Worth the Fight

I know the pain is all too real.

The lies that tell you "death won't feel."

They beckon from another place, 

Subtle lies truth can replace.

You think death will be the answer.

The more it asks, it makes you question. 

Is the pain of now the place to stay?

Or would it be better to go away?

Absence is no answer to pain! 

Things won't stay, they grow and change!

The lies become whispers instead of shouts.

The living easier to love about! 

Loss is too great a burden to give.

You have a purpose you must live! 

The hope you find will be faith to share!

It'll turn on the light and banish gloom and despair! 

You can't see what tomorrow holds.

Or know the beauty that's still yet to show.

Hold on dear son as God makes a way

For you to live beauty in another day. 

I have battled the whisperer most of my life.

He has lied and teased and tried to take my life. 

But you, my dear children, my husband and friends...

I think of your lives after mine ends...

I want to show you it's possible to live,

With pain, heartache and brokenness to give.

A chance to show others it's possible to be,

Filled with hope, joy, love and not just misery.

The fight is worth it!

You're proof that's for sure. 

You wouldn't be you had I not been here

Imagine that son,

Imagine me gone,

Had I listened to the whisperer all along!

You have to recognize and give voice to the light,

Squelching the liar and tuning out the lies!

It's the hardest battle you'll ever fight;

But you'll know that it's worth it one sad night.

Because you'll see a soul that is battling like you,

And you'll know exactly what to do.

Because you've battled and fought and gotten strong,

You can show that sad soul a new way along.

There are so many beautiful moments I sit,

I pause and reflect and acknowledge I LIVE!

Vows

2010 Anniversary Date

As of today I have spent 1/2 my life with My LOVE, Trent Polk!
 
I am thankful that we have had the opportunity to walk together towards NO GREATER LOVE with Jesus Christ!
 
I wrote my own wedding vows. 

It was a poem that came to me...leaving his house early one morning.  Before we were ever engaged. Sad, that this isn't the start to marriage I recommend.  Although, we were not living for God in any way shape or form. Forgive me! I almost deleted this paragraph for relevance...but desired to leave it. So you can know...Christ changes things when we walk in the light!

But this came suddenly, while I was driving, I had to keep repeating it over and over until I could write it down. Thankful the words still ring true today!

You Are The One

You are my strength
when I cannot stop the tears.

You are the voice
that quiets all my fears.

You are the body
that gives me someone to hold.

You are the light
that leads me through the dark.

You are the arrow
that points me to my mark

You are my eyes
whenever I cannot see.

You are everything
that I want you to be.

You are the prayer
that I send to heaven above.

but most of all...
YOU ARE MY LOVE!

Sadly,  it wasn't too long after these vows that DIVORCE was all I could think about. Destruction was plotting to ruin us. Most people who know us now are shocked to know the rest of the story. I assure you it wasn't pretty--but now it is one of the very things GOD HAS MADE LIGHT!

I are forever grateful to a friend, Terri Green,  that invited me to a Woman's Retreat out of Arlington Baptist Church that changed my life... I am thankful to that church for having scholarships for those that couldn't afford to go.

I am thankful that Christ proved Himself to me, through His word, and the teacher who sadly I don't know her name,  through life-changing TRUTH: 
THAT ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN COULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

I am thankful that God gave me the desire TO TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD!  I am thankful that Jesus is the Word! Word!

I am thankful to Psalm 34. When I was afraid of the Bible.  It was what I read daily for years.

I am thankful that Laine Clayton, started sharing the Left Behind series that prompted my husband to get back in church.

I am grateful to Sandi Caldwell-Rahimi to being LOVE to me.  And inviting me insistently to Celebration Baptist Church .

I am thankful for Celebration Baptist Church for accepting us and loving us right where we were. Walking us through becoming Christ followers. It will always be our HOME church! Though now it is called Faithbridge Church :)

I am thankful for Ray and Kim Reeves with whom we have done life together and couldn't have done it without! Jesus with flesh on. We, collectively, have never had to go through a struggle, minor or life-shattering, alone.  What comfort in Christ!

I am thankful that Jesus gave us an ARMY of support, those that battled with us, for us, alongside us!
Marriages, teachers, books, friends, youth, my own children!  Fighting the good fight!
I dare not write names, because I could never name them all!  Praise God!

These VOWS are nothing to take lightly. Trent said the traditional vows. 

We vowed to God, whether we took it "seriously" at the time, or not.  We vowed till death do us part.

