; extended in-laws and friends as well. I
can't help thinking how RICH my life is. I have a brand new precious
grand-daughter. We are foster parents to a 3 year old blessing. We are
second-grandparents to 2 precious joys with another on the way. Our son
is growing into a man. Our lives are blessed! I have since had another stroke that did leave me with some health problems that I have battled.
I am fighting the "thorn in my flesh"
, of depression with suicidal ideation, with medication and the WORD OF
GOD! It has not been an easy journey. It is a journey, though, that I
thank God every day that I get to make!
Looking at this image I think, I would have never seen my daughter marry. I would have never seen ANY of these babies had God given me my way. The truth is, I didn't WANT to die. I suffer from an illness. It's a battle that I fight. Though I do not have to fight alone...look at the good things the Lord has done!
So, do you know what the #1 Killer of Women is? Heart Disease!
Earlier this month I saw that the NFL was going "pink" for Breast Cancer Awareness Month on tv and I thought aloud "Pink... they should have chosen heart disease to cover since it is the #1 killer of women and the color is red, which would look better than that ugly pink" ...skip 1 beat, look at my husband as I say aloud what he is thinking"Well... guys do care more about breasts than hearts!" We laughed together! A funny moment for a not-so-funny topic.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of my STROKE or as my first-born called it my "stroke-a-versary". I know October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month but it will forever be JEN SURVIVED A STROKE MONTH in my household.
Forever! I will have to remember that on the eve of my stroke I sat disillusioned with my life. I was on the couch, alone, reflecting on my life. Miserable. Contemplating being done. Upset with God that I could even think such a thing. My first journal entry from that morning 10/27/2008 said:
"Lord, I am completely overwhelmed I cannot even write right now."
Then 10 hours later I sat on the couch and wrote:
"Lord thank you for time alone. I don't know what you want to do in this time. God I am feeling myself slip. I am distancing, avoiding, hardening-I feel such anger, sadness, fear that I have a hard time breathing. I wanted to take this time and let you search me. I am afraid to deal. I really don't know where to start."
Then the list began... words on a page...too many to list... some too shameful to share
my marriage
our finances
children
depression
anxiety
weight
the company
paperwork... ... ...
Three columns! a long list of real, imagined, past, present and future junk!
Here is the HEART:
"God I truly want to flee right now. It is not rational. I love my husband, my kids, my life. Why do I want to leave? I think things appear too big, too hard, too complex-and honestly I don't want to let you work on a lot of it. But I do. Why did You create me like this? Ugh!"
The next time I would return to that journal would be post stroke, post hospital stay, post realizing I had a brush with death. I could not even face what I wrote on the eve of my stroke for weeks. I knew. I knew that I had wanted to die but GOD had allowed me to live.
As my husband tried to wake me that Tuesday morning 1 year ago, I was difficult to understand. Trying to figure out the best way for you to understand is difficult. The best I can explain it is: as I spoke- in my head I sounded "normal" but my ears hearing my voice knew that what I was hearing didn't sound like what I said. Then after the second time of me grumbling and not wanting to get up, I sat up, my hubby looked at my face. Now it is funny now... but terror was what I saw. I laughed in my head thinking "what is the matter with him, he is freaking out, I mean come on, what is so bad, I just don't want to get up" Not having ANY idea that my face is crooked, my eyes are wandering and dropping and I look like a freak (to put it nicely). He leaves the room to (unknown to me at the time) wake my 19 yr old daughter saying "get up I think your mom just had a stroke." Nice to be waken to I am sure. Not.
Trent decides to try to get me up and I don't know what he thought he was going to do with me... but I am insistent that I have to take a shower. Now all the while- to me--I AM NORMAL. Trent is freaking! I think it is funny. He tells me my face is drooping, I know my speech is odd-I determine I have Bell's Palsy frustrated that I will have a temporary drooping face; I know it is temporary; I guess I'll go to the doctor, after my shower of course! (I am still in bed at this point) Then I get up to walk--I couldn't. I began to drift and could not walk straight. My husband is in front of me (still freaking-I still think it is funny-past and present) trying to steady me. Did I mention my vision was "off" I wear glasses, but this was worse. Very blurry, had to close one eye to see half-straight. Then there was confusion. Now, in my right mind, I would KNOW I didn't have Bells' Palsy-I was having a STROKE! At the time, I had NO IDEA! NO IDEA!
