I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD.
I have truly come to believe I live in some altered state of reality.
I guess what it is: I have a *new reality*
I can't believe I have a medicine container like an old person that separates my Rx to am/pm and contains a mass of pills for each day. I am diligent about my medication after February's event. I feel it helping and that means the world.
I can't believe I have had to join support groups to deal with the reality that I am chronically ill. I am EVER thankful that they exist. Seriously, to not fight alone and to have others "get it" has helped immensely.
I can't believe I wear a Medic Alert bracelet. The thought of something happening when no one is with me terrifies me. This bracelet has a number that can be called and they will notify medical persons of my health, medications and contact my emergency contacts.
I carry my diagnosis with me to explain it to those in the medical community that are unaware of Hemiplegic Migraine. You would NOT believe the stories and lack of understanding of this disability.
I plan my day around MY nap. Yes, the toddler naps (so I blame it on him to most people) but reality is it's ME that has to nap. Not wants to, not because I am lazy, not because it would be nice if...no I full on pass out dead to the world. From research I have come to learn that since my left side is weaker my brain works twice as hard to make me function normally.
Most of the people "IN' my life have NO idea what I deal with on a daily, weekly basis to TRY and stay well. It really requires too much effort to explain it to them anyway. I did find a story, shared in a support group, that does a pretty good job: The Spoon TheoryWhile I do not have Lupus, this is very much how I have to balance life.
I wrote this more of an update for ME to remember. In case you have come searching for help...here you go:
This post is long, and written mostly to document, for myself, the events in the last week. Feel free to skim.
Last Friday, February 1st, I had the "trippiest" migraine aura. It was a beautiful moment in time, actually, and I hadn't had such a crazy beautiful cacophony of experiences in a long time and actually took a photo to remember the moment.
See it's good I took a picture, because guess what, it was WEDNESDAY, January 30th . Around 2pm.
If you are unfamiliar with aura, it is visual symptoms that generally indicate that a migraine is on the way. Though not always. This particular day, the sun was warm, the wind was cool, and the sky was beautiful. I was laying on the back patio trying to get some sun to help with my depression. I was looking at the sky and noticed that a little shell shaped "thing" was flitting around in my vision, I started to see spots, (in my head I knew this was aura, which confused me because I had already had my monthly cycle which my migraine typically precedes) Well, the aura began to put on a show. So, I just lay there wishing I could record it because it was beautiful. The spots lined up and were layered from me to the cloud and then moved up and down, closer to me then closer to the clouds. Dancing spots. I was sad to see it go. It was crazy. I moved on about my business the whole show lasted about 10 minutes.
Flash forward to Friday. I had to run errands for our business. While trying to get on the property at an exclusive resort, I had to wait for the computer system to register. The guard told me to give it 20 minutes. He sent me to wait in a lot next to the guard gate. While waiting, I felt it coming. First nausea and then intense pain in my head. (my classic migraine is "dull", this was not) I describe the pain as "twangy", intense and coming out of the top left side of my brain. As the pain grew, I knew there would be no way I could do the task I was sent to do. So I headed home, well the pain and nausea were so awful I almost stopped to have someone come get me. However, I was too far away. I had to drive. In my altered state, I got lost on my way home. Not totally lost, but went the wrong way and thankfully saw a road I recognized and realized I was going the wrong way. My phone was dead. It was a mess. I couldn't get in the bed fast enough once I finally made it home.
The next morning, Saturday, I felt better. Went about our day completing the task I failed at the afternoon before. Well, buy 2pm the same thing started again. Same cycle as the day before. Except I didn't get lost because Polk was with me :)
Sunday, I awoke to worse weakness on my left side but no headache. (I am always sensory impaired on the left side-with slight weakness--I describe it as if on a scale of 1-10 the weakness and difference is a 1 {normally}) This was a 3. I could definately feel a difference. You could see a difference in my face.
Compare the sides of my face. Right down the mid-line.
Most people look at the picture and say, you look beautiful. Thank you. I, however, see (and feel) that my left side (right side of picture) is different. You will see my cheek is not equal to my other side. My smile isn't the same if you compare side-to-side. I am grateful it isn't worse. However, its really weird and not fun.
Now, the entire left side is evenly impaired. It's just you can "see" it in my face. My whole side feels a little more difficult to move. Like it's dragging (but it isn't visually)
So, it continued like that Sun, Mon, Tues...then on Wednesday morning I awoke and thought "I can't move my arm" I was worried I had had a stroke and was paralyzed. For a second I thought "Oh no, I can't move" then as I rolled over I realized my arm could move it was just really really heavy. So, the weakness and numbness had worsened.I was keeping my baby grand that morning. When my daughter walked in, I said I am not sure if I can hold the baby let me try, well I could. I was over compensating with my right side. So...I kept her. I noticed my head was hurting. This isn't all too unusual but the worsening weakness was concerning. Well, as the morning continued I was googling and found Hemiplegic Migraine.
How had I never heard of this? It sounded just like me.
I was worsening, and I have to tell you, I feared a stroke was coming. Last stroke I was not near this bad and BAM! So I was terrified. The scariest thing is feeling it in my throat, half is numb, and occasionally I would choke on my spit. My voice didn't sound like me (though others said they couldn't tell) I guess it was more a "feeling" too.
Well, I knew I was in a cycle and needed to get drugs to stop it. Due to insurance, or lack there of, I had to go to the ER. My daughter works a Mayo Clinic and was getting off at 1:30 and said why don't you come to our ER? That would be the fastest for sure, as the headache was intensifying. So, I made arrangements for D. Packed the car and headed to the ER.
Aside--let me tell you- if you want top notch fast service in an ER-have a stroke and you are in! I was moved ahead of frail old people in wheelchairs. I felt bad, but a stroke is nothing to play around with.
They performed every test under the sun.
Here's the admission. I did this to myself. Not intentionally, but it's still my fault. Remember that post about insurance-yeah-I don't even WANT to go there. However, I have to briefly. My medication is expensive. Especially expensive when you are self-employed and can barley keep your employees working through off-season. So, I stopped taking my meds.
My line of thought "who knows if they are even helping. They put me on them after the last event, but I never took meds like this before so who knows if I even need them, I dang sure can't afford them, I'll just stop and see what happens, probably don't even need them, wouldn't that save a lot of money"
I know I know!