I am so grateful Christ gives us the strength, as we seek Him, to honor the covenant we made!

It's not easy. We have an enemy.  However, Our God is greater!

As we seek to live our life in a way that brings glory and honor to the Father...I pray that when people look at our marriage that they know it was ALL because of Jesus!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

Connections

We are connected!
What happens to ONE, happens to us all!
If you drop a stone in a lake the ripples are felt
top, depth, width, breadth...
No loss, no hurt of another, no sin offended
leaves us, the connected, unaffected.
~Jen Polk circa 2011

 Today I FEEL like this.  ^

A ball of yarn, or ribbon, both
wouldn't mean a lot to most
they can't see the beauty hidden
or connectedness in the life we're livin'

Where does one heart stop
and another begin?
Where does your hurt start
and my pain end?

It's somewhere in the in-between
a place where faith and Spirit meet
Where we see we're more than we're meant to be
We're woven into a beautiful tapestry

I stopped there because sometime my "rhyming" make me nauseous.  I can't help it...I don't try.  It just sort of happens.

I am dealing with a lot lately.  Much of it isn't my own "hurt".  But it effects me.

Divorce, loss of a child, miscarriage, lack of leadership, displacement, abuse, abandonment,

Success, abundance, graduation, mission, birth, new life, growth.

I call myself beautiful mess.  That's how I feel. 

Fortunately for you, I talked a lot of this out with my good friend Laine, so I'll spare you 2 that read this the drama behind all of it all.

The HEART of it is: We are not unaffected by others life circumstances and choices. 
Unless we choose to be...then we need to look within. 

Images stolen borrowed from here:
Water: http://www.lehmanmac.com/?attachment_id=480
Yarn: http://awoollytail.com/product-detail.asp

 

Ought Take 2

Staying on track
doing what is purposed
each and every task
considering HIS service.


Uniting with my husband
to efficiently run this home
in manner worthy of God
knowing we are not alone.


A day started on our knees
rejoicing in accomplished tasks
there's still much to do
but it is within our grasp.

Jesus give us Your strength
to get through this day
serving you our Lord
in every task today.  



Back in July I wrote the poem posted below.  I am glad to say that lately it has been the opposite for me!  That means a lot less blog time. However, I am so delighted that THINGS are getting done.  We have some big business and financial issues that we are working through and appreciate you prayers!

Talk to you soon!  Love me!

OUGHT!      July 2009
Is it going to be worth it?
What does it all mean?
I am stuck here, doing life
Living in-between.

Doing what I ought not,
Avoiding what I could,
Only making living harder,
Tougher than it should.

How to get back on track?
It all seems for not,
All the things that steal my focus
Not doing what I ought.

How to get back on track?
Doing what YOU will,
Lord I need Your guidance,
To have Your peace, live Your way, to be still.

I am so ashamed.
I am so distraught.
It’s amazing how a little fun
Will magnify the “ought”!

The Ought to do this…
The ought to do that…
Instead we are satisfied
Doing what is whack!

Television, movies,
Internet and games,
Stealing focus, numbing hearts
Making life insane!

What to do? Where to start?
The time is getting late.
Who can help? This is a mess!
The shame it is so great.

Feeling like a failure
To my husband, my family, my God.
I don’t know how to get my heart in line,
I feel stuck, and sad, and odd.

Everyday trying to smile,
Everyday pressing through,
Accomplishing nothing,
Fooling every one of you.
Not fooling myself,
Each day feeling worse.
Wanting a cure, a miracle, an answer
To save me from this curse.

Did I do this to my own self?
Is it my mother’s fault?
Have I cursed my daughter?
Not doing what I ought.

How to break from this misery?
How to end the shame?
How do I start, get back on track
Head, full force, in the game?

Nice when life brings busyness
To take me away from the pain
Nice to have a break
An excuse to avoid the shame

Am I living a lie
Can anybody know
The whispers of the evil one
Putting on a show

Things they aren’t that bad
They are not too far gone
The evil one has a plan
But his is all wrong

I want to live,
I want to conquer this mess
I want to do it right
and have great success

I want to make my husband proud
Not be a source of shame
I want him to have honor
Bringing glory to his name

Have I said enough?
Is it all out?
Now, I have now spent another hour
Not doing what I ought.

OUGHT!

Is it going to be worth it?
What does it all mean?
I am stuck here, doing life
Living in-between.

Doing what I ought not,
Avoiding what I could,
Only making living harder,
Tougher than it should.