As I stood, wobbly, swaying in the shower I nearly had a heart-attack (ha) as I opened my eyes after rinsing my hair because I felt someone staring at me (you know the feeling) and AHHH! There is Trent's face in the glass door and he yells "you better hold on to something you are going to fall" all serious looking. Again, amusing to me at the time. This man I love, absolutely freaking out, while I am amused. Thank God I was confused or I TOO would have been freaking. Trent helps me dress, does something with my hair and we are off to the doctor. Trent, Brit and I, we left Hunter asleep with a note saying "taking mom to the doctor" as we didn't want to worry him. (BTW-we should have called 911 or went straight to the ER! That's hindsight.)
So, we went to the doctor and she looked at me and said it is definitely not Bell's palsy and you need to go to the hospital. For the first time it hit's me. I began to cry. Mostly because it was serious and we were having to go to the hospital and we do not have insurance. (Here is where I could tell you a whole lot more about health care and being uninsured but this long post is getting longer so I'll spare you-for know-I will say this GOD DOES MIRACLES)
We leave for the hospital. Upon arriving my daughter and I are amused at the "Sign's of Stroke" sign that I conveniently had EVERY symptom of so nicely posted at the sign-in desk. We wait. Brit takes me to the bathroom, I am already improving a bit. Then I see in the mirror for the first time with more consciousness what I look like! The horror! Not my face---what has my husband dressed me in?! No make-up, my hair! My daughter pulls out what cosmetics she has in her purse and we doctor my face up a bit. More waiting and then they call me back to triage. Then someone comes to transport and the triage nurse points and says "she is going to ICU" and points in my direction and then I, literally, looked over my shoulder to see who they were pointing at and there was no one there-they were pointing at ME! Me=Intensive Care Unit. What? It was becoming surreal. 35 years old and going to the ICU.
I was in the ICU for the day and then that night they admitted me. Kept me for test after test after test. I can tell you the horrors of imagining the bill every time anyone handed me anything or did anything to me. No one had yet to tell me "You had a stroke". The doctor (neurologist) actually suspected that since I was so young, and have frequent headaches, that I might have had a seizure. Then later the next day (early day 3-how crazy is that medical care? sarcasm intended), after my MRI, he returned to correct himself, apologize, admit his surprise and say I had indeed had a stroke.
While in the hospital word spread and visitors and calls ensued. It was a neat blessing to see who is there when LIFE happens and you need them. I was so grateful for my sister-friends that never leave me or forsake me in the way of Christ whom we share. It was humbling to be "hospitalized" yet feel so normal. Hard to sit there smiling you are alive; but know that you thought about ending it; but you were alive and loved and cared for.
I am realizing that I forgot to explain that by the next morning (Day 2) I was pretty much back to normal. So, I was in the hospital and they were figuring out what was "wrong" with me and I just wanted to go home. Well, I did in fact have a stroke so they needed to know why. I was healthy-newly! Thanks to Weight Watchers I had lost 40+ pounds and was exercising. My blood work was good. More tests! Come to discover I had a hole {patent foramen ovale} in my heart. Go figure! So, I take baby aspirin. Make sure to walk around every few hours to not get a blood clot. And get to blame every forgotten mixed up word on "stroke brain". They sent me home Oct. 31.
As I recovered I admittedly suffered from depression, nothing new for me, but it was different from my regular old depression/anxiety. I knew that this experience was "for a purpose" but I was stuck in my pity party. For a few months I HAD to take a nap (that in itself was depressing-I know you mothers that NEED naps don't agree :) Mostly, I lived in fear of another stroke. I was living in the present like there was no future.
Thankfully God had gone before me and prepared me ahead of time for this. In so many more ways than I have time to mention here. But I will share with you one of the main events God used to shake up my pity party and I recommend it for others you know that are struggling with their life post-stroke (or otherwise). See, I used to work with individuals with disabilities before God called me to stay-at- home. So, much had been prepared in my mind about living with a disability. I had also read a book that was written by a man who had a stroke "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: A Memoir of Life in Death" The book was written entirely by him blinking one eye.
Well, the book was made into a movie. Then one day when God had had just about enough of my pity party HE let me see it; and that did it. (I am posting the Trailer at the end of this blog if you want a peek.)