So, they were convinced (as was I) that this was a (they said it not me) Complicated Migraine and to take my meds and follow up with neuro. The nuerologist said that I should get genetic testing to confirm the diagnosis of Hemiplegic Migraine.
Anyway, to make matters worse the ER doctors were going to switch my meds to something more affordable and then when I was discharged said my meds were on the $4 list at Wal-mart so they didn't have to switch. Commence me flipping out and actually doing math, which I hate, to see how much moeny I could have saved had I had that little piece of information. I left feeling so ashamed of myself. I had not only stopped my meds, but could have afforded them, I was sick and I could have been better.
About the rx: Well, that wasn't exactly true. The dosage that I am on is not $4 at Wal-mart but it's $85 so I have been saving money using the Walgreens Rx plan and getting it for $65. However, I am going to see if my doctor can adjust is so i can take 2 or the 120mg which are $4 and stil save. Anyway.
So, now it's been a week. I don't know how long this will last. It takes patience with myself and patience from others.
I am trying to get into the Neuro ASAP-but that is no easy task. Don't even get me started on insurance believe me that is an entirely different post that I do not have the energy to type.
To help others understand I figured out how to describe how it feels to accomplish tasks:
You know those weights that you strap to your ankles or the little hand weights that women use for toning. Light, 1-2 pounds. Well, everything I do feels like my left side has a weight attached. Like right now typing: It feels like I am wearing a weighted glove and my fingers on my left side have to work 3 times harder than my right to do the same task. Holding up my phone, with my left hand, feels like holding a 5 pound bag of sugar to my ear. I can do it. It's just exhausting.
Yesterday, I wish you would have seen my folding D's laundry. It's like every little 4T shirt weighed 2 pounds. Sort of funny. I did it though! However, the second load that needed to be folded had to wait. I was just too exhausted.
Friday:I have a little more movement Again, compare side-to-side Chin line, lips, etc
So, I feel like my condition has a name. HEMIPLEGIC MIGRAINE A confusing name. More frustrating because I am finding out from other migraineurs that many doctors have no experience with this rare neurological disorder. I am sure my neurologist is familiar, he is the Program Director of the Neuroscience Institute. He calls it "complicated migraine". I just wonder WHY he hasn't called it Hemiplegic Migraine yet. I will know soon enough.
What's funny, is looking back at the time of my last event I even called it a Hemiplegic Migraine and still never really put it all together. IT'S NOT JUST A HEADACHE
A name is important.
By having a name, I have found a community of support.
By having a name I can tell people "Google Hemiplegic migraine" and they can read about it instead of just looking at me like I have 3 heads.
Oh, and back to juicing for me. I need to do this with all that is in me! I MUST JUICE!
This morning my like-a-daughter posted a thing on FB by one of my favorite devotions "My Utmost for His Highest" I thought it was fitting for how I was feeling:
Are You Exhausted Spiritually?
The everlasting God . . . neither faints nor is weary —Isaiah 40:28
Exhaustion means that our vital energies are completely worn out
and spent. Spiritual exhaustion is never the result of sin, but of
service. Whether or not you experience exhaustion will depend on where
you get your supplies. Jesus said to Peter, “Feed My sheep,” but He gave
him nothing with which to feed them (John 21:17). The process of being made broken bread and poured-out wine means that you
have to be the nourishment for other people’s souls until they learn to
feed on God. They must drain you completely— to the very last drop. But
be careful to replenish your supply, or you will quickly be utterly
exhausted. Until others learn to draw on the life of the Lord Jesus
directly, they will have to draw on His life through you. You must
literally be their source of supply, until they learn to take their
nourishment from God. We owe it to God to be our best for His lambs and
sheep, as well as for Him.
Have you delivered yourself over to exhaustion because of the way you
have been serving God? If so, then renew and rekindle your desires and
affections. Examine your reasons for service. Is your source based on
your own understanding or is it grounded on the redemption of Jesus
Christ? Continually look back to the foundation of your love and
affection and remember where your Source of power lies. You have no
right to complain, “O Lord, I am so exhausted.” He saved and sanctified
you to exhaust you. Be exhausted for God, but remember that He is your
supply. “All my springs are in you” (Psalm 87:7).
So, I am off to rest in HIM!
If you care to know more about my journey through stroke and "complicated migraine" there are labels on my blog. So look on the right and scroll.
Today is a significant day for me. See, 4 years ago, this day, I sat alone with God and wrote my heart out in a journal. It would be the eve of my stroke, but obviously I didn't know that at the time.
"The next time I would return to that journal would be post stroke, post
hospital stay, post realizing I had a brush with death. I could not
even face what I wrote on the eve of my stroke for weeks. I knew. I knew that I had wanted to die but GOD had allowed me to live." Expert from blog listed below.
It's long, but it's a story that I hope those that love me will take the time to read. Especially those new to my life. Honestly, it has made me who I am today.
Update 2012 ***10/27 which would be the eve of my stroke and significant for me because it's when I wrote my journal entry. I am sitting here preparing for the rivalry Florida Georgia Game
today. Our family is gathering. My son-in-love is smoking meat and all
of my family will be there; extended in-laws and friends as well. I
can't help thinking how RICH my life is. I have a brand new precious
grand-daughter. We are foster parents to a 3 year old blessing. We are
second-grandparents to 2 precious joys with another on the way. Our son
is growing into a man. Our lives are blessed! I have since had another stroke that did leave me with some health problems that I have battled.
I am fighting the "thorn in my flesh"
, of depression with suicidal ideation, with medication and the WORD OF
GOD! It has not been an easy journey. It is a journey, though, that I
thank God every day that I get to make!
Looking at this image I think, I would have never seen my daughter marry. I would have never seen ANY of these babies had God given me my way. The truth is, I didn't WANT to die. I suffer from an illness. It's a battle that I fight. Though I do not have to fight alone...look at the good things the Lord has done!
I thought all that health stuff was phooey :) apparently there's something to it :)
Bonus: I've lost 18 pounds. I was SHOCKED at the fact that I was hardly hungry.
Here is a Headache Comparison I created (mostly for myself) because I needed to "see"...I am very visual. Here is a link to the document:Headache Comparison Aug/Sept 2012
I
should have put this on that document...that when we juiced we juiced
breakfast and lunch. Allowed snacks. Had a regular, healthy, dinner.
Cut processed foods as much as possible (now we did have some chicken wings for football lol).