How to get back on track?
It all seems for not,
All the things that steal my focus
Not doing what I ought.

How to get back on track?
Doing what YOU will,
Lord I need Your guidance,
To have Your peace, live Your way, to be still.

I am so ashamed.
I am so distraught.
It’s amazing how a little fun
Will magnify the “ought”!

The Ought to do this…
The ought to do that…
Instead we are satisfied
Doing what is whack!

Television, movies,
Internet and games,
Stealing focus, numbing hearts
Making life insane!

What to do? Where to start?
The time is getting late.
Who can help? This is a mess!
The shame it is so great.

Feeling like a failure
To my husband, my family, my God.
I don’t know how to get my heart in line,
I feel stuck, and sad, and odd.

Everyday trying to smile,
Everyday pressing through,
Accomplishing nothing,
Fooling every one of you.
Not fooling myself,
Each day feeling worse.
Wanting a cure, a miracle, an answer
To save me from this curse.

Did I do this to my own self?
Is it my mother’s fault?
Have I cursed my daughter?
Not doing what I ought.

How to break from this misery?
How to end the shame?
How do I start, get back on track
Head, full force, in the game?

Nice when life brings busyness
To take me away from the pain
Nice to have a break
An excuse to avoid the shame

Am I living a lie
Can anybody know
The whispers of the evil one
Putting on a show

Things they aren’t that bad
They are not too far gone
The evil one has a plan
But his is all wrong

I want to live,
I want to conquer this mess
I want to do it right
and have great success

I want to make my husband proud
Not be a source of shame
I want him to have honor
Bringing glory to his name

Have I said enough?
Is it all out?
Now, I have now spent another hour
Not doing what I ought.

Shining a Different Light

As the orange grows richer, deeper and more intense above the tops of the trees it makes me mourn how many days in my life I miss this. Your sun rising, gloriously, to proclaim a new day. Building beauty and awe with each passing moment. Each glance more beautiful than the last. Then, there it is! The blinding light, so bright you can't even look at it; sending streams of warmth on each thing it touches; casting a golden glow and illuminating the new day. So bright and beautiful it is difficult to behold and even harder to comprehend the ways of Your SON.

Mystic Waters

The glassy surface of the water looks like a magical crystal ball. As the sun casts its oranges and reds across the surface and the morning fog swirls about creating a mystical effect, it is a sight to behold! You wonder: has the Lord told it the secrets of the future? Does the water know the time?

For Joan to benefit all

A message from the Lord to my heart
By Jen Polk prompted and gifted by the Lord
Written to Joan Redmon 1-21-08


So much is happening in our lives this very day.
The Lord is hard at work and we must stand in faith.

Do not fear the winds howling or fret about the fleshly thorn.
Jesus Christ is all you need to get you through the storm.

He carries you on wings of eagles, though you feel dead and gone.
"Nothings getting better Lord and I feel broken and alone."

He whispers gently in your ear "you will never be alone;
come my child sit on my lap, while I sit upon the throne.”

Blessed trinity: Spirit on my left side and Jesus on my right
you are there in the midst of us though we are out of sight.

"I rock you but you can't feel it, unless you're very still.
Listen to my heartbeat child and trust my way, my path, my will."

Struggles, trials and life’s other joys!

So, I want to start blogging regularly. Those of you that do, I admire you!

There is so much I want to write but I thought I'd start with kind of where I am right now.

It has been a struggle since we moved to South Carolina, not that there weren't struggles before; but I was able to be distracted by many things and not ultimately deal with the issues. I have had to be totally alone with God and that has been amazing. Not to say I haven't thrown some baby fits, I have.

(Warning-I am probably NOT talking about you-so don't read too much into what I am saying) One of my largest battles has been over the change in friendships. It is amazing to me how people we spent a lot of our life with, once we are locationally challenged have presently no contact with us. I have written and left messages with very little return response. I was very hurt for a while but God with His ultimate mercy has allowed me to see the bigger picture (though what I am sharing with you is my small picture). One, appreciate the past-but don't live there; Two, He will cut off that which isn't producing fruit in my life-eternal kind. Three, people are busy and it really isn't personal. Four, He has the people in my life I need in my life-including some of you! I was very insecure about this hurt thinking that "our friendship must have been a lie" and many other whisperer lies. But God Himself has written on my heart His truth. Thankfully I am beginning to be okay.