I spent my time, on the couch, watching the movie by myself. Weeping! and weeping! and got off the couch a new woman! Praise God!
I was meant to live for so much more! I could still talk, walk, move! Dance! Shout! Yes, one day I may have another stroke; so, while I can live, LIVE! I could also get hit by a bus. For goodness sake live your life while you can! Whether I do or don't have another stroke is not the point at all. The point is life has a purpose and you have to live it to figure that out. As hard as that may seem at times...
Presently, I sit here feeling like I am still stuck. But the HEART of the issue is coming to the surface.
"Have you ever wanted something so bad that you would do almost anything to get it? Have you ever gotten so close to fulfilling a dream only to have it disappear right before your eyes?"
Well, truly I know that much of my struggling is that I am not living out what I feel that I am created to do. My husband and I presently don't see eye-to-eye (update*though through a conversation last night we may be more eye-to-eye than I thought :). It is not something I have talked about much on my blog as it is truly very painful. I desire to be a mother again. and again. and again. For that to happen would require my husbands heart to change and a lot of money. My focus today is on the HEART and that is the heart of it. I want to be a mommy, again. I feel like it will never happen. Ultimately though, God's will will be done as I follow my husband. Obedience trumps worse case scenario... a theme I have heard a lot this week. ( Here and Here ) Whatever the scenario! amen
.
As I reflect now I think "Wow! To see then and now. To have a record of your life "pre" and "post" is pretty interesting. Are the things on my list of little concern to me now? NO! Still the same worries, fears, struggles, exact same. Some new things to add in fact! "What is different then?" you ask. Everything! I'M still ALIVE! I am fully functional. I am still a bit stuck but that is going to work itself out as I follow God. Each year on my stroke-a-versary I will have the opportunity to write about what God has done. It will never again be like the journal entry a year ago.
Nothing is different and everything is different. I sit here this morning with more hope than I have had in quite some time. To quote *Tom Davis in Red Letters: Living a Faith That Bleeds:
"Transformation did occur when I would hear the words of Jesus and obey them, no matter how I felt. The more I obeyed, the more I was transformed. I was becoming a different person because I was living my self into it. I was becoming the words I saw on the page. The words Jesus himself spoke." *page27
That is my hope! Becoming the words! Trusting His ways when they aren't my way. Being present. And like a piece of the sweet prayer my husband prayed over me this morning : "Let Your voice, Lord, be the only voice she hears!" It a matter of HEART! and mine is being transformed!
So, do you know what the #1 Killer of Women is? Heart Disease!
I guess you can look at that very biblically and recognize that we are all heart diseased. Praise God we have a Father that sent His son so that we can have everlasting life.
Here is some important information about stroke to educate yourself:
I was SHOCKED as I was researching things to add to this post for you all that TOMORROW is WORLD STROKE DAY ! Really? Really, Lord! The day after my anniversary-world stroke day. You amaze me Lord~ your timing is perfect!
Breast checks are important but so is the HEART!
Update 2012 ***10/27 which would be the eve of my stroke and significant for me because it's when I wrote my journal entry. I am sitting here preparing for the rivalry Florida Georgia Game today. Our family is gathering. My son-in-love is smoking meat and all of my family will be there. Extended in-laws and friends as well. I can't help thinking how RICH my life is. I have a brand new precious grand-daughter. We are foster parents to a 3 year old blessing. We are second-grandparents to 2 precious joys with another on the way. Our son is growing into a man. Our lives are blessed! I have since had another stroke that did leave me with some health problems that I have battled. I am fighting the "thorn in my flesh" , of depression with suicidal ideation, with medication and the WORD OF GOD! It has not been an easy journey. It is a journey, though, that I thank God every day that I get to make!
Update 2014 I am sharing this and realizing some more information may be wanted. I have "labels" on the side of the blog if you want to explore topics. However-shortcut to two important ones.
I love how we can speak to ourselves in the present from things in the past. I have been going through quite the difficult time of late and I was going through my personal writings and found this that I had wrote. I am reaffirming this for my life. Enjoy!
"Expression" of My Faith.