Nothing but juice water, crystal light for beverages. Then the three
days we fasted, we had nothing but juice and water. Not even snacks. One of my biggest fears was "we can't afford to do it" Well after a $2,000+ trip to the ER with no insurance....this is SURE cheaper.
There was upfront cost of the juicer. We bought the nicest we could afford. For those curious, we purchased a Breville Juice Fountain Elite.
Our grocery bill is so much less per week- its craziness
This weeks Farmers Market finds:
3 romaine $1
2 pineapples $4
8 pears $4
4 gigantic cucumbers $2
7 sweet potatoes $2
1 butternut squash $1
4 tomatoes $2
2 lemons & 4 limes $1.50
2 Kale bunches $2
1 bag of basil $1
Apples are $2 basket
we negotiated and got 10 baskets for $18 (this lasts about 2 weeks)
Total: $38.50
Here are some examples of some creations:
This
is BY NO MEANS an exhaustive blog or how-to----I just wanted to get
this out there for the 2 people who actually read my blog to see too.
LOL!
Well, after several more neurologist visits, ob/gyn visits and primary care visits, mostly with LOTS of tears, I am still the same.
I am weak & numb on my entire left side--head to toe--only a 1 on a scale of 1-10, so it's minor, but annoying.
I have debilitating migraines monthly sometimes (thanks to hormones bi-monthly)
Visual impairments that comes and goes depending on headache
Little sparkly twinkles in my vision before a migraine
numbness and tingling that worsens when a migraine is imminent
persistent, never stopping, tinnitus (ringing in my ears) that seeks to send me to the looney bin
breakthrough bleeding (thanks hormones that is my favorite {sarcasm intended})
and more but I am tiring of thinking about it all.
When asked "if there are any patients like me that are numb on their left side for months with no improvement, what does it mean?" my neurologist explained "well, when we have stroke symptoms that don't resolve...we know MRI's can only show so much" leaving me to believe what he didn't actually speak...but I had known all along...I had another stroke.
They have now put me on hormone replacement therapy to try to stop the menstrual migraines; however, I know have a whole new slew of symptoms that are almost worse than the alternative.
I am so beside myself with what to do.
Who can help?
My primary wants me to go back to the Ob/GYN and start over there. UGH!
Did I mention we don't have insurance?
Did I mention that this has caused depression to rear it's ugly head again?
Did I mention that when I get a migraine, I really can't take typical migraine medication because a side effect is stroke?
I am on so much medication and supplements that it is ridiculous.
I am sorry if this sounds a little discouraging but that sort of the season I am in.
But
He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected
in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my
weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. (2 Corinthians 12:9
HCSB)
I don't feel it...but I believe it!
I know that this is not my forever...and I am okay if I just lose a few days a month to migraine. My daily sufferings are minor in comparison. So many stroke survivors deal with so much worse.
Onward to more physicians...hopefully answers. If none, then I will take comfort that I tried.
I was feeling better....then it happened again....I am thankful for the 10 days that I felt "improved" but when it started all coming back it was so discouraging.
My doctor is now convinced it is hormone related since everything started up again about 1 week before my cycle. So, at least we know that....but now what are we going to do about it?
I have added magnesium to my daily regimen. I also started on a daily preventative medication. I did not want to go on prescription medication because honestly I know there are healthier alternatives...but functioning is critical right now...so my plan is to at least try the preventatvie and try to worth is some healthier alternatives and the wean off the medication.
We also have to see how the next 2 months go and if there is little to no improvement then I will most likely have to see someone to work on adjusting my hormones.
IF you don't know what i am talking about: CLICK HERE (if you care ;)
How do I feel?
Still numb on the entire left side
at times--worse numbness and tingling with brief intense period of pain
Headache
Fatigue
Sensitivity to light/sound and smell (only on the really bad days)
Nausea
Dizziness
Irritation
This is a visual representation of my life right now. I start to feel bad and get worse, then it is horrible for a day or so then I slowly start to feel better. Last month I had 9 good days....we will see after this cycle is done if it starts again.
I don't look forward to planning life events on the curve. Almost missed a wedding...but I toughed it out. I did actually go to church yesterday. Hopefully this medication will work and I won't have to deal with this anymore.
When people hear I am having "Complicated Migraine" instead of a TIA (mini stroke) I often hear "I'm so glad it's just a headache"
I get the sentiment. I really do.
However today marks 2 weeks of symptoms; and pardon me if I sound a little bitter, but it is NOT just a headache.
I am numb from head to toe. It has turned from interesting to annoying. It also has caused moments of "crazy" where I can be found sitting in my bed poking my face, rubbing my arms, trying to convince myself that they feel the same. It's hysterical (hind sight) if you could see me in my "rain-man" like state almost rocking and trying to convince myself "They feel the same, it's feels the same"...They don't.
Waking this morning thinking...I feel less numb today-I don't.
You can't hide my crazy!
Last Tuesday I was much more numb than I am now. I actually had noticeable facial paralysis.
Yeah, that was fun! I am so sorry that I do not have a working camera because it was a sight. It resolved after about 36 hours and Now it is hardly noticeable. I can tell. It's only slight now.
If you drew a line down the middle of my body...left side=numb. Throat, tongue, every part of me!
I got my menstrual cycle Sunday and talk about crazy. Crazy! Laying there and only on 1 1/2 of my body being able to tell the cramps. I could tell you other things...but I will spare you. You are welcome.
The best is listening to my male neurologist on Monday morning tell me "hopefully you'll be better once your cycle is compete". I had a good laugh with my daughter about how males blame everything on a woman's period; pwaahahaha! Well, after a little research--he may be right, but who knows!
Last Sunday started a new fun symptom of an "intense" almost "shock" without the shock--like when your leg is waking up from falling asleep---but it just stays in the intense buzzing phase. Can we say-not fun! It has improved and I have only had a little of that lately.
I have visual symptoms that are like looking straight ahead while watching transparent sperm float in your visual field. Also, at times it will be various sizes of balls of white that block my vision on the left side. Then there are "sparkles" where it's the typical twinkling stars.
Headache was not my primary complaint but it is the most miserable. I can take the dull-hey-just letting you know-I-haven't-gone-away headache but the I-am-going-to-make-your-life-a-living-hell headache isn't fun. The I-am-going-to-use-a-crowbar-to-lift-this-left-back-piece-of-your-skull headache is what started this.