Now the REAL heart issue that does still hurt is being away from those close friendships that are forever. My best-est friend in the whole world is pregnant and I feel a huge hole by not being able to be there. I am so sad to think of not being a regular part of this baby’s life. I can't talk about it any more because it is making my cry. And another best-est friend is going through a bunch of stuff right now and I want to just be able to go and hang out but ultimately know it is a friendship of sacrifice not convenience and that it will all be good! Most amazingly God has allowed a new precious friend to enter my life who I wasn't totally close to before I moved and now she is a rock in my life and I thank my God for her heart and present-ness in Jacksonville to be my eyes, ears, and heart and
minister to those I love. She has also selflessly listened to my ranting and held me steadfast to the truth. How amazing is my God!

Another struggle has been in taking over the business (for those that don't know-we moved hereto take over Trent's dad's company) not much I can really go into but let's just say it has NOT been what we expected---but we know God knew that-so Hey, we'll see. Please pray for us!!!

So that is basically all I feel I have time to share right now. Never mind, I feel led to share the poem God and I wrote together a few months ago-it is very personal but I have to be transparent: written 10-12-05 don’t copy this cause I will sue!!

My heart is filled with wonder,
Was it all a dream?
Were these brothers and sisters that grew so close
Not really what it seemed?

Vanishing so quickly,
But a faint memory,
Attempted correspondence
Brought heartache and misery.

Though I want to tell you,
I wish it were not so;
I wish that I could say
Expectations were not supposed.

I want to be the friend that
No matter what or how long
Will always be there
To help brothers and sisters along.

Lord please takes the hurt and expectations
And allow me to release
All the emotions that I 'm feeling
And place them at your feet.

Precious Lord, I know it would not please you
For me to hold on tight.
Heavenly Father, please release me!
I give up this no win fight.

The change me come in me, I know!
For I have learned you reap what you sow.
I know that in Your time
You will bring back these friends of mine.

Busy lives, hurried wives, churches to attend,
Ministry, family, dinners with their friends...

Pitiful, lonely, emotionally drained,
Overwhelmed, overcome with these feelings that remain...

This, Precious Lord,
Is not the way you would have me feel!
No, You would say...

Beautiful, satisfied, emotionally content,
Beloved, hearts desire, you are heaven sent...

On mission to the world, girl leave it all behind
For great is your reward if you keep one thing in mind.

I Am the one that sent you,
I know the path you take,
I Am the one that formed you,
and prepared you for this place.

It may not seem a place of honor,
but child I pay attention.
I know the things I have for you,
too many to even mention.

Do not lose heart my child
these things you want are not all wrong;
but they aren't my very best for you
it's time to move along.

Do not forget the past
and those friendships that you made.
They were a precious gift from me!
Don't let the memories fade.

Precious, you are one that's been content with what I give and take.
Give up this fight, you know in your heart the plans that I make
are not plans to harm you, make you feel lonely and afraid.
They're plans of a future and hope, not some emotional game that's played.

Dear one, do not be deceived into thinking you know what's right;
you know full well, I'm in control and you've lost another fight.
Fight not being the proper word, neither would be lost...
No, I would say...surrender, love and do not count the cost.

For My treasures are beyond comprehension,
My rewards not quantified,
My reason beyond understanding,
Your heart will be satisfied!

Faith to trust, Grace to love
and Peace you can't understand!
Hope to endure, Glory to shame,
and Joy beyond common man!

Oh Abba! how I thank You,
Your words they mean so much.
Your wisdom and understanding prove
You Are So Much More Than Enough!

Oh, how I love Your ways, Oh Lord!
Thank you for fresh fire,
God, You Are my Everlasting Hope,
my only Hearts Desire!

Though I feel like Job, only not having lost it all.
Only a few things, only a season, summer turned to fall.
Losing my sight is scary, the never ending headache, pretty rough.
Aches and pains a plenty, winter could be tough.

But You are ever with me!
Though I thought I needed the support of my friends,
what I truly needed was the Friend That Sticks Closer Than a Brother,
whose friendship never ends.

The End

Okay, there it is! It's all out there-I feel so OUT THERE! But it's all good. I also feel freedom in being and saying who I am. I'd like to say after this, and all God said to me! I had a clear understanding and began to heal-but NO, I had to hang onto it for awhile and chew on it-though I am sure that is not what my Abba wanted for me. But alas, here 4 months later I am finally beginning to get it!

I love you all. And for those of you who made it this far-Hey! Thanks for listening!

Love me!