February 13, 2007
I wanted to share this with all my brothers and sisters :) Thank you ALL for loving me. How blessed am I to have so many people to love me through this hard time.This is my heart…
Come on and threaten me with prayer... I dare you to pray for me! Triple-dog dare! Oh! How desperately I need it. Not just for me but for my loving husband as well; since we are one: when I hurt, he hurts. I am so grateful for the relationships God has provided; each person serving their intended purpose. Please know that I know you are there for me. I am encouraged by my “family” who, as we all go through trying times, are still there cheering each other along through our trials. I am so grateful for these trials. I know that God is calling us to a higher and closer relationship with Him and each other.
These few years have been a challenge to say the least.I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Jesus is bringing up and putting to death lies and hurts to raise new life in me daily. Sometimes I am a more willing participant in this murder than others. Sometimes, I have to hold onto the dead things and truly grieve them, then pass them to my Father. What a disgusting picture, holding dead things but that is what it is for me. These are things Christ put to death on the cross; He has provided victory over them! However, I must give each of them over to Jesus:it has proved to be too much at times and freeing other times. Part of my deliverance.
As I am going through this makeover process it is painful and life threatening. I am shedding so much and realizing beneath the surface of it all, I am not sure who I am. I am not sure who I want to be, and I am not sure I have a choice to be anything other than God desires. He is my one true love! He is my desire. I seek Him yet I hurt. My past, that I claimed glorious grace over, is being raised to the surface to die a new death and grace everlasting! This time it is deeper! The beneath the surface stuff I didn't even know was there.
The whisperer is constantly trying to undo what God is doing. Thinking he can take down the weak ones-but we are alert, aware of his schemes; banding together to fight the good fight. Oh! We are called to a higher place!
I will allow the Father to use this time to refine me and make me over anew. And when He is finished I will go in the Refiner’s fire again because I have nothing else to live for but Him. When people look at my life I hope they see a life totally surrendered to God's will. Someone who saw the path of God and followed it scared to death of what’s ahead. Yet, fully trusting the dangerous love of the Father to sustain her each step of the way. If I plop down to cry, He kneels beside me and waits. If I run, He runs ahead and leads the way. If I hide, He is already in the hiding place waiting to be my shelter; He then gently restores me to light. I want people see the “Glory of the Lord” lived out in times of suffering and times of joy. I will bless the Lord at all times; not because I could but because I had to!
God revealed to me that the god I worshiped was not the One True God: The Alpha, Omega, Creator, Sustainer, Head-Lifter, Redeemer and Lover of my soul. I had a tiny god that eventually proved to be not enough. Thankfully! I have a God that desires me and comes after me with reckless abandon and does not leave me to my own misery and demise. No! He reveals Himself in new and miraculous ways through His creation. He has shown me love unimaginable! Through His Word He has given me life. Through my friends and family He has given me Hope for a new day.
Knowing that I had a good life is not enough. Knowing that I lived a "God" life is everything… even if I have to lose everything. That is scary to write; and scarier yet to imagine looking back on what I have written as I live this out. Hopefully, I will be found faithful to my word. If I stumble and fall I have hope that my “Family” in Christ will be there to remind me of these words and live them out alongside me.
Is it going to be worth it? What does it all mean? I am stuck here, doing life Living in-between.
Doing what I ought not, Avoiding what I could, Only making living harder, Tougher than it should.
How to get back on track? It all seems for not, All the things that steal my focus Not doing what I ought.
How to get back on track? Doing what YOU will, Lord I need Your guidance, To have Your peace, live Your way, to be still.
I am so ashamed. I am so distraught. It’s amazing how a little fun Will magnify the “ought”!
The Ought to do this… The ought to do that… Instead we are satisfied Doing what is whack!
Television, movies, Internet and games, Stealing focus, numbing hearts Making life insane!
What to do? Where to start? The time is getting late. Who can help? This is a mess! The shame it is so great.
Feeling like a failure To my husband, my family, my God. I don’t know how to get my heart in line, I feel stuck, and sad, and odd.
Everyday trying to smile, Everyday pressing through, Accomplishing nothing, Fooling every one of you. Not fooling myself, Each day feeling worse. Wanting a cure, a miracle, an answer To save me from this curse.
Did I do this to my own self? Is it my mother’s fault? Have I cursed my daughter? Not doing what I ought.
How to break from this misery? How to end the shame? How do I start, get back on track Head, full force, in the game?