Last week I started a cycle of steriods that was supposed to "fix me" in 24-36 hours. They didn't. While some symptoms improved (paralysis) others got worse (headache and intense feeling). I went back to the neurologist and they did a repeat MRI just to check if everything is okay. It is. Except for how I feel. So...it's neurological. I guess I just needed to vent and let everyone know: I am not better.
It seems like I am just stuck in a cycle of "event" after "event" with varying severity, symptoms, and level of function. For the most part, I'm up and dealing. There are times though, where it's just too much. I am so thankful for my family and friends who at any moment in time would do anything I need. Thankfully I haven't needed much.
We are waiting to see what happens before we do something drastic like go on a preventative medication. I mean this has happened once (maybe twice) I don't want to go on something "chemical" to prevent it. I am not completely closed to the idea...just would rather try natural things first.
I have added magnesium to my regimen. So, we will see.
I guess I am glad it's just a HEADACHE. However, to me, because it's effecting EVERY area of my life--it's not JUST a headache...
While the stroke-like symptoms can range from worrisome to debilitating, the good news is that no permanent nerve damage occurs from this type of migraine.
Migraines are unpredictable and unique to each person. You may have a hemiplegic migraine headache with extreme pain and minor paralysis one month. Then the next attack might bring extreme paralysis without much headache pain at all. (Geesh)
Symptoms of hemiplegic migraine include:
Severe, throbbing pain, often on one side of your head (check)
A pins-and-needles feeling, often moving from your hand up your arm (check)
Numbness on one side of your body, which can include your arm, leg, and/or one side of your face (entire left side of body=check)
Weakness or paralysis on one side of your body (check)
Loss of balance and coordination (occasionally=check)
Visual aura, such as seeing zigzag lines, double vision, or blind spots (check)
Language difficulties, such as mixing words or trouble remembering a word
Slurred speech
Dizziness or vertigo (occasionally=check)
Nausea and vomiting (occasionally=check)
Extreme sensitivity to light, sound, and smell (occasionally=check)
Confusion
Decreased consciousness or coma
I have read every (exaggeration) thing on Google about it. It's crazy! Truthfully, I only have a minor case all things considered. I have read too many stories in medical forums and here is what I have figured out: It's all guessing! Trying! and Figuring! They don't know.
The best news (sarcasm) is that my stroke 3 years ago...could have been related to this because "stroke" is something that is associated with this type of headache.
In contrast to classic migraine (headache accompanied by transient neurologic symptoms) or acephalgic migraine (transient neurologic symptoms in the absence of headache), complicated migraine is an older terminology used to denote ischemic stroke that occurs in the setting of migrainous symptoms, often in patients with a history of classic migraine.
The relationship between the migraine and stroke is uncertain, and may be due to vasospasm, hypercoagulability or recurrent neuronal depolarizations (spreading depression). These patients still warrant a full evaluation for embolic sources, but may benefit from migraine prophylaxis which includes antiplatelet therapy and calcium-channel antagonists. Consider avoiding medications which may precipitate vasospasm (e.g., tryptans, ergotamines, amphetamines,stimulants, silfenadil) or migraine (oral estrogens).
Consider genetic and mitochondrial evaluation in families with migraine and stroke or stroke-like episodes (See below)
This one starts with me sitting in my hospital room typing on my borrowed laptop.
Yeah!
I want to write on the timeline and hilarious moments for memories sake which is the point of my blog really anyway.
Thursday afternoon SCARY medical event
Sudden, severe headache out of nowhere that stopped me in my tracks, with instant vomiting.
Whole episode lasted 3 minutes then I felt fine.
Hence the NOT seeking emergency medical attention.
I sat with family a friends and decided to wait it out. Watching for any inkling that something wasn't right.
THEN THE BLOG
THEN the CALL
The operator advised I go to the ER even though it had been almost 24 hours. He said that I could have a bleed, or it could be a sign that something worse was coming...and event in life that I might not come back from. He wanted to let the doctor know if I was going...was I going?
I decided to check with my husband and decide {big cheesy grin} no lie! I know now that was stupid...but welcome to my life.
I called back to ask another question...and decide if I REALLY needed to go since I FELT fine. The operator said "yes, you need to go, should I notify the doctor?"
weeeeelllllllll.... OKAY! Geesh I will go and see if my brain is bleeding. Just in case, even though I don't feel like I need to.
I had things I had to do first: payroll, banking, pay bills, request extensions etc. LOL
For real I needed to get some things done, I knew they would keep me, so I packed, and showered and shaved because last time I was caught unaware and poor girl that had to do the ultrasound of my legs 3 years ago had to go through the forest to get there. I thought given the opportunity, I'd spare the next person.
While getting ready...my arm started to feel weird. I went and poked my head in where my hubby was to announce we were now in a hurry because my arm was going numb.
Off to run some errands on the way to the ER...and my daughter called to remind me to eat before hand because they would surely starve me :) On the way my leg starts to go numb. I thought it was from sitting wrong but after adjusting...it just got worse.
Hubs drops me off at the entrance so I can go in and sign in and begin the wait. Like getting your name on the list while waiting on a table at dinner ;)
I fill out the paperwork for check-in and my vision starts to double for a second and I think: do I say "Hey I think I am having a stroke!" or quietly wait my turn. Since my vision is now fine I elect to wait my turn to see the triage and not cause mass panic. I will find that happens soon enough.
me: in the med check in waiting. So I will let you know
hubs: okee dokee we r n waiting area me: Law and order is on so it's all good ;)
hubs: u need some help. We're going straight to psych when we r done here me: lol
I go through triage and text my husband who starts a mad text assault of hilarity to lighten thr mood but what he doesn't realize is that mad chaos is happening...
here are his texts because they will make me laugh for years to come:
20 min later me: gone through triage. still waiting
hubs: what's going on? We've been out here waiting 4ever :( has the dr been by? did they put you in a gown with your hiney hanging out? I wanna see. Can u come out and say (to be cont) me: What? I am not in a room. Are you being silly?
{as I sent this I was called into another triage room and didn't read these texts until after} hubs cont: hi :) I need some of those rubber gloves can you get some of those? I like pink. Do u think they will give you a wheelchair to drive around? Can I have a turn? I'm hungry. What time does the hospistle close? Do they have toys? I'm bored. Brit won't play with me :(
hubs responding to my silly? text: Do you think? Maybe?
hubs: I can't see the tv. There's a little pole in the way and the subtitles r too fast to read. Why don't they turn the vol up? It's stupid. Have you made any friends yet? People here seems mean. I'm scared. me: please stop I am talking to the nurse
hubs: I wanna talk to the nurse. Is she nice? Is she a he? I mean male nurse? U know they have those and all. Sorry just trying to lighten the mood. Do they have someone like the golf course does to come around and see snacks/drinks. That would be a good idea don't you think? I luv U! :)
What hubs fails to realize is they have issues a "Stroke Alert" and about 7 people descended upon me at one time hooking me up to every necessary device and then whisked me off to have a CT of my head.
me: ok that was crazy. They called a "stroke alert" I'm hooked up to all kinds of stuff and already had a CT which looked ok. Doing more tests now.
What I fail to realize is the Chaplin has gone to get my husband and daughter and take them to a "special" waiting room. It is small and empty. He tells them I am alert, and ok and that the doctor will be in shortly. Brit looks down and it appears their name tag says "OR" which has them slightly concerned. Then she said-I know she isn't in the operating room because she just text you. LOL!
Needless to say "I'm admitted" it "could" be TIA, which is a mini-stroke. Notable that by 11pm I had no symptoms at all. Had an MRI scheduled for the morning. Time to get some sleep!
Awoken Saturday for vitals and heading to an MRI-I had no symptoms at all.
Saturday after finding that my MRI did not show any stroke I was ready to leave. I'm fine. No symptoms, let me go. I had an issue with the neurologist and asked them to contact MY neurologist for consult... (for the record he agreed with me on ALL the things I had an issue with-except leaving the hospital) So I stay.
Funny story: I was in a shared room and they brought a lady in to share the room with me at about the same time all this is happening with the neurologist. She is hacking and coughing and I'm afraid me and her phlegm are beginning to know each other on a personal level. I borrow a pen from the tech and write a note to the nurse:
"I promise I am not a complaining, whining, person usually but please GET ME OUT OF HERE! I already don't want to be here and now I am going to get sick from this lady"
They put me in a private room.
Then Saturday night I was awoken from a dead sleep with severe numbness and tingling down my entire left side. Intense feeling. I was scared! From the top of my head to the tip of my toe! Tongue, throat, chest, EVERYTHING numb. Needless to say I called the nurse and waited for EMERGENCY MEDICAL ATTENTION. (This topic will require an entirely separate post.) HERE
Sunday didn't provide answers or changes. I was still numb head to toe, but barely. It's nice when doctors leave you feeling like "who knows" haha!
Monday I am discharged in the afternoon with a diagnoses of "Complicated Migraine" which is exciting! and still I had no idea what that was. What does a doctor want to do "slap me on maintenance medication!" UGH! NO! I will research...go see MY Neurologist! Get me out of here!
So I am finishing this post I started in the hospital at home. I am worse because I had another event last night. I have seem MY neurologist and am sure it is this strange phenomenon called "Complicated Migraine" which doesn't mean anything because everybody is different. Headache with strange neurological events. SO, I start steroids for 6 days tomorrow.
I am fine. A little tired. Numb.
Like I said to my friends:
I'm Home! I'm Alive! and MY GOD REIGNS!
This was written for the Nursing Supervisor regarding my lack of care:
Saturday night was one of the scariest events in my life. The mind of a woman is a dangerous place to tread. I will carefully, and cautiously walk you through it to help you understand what I was feeling.
Saturday, I had been feeling poorly all afternoon. My arm was beginning to do what originally brought me into the hospital in the first place. I proceeded through my time with family accompanying me just resting and waiting. The nurse noted my symptoms and said she would notify the doctor.
I fell asleep between 8:30 and 9pm and was awoken around 11pm by a severe numbness and pain in my left leg. As I sat up I realized that I was completely numb down my left side. I pressed the nurse call button. I began to asses myself. Could I move? “yes” I smiled while feeling my face “Okay it’s not drooping”
When the nurse came in I began explaining that I was completely numb on the left side but that I could move. Though my thoughts may not be exact, I will tell you what I remember. I remember that he had me squeeze his fingers. He tested my legs. I know that to me I felt panicked, I don’t know how I seemed to him. He left the room saying he would notify the doctor.
I laid there waiting on a doctor to come.
I laid there thinking “oh my God I am so glad I didn’t go home against medical advice and that I am here”
I laid there feeling so alone.
I was scared that I had just had a stroke or that one was coming.
I kept doing the neurology tests to myself: arms up reaching for money, did they droop, smiling, touching my fingers to my thumb.
I called and asked to go to the bathroom. I knew because I was numb I shouldn’t walk. The tech came and while I was in there I examined myself in the mirror. Stick out my tongue, raise my eyebrows, smile. Everything looked normal; just numb.
As I sat on the edge of my bed I was trying to pay attention to everything so I could tell the doctor how I felt. Everything on my left side was numb. I was observing how strange it was to have ½ my tongue numb, my throat, my breathing felt strange like my lung was numb, my breast, my hair on the top of my head felt weird, blinking my eye felt strange. It was so odd. I knew I wasn’t getting worse. However, I was scared and alone.
I called my daughter to explain everything to her while I was still able to. I didn’t know if I was going to have a major stroke and I wanted her to know what was going on. I told her that the nurse was letting the doctor know. I told her on a scale of 1-10 that it was an 8 at the time of waking and now I was maybe a 6. I told her not to come because it was so late. I said I would call if anything else happened. I got off the phone with her because I thought “surely the doctor will be here soon”
I remember at one point much later that the nurse came in and said “How are you?” and I answered “I’m okay” and I was thinking to myself…just waiting on the doctor. I wish I could go back in time I would have said it aloud. I wish the nurse would have dug in and asked questions. I sort of equate the scenario to when someone asks you “How are you today?” and you say “fine” and then when the person cares they say “No, how are you REALLY?” and then you spill your guts! I wish he would have pressed me, even though I know I should have been forth coming. I was scared, afraid, fearful of the future. I wondered so many things and all I said was “OK” . Looking back: I wish I would have pressed the nurse call button repeatedly or called 911. However, I just kept thinking I am in the hospital, they are coming, maybe someone in the ER is in serious condition, and they will be here soon.
I could not fall back to sleep. I was scared for my life. I thought I might have just had a stroke, am about to have a stroke…or worse. My mind was racing. I evaluated myself again and realized I was still improving. Still numb but maybe now a 4 on my made up scale of numbness.
I was disappointed that the nurse did not dig deeper or tell me what was going on with the doctor. Nothing. I thought should I call again? He didn’t seem like this was a big deal and to me it was the biggest deal ever.