Nice when life brings busyness To take me away from the pain Nice to have a break An excuse to avoid the shame
Am I living a lie Can anybody know The whispers of the evil one Putting on a show
Things they aren’t that bad They are not too far gone The evil one has a plan But his is all wrong
I want to live, I want to conquer this mess I want to do it right and have great success
I want to make my husband proud Not be a source of shame I want him to have honor Bringing glory to his name
Have I said enough? Is it all out? Now, I have now spent another hour Not doing what I ought.
I thought I would take a minute and share since I haven't been present in most of your lives this week (maybe longer). It would be real easy to sit over here anonymous and alone. Somehow I think that would be what the enemy would want (mostly cause that's what he keeps trying to convince me of) but not God who called us to be one (Ephesians 4:3-5*). I am not really in the greatest place right now; however, that really depends on "perspective". I am trying to decide how willing I am to let God "do something heavenly" in me. I am a person that has dealt with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for many years. God has taken me through many levels of victory and defeat in those years. I will say the level of victory was truly dependent on my "surrender level". In God's economy down is the way up. It will never cease to baffle me. Therefore to win I must give up. Sounds easy but we all know it is not.
We have an enemy whose purpose is to take us out by whatever means necessary. Do you think the thoughts, fears, and hurts you are dealing with are "just you"? "Everyone else has it together" so you need to look, act, pretend like you have it together too. I share a peek at my struggle with you for the sole purpose of showing you I do not have it all together and I somehow hope that will give you all hope to be real and not have it together right alongside me. Unless, of course, I am the only one of us that doesn't have it together in which case you all must carry me through this :) jk. Funny how no matter how insecure or secure we feel we have a tinge "what if I am the only one that is screwed up?" Again, maybe it's just me.
I can honestly say I have felt this "need" for help and someone to help me through this and as great as you all are you are not what I need. Yes, I want you... but only God can give me what I truly need. Thankfully though, God did not leave me alone. He has made me part of His body and therefore I am never alone. But if I am allowing myself "to be" alone I am not functioning in the body. We need one another! As we collectively, with all our junk, go to the Father and decide to surrender we tap into the greatest source of strength in heaven and on earth (Ephesians 3:16-19**). The power becomes ours.
So, I share a song (video-below) with you. This song I have heard many times, even sang the chorus loudly in my car. Yet, this morning when a friend sent it to me with a testimony of what God was doing in her life, I LISTENED. I heard the song for the first time. It is the direction I am heading. Want to go? Surrender to something heavenly!
love me
*Ephesians 4:3-6 (New Living Translation) Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all.
**Ephesians 3:16-19 (New Living Translation) I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
It's time for healing time to move on It's time to fix what's been broken too long Time make right what has been wrong It's time to find my way to where I belong There's a wave that's crashing over me All I can do is surrender
Whatever you're doing inside of me It feels like chaos somehow there's peace And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone Time to begin again Revaluate who I really am Am I doing everything to follow your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me I give everything I surrender... To...
Whatever you're doing inside of me It feels like chaos somehow there's peace Though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see I'm giving in to something heavenly Something heavenly
Time to face up Clean this old house Time to breathe in and let everything out That I've wanted to say for so many years Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me It feels like chaos but I believe You're up to something bigger than me Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me It feels like chaos but now I can see This is something bigger than me Larger than life something heavenly Something heavenly
It's time to face up Clean this old house Time breathe in and let everything out
Her final words to me…if you found out you only had 72 hours to live, how would you spend the next 72 hours? And, If you found out that in 72 hours you would gain all the financial independence you would ever need, how would you spend the next 72 hours? Live as if you are going to life forever and live as if today could be your last!
These words take on new meaning for me in light of my present circumstance. You see I have been clinging to the side of a pit trying to decided if I was going to keep hanging on or let go and give myself to its depths.
Well two days ago the Lord woke me with intermittent songs of praise courtesy of christian radio between snooze alarm breaks. I knew He needed my attention. He told me to tell the truth and confess what I was "really" struggling with. Not the surfacy "christianese". I started with a friend who interuptted my morning routine of spyspacing and I shared. I immediatly knew I had to put scripture up around my house. Begin replacing the LIES with TRUTH. I needed to surround myslef with God's promises.
Isaiah 40:28-31 (New International Version) 28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Philippians 3:8-9 (New International Version)8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.
2 Corinthians 10:5 (The Message) 3-6The world is unprincipled. It's dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn't fight fair. But we don't live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.
2 Samuel 22:2-4 (New Living Translation)2These are the words he sang: "The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; 3 my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold, my high tower, my savior, the one who saves me from violence. 4 I will call on the LORD, who is worthy of praise, for he saves me from my enemies.
Psalm 32:7 (New Living Translation) For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory.
Isaiah 41:10So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Psalm 63:8My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.
I cleaned, praised and prayed. I sat down in the afternoon to watch Oprah-which I rarely do.
And what was it on? Suicide survivors. People who had survived unbelievable circumstances and were thankful to be alive. Most had found the Lord and were using their trial to rejoice in triumph. I wept. I knew I was not going to keep clinging to the side of the pit but I was going to fight my way out of it!
The next morning I confessed the truth to my husband and accountability partners. I had the wonderful opportunity of sharing with my daughter and listening to her heart on things she was struggling with. I had a sister, friend, and daughter all-in-one; I am truly blessed.
Today is a new day, I feel refreshed. I know that darkness is receding and what was I awoken to this a.m.? {song} Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on And there will be an end to these troubles But until that day comes Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
Oh no, You never let go Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go Lord, You never let go of me
As soon as it came on Trent went to hit snooze and I said "wait!" I listened and smiled and said, you can turn it off now that was all I needed to hear. We snuggled in closer trying to fall back to sleep before the next anticipated interruption. God is in the interruptions.
My battle is not over. It is an ongoing one I will fight to some degree the rest of my life. I still need prayer. But what I need most is my Jesus. He is with me and He will never let go!
Who knows what I would do if I found out that I only have 72 hours left to live. I would most undoubtably spend it rejoicing over the life I have lived and all God has brought me through with my amazing family and closest friends. I hope I live a life with no regrets or unforgiveness so I do not have to waste those precious moments trying to make things right. I try to do that right away.
I would want to see the Grand Canyon one last time; it is quite a thing of God's majesty. I would want to have a praise and worship fest and sing and dance and praise my God! I would want to be held by my husband and sqeeze my children. I probably couldn't say I love you enough.
These are just a few things but sobs have taken my ability to fully write much else. I want to live like today is my last, but man does the hum drum of life get in the way. I want to ponder this more. Maybe I will ask myself this everyday for awhile until it is in the forefront of my mind. We are not supposed to worry about tomorrow and only live for today.
Matthew 6:34 (New International Version) Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
On Sunday I was having one of the worst days yet I know it was the best day. Everything is so two-sided in my life right now. It is so weird and hard to explain. The Lord is begining some art projects in my heart and that is a new thing. I'll share as led.
Regarding church on Sunday, October 08, 2006 ; I didn't even want to go. Being alive at this point is the best I can do. But I knew it was a lie. Staying home, alone was NOT the best thing. Going and praising my Jesus and being with my family was.
In the back of my head I knew I needed to talk to Janice it was something I was supposed to do after the last blog I posted. I still hadn't done it. See after two good days, I then had one of the worst days yet. So I crawled back into the pit that I was fighting to get out of before. I feel like I was peering over the side and deciding if it was safe to come out. I still wasn't sure based on the pervioius days conversation with my husband.
Convienently we pulled in the parking lot at the same time as Janice and Mark. I scurried inside. I immediatley went to talk to someone else-necessary-yet avoiding Janice. Why, because I knew she knew. There is something about being known. It is comforting yet completely scary at the same time. When you know someone knows you know they know the depths of your hurts. We shouldn't avoid it, but somehow we do. Janice caught my eye, I saw her coming, she embraced me and I lost it. She took me aside and listend and spoke truth over my life. Truths I know yet the enemy is speaking a lie for every truth and I am tired. She told me not to give up. I DON'T want to give up. But it is hard. I am having to take every single thought and examine it and determine if it is a lie or the truth.
I do have to say though I am so grateful to my God that He is allowing me still to have a sense of discernemt. I at least have hope so many that suffer from depression do not have the light. Do not know the truth so they can replace those lies. I am thankful for the two-sidedness. I at least have the ability to see that they are lies.
You don't know (or maybe you do) how amazing it is for me to be in a place a "family" where I can be real. I can come in and cry my heart out (and look like a wreck) and look around at people that genuinly love me. That don't want me to hurt, but are willing to let me hurt and be there with me in that hurt.