My symptoms were improving though they were still present I figured I better try to do something to stop the crazy thinking. I went on the internet to check my symptoms. They matched with a stroke or TIA which I already knew. But somehow I at least felt like I was doing something. I checked facebook and tried to decide I needed to write one last status that was encouraging and good in case it was the last status I ever wrote.
Now it is after 2am and I don’t think I am ever going to go to sleep. No one was explaining anything to me, I am laying there numb, and apparently no one is coming. Try to sleep. I didn’t feel like that was happening.
All I could think was that THIS was WAY worse than what happened to me that brought me into the ER when they called a “stroke alert” and now they are doing NOTHING. Strange? Here they wanted to keep me for observation and now something major has happened and no one is observing anything.
At some point after 3am I fell asleep and was awoken by the Tech somewhere around 4 I think I mumbled something to her about being numb.
God bless the nurse that came in at 7:30am to “check on” me in the morning…I began crying almost immediately explaining how scared I was, that the doctor never came, the nurse didn’t dig…boo hoo hoo…and she immediately said “let me go get the doctor”
It’s disappointing because I don’t think I will ever come back to this hospital. On my way to the ER family and friends wanted to know why I was going to Shands. I explained that my doctor was at Shands and that they are leaders in the Neurology field. They have a specialty center and defended this institution. Now, I will have to express that I made the wrong decision.
My time in the ER, my nurses (with the exception of the nurse mentioned here), PCA’s, even the nutrition employee (I believe her name was Akasia{sp}) were awesome. But to lay in my room waiting for medical attention and to not feel cared for left a bad enough taste in my mouth that no amount of “niceness” can cover. When I felt like I needed it the most: no one was there.
I write this in hopes of educating others of the mind of a patient in my situation. Not to slander, or offer judgment.
To make matters worse, on Sunday evening when my family arrived they were very upset at the lack of response. They wanted to talk to the Charge Nurse and explain their concerns. We found out that the Charge Nurse for the evening WAS the nurse from the night before-even better. He can tell us exactly what happened. However, He never came. We made the request at 7:15pm my family was here until 9:15pm and in that time: he never came. To the best of my knowledge…he never came. That’s just unacceptable. Shoot if he was busy, he could have sent someone to explain that he would be here when he could. However, it seemed as though we weren’t important and he didn’t have time. OR maybe HE KNEW HE WAS WRONG. Just a broad based assumption.
The Lord says “blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy” (matt 5:7) and I am a person that requires a LOT of mercy. So I extend it. I am writing this because the only way you can get better is to know what was done wrong.
I had a very scary experience yesterday. Trying to decide if you call 911, go to the ER or wait it out was no fun. I decided to wait and see how I felt...
On the way to dinner all I could think is "IF I HAD ONLY A FEW HOURS TO LIVE HOW WOULD I SPEND THEM?"
It's amazing how a woman's brain works and here is a small peek at what I am willing to admit publicly about my crazy thoughts yesterday.
We had about a 10 minute drive to dinner-
"this could be the last time my kids get to spend with me"
Hunter, who was just making conversation, was commenting about how I take more pictures of Zeke and Declan than I ever did of him. I tried to explain that technology is different these days, and he dismissed me saying "you don't love me as much as them" He was just being silly...maybe a little serious, but he wasn't being mean...but it hurt! I said (not so nicely) aloud "that if we are really trying to make me feel bad let's start talking about homesechooling" and I began to cry silently thinking..."this may be the last conversation we have."
After crying I was looking for a napkin and we found one and I flipped down the visor mirror and caught a glimpse of what I looked like; I thought: "Geesh I could have made myself cuter cause surely I will want Brit to take a picture with her Iphone (since my camera is dead-boo hoo) but man I look like crap, you would think if you were going out on your last night to be alive you would at least do your make up."
I was thinking that "on the way home I want to stop by Chris & Brittany's to see them and kiss the babies because what if I died. I would want them to know that I love them. I would want to laugh and smile with them one last time. I reasoned: it would be too late when we came home, the kids would be in bed, I didn't want to interrupt and really I am fine. But what IF?"
While at dinner- We were with Brit & Clay, and a family friend Matt, I had a few thoughts-
"I should get something really good because this could be my last meal" "I really don't feel like eating...but if I go to the hospital the food will stink so I should eat something" "Do I want this to be my last meal" hahah I am telling you, at this point, I am really amusing myself with it all!
"Brit should take a picture, even though I look ugly, but I am embarrassed to ask, and I am just being ridiculous, so no I won't ask"
We had a very nice time. I love spending time with my family. Just a simple time of sweetness.
While leaving the restaurant, it was raining, Brit was going to wait on Clay to get the car he was handing her his drink and stuff and we were going to make a break for it...while making a break for it I got upset because I FORGOT I was about to die! As I was running in the rain was thinking "I should have hugged and kissed them goodbye. Man, should I run back, that might seem dumb, I mean I said I love you right, did I say I love you?, damn I could die and not hugged my daughter goodbye." I thought about crying but was too pissed at myself for letting the moment be missed!
We are just doing normal things, being a normal family, and I am in bed when Hunter comes to, usually, tell me Goodnight. As he leaves I think..."I wish i would have trained him to kiss me every night" another missed moment.
Hubby comes to bed and I think "should I" ..."I mean it could be the last night I am alive." LOL
THIS MORNING-
It's a new dawn, it's a new day! I am ALIVE! I sent this via text to the few that knew what was going on.
I go in to kiss my husband, hug him tight and I say "Look I'm alive. I'm fine. I am so glad I did not go to the hospital" he says "I am still not so sure that was the right decision and I think you probably should at least go to the doctor"
"But I feel fine!" "Famous last words" I think.
See yesterday I had a really scary experience. I am not sure what happened medically. Based on my description of the events I should "seek emergency medical attention." It didn't even explain anything--just SEEK EMERGENCY MEDICAL ATTENTION! I am not going to describe the event because that is not the point of the post.
I try to reason that maybe God is trying to remind me of something He taught me through my STROKE 3 years ago. I wanted to remind myself, and all 2 or my readers, that YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOUR TIME WILL BE!
We should consider the days. Moments. People! We are all going to die! 100% chance! Are you living the way you want to live?