Quincey spoke about "Battling in Worship" and man did it hit home with me. It was a battle, I was fighting. But I knew I was not alone. Many are there with me. Several times the enemy tried to speak lies to me while I was praising God-and at one point-I almost gave up in battle then the music stopped and Q asked if anyone wanted to testify-Janice spoke amazing words-then Devin shared this poem:
There is a heart of such distress that I carry in this chest please reach out and caress in your pillowesque manner.
Front and center right here and right now I'm throwing in the towel I've committed too many fowls I've flown south.
My sprits turning sour I can't go through another hour, me my precious pretty pink petite flower that blooms in the night and leave me in the dark by your moonlight no more fight. I never fought anywhere so I thawed and now I'm here on these knees distraught.
Crying out to you pretty please, pretty please take this disease turning these insides brown my smile turns to frown and my breathe smells like death.
Because I am dead to light and a light is something I don't know that you would have me feel but this is for real and I need you right now, I need you right now.
So seal the deal with your stamp of regeneration and grow me up into a new creation taken from a tree and plucked from a vine, if it's my time to shine then shine your light on me so that everyone hurting can see that there is hope, hope in the seemingly endless valley full of rotten fruit left behind from previous troops that are now in your mountains drinking directly from your fountains, save me a spot I will be there sooner than not, I'm picking up the pace and slowly starting to trot. "There is Hope" by Bradley Hathaway
That was it! Hope! I have that! It was all I needed to hear I stood up and sang and danced before my God. I knew I had to fight. The battle is strong but He that is in me is stronger. I am being real getting honest. Being who God created me to be. I accept this thorn in the flesh called depression. I accept it but it will not take hold of me. I am getting help. And I want to say to my church family and dearest friends that I am grateful that you are here during this time in my life to help me through this. Watch, you will see God's glory. Those that are looking, look and you will see because I am the Lord's daughter, princess, warrior and He loves me. God has a purpose in everything. I am praising Him for this trial.
Thank you for those that are praying for me! Thank you for listening!
Preface: If you have not read my previous 3-4 blogs some of this may not make complete sense. Well, maybe it will make sense but you would have a fuller picture of what has been going on in my life with reading the blogs.
There is an interesting thing about death in the life of a Christian. It is what seperates us from most other religions; resurrection in this life!!! Some believe in life after death but I believe in new life after life. It has happened in this life several times and I am hoping upon hope that it is coming in this life. I feel it. My mind and actions are starting to come into line with this hope and it is encouraging. It is a battle moment by moment to fight the lies. But at least I am fighting.
So, yesterday I went to a medical doctor and a counselor to get help. A huge step for me. I was met in the office of my doctor with a piece of art on the wall; a simple picture of gladiolas. Uninteresting unless you read the caption: Dare to Hope Again by Sophia Dare and below that, this: "This I recall to my mind, therefore have hope. It is becasue of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23.
How crazy is that? Not crazy at all if you do not believe in coincedences and that God is in control of EVERYTHING! What was the most encouraging hopeful thing was that through a freakishly long unimportant story-they both referred me to the same "Christian Healing Ministry." How amazing is that. Great big sign in neon lights from the Lord. However, even this is not without pain because as I downloaded that application all 6,799,0984 pages of it (exaggerating a bit) I was like oh no, here we go. Deep historical look into my past, the past of my family, and occult involovement (you would be surprised as I was what is considered occult involvement). It will be interesting to see how this helps me and what I will be on the other side of this because I know it will be a new, new creation!! I am fighting friends. I am being resurrected!
So, as I have said in the past, the Lord often wakes me up to songs to communicate to me. It is our little thing. I listen when I am very sleepy to those subtle nudges sometimes they are songs in my head, but as in these past days (when my head isn't cooperating), it was a song on the radio. I heard the first line and thought-here it comes. THIS IS FOR ME!! "Listen child" I hear the Lord say. How powerful an experience for me!
I came out to greet my husband and said I need you to hear this song. He agreed. Satan really tried to steal my joy because I had internet difficulties, then I called technical support and finally politely hung up on them because the guy was not "listening" to me. Then proceeded to solve the problem myself-but alas i am rambling about things that do not matter except for the fact that I persevered and found the song. Here it is :
Nicol Sponberg-Resurrection I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place How did my heart become so lifeless and cold Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing wind I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give I've lost the feeling and I'm down to the core I can't fake it anymore.
chorus: Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea You have a way of turning winter to spring Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus 2: Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You have a way of turning winter to spring Make something beautiful out of all this suffering chorus
Holy cow! That is an amazing song but the lyrics aren't as powerful without the drama of the music! Check it out if you desire.
I want you all to know I am not hopeless and my God has continued to be my rock. I am under a spiritual attack. The enemy will not win because the battle has been won on the cross and with the resurrection of Jesus Christ. He will not have my life, the life of my family or the life of my friends. I may feel sad on the outside but on the inside there is a fierce warrior and she is being strengthed day by day. This will be used to bring glory to Christ alone! I am nothing without him and everything in Him!
It is still a battle to breathe some moments, I am "flat" somewhat at times, it is a struggle to do "normal" things but I am pushing through-with God's help and much encouragement from my friends and family. Thank you for allowing me to be real. There is freedom in being who you really are.
Every 18 minutes in the United States, someone dies by suicide.
This fall thousands of men and women will walk in over 70 communities across the United States, each contributing their voices to break the silence surrounding suicide. Walk to save lives...By walking in the 2006 Out of the Darkness Community Walks to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), you will be walking with thousands of people nationwide to raise money for AFSP's vital research and education programs to prevent suicide and save lives, increase national awareness about depression and suicide, and assist survivors of suicide loss.
Walk in honor of a loved one...Many of our participants walk in memory of a loved one lost to suicide.
This is what I will be doing this Saturday morning. With my family and friends; walking out of the darkness. My life has been personally and tragically affected by suicide. My grandmother committed suicide when I was in the sixth grade. I could never understand why or how she could do that until I was in my twenty's and faced a deep haunting depression that fought to take my life. By the grace of God I made it through that time in my life. However, I recently have again been haunted by thoughts that are trying to steal my light. BUT the LIGHT that is in me, Jesus Christ, is more powerful and he loves me so much more than I can imagine. I have had amazing an amazing husband and friends to confide the thing that wanted to stay in the darkness-they listened-and helped me fight. By bringing this secret out into the light and letting all that care to see see I know that only God and God alone will get the glory in my life.
Ephesians 5:8-14 (New International Version) For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."
And while I question the "why" of going through this I do not question the "how" watch me. I am coming out of the darkness.
Isaiah 9:2 (New International Version)The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.
I read in a World Vision magazine "Have you noticed that any source of light looks brighter and more powerful at night? The darker the darkness, the more dazzling a light appears. I've found that the same is true of the light of the gospel. It shines most brilliantly when it pierces the world's darkest corners." (World Vision/Winter 2006/p4)
How can a cherished wife and the loving mother of two, who takes every opportunity to praise her God and serve Him ever contemplate suicide? Because I have an enemy that stalks his prey like a roaring lion seeking whom he can devour (1 Peter 5:8). I looked lame on the battle field, worn down from a war that I wasn't even fighting but the enemy underestimates the power of Christ in me. I do not fight alone. While I don't know all the whys, I know this time has a purpose- I know because this has been made so real to me: the reality of facing death--I cherish life more. I find pleasure in simple things. I am seeking to do the things I have always wanted to do. I am walking to signify to my Lord, myself, my family, and my friends that I want to walk out of the darkness. It is Christ who works in me to will and do His good pleasure. The Lord delights Himself in me… broken, but made whole in Him. (Philippians 2:13, 1 Kings 10:9, Matthew 15:31)
I am coming out of the darkness; fighting for my life, riding on the shoulders of my daddy because I am too weak to walk.
If you care to support me personally as I walk you can donate by clicking here.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, who changed my life; and continues daily in this process.
I love my husband and am grateful to have a life partner to journey with.
I am honored to mother 2 beautiful children and delighted He gave me 2 more teenagers to mentor, who became as a daughter and son. I now relative-foster a sweet boy who is showing us joy in new ways. We have A LOT of baby grands! We are blessed.
As I journey I am figuring out ministry, mission and life. It is never a boring path; and ever-changing for sure! The comforting thing for me is "He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.(Job 23:10)" All because of HIM!!