"Since everything here today might well be gone tomorrow, do you see how essential it is to live a holy life? Daily expect the Day of God, eager for its arrival. The galaxies will burn up and the elements melt down that day—but we'll hardly notice. We'll be looking the other way, ready for the promised new heavens and the promised new earth, all landscaped with righteousness." 2 Peter 3:11-12 MSG 2 Peter 3 in context
I am going to call my doctor and try to live my life a lot more purposefully and intentionally than I have been living. Until I forget that I might be dying and the Lord reminds me again because I am slow!It seems to be a cycle.
If I haven't told you that I love you: I LOVE YOU!
If I haven't told you how much your friendship means to me: IT MEANS A LOT!
If I follow your blog, I probably read it a lot of times and don't comment: I'M SORRY!
YOU NEVER KNOW, THIS COULD BE THE LAST BLOG I'LL EVER WRITE!
So, do you know what the #1 Killer of Women is? Heart Disease!
Earlier this month I saw that the NFL was going "pink" for Breast Cancer Awareness Month on tv and I thought aloud "Pink... they should have chosen heart disease to cover since it is the #1 killer of women and the color is red, which would look better than that ugly pink" ...skip 1 beat, look at my husband as I say aloud what he is thinking"Well... guys do care more about breasts than hearts!" We laughed together! A funny moment for a not-so-funny topic.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of my STROKE or as my first-born called it my "stroke-a-versary". I know October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month but it will forever be JEN SURVIVED A STROKE MONTH in my household.
Forever! I will have to remember that on the eve of my stroke I sat disillusioned with my life. I was on the couch, alone, reflecting on my life. Miserable. Contemplating being done. Upset with God that I could even think such a thing. My first journal entry from that morning 10/27/2008 said:
"Lord, I am completely overwhelmed I cannot even write right now."
Then 10 hours later I sat on the couch and wrote:
"Lord thank you for time alone. I don't know what you want to do in this time. God I am feeling myself slip. I am distancing, avoiding, hardening-I feel such anger, sadness, fear that I have a hard time breathing. I wanted to take this time and let you search me. I am afraid to deal. I really don't know where to start."
Then the list began... words on a page...too many to list... some too shameful to share
my marriage
our finances
children
depression
anxiety
weight
the company
paperwork... ... ...
Three columns! a long list of real, imagined, past, present and future junk!
Here is the HEART:
"God I truly want to flee right now. It is not rational. I love my husband, my kids, my life. Why do I want to leave? I think things appear too big, too hard, too complex-and honestly I don't want to let you work on a lot of it. But I do. Why did You create me like this? Ugh!"
The next time I would return to that journal would be post stroke, post hospital stay, post realizing I had a brush with death. I could not even face what I wrote on the eve of my stroke for weeks. I knew. I knew that I had wanted to die but GOD had allowed me to live.
As my husband tried to wake me that Tuesday morning 1 year ago, I was difficult to understand. Trying to figure out the best way for you to understand is difficult. The best I can explain it is: as I spoke- in my head I sounded "normal" but my ears hearing my voice knew that what I was hearing didn't sound like what I said. Then after the second time of me grumbling and not wanting to get up, I sat up, my hubby looked at my face. Now it is funny now... but terror was what I saw. I laughed in my head thinking "what is the matter with him, he is freaking out, I mean come on, what is so bad, I just don't want to get up" Not having ANY idea that my face is crooked, my eyes are wandering and dropping and I look like a freak (to put it nicely). He leaves the room to (unknown to me at the time) wake my 19 yr old daughter saying "get up I think your mom just had a stroke." Nice to be waken to I am sure. Not.
Trent decides to try to get me up and I don't know what he thought he was going to do with me... but I am insistent that I have to take a shower. Now all the while- to me--I AM NORMAL. Trent is freaking! I think it is funny. He tells me my face is drooping, I know my speech is odd-I determine I have Bell's Palsy frustrated that I will have a temporary drooping face; I know it is temporary; I guess I'll go to the doctor, after my shower of course! (I am still in bed at this point) Then I get up to walk--I couldn't. I began to drift and could not walk straight. My husband is in front of me (still freaking-I still think it is funny-past and present) trying to steady me. Did I mention my vision was "off" I wear glasses, but this was worse. Very blurry, had to close one eye to see half-straight. Then there was confusion. Now, in my right mind, I would KNOW I didn't have Bells' Palsy-I was having a STROKE! At the time, I had NO IDEA! NO IDEA!
As I stood, wobbly, swaying in the shower I nearly had a heart-attack (ha) as I opened my eyes after rinsing my hair because I felt someone staring at me (you know the feeling) and AHHH! There is Trent's face in the glass door and he yells "you better hold on to something you are going to fall" all serious looking. Again, amusing to me at the time. This man I love, absolutely freaking out, while I am amused. Thank God I was confused or I TOO would have been freaking. Trent helps me dress, does something with my hair and we are off to the doctor. Trent, Brit and I, we left Hunter asleep with a note saying "taking mom to the doctor" as we didn't want to worry him. (BTW-we should have called 911 or went straight to the ER! That's hindsight.)
So, we went to the doctor and she looked at me and said it is definitely not Bell's palsy and you need to go to the hospital. For the first time it hit's me. I began to cry. Mostly because it was serious and we were having to go to the hospital and we do not have insurance. (Here is where I could tell you a whole lot more about health care and being uninsured but this long post is getting longer so I'll spare you-for know-I will say this GOD DOES MIRACLES)
We leave for the hospital. Upon arriving my daughter and I are amused at the "Sign's of Stroke" sign that I conveniently had EVERY symptom of so nicely posted at the sign-in desk. We wait. Brit takes me to the bathroom, I am already improving a bit. Then I see in the mirror for the first time with more consciousness what I look like! The horror! Not my face---what has my husband dressed me in?! No make-up, my hair! My daughter pulls out what cosmetics she has in her purse and we doctor my face up a bit. More waiting and then they call me back to triage. Then someone comes to transport and the triage nurse points and says "she is going to ICU" and points in my direction and then I, literally, looked over my shoulder to see who they were pointing at and there was no one there-they were pointing at ME! Me=Intensive Care Unit. What? It was becoming surreal. 35 years old and going to the ICU.
I was in the ICU for the day and then that night they admitted me. Kept me for test after test after test. I can tell you the horrors of imagining the bill every time anyone handed me anything or did anything to me. No one had yet to tell me "You had a stroke". The doctor (neurologist) actually suspected that since I was so young, and have frequent headaches, that I might have had a seizure. Then later the next day (early day 3-how crazy is that medical care? sarcasm intended), after my MRI, he returned to correct himself, apologize, admit his surprise and say I had indeed had a stroke.
While in the hospital word spread and visitors and calls ensued. It was a neat blessing to see who is there when LIFE happens and you need them. I was so grateful for my sister-friends that never leave me or forsake me in the way of Christ whom we share. It was humbling to be "hospitalized" yet feel so normal. Hard to sit there smiling you are alive; but know that you thought about ending it; but you were alive and loved and cared for.
I am realizing that I forgot to explain that by the next morning (Day 2) I was pretty much back to normal. So, I was in the hospital and they were figuring out what was "wrong" with me and I just wanted to go home. Well, I did in fact have a stroke so they needed to know why. I was healthy-newly! Thanks to Weight Watchers I had lost 40+ pounds and was exercising. My blood work was good. More tests! Come to discover I had a hole {patent foramen ovale} in my heart. Go figure! So, I take baby aspirin. Make sure to walk around every few hours to not get a blood clot. And get to blame every forgotten mixed up word on "stroke brain". They sent me home Oct. 31.
As I recovered I admittedly suffered from depression, nothing new for me, but it was different from my regular old depression/anxiety. I knew that this experience was "for a purpose" but I was stuck in my pity party. For a few months I HAD to take a nap (that in itself was depressing-I know you mothers that NEED naps don't agree :) Mostly, I lived in fear of another stroke. I was living in the present like there was no future.
Thankfully God had gone before me and prepared me ahead of time for this. In so many more ways than I have time to mention here. But I will share with you one of the main events God used to shake up my pity party and I recommend it for others you know that are struggling with their life post-stroke (or otherwise). See, I used to work with individuals with disabilities before God called me to stay-at- home. So, much had been prepared in my mind about living with a disability. I had also read a book that was written by a man who had a stroke "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: A Memoir of Life in Death" The book was written entirely by him blinking one eye.
Well, the book was made into a movie. Then one day when God had had just about enough of my pity party HE let me see it; and that did it. (I am posting the Trailer at the end of this blog if you want a peek.)
I spent my time, on the couch, watching the movie by myself. Weeping! and weeping! and got off the couch a new woman! Praise God!
I was meant to live for so much more! I could still talk, walk, move! Dance! Shout! Yes, one day I may have another stroke; so, while I can live, LIVE! I could also get hit by a bus. For goodness sake live your life while you can! Whether I do or don't have another stroke is not the point at all. The point is life has a purpose and you have to live it to figure that out. As hard as that may seem at times...
Presently, I sit here feeling like I am still stuck. But the HEART of the issue is coming to the surface.
"Have you ever wanted something so bad that you would do almost anything to get it? Have you ever gotten so close to fulfilling a dream only to have it disappear right before your eyes?"
Well, truly I know that much of my struggling is that I am not living out what I feel that I am created to do. My husband and I presently don't see eye-to-eye (update*though through a conversation last night we may be more eye-to-eye than I thought :). It is not something I have talked about much on my blog as it is truly very painful. I desire to be a mother again. and again. and again. For that to happen would require my husbands heart to change and a lot of money. My focus today is on the HEART and that is the heart of it. I want to be a mommy, again. I feel like it will never happen. Ultimately though, God's will will be done as I follow my husband. Obedience trumps worse case scenario... a theme I have heard a lot this week. ( Here and Here ) Whatever the scenario! amen
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As I reflect now I think "Wow! To see then and now. To have a record of your life "pre" and "post" is pretty interesting. Are the things on my list of little concern to me now? NO! Still the same worries, fears, struggles, exact same. Some new things to add in fact! "What is different then?" you ask. Everything! I'M still ALIVE! I am fully functional. I am still a bit stuck but that is going to work itself out as I follow God. Each year on my stroke-a-versary I will have the opportunity to write about what God has done. It will never again be like the journal entry a year ago.
Nothing is different and everything is different. I sit here this morning with more hope than I have had in quite some time. To quote *Tom Davis in Red Letters: Living a Faith That Bleeds:
"Transformation did occur when I would hear the words of Jesus and obey them, no matter how I felt. The more I obeyed, the more I was transformed. I was becoming a different person because I was living my self into it. I was becoming the words I saw on the page. The words Jesus himself spoke." *page27
That is my hope! Becoming the words! Trusting His ways when they aren't my way. Being present. And like a piece of the sweet prayer my husband prayed over me this morning : "Let Your voice, Lord, be the only voice she hears!" It a matter of HEART! and mine is being transformed!
So, do you know what the #1 Killer of Women is? Heart Disease!
I guess you can look at that very biblically and recognize that we are all heart diseased. Praise God we have a Father that sent His son so that we can have everlasting life.
Here is some important information about stroke to educate yourself:
I was SHOCKED as I was researching things to add to this post for you all that TOMORROW is WORLD STROKE DAY ! Really? Really, Lord! The day after my anniversary-world stroke day. You amaze me Lord~ your timing is perfect!
Breast checks are important but so is the HEART!
Update 2012 ***10/27 which would be the eve of my stroke and significant for me because it's when I wrote my journal entry. I am sitting here preparing for the rivalry Florida Georgia Game today. Our family is gathering. My son-in-love is smoking meat and all of my family will be there. Extended in-laws and friends as well. I can't help thinking how RICH my life is. I have a brand new precious grand-daughter. We are foster parents to a 3 year old blessing. We are second-grandparents to 2 precious joys with another on the way. Our son is growing into a man. Our lives are blessed! I have since had another stroke that did leave me with some health problems that I have battled. I am fighting the "thorn in my flesh" , of depression with suicidal ideation, with medication and the WORD OF GOD! It has not been an easy journey. It is a journey, though, that I thank God every day that I get to make!
Update 2014 I am sharing this and realizing some more information may be wanted. I have "labels" on the side of the blog if you want to explore topics. However-shortcut to two important ones.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, who changed my life; and continues daily in this process.
I love my husband and am grateful to have a life partner to journey with.
I am honored to mother 2 beautiful children and delighted He gave me 2 more teenagers to mentor, who became as a daughter and son. I now relative-foster a sweet boy who is showing us joy in new ways. We have A LOT of baby grands! We are blessed.
As I journey I am figuring out ministry, mission and life. It is never a boring path; and ever-changing for sure! The comforting thing for me is "He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.(Job 23:10)" All because of HIM!!
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